Odessa's Herbals

What a week!

2012-01-23T09:06:00.000-08:00

Last week in Seattle we had a snow and ice storm. It was epic! Everyone thinks Seattle people are wimps when it comes to snow but check this photo out from a snow storm a couple of years ago.

This is why when it snows in Seattle, I stay home! We have way too many hills to mess with trying to get around this city.

Which means I spent a week housebound. It was nice to be able to see my animals all day long but I was itching to get out by Friday. I did manage to get a couple of hot yoga classes in during the week. And I had prepared the house with fresh fruits and veggies before the storm came along. We had no junk food in the house which saved me a lot of stress. I also took the dog out for long off leash walks in the snow which helped me not go crazy from being house bound.

By Friday it was time to get out on the town and see some friends. I helped a friend film a segment for one of our local stations about his new art exhibit/ Putt putt golf installation. It was so much fun to see what he had helped create and the I am so happy the station is doing a local TV spot about this fun event. It happens once a year and is a great activity.

This evening provided me a chance to work on my New Years Resolution of confidence. I truly felt beautiful on Friday night, and I was given the chance to speak with many handsome men and feel amazing afterwards. It was a great evening. I took small steps to gaining back my confidence I had a younger lady.

One thing I almost forgot!
I just signed up for a year of unlimited Hot Yoga! I am so grateful to have this amazing job that has allowed me to pay for something like Hot Yoga. I have been going to classes 3 to 4 times a week and I feel amazing. With every class I feel myself lighter. I love how hot the room is and how much my body is responding to letting go of toxins and pent up emotional situations. I seem to be working through a lot of my past with each class. I have never had this experience before while exercising. It has been very therapeutic. Plus I love how my body is changing and getting stronger. I can feel where my spine issues have made me weak in my body and I want to take that strength back before it's too late.

So 30 days of hot yoga has been a huge life changing success!

Yoga all weekend

2012-01-11T08:55:00.000-08:00

Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday were Yoga days for me!
I did regular yoga on Sunday which was a nice break from the Hot Yoga and last night I was able to sneak in a 8pm yoga class. This morning I work up at 5:30am feeling awake and energized.

So far this experience has been great! Some times it is hard to know what I am laying down more than other people in the class. I feel like I want to announce to the whole class that I have a spine injury and thus I can not do the full 90 minutes. So it can be hard for me to relax during the class. But it is getting easier every time I venture into the building. What I feel most is overwhelming love for my body. This body has survived two major surgeries. It is surviving a dis-ease that is chipping away at my spine. It is surviving and thriving more than I thought it would. I want to protect this body of mine. Take care of it. Feed it only the best foods available. And generally just love the hell out of it because this body of mine is in so many ways a true miracle.

I did have something interesting happen the other day to my body. I don't normally eat candy anymore but some days at work things are happening so fast I like to grab a couple of pieces to keep me going. However, the other day I did this and I had a very similar thing happen to my body that happens when I eat wheat. My body started to hurt and my legs got swollen. It was very odd since I have never noticed this type of reaction before. After an hour or so it went away but it just makes me realize that my body is way more sensitive to what I put into it that I ever thought possible. I now realize that I just can't live like other people. I can't eat whatever I want or be as lazy as I want. I have the type of body that needs to move and eat only pure food. And for the first time in my life - I am glad about this. I am so in tune with my body that I know when something I eat is not right. What a beautiful thing.

30 days

2012-01-06T14:14:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of 30 days of Hot Yoga*.

*I will not be going everyday but aim to go 5 days a week.

I have been wanting to try Hot Yoga for a while. I did it a few years back with a friend and loved it. After my spine injury I needed to start exploring new ways of working out that would be gentle on the spine. And after setting my intentions for this year I realized that it was time for me to move forward with doing more active hobbies.

So I signed up and I am ready to go. I will forgo visiting with friends tonight in favor of trying Hot Yoga. Tomorrow morning I also have a date with my cousin to do Hot Yoga as well.

I am looking forward to blogging about the experience. I know for many people, Hot Yoga has helped to bring about very profound changes into their lives. I am looking forward to seeing what happens and what kind of issues come up for me. Since the new year I am being challenged to be different .... in a good way. My old way of thinking, being and living no longer sit well with me. My insecurity and self bashing no longer feels good. I am ready for a positive loving change and this in a first step in the right direction.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Theme for this year!

2012-01-01T11:20:00.001-08:00

Every year I pick a theme that helps to shape my new year.
This year I thought about having my theme be courage but after thinking about this word I realized it was not right. I don't really need courage. I have had plenty of situations over the last few years to prove I have courage. I needed something else.

After spending New Years Eve with a very good friend of mine in a beautiful old Craftsman house, I realized that I wanted a new word for the new year. It then dawned on me. What I really wanted this year to be about was Confidence.

I want to increase my confidence level to help me create into reality that dream life I know I deserve. I want to increase my confidence level to one that reflects how amazing I truly am. I want to only do things this year that help me to build my confidence level and help me to stay truly present in my life. I want to be confident to be the best person I can be. I want to work on my confidence level so I can see myself for that beautiful, talented and amazing person I know I am. I want the confidence to share my joy and sorrows with my best friends and to be able to find the beauty in solitude as well.

So this year is about me returning to myself and being present in all my interactions. I am going to do more things that I love - paddle boarding - snowshoeing - traveling - meeting new people. I am going to continue to kick ass at my amazing job. I am going to organize my home and I am going to save money while also building my wardrobe. I am going to have it all and be beautiful while I do it!

That time of year again

2011-12-21T09:07:00.000-08:00

It's winter solstice time which is my favorite time of the year!

I consider new years eve on the solstice and every year on the solstice I start my intention list for the next year. I reflect on the past year and what I was able to accomplish and I start to really think about what I want my upcoming year to be like.

This year my theme was pleasure. I wanted to bring pleasure into all areas of my life and to really think about what gives me pleasure in life. This year has been the best year of life in so many ways. I was able to try new ways of thinking, living and eating. I started to focus only on activities that I enjoyed and I even tried new things that I will continue to do for the rest of my life. I shed a lot of the baggage from my past and have been fully present to enjoy my life at the moment. I spent a lot of time this year looking at all areas of my life and releasing people, situations and objects that no longer were bringing me positive energy.

But mostly importantly I had fun this year!
I focused on myself and truly enjoyed my year. I also have been able to bring all this positive joy and energy to those people close to me.

So what does 2012 bring? I have some themes and ideas kicking around in my head. I have many plans for the upcoming year and I have some areas where I just want to stay exactly where I am.

Holiday Parties

2011-12-01T11:51:00.001-08:00

This week finds me planning and shopping for numerous holiday parties coming up in the next few weeks.
I just purchased a new Kate Spade cape. I am dress shopping with my stylist.. I mean friend... next week.
And I even will be getting my hair done for the Company Holiday party which is going to be HUGE. I will provide more details after the event but they have hired some big names in the music industry to play the event.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I am constantly pinching myself to make sure it is not just a dream but in fact my life. This is the life I have been dreaming about for years. This is what I always wanted my life to look like. This is the job I have always wanted. And instead of wasting this time I am being present and relaxing and evolving into an even better version of who I am right at this moment. I have new goals. I have new plans. I have new visions but I am also loving where I am at right now.

I can't wait for the family to be back together later this month. My nephew is so excited to see everyone and all the animals we have in the family. He often tells his mother that the horses really miss him.

What inspires me right now

2011-11-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am inspired by people, sometimes it's a song and sometimes it is a movie. Last night I was inspired a wonderful new movie coming out. Hugo. It's a beautiful movie that combined enough of European charm and music that I now know I must go traveling there soon.

The movie is in 3D which makes it even more beautiful and life like. I loved the story and the fact it takes place in a train station. I have always loved train stations in Europe, they have a special energy about them.

My planning for this summer has officially begun thanks to this movie. It's all I can think of. I am creating a soundtrack of songs to take with me. I am planning what clothing I will want to take over there. I am sure a new wardrobe is in order for this trip. I have started to read the new edition of The New Yorker which is the food edition and of course now I want to take a few side trips to experience restaurants in Denmark, Italy and England. I will do my research on what is happening in the culinary world of Sweden so that I can take my beloved friends out for an incredible meal. There is so much to do and see. I know I can't fit it all into this summer but traveling to Europe is something that I want to become a tradition. It's something that I have always wanted more of since I loved in Scotland all those years ago. It's why I work as hard as I do. So that I can travel and experience life outside of my little Seattle. And it's about to become my reality.

And there is so much to be Thankful for this year. I tear up every time I think about this magical year of my life and how grateful I am for everything and everyone that has helped me over the last few years.

Dreams

2011-11-18T09:13:00.000-08:00

I dream of boat trips in the Caribbean with girlfriends. I dream of health retreats with girlfriends in California. I dream of long walks along the highlands of Scotland with old friends. I dream of train rides across Sweden with best friends. I dream of road trips to the Southwest with my camera. I dream of lazy week along adventures across the Southern states taking only back roads. I dream of Spanish adventures with a new male companion that loves food more than anyone else I have ever met. I dream of thick soft sweaters and wellies while in New Zealand. I dream of transferring to the London office of my company where I can enjoy a pint with coworkers.

These are some of my dreams lately and all are within my reach. These dreams will become reality and spawn new dreams. And all these dreams will happen while my health heals, my heart grows, my life at home and work become strong and I stay balanced.

Planning a vacation - or two - or three

2011-11-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

This week starts with me planning my first of many vacations coming up for the next year. I am looking at going to a health Spa in California with a best girlfriend this April. I can't wait to swim outside, be in nature, drink fresh juice and just take care of myself.

Next stop, I am off to Sweden! I was thinking about trying to also visit Scotland but with the Olympics this summer, I think it would be best to just go to Sweden, hang with my lovely friends and experience the summer of Sun!

Scotland will be next... I promise friends over there... I will return!

I have so many things I want to do and now it is all possible. With my spine injury healing and my life returning to normal.... I am back to a life I adore full of adventure, fun and wonderful people to experience it with.

Today I am grateful for everything!

First review was a success

2011-11-16T08:00:00.001-08:00

Last week marked my first review at my job. I can now tell everyone that I passed with flying colors!

It was almost a huge love fest. This is the first time in my life where I feel successful in a corporate setting. I am part of an amazing marketing team putting out fun products that are extremely successful. I am able to work with partners internally and externally and I then I get to create communication pieces that over 15 million people world wide read. It's pretty incredible when I think of it like that. This is the job I have always dreamed about. This is the job I have worked hard to get and this is the job I want to stay in for a while.

I was extremely happy to hear all the positive feedback from my manager and coworkers. I finally feel settled and happy with my career.
Plus this job allows me to dream again in life. My desire to travel is finally starting to manifest as I am making a good wage now. I can start to save to buy a new car. I can take really good care of myself now. And I can let a lot of the stress over the last ten years fade away.

It's amazing what taking care of yourself and putting your health first can do in terms of changing your life. I am grateful for the hard times because I would never have been able to be this genuinely happy without knowing real pain.

Feeling The Balance

2011-10-27T15:16:00.001-07:00

After rereading my last post, I realized it feels like a million years ago. I did get sick that weekend and stayed home. I took care of myself that week and now two weeks later I feel very balanced and happy.

My work has become even more intense as we slide into the busy season and yesterday I easily had the worst day I have had since I started this new job. When I was talking to my coworker today about it I said " You know, yesterday I left smiling and today I came in smiling". Which means even on my worst days, I am still happy where I am at with work. This makes me very happy and this happiness spills into all areas of my life. There is not one place in my life giving me pain right now. I know it won't be like this forever but compared to where I was just a few short years ago, where I am right now is heaven.

I have been clothes shopping lately and all I can say about my new look is "Highland Super Hero" I have a new beautiful green cape from Pendelton and some bright gold boots from Hunter and when I combine these two items... look out!

I am off to enjoy this sunny day in Seattle. One of the last sunny days we will have for a while.

This weekend

2011-10-14T10:49:00.001-07:00

This weekend I am making a promise to myself to take it easy. I have been pushing myself too hard the last few weeks and I can feel it in my body.

My work hours have been extended and then when I leave the office, it feels like there is so much to do before the day ends. Plus, weekends are now for chores and social events. Social events tend to win this game which means chores then get pushed to the week when I am exhausted after work.

This system is simply not working for me. I need to find a bit more balance before the really busy season hits in the next few weeks.

I also realized this week that I can not eat oats anymore. They are hurting me the same way wheat has been hurting me. So I am backing off oatmeal and everything with oats.
This has helped me to feel better but this week I have been also suffering from a terrible cold so all I want is comfort.... meaning comfort clothing, comfort food and my comfy bed.

Everything else is life is good. Work is good. Life is good. I am still losing weight while not eating gluten and feeling better everyday.

I really hope it starts to snow in the mountains soon. I am getting very excited thinking about taking some cross country ski classes. I love being outside when it snows and can't wait to learn some new form of exercise. Bring it Winter!

My favorite time of year

2011-10-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

I love the Fall!

It's not because of Halloween or Pumpkin beer that makes me giddy this time of year. And I don't normally love the Holidays so that can't be why I love the fall. It's because when the weather turns cooler I can finally pull out my cashmere sweaters and my boots. I can layer my clothing. I can pull out my wonderful scarfs and just look super cute in my knit hat.

This last week or so fall has hit. I am more prepared than ever with some new sweater additions to my wardrobe. For the first time in 10 years I can finally afford to buy new pieces for my wardrobe. With my wonderful new job, I am seriously having to step up my game in my office attire. I now work in the marketing department and it seems to be one of the more formal departments in my company. I love the feeling of looking professional when I come into work everyday. And make up.... For so many years I avoided makeup but I am now having the time of my life playing with makeup. It takes me an additional 5 minutes every morning but is well worth it.

This weekend was not long enough! I am not ready for the work week. Everyone in my office is sick and I have been fighting it for weeks. I feel like I might be losing this fight. I could just use 1 day in my bed resting with nothing to do.

My new extended hours at work have not bothered me until this weekend when I realized that I have too much to do on the weekend to prepare for the work week because I am now working much longer days. Normally I don't mind but this weekend I almost cried. That's when I realized that I must be getting sick. I usually have enough energy plus more. So I will hopefully not get too sick but I am not holding my breath. Someone sounds like they are coughing up a lung a couple of offices over from me as I am writing this.

Feeling Great

2011-10-03T14:04:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago I gave up wheat and gluten and I will never look back!

I can't describe how great I feel. My whole body is responding so well to this life change. I no longer feel sick. My back does not hurt. I no longer notice the nerve damage from my spine injury. I can eat and feel full. I can actually enjoy food again. I have energy all day long now. And I just feel at peace all the time.

It's amazing to list all of these changes. I had never realized how food was becoming my enemy. Now that I can look back on the last ten years, I realize how much pain I have been in. I knew 10 years ago that something had gone wrong with my stomach but I never knew what it was. I just knew I was sick, in pain, gaining weight and not happy. Now that I am gluten free and wheat free, I feel the exact opposite!

I have been cooking a lot lately. I am currently obsessed with Quinoa Salads with Goat Cheese. I add a ton of fresh herbs and fresh veggies, use my new dried herb mix for a dressing and then mix it all together. This meal has been my comfort meal as I learn to live without wheat and gluten. This transition has been very easy for me because of all the RAW foods I ate this summer. But I realized that I need to add cooked food back in until I can get to a place of optimal health. Trying to go strictly RAW was stressing me and my body out. Giving up animal products was also making me feel weak and emotionally all over the place. So while I wait for my stomach to recover from the damage done by the what, I decided to just focus on organic, gluten free foods and leave it at that.

It's fall here and that means Cashmere sweater season. This is my favorite time of the year and I am increasing the amount of sweaters and shawls I own. As my body is recovering I am starting to realize that I only want to be comfortable in life so I am clearing away all the clothing I do not like and I am only wearing clothing that feels amazing.

Giving up something

2011-09-27T17:07:00.000-07:00

Ever since this spring when I did my Raw month, I started to notice that when I was eating regular food, my stomach would hurt all the time. I thought it was just a sign I needed to return to RAW foods and juicing but I was having trouble doing it. Don't get me wrong... I love Raw foods and I love juice fasts.

I just came to realize I could not live entirely on them at this moment. My new job is wonderful but it is a lot of work and I can't focus so much on what I am or am not eating at the moment. But I was having serious stomach and body pains. My coworker kept talking about his daughter who can't eat gluten and how he is learning to live with that. I then begin to realize that on days when I ate wheat for lunch, I hurt the worst in the afternoon. Then I started to notice that on days when I ate wheat my stomach would bloat up a lot.

So I finally took the plunge and gave up Gluten and Wheat two weeks ago. I thought it was going to be hard but I feel so much now, I am actually enjoying it. I no longer have a bloated stomach. I no longer hurt or feel any kind of inflammation in my body during the afternoon hours. My digestive system is working like a charm and in the last two weeks I have shed over 10 pounds from just giving up wheat.

So I guess I am now gluten free. It's strange to think about how one thing could cause my body to go so wonky for so many years. I feel like I can almost pinpoint when this allergy might have come on. I don't have the typical symptoms that other people have when they get this allergy. But I do know that somehow wheat was causing a lot of really bad things to happen in my body.

Paddle Boarding

2011-09-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend I met up with a new friend and we went Paddle Boarding.
It was simply... Amazing!

I loved every moment of it. Even today, I can feel how much of a work out it was. It uses almost every muscle in your body yet is so simple and easy. It was a beautiful day on Lake Union in Seattle and the water felt very refreshing. I am hoping to go paddle boarding one day after work this week. It would be great to get a couple more sessions in before the weather turns. I did decide this weekend that once there is snow in the mountains, I am going to get a couple of cross-country ski lessons. This will be really good for my back in the same way paddle boarding is.

After paddle boarding we had a healthy lunch and just relaxed in the sunshine. I then spent the evening in a small local town that from Seattle you must take a ferry to get too. I had a wonderful little reunion of sorts with old friends. Then Sunday it was sunny and warm again. I went to the farmers market and got a pedicure.

I am exhausted today in the best way possible. I had such a healthy and fun weekend!

Another Juice Cleanse

2011-09-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

Over the last month I have fallen off the RAW wagon hard!

I do not feel good at all. I have a lot less energy, I get bloated every time I eat, my stomach hurts and my moods are pretty low while my brain is foggy.

There is no other reason for this except that I have not been as careful about what I am eating. It's a bummer to realize I have to start from scratch again to get back to where I was just two months ago. But I am willing to do it.

So yesterday I started another juice cleanse. Day one was hard. Day two I do not feel very good but my cravings are finally going away. It has been an emotional journey in many ways to get to day 3. I have spent a good part of the last year totally changing the way I eat and what I eat. But the work never stops. Just in the last month I have resorted to old ways- sort of. I am not eating unhealthy foods. I am just depending on kelp noodles or flax crackers too much and not eating enough veggies. I have been eating more potatoes (not raw) and not enough salads. And I have been eating more than I need. This has been the hardest lesson. If given the chance, I will simply eat more than my body needs.

That's what so amazing about doing a juice cleanse. The realization that I don't actually need that much food right now. My metabolism is very slow from being bed ridden and on the medications I was on. At this point I am not even sure I need to eat two meals a day. With the juice cleanse I realize that 3 juices a day are really all I need.

Today is day 3. I am clear headed. My energy level is back and I am very, very happy. I am so happy to be at this place in my cleanse. I am hoping for maybe 10 days this time. Yesterday afternoon was the turning point. That's when I realized I started to feel really good and my food cravings stopped. My stomach is no longer bloated and I am starting to slim down.

I signed up today for paddle boarding lessons to help me get active again. After realizing this spring that I can not run anymore because it was causing more numbness in my legs.... I got depressed. No other exercise feels as good to me as running did. Just 20 minutes made me feel amazing! I am frustrated by not being able to run and depressed that my spine is simply not going to allow me to do whatever I want. But I recently made a new friend and she loves paddle boarding. It is something I have been wanting to do for a while so I suggested we meet up this weekend to do it. I am so excited! I love the water, I love swimming and I love the idea of being active and using my core muscles. So paddle boarding this summer and then snow shoeing this winter. I can't wait!

Sorry it's been so long!

2011-08-26T08:27:00.001-07:00

What a whirlwind last couple of months!

I don't even know where to begin. Tomorrow is my birthday and I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately on the last year and with all honesty I can say..... This year has been one of the best years of my life!

Let me see if I can break it down a bit.

Health- My body is my temple. I have been more active and loving towards my body this year. I have been working out on a constant basis and really taking care of myself. The most important area of growth over the last year for me was my changes in eating habits. Starting on the journey towards a more RAW and vegan diet has been very exciting and the most loving thing I have ever done for myself. My stomach never hurts and I feel like I have unlimited energy all day long. I no longer drink any kind of caffeine and mentally I am in such a strong place and to me it all relates to the changes in my diet. My body is rewarding me so much with all these changes.
On a side note to my health is how much I have grown in terms of my relationship with food. I no longer see it as in the same light. I have really challenge myself to take a different approach with food. Food is no longer a reward in my mind or an excuse. It is simply something I need to live and something that I need to monitor but in a very loving way. I now question everything I eat every time I eat and there is nothing but love for the process. I no longer have the addiction towards food I once had. It is a stable relationship with room to grow!

Work- This last year has been amazing for my career. I finally feel like I found my place in life at the moment. I am in an industry I love! I am in a large corporation I love! I am in a job I love! And I am on a team I love! I know work has it's ups and downs but for me this year has been about proving to myself that I am smart enough to be successful. I finally gave myself permission to be an adult on the job and I am being rewarded beyond belief. I have overcome so many challenges in my career and setbacks that it feels good to finally be in a place of pure joy, growth and excitement over the present and future! And I even got a HUGE promotion at work this month. What an amazing journey!

Life- I guess this is where everything else goes. I have been working on myself over this last year and I can see so much progress in myself. I have been meeting every Saturday morning with a group of ladies I adore and we have all grown so much! It's amazing to see how my relationships have changed over the last year thanks to the wisdom of all these women. I know I have learned to be truly present, I have learned to be patient and I have learned to be dependable. I feel more open to trusting myself, other people and fate. I think one of the best lessons I have learned over the last year is to be truly happy spending time alone. I am my own best friend. While I have an amazing group of friends, family and a wonderful support system, I also know that I am truly all I need in life. It's so different than where I was just a year ago. Such progress!

I am sure there are a million more lessons, events and amazing changes but this is all I can think of for now. I am glad to be back online and updating my blog.

One sad note for me is that I will be missing the Vida Vegan Con blogging conference this year. I was really looking forward to meeting other Vegan and RAW food bloggers but I promise I will try to be at the next one!

Too long

2011-07-06T08:38:00.001-07:00

Whoa!

It was been way too long since I last posted. What has happened over the last month?
Let me think:

My work load has gone up four times the amount as normal. My team has crumbled I am the lone person left picking up the pieces. It has been an interesting expereince and I am not unhappy about it. I just have had a lot more work than I can handle and it has zapped my energy away. I am proud of how I have been able to step up and get everything done. And I have been doing a really great job!

I also have been much more social than normal. I have been going out more with new friends and I love it. However.... I do notice that I am not as in balance when I am so social. I had to hide by the end of the weekend because I was getting a little cranky at myself. I think one of my goals this year will be how to live in balance in all situations in life.

I have been eating raw salads everynight with veggies I have been growing in my garden. I have not been as good about having my raw smootie in the morning and lunch I have been slipping off the RAW pathway. But now that the sun is out I am encourage to eat more raw and soak in the beauty of summer.

What a wonderful long weekend!

2011-05-31T08:19:00.001-07:00

I am still in a state of bliss from my amazing weekend!

This weekend was filled with new friends that I just adore. I have been making so many wonderful new friends and feeling like I am on this incredible new journey in life. Everything feels different! I feel different! I feel like I have new energy and it is attracting the kind of friends I have always wanted. I am so grateful for all the work I have done over the last couple of years to get here. Exactly where I want to be!

I was able to go to a baseball game this weekend, have lunch with a good friend, attend an amazing BBQ, take a short nap, clean my room, plant more veggies in my garden, enjoy the sunshine, have korean food, have RAW food, read a very empowering book and the list goes on.

I wish every weekend was a three day relax fest like this weekend was! I am so grateful to everyone I was able to interact with this weekend and I wish we could have kept the party going!

One side note, I have never been one to walk away from difficult situations or people. I usually keep trying to work things out way past their experiation date but this weekend I realized that for once I am going to make the right choice. I am going to walk away and not engage with someone that is clearly very unhealthy. I have too many wonderful and positive things happening in my life right now and I just want to keep growing. This is a very healthy decision for me and I feel very strong about it. The Universe is showing me such love right now!

What I Am Dreaming About

2011-05-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

This week has been filled with a longing to make some vision maps for my future. I have a vision of what I would like the rest of the year to be like and I need to put it into motion. I just need to actually carve out the time and create the space to put this vision onto paper.

For the most part my next six months includes continuing to put my health and well being on center stage. I want to continue the RAW Foods and working out routine. I would actually like to take it up a notch if possible.
I would like to have some stability in my job. I am not on my career path yet but I know I am getting closer. I just need something I can depend on for a year or so while I get healthier.
I would like to create a larger community of like minded people. I would like this to include men and women. I am finally starting to get serious about wanting to create a partnership with someone while also creating a strong community of people I can count on. It feels good to finally admit this to myself and others. For so long I lived as if I was an Island and did not need anyone but I now see how unhealthy this thought pattern is.
And finally, I would like to live in a clean and well organized living environment. I am not an organized person by any means. It just is not how I think. But as I get older I long to come home to a nice comfortable living environment. This means I must go through all of my personal belongings and clean house. I must release the past and move forward. This is a large undertaking and will require all summer to accomplish but I long for this so I must move forward.

This week I planted my 14 different heirloom tomatoes. I have been eating Arugula, Bib salads all week from my garden. I can't wait for a summer full of fresh tomatoes, basil and Arugula salads! Fresh corn season has hit Seattle and I am really enjoying adding that to my salads as well as a ripe Avocado. I think it's almost lunch time!

I have a new hero!

2011-05-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

This week has been a wonderful week. I finally have my spark back! Not only have I had a week full of amazing events, I have also made time to go to the gym! I have not been able to do my laundary but I can do that this weekend.

Let's see where to start....

This week was my first but not my last Geek Girl event. This month it was hosted by Facebook at their sister office in Seattle. It was so amazing to be in a room full of other women in the Tech world. It made me wish I had majored in Computer Science when I was in school. It was a wonderful expereince to hear more about how facebook is built and how the company is run. I loved the fact they hire people not just for projects but because they are talented and then once they have gone through the boot camp session they can pick what projects they want to work on. Imagine a company hiring you just on wanting you to join the company and then allowing you to find out where your strengths are! Sounds divine.

Then last night I met the most amazing lady, Ani Phyo. She is a raw food author and eco lifestyle expert. I was lucky enough to be able to speak with her before the event and was so inspired when I found out she used to work in the Tech world. I felt like all evening she was sharing her story just to me and all about me. We have so many similarties in terms of career, interests and just life goals. I was really inspired by this talk and in awe of the fact she has been able to make a raw version of rice that when I first tried it I just assumed it was brown rice! The talk was at a wonderful resort on Lake Washington and it was a perfect sunny day. I can't wait to try some of her recipes from her new book, including my faborite Korean Food dishes. Over the last year I have been obessed with Korean food. I love all the Kim Chee and side dishes and was so excited when I heard that a large part of her new book is dedicated to these dishes.

I feel more inspired to keep moving forward on my RAW path way and to learn more. I would love to visit Ani in LA and just spend an afternoon talking with her about life. She would be a great mentor and friend.

Sunny Day!

2011-05-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

It is finally sunny here!
I can't believe how a little sunshine can improve everything. I feel like a happy little busy bee.

Today I received word that I am going to the Vida Vegan Blogger Confernce this summer in Portland! Not only am I super excited to go to this wonderful event, but it is also my birthday weekend! I can't wait to finally meet all the wonderful people that write my favorite vegan and RAW food blogs. I also love Portland and am looking forward to a weekend away. This was such a great surprise. I needed a little pick me up and this email was just what I needed.

This morning I have been experimenting with RAW/Vegan breakfast options. I had some Chia breakfast cereal with Almond Milk. It was wonderful and super filling. I have been munching on veggies and raw nuts. I am finally starting to feel better and more grounded!

I am going to have to cut down on the running I am doing. I am having some issues with my spine and numbness so it pains me to cut back on my favorite activity but until I know that this is the root cause of my issues it is too risking for me to continue. Lucky for me I joined the gym a couple of weeks ago so I will just transfer to working out there doing things I know won't hurt my spine.

Returning to the RAW

2011-05-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

Last week all the little stresses in life seem to wrap up within 24 hours to allow for me to return to life. Some parts of this completion were easy, some parts were hard but I managed to make it through the week and then collapse on the weekend.

I took this weekend off from life. I slept 12 hours on Friday night. I slept 10 hours on Saturday night. I stayed close to home and I did not see anybody. I just needed a weekend to decompress, clean my house and prepare to return to the RAW lifestyle. I was so mentally and physically exhausted I felt like a shell of myself all weekend.

Today I am in a very neutral place. I am happy because I spent the time yesterday to prepare an amazing day of RAW foods. I am going to really push for a RAW work week this week. I need to get back to that place of health. I felt amazing just a month ago when I was RAW 5 days out of the week. I also need to return to moving my body and taking better care of myself. I long for the feeling of getting smaller, waking up with an amazing amount of energy and the overall happiness that I felt all day long.

My job is ending in 6 weeks and I have a couple of things in the works. I am not stressed out or fearful of this transition. I am excited because I know the next thing is right around the corner. And until I know what path I should take I am happy to come into the office and do the work that has brought me joy over the last six months.

I did get a chance this weekend to visit the Vegan RAW cafe on Vashon, Pure. It was a wonderful sunny day and I just needed an Island adventure all alone to soothe my tired soul. After spending a couple of hours in the woods with Ahmi I stopped by Pure for a veggie juice. It was wonderful to see a Vegan cafe packed full of people. I wished I could have tried the RAW arugula Pizza but at that point all I craved was some veggie juice. I look forward to coming back to this cute cafe and trying more off their wonderful menu. It also inspired me to really think about 105degrees again.....

I am going to work on a vision map this week for myself that includes 105degrees. It's time to get serious about making this dream a reality!

*side note, 105degrees has changed it's name into Matthew Kenney Academy. He is the founder and visionary behind the school. I will need to remember this for future postings.

I was once

2011-05-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

I was once the picture of a great work life balance!
I was able to get my job done without any mistakes. I was able to come home and really take care of myself. I had consent energy all day long and felt great.

I am no longer this person and it is making me very upset. Why would I agree easily to becoming so non-present in my life? Why do I associate success with becoming so busy I don't know if I am coming or going? Why are the little things slipping from my grasp?

I just decided this whole thing needs to end right now! I need my life back and I am no longer willing to give up my balance and peace for success. I have been making too many mistakes in all area's of my life to allow this to continue.

But the kicker is that not all of my decisions I have been making are up to me! My mother is moving away so I must spend time with her. My job is becoming more demanding so I must spend time on the weekend working on it......etc etc

At least it feels like I have no control over my time right now. And to top it off, it feels like everyone I know is coming out of the woodwork and wanting to spend time with me. So on top of being so busy I can't see straight, I am too busy to see people that I care about and I feel guilty for turning people away. Arghh!

I knew I would lose my balance a little bit but I had no idea the eye of the strom would hit all at once and that I would suddenly sell myself out by giving up my need for balance. I am my own worst enemy right now.

Need to get the happy back

2011-05-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

I need to get my happy back!

These last few weeks have blown all my peace and balance right out the window. I am worn down, bordering on getting a cold, exhausted and I have lost my energy.

It's so strange to take a sudden turn for the worse. My back has been hurting for the first time in almost a year and I am just low grade right now about everything.

I do know several key factors on why this is happening. I have a job change coming up, my mother is moving to the East Coast next week and we have not seen the sun in what feels like months. Plus, I have been allowing for too many things to throw me off my routine in life.

So this week I am slowly going to work towards getting my balance back. I made the decision to not go after a job raise and change and instead to just remain where I am at because as soon as the idea of going after a higher level job came up my health went down hill fast. As soon as I made this decision it just felt right. I need balance before I can return to working towards my career. As weak as that might sound. I simply can not afford another health issue mentally or emotionally at this point.

This means that the next few weeks I will be taking life at a slower pace and trying to spend as much time outside in nature as I can. I will be putting my trust in the Universe and just trying to find my balance in life.

Me Month May

2011-04-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about doing a theme for next month called “Me Month”. Of course every month is me month, but in May I was going to strive to be really exceptional in taking care of myself. Of course if the last two weeks are any indication of what “Me Month” would look like I think I should stay far away!

My last two weeks have been rough. I was exhausted all last week and did not work out very much. I think I was fighting getting sick and I just simply got distracted. This week I found out some shocking news at work that has increased my hours. Shocking in that my job is possibly turning into a full time long term kind of thing. I love working on a project type basis and tend to not take “blue badge” full time employee work. I made a commitment to myself this year to put my health first and my career on the back burner because I needed to focus on my health. It has been very successful and I am happier than I have ever been. Except for this week when I found out I needed to start working harder. First thing I did was throw the RAW foods right out the window. I felt that I needed to take the time I would be preparing food at night and use it towards work. Next went the running. I was already used to not working out from the previous week so I just ignored that as well. Next went my meals for when I was at work. I simply stopped craving RAW during the day and started eating more cooked foods.

NIGHTMARE!

This week my stomach has been hurting from all the cooked foods I have eaten. I have more gas, acid and just general nasty feelings in my stomach than I have had in a very long time. I am not waking up happy or full of energy anymore. My dreams or visions for the future are clouded. I no longer feel in touch with myself, my energy or my surroundings. I also feel less effective at work. And all my insecurities and weaknesses are suddenly loud and very close to the surface. I feel like a raw nerve of doubt and I hate it!

This weekend I am spending some time with friends but then I am quickly getting back on the self-care train. I need to learn to prioritize myself even when the stress of life becomes strong. I need to learn to say no to family, friends and work mates. I need to make grocery shopping a regular habit so I have plenty of RAW foods when I come home exhausted and can’t think of what to do. And I need to learn that it’s ok to fall off the wagon every once in a while and that the best thing is to gently get back up and start again.

One positive note is that I did join a gym this weekend so I can start to lift weights and also use the steam room to relax in. And I am happy to admit that I have been able to notice every time I fell off the wagon that I simply did not feel as good as I had in the previous weeks and my desire was to get back to my healthier lifestyle. None of these thoughts were mean or degrading thoughts. They were loving thoughts of awareness when it came to my health.

Friends and Food

2011-04-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was reminded of a New York Times article I read a couple of years ago titled “Are your friend’s making you fat?”. I spent a good part of the day thinking about this article and my own personal journey. I was inspired and dare I say… A little jealous of Amber’s blog post about all the vegan/ raw food bloggers she got to see over the last week. I am so grateful for my friend Jen because without her own desire and interest in health, I may not have gotten as far into this whole topic/ life style change.

So I thought over how food and friends have affected my life over the last 10 years and if really thought about if I believed in what the article was trying to say. Do my friends and acquaintances really affect my food choices and my eating habits?

After spending an evening thinking about I dare say… I have to agree. …

To some parts of the article and only when thinking about my own life and my own journey. I don’t want to offend anyone nor make this a huge nightmare of a blog post but for the sake of my own journey, I have been affected by other people when it comes to my relationship with food.
But I am also affected by location of where I am living, traveling or visiting. And I am affected by my own mood and general wellbeing. There are so many factors going on but the one I want to focus on is the friendship/ relationship connection.

As I think back about my journey I see how this idea that other people affect me has happened throughout the years.
When I was living in NYC I became very small. I was around people that ate very healthy and very small amounts. I walked everywhere and I learned to say no to most food. When I lived in the Midwest, I gained weight. I was around people that liked to eat fried foods, not move very much and drink a lot. Seattle has always been a up and down city for me. I have friends that are all over the weight range. But I have noticed a shift lately. Because I am becoming so health focused I am moving towards more like minded people. It’s not a matter of judging people. I do believe you can be extremely healthy and also a larger size. But I am more attracted to people that are realistic and real about the relationship between food and how they are living their lives. This has been a natural progression and has happened slowly. I also find that people are becoming more attracted to spending time with me based on my healthy choices. I have spent numerous evenings taking friends to the RAW restaurant here in Seattle. I have been going over to friend’s houses to create RAW meals for them. I am introducing a new lifestyle to a lot of people around me while learning from already healthy people.
Last night I was talking with a friend about how I have noticed my friends that eat really healthy and do not struggle with issues with food have no emotions around food. It is not good or bad to them. It is just a neutral balance situation. I have been very influenced by this way of relating to food. It is something to be neutral about. Some days I will eat great and some days I might have a “treat” but there is no emotion around it but pure love.

I also find that what used to seem normal to me no longer does. And what does seem normal to me now is what tends to be normal to my healthier more balanced friends. There is an interesting quote from the article “Christakis and Fowler suspect that as friends around us become heavier, we gradually change our mental picture of what “obese” looks like and give ourselves tacit permission to add pounds.” So true! I have started to notice this with people around me. My mind set goes very relaxed when I am around certain groups of people and I tend to think about what I am eating. I look at things that are very unhealthy and some friends see these items as being fine. And I know the people around me feel the same way.

This does not mean by any means I will be dropping friends or refuses to see my friends that happen to be a larger size. That will never happen! I am just noticing for myself that I am influenced good or bad by the people around me. This leads me to want to be around healthier people while also being able to help my friends that want to lead a healthier lifestyle. I am never one to judge and I struggle with this issue so much myself that I totally understand where people are at on all sides of the health scale. Because I have been on all sides of the health scale.

But in truth I am finding that the healthier I get, some friends are simply disappearing. Not because of my actions but because …. I don’t really know why but I have some theories.

I have become boring to them. Without my desire to complain over unhealthy food and engage in unhealthy actives, I become less fun to be around. Unless, you want to go running with me, learn about raw foods with me, take a walk, play pinball etc. But if you want to sit in front of me and eat a burger while having me eat one as well…. You will be out of luck.

I think I am bringing up issues for them that they do not want to deal with. I am admitting that I have a problem and I am actively fixing it. But if my friends don’t want to admit to having an issue or are uncomfortable about admitting it, I am not going to be much fun around it. Unless you understand how healthy it is to face your fears and grow as a person!

Lack of similar interests. This one I understand. I am growing and my interests are growing. I want to expand my life, my mind and my body(in a healthy way). This includes change and a new direction and I am ok with this.

So far now I am just looking at this whole topic on a bigger picture scale and watching how my actions and choices change as I move towards a healthier lifestyle and while also allowing myself to change and grow as a person.

Something Old

2011-04-20T09:39:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was at a loss on what to wear to work. I have been losing weight so quickly that I am now only down to a couple of key items. I feel good about the weight loss and the fact that I am starting to look very healthy and happy. But I am struggling with the fact that I do not have any back up clothing to replace what I can no longer wear. That's right. I have no in between clothing!

I am not sure how it happened. I must have just given away all my in between clothing or never had any to begin with. But I am now at a loss of what to wear.

Last night I did find some relief in pair of pants I don't remember buying. I have not even worn these pants. They are brand new! I have no idea where they came from but they fit for right now. Another two weeks of raw foods and I will be falling out of them as well. But for now I have a very spring looking outfit on that makes me feel cute and that's what I am going to focus on. I will do some shopping this weekend and see what I can come up with. I don't want to invest too much into more clothing right now because I am not yet at my goal size. But things are getting a little silly for me to not buy a couple of key pieces..

And YEAH for being able to let go of the old sizes and donate them to someone that needs them. They are beautiful J.Jill and Ann Taylor pants and I loved them!

Today I am inspired by Gillian Young's blog! This month her theme is food attitude and it really struck a cord with some of the issues I have been working on lately. Gillian is working towards a more healthy and loving relationship with food. This has been happening for me as I transition towards the RAW diet. I am no longer in fear or food or feel guilty about food. I am finding balance in my relationship with food. Special occasions are becoming that, special occasions. I don't eat sweets everyday but when I do I can fully appreciate them instead of the semi-conscious feelings of guilt and disgust. My body is finally starting to be able to guide me towards healthier choices but it also let's me slip from time to time. Radishes are becoming my version of snack foods and I love that! I no longer crave fat, salt, oil or sugar. I crave the natural goodness of RAW foods. I find that this desire towards health is moving into all area's of my life. I am moving around more. I am eating less. I am making better choices in all area.

And I am truly learning to love food and to interact with it on a very healthy level.

The Life Changing Natural Diet

2011-04-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

Another lovely weekend...... I am dragging myself today to focus on the fact it is Monday. Oh how I wish I had one more day to continue the fun I had this weekend.

Last night I was reviewing the previous week in my head and you know what I realized? I am now eating RAW 4 days out of the week!!!! This change happened without me evening realizing it. Ever since I tried to go RAW in February I have backed away from trying to push myself into something I am not ready for. Or so I thought! I did not back away but I decide to make the transition a lot more natural. I stopped forcing myself to follow rules and started to just do what felt the best for myself while I also realizing that going RAW was something I was really interested in. It started slowly, my smoothie because totally raw, I started to pack my lunches during the week and then I found when I got home in the evenings the only thing that sounded or looked good to me was a nice salad.

I still struggle on the weekends because I want to be able to hangout with friends and do normal stuff. But I saw some differences this weekend. When I went out with friends on Friday night I ordered a huge salad and loved it! It has radishes in it so of course I had to order it. I then spent yesterday early afternoon with a good friend watching a soccer game from England in a pub. I packed a handful of radishes to eat while watching the game and trying not to drool as everyone around me ate a proper English breakfast. Of course, next to my radishes the English breakfast looked so heavy and kind ...... Well, kind of gross. It is getting easier over time and I know that sometime soon I will be eating 90% RAW.

My friend Jennifer and I have been talking a lot about health and beauty. She is also going through a life changing health realization and it has made my whole process easier to have a pal to talk with. We keep talking about how we need to put our journey into a book of some sort. We both have lost a lot of weight and yet neither of us feels deprived or unhappy at all. We both eat more now than we did before. We both are starting to glow from the inside out and we both are much happier than we have ever been. Where is all this coming from? The foods we put in our bodies!!! So hopefully we can figure out a way to share our stories with every one. We inspire each other everyday and want to share this with everyone we know!

One more exciting note before I start my day. This weekend I found out that my business mentor and dear friend moved away last month. I am somewhat sad but even more excited because I just found out she moved to Oklahoma City!!!! Which is of course, the same city I am dreaming of visiting so that I can attend The 105 Degrees Academy! And not only that but I also just found out they did a TED talk there!!! You can find the information here. To receive this email and find out my business mentor just moved there was what I consider a very strong sign of something new on the horizon.

Loads to think about

2011-04-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am eating RAW a couple of days out of the week, mostly while I working. I find the routine of being at work easier for me to not be tempted by the old ways. I love how I feel full at lunch yet not sleepy or sluggish. I practically jump out of bed in the morning full of energy. I am happy all day long with loads of positive energy and I feel very balanced in all areas of my life.

And my morning smoothie.... I can't say enough about my morning smoothie.

For the last couple of weeks I have been adding cherries to the mix. Yum! I also switched to Almond Milk and if I need a an extra kick I will throw in a few raw almonds for extra energy. My days have been full of radishes which as you know are my new favorite thing in the world and then in my evenings I am eating salads made up of fresh arugula from my kitchen garden. Truly Divine is all I can say!

I have had some interesting developments this week. For one, two nights this week I have broken my rule and gone out on a week night. It has been OK. I just don't feel as happy at work. I come in and just put my head phones on versus my usual bubbly self. I can feel the imbalance that has developed because I am tired after being out late the night before. And I don't feel as present with people. So next week it's back to the normal way of doing things.

I have been pushing myself to get outside of my comfort zone and this has actually included meeting someone. It's a very new thing and I won't go into to much detail but this person makes me smile, laugh and feel better all around. If nothing more new friends are always good.

I have also been having to give space in situations that I no longer feel are healthy. I am all about being present, honest and loving right now to everyone in my life. And sometimes other people are not on such a peaceful path. I want to be able to hold space for them and be there for them but I also do not want to fall into their drama or unhealthy cycles. I feel that I am accepting that I can not be healthy for these people right now but I can change the dynamic by giving people space and time to work out or at least work on what they need too. While I continue on my peaceful and very fulfilling path in life.

This weekend I will be working in the garden and spending time with good friends. Two of my favorite things. Someone commented last week that my kitchen was becoming very "green". Meaning full of live plants, veggies growing and kitchen herbs. It is quickly becoming my favorite room.

What I am dreaming about

2011-04-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

I dream of the 105 Degrees Raw culinary school. I look at their website every day. I read blogs written by people that have attended this school and I think about how every day I know I am getting closer to attending this school! One of the first Raw books I read was written by Matthew Kenney , Entertaining in the Raw. It is a beautiful book that is very daunting to a newbie like me. But I loved the idea of what I could do with Raw foods once I learned more about how to make the food. I loved how in contrast to the hippie Raw restaurants here in the Northwest. This food was beautiful and elegant looking. And the combinations of foods made my mouth water. So simple yet so wonderful sounding. At that time I had no idea he had opened a culinary school and that I would be just a few months later longing to go there.

So besides dreaming of going to this school and being obsessed with RAW blogs, I am also busy at work in the kitchen.

I have not said much about my new job that I started in January but it is for a very large and very famous video game company. I love my job, I love the world of video games and I love my workmates…

But what I love more than any of that is being in the kitchen making RAW food. I love walking in the fruits and veggies aisle at my local CO-OP or farmer’s market and coming up with new ideas. So last night I made a Cherry Kiwi RAW pudding. I also made a glorious salad for lunch today. I also came up with a new smoothie for my breakfast, Cherry Mango Almond Milk.

I seem to be really into Cherries and Radishes right now. Nothing sounds better to me than some fresh Radishes, some blended up frozen Cherries and a lovely arugula and watercress salad! I started my spring garden this weekend. I have micro greens growing right now which if I can resist myself from eating them, will turn into wonderful Heirloom radishes. I planted heirloom carrots and 6 kinds of radishes. What did I tell you about craving radishes! It’s an intense desire. I picked three spots in my yard where I will grow fresh herbs, tomatoes, beans, zucchini and other things. I can’t wait for the first harvest! I will try to post some photos soon of all this gardening. I am so inspired by the RAW community that I can’t wait to share the love. I am even thinking about attending the Vegan Blogger convention happening in Portland this summer. What a whole new life I am cultivating!

2011-04-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

Another amazing weekend. This one was more simple than the previous weekends but no less fun. I spent time with just two friends and was really present to both of them. It felt great to have no worries or stress. One amazing habit I have picked up in the last few months that has greatly changed my life is to not go out Sunday through Thursday nights. This time spent at home during the work week, allows me to truly have weekends of fun. I don't have to worry about cleaning or washing my clothes since I do that during the week. Instead I can let my weekends flow organically and I can just be present to whatever fun comes my way.

This weekend included making a RAW Lime Pudding! It was delicious and only had 4 ingredients. Avocado, bananas, lime and lemon zest and juice. You throw it all in a blender and ZING, you have the most amazing pudding ever. You won't miss the lack of dairy or the lack of sugar. We ate this pudding as our dinner and it was so filling. I felt amazing in the morning and loved the fact I could eat something so close to a dessert for dinner! I am already coming up new idea's for future puddings to try. I can't wait to share this dessert with more people.

I also went on a huge hike this weekend that included a large amount of stairs up a giant bluff. I was a little worried as I walked down to the beach that I would not be able to make it back up. After two hours of searching the beach for beach glass with a good friend of mine, we started the long trek up the path. Much to my surprise this climb up the cliff was easy. I sometimes forget about how much exercise I do during the week. Becoming so physically fit has made special adventures like this something I truly love.

One exciting thing that happened this weekend was I was asked by a good friend to come over and meet with her and her husband to teach them about moving towards a RAW lifestyle. They have seen the changes in me over the last six months and are amazed at how moving towards this lifestyle has totally changed not only my physical body but also how this lifestyle has changed my attitude, my energy level and even my skin(I appear much more youthful and healthy looking). Of course I agreed to share this part of my life with them. I am so in love with every change I have made in my life and get very excited about other people opening up to this level of true happiness. So in a few weeks I will have a session with them where I am going to teach them how to make a RAW dinner and then we will go for a huge walk. I am going to experiment with recipes until I find the perfect one to introduce someone who has only ever eaten processed food. Will keep you posted on this development.

Daydreams

2011-03-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have daydreams at work of quitting my job and going to school full time to learn how to become a RAW chef. I read daily raw blogs and I am so inspired by people that get to spend all their time creating amazing food and teaching people about the wonderful transformation that can happen when you start to go RAW. I think this maybe the next step in my life and I am just letting the Universe guide me. I do get very excited by reading these blogs and realizing that there are people out there living the life I would like to live one day.

But I am not sure that 100% raw is for me yet. I hate to admit it that I do get weepy if I don’t eat meat at least once a month. I know this is not that much meat to eat but I would like to be able to get over this issue. I also still crave cheese and sometimes even bread type items. I am slowly cutting these items out of my life and replacing them with amazing RAW foods but it is a slow process and one that I am excited about but also taking my time to balance everything out. I don’t think this type of large life style change can happen really quickly. I want long term new habits to form so this is a process.

I am going to a very interesting Design lecture at the University of Washington tonight. I don’t normally go out during the week but I am making an exception for this event. I am working very hard on bringing in more meaningful hobbies into my life. I want to experiment and live life. Part of this living is me going out and trying new things. So tonight is a venture into a new world of design for me. It is an architecture and space lecture about boundaries and nature. Everything else is pretty good and calm. I have been running every night and am starting to crave the feeling of working out again. It is still cloudy and wet here in the northwest which I must admit is starting to get me down. I love Seattle most of the time but right now it is just too dark and makes me long for the Deep South or LA area. I need sunshine, warm air and t-shirt weather!

New lessons to learn

2011-03-29T09:35:00.001-07:00

The last two weeks have been non-stop fun. However, this week I am learning a very tough and needed lesson. I quickly let sugar back into my life and within a week I am feeling it so strongly that I physically hurt. I am exhausted and just straight up tired. My energy level is normal it's just the pain in my body that is causing me issues. All that has changed in my life was the introduction of sugar in a non essential way. argh! So I have been really increasing my raw food and veggies in hopes that this will allow the sugar to leave my body sooner. I am taking it easy and just allowing myself to really feel this pain and discomfort so that in the future when my coworkers bring in donuts everyday for a week, I can back away and say no.

I did buy new work out shoes this week and had a wonderful workout last night in them. It felt like I was jogging on clouds! I also bought some super hot boots and my first ever pair of skinny jeans! This is the first time in 10 years that I am wearing non baggy clothing. I feel so happy to see my body shrinking. I am also very happy at how my confidence level is starting to allow me to wear clothes that actually fit and show off my best assets.

I have also been filled with much love for all my new girlfriends in life. I have been having the best time getting to know them and be able to be a part of their lives. I feel like every week I learn several lessons and this week is no different. Besides not eating sugar, I am learning to call and check in with my girlfriends. Even if it is just for 5 mins. I have never been a phone person and growing up with mostly men, I never really learned the importance of a female support group. This is one of those issues I have wanted to tackle and change because as I get older I can see the importance of this support group and of being in the habit of checking in with people. So I have been working on this with my wonderful friend Jennifer. We have been checking in with each other every evening, discussing how our days went and what kind of food choices we made. She is also very excited about eating better, getting healthier and eating more raw foods. At first I felt weird calling someone to just talk but now it is becoming second nature and I look forward to our calls. It is so nice to have a partner during this new growth phase in life.

Loving so much this morning

2011-03-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

It is sunny here in the Northwest and I can feel Summer starting to come slowly to this part of the day. I love Fall when the leaves start to drop and the evenings get dark and cozy but there is something even more magical about the Spring. We are up to 12 hours of day light now with many more to go. The Mountains all around me are clear and snow covered. I love how soft the light is on my drive to work and how when I jog at night now I am not in total darkness. I have been out three nights in a row jogging! I am feeling so much better! I have even finally stopped coughing. So now I have no excuse not to run. I even downloaded an app to help me keep track of steps and distance for my run. This will help me to increase both my time and distance as I now take steps to push me further ahead. This morning as I settle into my desk and check all my blogs that I love to read in the morning, I am starting to see a common theme. Self love for your body! What a great message this morning. I have such a complicated relationship with my body but a deep love for it. I think even after being sick for so long and even with the knowledge of my spine condition, I love my body even more because it is bouncing back so well. My body almost has a mind of it's own. Even when my mind wanted to throw in the towel and give up because I was in so much pain my body refused. And now my body is loving the exercising so much it is rewarding me with easy weight loss and strength. I am starting to tone up all over my body and I can even eat whatever I want now. No more are the days of stomach issues or easy weight gain. Now I am hard pressed to not lose weight or feel ill. My body is rewarding me in so many ways because it is in love with what is changing on the inside and outside. Of course I am rewarding my body with RAW foods, small portions and lots of water. I am rewarding it with wonderful cashmere and cotton. I am rewarding it by showing off instead of hiding. And most of all I am rewarding my whole self with LOVE! Tonight will be day 4 of jogging and 18 days closers to getting in the habit of jogging every night! I will get there.

Truly Blessed

2011-03-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

This weekend was one of those weekends where I felt like I was in a french movie. Everything was beautiful, perfectly timed and just the right tempo to keep me happy and fulfilled all weekend long.

It started with ladies night on Friday night at one of my new favorite places in Seattle, Moshi Moshi. With it's sparkling Cherry Tree in the middle,the wood interior that bring earth tones to a comforting level and a bar tender that can make a non-alcoholic taste better than any alcoholic drink I have ever had, it was the perfect night. Let's not forget the wonderful women I spent the evening with! They are my partners on this journey of change that I am so excited about. I truly feel like a butterfly coming out of my cocoon. And a blessed little butterfly at that!

Next was my women's meeting on Saturday morning that then turned into an afternoon spent with a new friend while walking around the SUNNY, perfect Seattle day. I am so excited when I make new friends and this one is a great addition to my life right now. We made plans to do things together. One of my goals for this year is to take the eating part out of spending time with people. I want to do things with friends, learn about things, create new interests and hobbies. I want to walk and talk with them, take a class with them or go somewhere with them. I just don't want it to be all about food or drinking. I want it to be about exploring this wonderful city and experiencing life in a new way. This new friend has the same desire in life and I have a feeling that a new best friendship is about to be born in my life!

Saturday afternoon rolled into Saturday evening where I met up with another good friend and we caught up after not seeing each other for months. She has not seen me since I started my new improvement kick and was blown away by the changes. Cut a little(a lot) of hair off, get a new wardrobe, find the perfect makeup and add a little self confidence and bam! you have a new and beautiful lady! I had not thought that I had changed that much but she was blown away. So we spent the evening catching up and catching the eyes of cute people in one of my other favorite places in Seattle.

Sunday morning I did what I love to do every other Sunday morning. I met up with another good friend for breakfast. My friend works for three hours on Sunday morning and then picks me up for a leisurely Sunday morning adventure. He is one of my best friends and in many ways is my rock that I depend on. I was home before the afternoon and then spent the rest of the day getting ready for my week. I made a RAW dinner and cleaned my room.

It was truly a perfect weekend for me. Everything flowed so easily and perfectly. I had so much energy and was just so grateful to be exactly where I am at right now. Plus, Spring is finally starting to come around to the Northwest and that makes every cell in my body happy. The days are longer and warmer. There is nothing that beats it staying light until 10 at night during those warm summer months!

Moving forward and enjoying the present

2011-03-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

My heart goes out to Japan and all the people suffering from this whole experience. What a terrible thing to happen to such a wonderful place and group of people. But I know that the amount of love coming from everyone will help them to move forward and change how we deal with nuclear energy, disaster preparations and everything else. Please donate, pray or do whatever you can for these strong and wonderful people. They need everyone support.

In other news, I had the most wonderful weekend! I broke down last weekend and finally went to the doctor to get on some antibiotics. It has taken a few days but by Friday I was finally feeling like being social and not just going home to bed so I went out with some new friends! What a fun night!!!! I spent the evening with like minded people. discussing traveling, food, wine and other area's we are passionate about. It was a great way to kick start my weekend.

Saturday I finally broke down and bought a new cell phone. Mine broke on Super Bowl Sunday and I have been without a phone since. I love my new phone and being able to be in touch with my friends again. I even went on a surprise shopping trip Saturday evening with a friend and bought some much need new additions to my wardrobe. I am finally ready to move beyond my much loved Hoodies. I think at this point I maybe just too old to wear hoodies to work. Of course it could have something to do with my awesome job at a large corporation, where I am actually in a position of being very successful and happy. So I bought a couple of new tops and some cardigans in a new style that looks amazing with my new body.

Sunday I usually lay low and prepare for the week. I tend to check in at work and get everything prepared for the week. This Sunday I did spend some time with my mom and catching up with old friends.

This week at work has been filled with laughter and happiness. And I even have started to run again at night. I tried last week to get back into it but my lungs prevented me from getting very far. This week will be different. I feel like my body and energy level are finally on the same page and I am getting that excited feeling about working out again. I really, truly missed it.

Last nights dinner was a success

2011-03-10T07:57:00.001-08:00

Last night I made my first meal using Kelp noodles and it was such a wonderful success I wanted to share it with you. And to top it off, I had so much energy after the meal and I feel amazing this morning. I am so used to after eating feeling groggy and not great that I am always surprised when I eat a meal that actually makes me feel incredible.

Spicy Asian Almond Sauce with Kelp Noodles

--I put a couple of handfuls of almonds (or any nut you would like) in a blender
--I then added some sesame oil and chili oil
--Soy Sauce
--Fresh Ginger
--Fresh garlic
-- A bit of water to make the sauce less like peanut butter and more like a sauce
-- a tiny dash of honey

I blended all this up in the blender for about 3 or 4 minutes. It tasted amazing! I did not even miss the peanuts which is usually the sauce I like to use when making a recipe like this.

Kelp Noodles-
These need to be drained and rinsed a couple of times. I then filled a large bowl up with cold water and lemon juice. This takes the crunchy/ squeaky sound out of the noodles that appear if you don't do this step. I let them soak in the lemon juice/ water for almost an hour. I then rinsed and drained them several more times.

Then I put the noodles and any veggies you might have in the house in a large bowl and poured the sauce over them. I added a little extra sauce because the noodle have no taste at all and they will soak up the sauce nicely. For this dinner I put in Red Pepper, Carrot, Arugula and tomatoes.

This dinner was so easy and delicious. Because the sauce was an Asian influenced sauce it worked nicely with the Kelp noodles which are very similar to Asian glass noodles. I was thinking for my next recipe I am going to try a nice Mushroom sauce with the noodles and veggies.

Next time I will also try to take a photograph! I wish I remembered this last night because this meal was truly incredible. I am now starting to understand how eating RAW is actually a lot easier than I realized.

Feeling better!

2011-03-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

While the antibiotics are working on my illness, I have been battling with a stomach ache like you would not believe.

Today I worked from home which is a wonderful aspect to my job. I can work from anywhere. This allowed me to go to the store to stock up on probiotics to help my stomach and digestive system deal with the antibiotics. I had a probiotic smoothie for lunch and I will be having a RAW kelp noodle dinner full of veggies. I am hoping this will help me get a full night of sleep tonight. The pills really seem to hit me hard between 12 and 4 am when my stomach has become empty yet I have this large pill dissolving in my system.

But I am feeling better in my sinus and lung area and my energy is finally coming back. Which means I can start up again and go running on a more regular basis. I don't know why I waited so long to go to the doc but I am very happy I did. I missed running everyday. I had no idea how much this one activity has changed my life but it has. The change can be seen in my body, mind and even spirit.

**********
For dinner I made the Kelp Noodles with an Asian style almond sauce, red peppers, carrots and arugula mixed in. It was so good! I feel the best I have felt in a month! YEAH for RAW dinner!!!!!!

Finally getting better!

2011-03-08T07:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally broke down and went to the doctor. I simply am not getting better and it has almost been a month now. So I am now on meds and not super happy about it but hopefully I will be feeling better soon.

It was sunny yesterday and I was able to work from home. I enjoyed sitting next to the window looking out at the Sound and seeing the sun. I looked at the weather this morning and it will now be raining for the next two weeks straight! I am so grateful I can work from home and was able to enjoy yesterday. I was too sick to go outside much but just being able to sit next to the window was good enough for me.

I have a new friend and we went shopping together this weekend. I don't love shopping or having to get dressed up but after reading my new hero/blogger's blog post last week I decided to take the Change your Style, Change your Life challenge. Well, it was not a challenge from her end of things but I decided to make it one for myself. I do want to change the way I dress. As my body tones up and I get healthier I want to feel confident in how I dress and what I look like. This blog written by Sally could not have come at a better time in my life. It is giving me confidence and ideas to change how I dress.

I recommend her blog to anyone ready for a change in life or just wants to dress a little bit differently.

My new friend gave me so many idea's of how to bring more color into my life. It was a wonderful day spent with a new friend that is quickly becoming a hero in my book.

LA is calling......

2011-03-03T07:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I went running which means I am 20 days away from having this become a habit again. It was a good run. Not as successful as a couple of nights ago but it still felt great.

I had a very successful day yesterday in all area's of my life. I was put on the spot to show off a side project at work and I rocked it! My new job is becoming something I adore. I like the work and I like how much growth there is right now. I am also able to start moving into new marketing areas which is what I am truly passionate about. So I arrived home last night feeling great.
But the best part of my day was receiving a call from a very dear friend that I do not get to see enough because he is always on world tours. He has just settled into the LA area and we made plans for me to come spend some time with him in May!!!!

I adore this man. He is a true soul mate and I can't wait to go visit him. We are going to go paddle boarding and do other fun outdoor adventures. We are even going to go to a outdoor hot spring. I can't wait to see him!

So my dear friends in the LA area... I will be coming to visit in May.

While I was running I decided that this trip was going to only happen if I could use it as a reward for building up my running 5 to 6 days a week. I want to use this trip to motivate me to work out more and just keep enjoying life.

Follow up

2011-03-01T07:36:00.001-08:00

So last night I was finally able to go running after more than two weeks away. I was not looking forward to it as I knew it would feel like I was starting from scratch again....But you know what happened?
I ran further than before I got sick. It was very interesting and sort of strange. I was expecting to only run a short distance and then have to walk but every time I started to feel like stopping I seem to break through to the runner's high and just kept going.

Today I am a bit sore which I think is actually a good thing. I felt so good last night and I slept great! Today I feel amazing!
Tonight I have an event to attend so I will be unable to run but Wednesday I will be back on the plan. I am still sick but I think working out might just allow me to kick this cold for good.

So my lesson from this experience is to not let fear get in my way. I was scared to go running after being away so long but I was pleasantly surprised at the outcome. This is true in so many areas of life.
Right now is all about me becoming fearless, learning to love my feminine side and learning a life full of positive things!

Today is a start

2011-02-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it is the new hair cut that is making all my lady friends want to do make overs on me but something has changed. Every woman I know is spending a lot of time putting make on me and dressing me up.
And for the first time ever I am enjoying it!
I am learning so much about bringing the female energy back into my life. I am soaking up all the wisdom I never learned and I truly enjoying the new healthier and what I think is more beautiful me coming out!

Today was a bit of a turn around day. I took extra vitamins. I ate only an energy bar for lunch at work. I came home and had a raw arugula, red pepper and cashew dip salad and now I am about to go running for the first time in almost two weeks!
I know I won't get far but it's a start. 22 days to build a habit and 5 days to kill it. Well I am about to be 21 days closer to this becoming a habit again. I can really feel the difference between what life was like when I was working out everyday and now and I have to admit. I like life a lot more when I was working out all the time. I felt so much better!
Plus, I am hoping this extra dose of vitamins and raw foods will kick this cold out of my system. I do not want to be sick anymore!

Tomorrow I am going out for a ladies night with some of my best girlfriends. I can't wait!
I have my outfit picked out. It is a garnet hill dress and garnet hill sweater with knee high boots. It will be very feminine and I can't wait to try my new make up!

Crazy Weather

2011-02-27T17:47:00.000-08:00

Lucky for me this week the weather has been so crazy I have even more of an excuse not to work out!
Actually... It's not really lucky. I am still sick. I can feel my good habits slipping away as I get further away from working out on a daily basis. I want so badly to work out like I was a month ago but I am still sick and weak. I finally will be receiving health insurance this week so I can go to the doctor. Hopefully they will be able to help me because this cold is getting me down!

I did get an amazing haircut this weekend and had a make over yesterday. When I look in the mirror I don't see myself. I see a better, healthier and happier person than I have been in years. Now I just need to take all that energy and get back on my workout plan and I will be very happy.

I really hope I feel better soon!

Work is going really well. I was just given the green light to take on a project that I am very excited about and it will give me a lot of exposure in many departments at my company. I am so lucky to be exactly where I am right now!

Working it out

2011-02-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

Last night it snowed here in the Northwest, except not in my neighborhood. This means I am the only person at work so far this morning. It's actually really nice and quiet. I have been getting a lot of work done.

Physically I am finally starting to feel a little better. I took the whole weekend last weekend and most of this week off from doing anything but resting. I turned the heat up in my house and just took it easy. I feel better but am not ready for working out yet. I am bummed. 21 days to build a habit and 5 days to crush it. Well my working out habit has been crushed!!!!! I need to get my schedule back.

I am waking up 25 minutes earlier in the morning so I can start transferring my workout time from night to morning. Hopefully this will help me get motivated once I am done being sick.

The theme of this week is taking care of my business. I have had some issues come up from the past that I need to deal with. It's not fun but it's something I have been putting off for years so now I must just bite the bullet and realize that this next year is about me getting my whole life back on track. Anytime a illness takes someone down so hard like I expereinced. It takes a couple of years to get life back on track. I have learned many lessons over this whole expereince and I am just grateful to be in a position where I can actually take care of these issues so they go away forever.
But they do not make for a very exciting life.
But they do make for a responsible and adult life!

Back on the right path

2011-02-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

This weekend my brain was all over the place. It was not a very successful nor pleasant weekend. The only thing I can pinpoint is the fact I have not worked out all weekend due to my health. This was an old and not happy brain cycle I went through and totally I feel like a raw nerve today.

I think it's best to start working out again this evening and just take care of myself for the next few days as I cycle out of this negative space and come back into my life that I actually totally adore.

I have been picking out new work related outfit items that I am slowly starting to add to my wardrobe. I am finally at a size where I can wear what I want again....Actually I always could wear those clothes I just did not look as good in them as I did in my brain. But my body size is starting to match what I see when I look in the mirror and this is very exciting. I am still losing weight even though I have not been working out lately. This helps me to feel a little better. Takes a couple of things off my plate of stress.

I am going to start doing yoga again. I need a bit of a stress release and I need to mix up my work out routine. So in March I will join and Gym and start taking yoga classes.

One goal I have for the next month is to start waking up at 5 am and go to the gym or go for a run before work. I had been working out at night when I got home from things but I think that something in me has changed and it might just be easier for me to wake up early and work out in the morning. It will take me a month to start training myself to wake up so early. So far I have been turning the clock back to 5:45 and this seems to be ok. Little by little I will train myself to get up earlier so that I can work out in the morning.

Positive Baby steps is what I am all about right now!

My favorite thing

2011-02-17T08:49:00.000-08:00

This week I discovered Smooze!

They are coconut milk based frozen treats and I am in serious love!

They are vegan and so far my fave flavor is the coconut and passion fruit ones. These little treats are the only thing that are soothing to this head cold I can not shake!

I feel like I have been sick for months and I am sick of being sick!

I know little by little I am getting better everyday but this is just getting to be too much. I have not been able to work out because of this head cold yet I don't want to take meds given out by doctors so I am causing myself to suffer in the long run.... I know this...It's just that antibiotics really damage my body and I have taken a lot of them in my past and I don't want to hurt myself with them at this time. I finally feel like I am in a state of health and I don't want to go backwards. I just need to take care of myself over the next two weeks.

Besides being sick.... life is grand!

I am really enjoying focusing my time and energy on myself and my health. This has been long overdue. I wake up every morning filled with happiness about life. I enjoying being excited about the small things in life. I am even embracing how much routine I am building into my life. I love knowing what my schedule is. It really helps to keep me on track.

I must go shopping soon. My clothes are literally falling off me or are so big I look like I am swimming in them. I love them because they are so comfy but I am now boarding on just silly looking. Time for some skinny jeans!

Changes

2011-02-15T09:29:00.000-08:00

This week has been good. I have been super aware of my body and everything that goes along with my new healthy lifestyle. My energy is finally returning from my flu and I have been out running with the dog. I went to another RAW restaurant with a good girlfriend this weekend and had a wonderful meal. I am really enjoying life right now.

One area where I am struggling is where do you draw the line between changing yourself and watching people you love refuse to grow in their lives? I am working so hard to change things, I am pushing myself to really try new ways of thinking and new activities. I am opening up more and really pushing my thoughts to see life in a new way. It was been a wonderful and exciting process but in some ways it is leaving other people in the dust.

I think I am just in a transition mode. I am meeting new and healthier people and I have to just admit to myself.... I am changing.... I am not in the same place and that's ok.
It's all about self love and being true to myself. I love the changes that are happening to myself and my life and that is all I am going to focus on.

RAW for a day

2011-02-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

Friday was a very emotional and psychological experience for me. I was lucky in that I could leave work early because the hardest part about being raw for the day was sitting at my desk. I felt fine if I was moving around and doing things but just sitting in front of the computer made me think of all the food I suddenly wanted that I would never eat in a million years except for the fact I felt like a caged animal.

So once I left I work I felt a lot better. I had some coconut water and took a long walk. I then went over to a girl friends house and we laughed and talked. Saturday I felt amazing! I was not tired all day. I had a long day and all throughout the day I kept thinking about how great I physical felt. Friday night I was thinking that raw might not be my thing but then by Saturday because I felt so good, I am rethinking the whole experience.

I think I will keep working towards eating a mostly raw diet. But I will also be easier on myself. I learned that I can not tell myself "no" or I will rebel. So I am back to making very small changes over time that will lead to long term effects. Maybe I will try eating only a raw dinner for a week and see how that goes.

This weekend was also full of time spent in a city I used to live in but no longer do. It was a little hard on me because life is so different than it was 5 to 10 years ago. I do not like to be haunted by the past but I was for a few hours this weekend.
But I also loved that I kept thinking about how much I love my life right now. I feel free for the first time in years. I am really having fun exploring what my heart desires and my spirit wants. I am never lonely, I have a great job and my health is in the best shape it's been in since I was a teenager. For the first time in a long time I am excited about my freedom and my future. So this weekend was not so bad as I look back on the experience. It was a small pain in an otherwise life I adore!

I am excited for it to be the start of the week. This means I am back to my work out routine and the simple life. I love weekends but I really look forward to the routine of the week.

RAW Morning

2011-02-04T10:57:00.000-08:00

Today I am attempting a totally raw day.

So far so good.

I do miss my morning cup of decaf and my morning earl grey tea. Both include a little sugar and milk. I also forgot my water bottle which is a huge bummer for me because I drink from it all day! I do have a giant cup with me that I drink my morning smoothie out of so I will use that. It just requires getting up from my desk more.

There have been a couple of panic moments this morning when my brain starts to scream at me that I need to eat some type of junk. I don't know if it is the salt, the sugar spike or the fat but there is something that my brain is upset about. If I calmly think about the fact I have loads of veggies, raw flax crackers and really good cashew dip the panic stops. I think it is just because it is something so different that my normal day. This level of panic is nothing compared to if i tried this six months ago. I am already eating so healthy anyways that for the most part this is a smooth transitation. Or it should be. But my stubborn side comes back with cravings for foods I don't even like anymore.

But like the days I had to detox off all the medications for my spine and when I decided to give up sugar for two months, I can do this. I just need to give myself loving thoughts of how much better I will feel tomorrow. Going to a totally raw diet is a long term process and this is just a small first step.

This weekend is so packed with events. Snowshoeing, shopping, super bowl(maybe), dinner with friends tonight. I am so blessed to have all these wonderful events to look forward too.

Going for a RAW day

2011-02-03T13:51:00.000-08:00

Today has me searching out blogs about people living on Raw Diet lifestyle. I am not looking to hire someone, pay someone or buy anything. What I am looking for is a true account of someone that has decided to go towards the Raw Diet path and the what the journey has looked like. Long gone are the days of blogs being about actual people and what they are up too. Or at least my search engine is not bringing that information up.

If anyone knows a good blog please send it this way!

I have spent the morning looking over green smoothie recipes as well as Raw cashew dip recipes. I can't wait to get home and try it out. I am going to shoot for a raw day tomorrow. I need to stop by my local co-op tonight and pick up things for my lunch tomorrow. I will make things a head of time and bring them in tomorrow so I won't be tempted by the 10 different food stands we have in our cafeteria. I am joining some girl friends for dinner tomorrow night and we have already agreed on a raw dinner so it's just the day time I need to think about. Since I was already doing a raw dinner trying for the whole day seemed like an easy thing to do.

After my Raw meal on Tuesday I felt great all day yesterday. I had a very healthy eating day and even today I can still think about how vibrant and alive the food was. I really noticed a difference yesterday in my body and mind. I have to admit Monday and Tuesday of this week I ate sugar and I did have a bit of a sugar desire yesterday but I just keep replacing the idea of sugar with raw foods. The lesson I did learn this week was eating anything with sugar in it is a slippery slope. I started craving it more than usual and trying to trick myself into eating more of it. So scary how easily those desires start to creep up again.

I will let you know how my raw day goes. This is a big experiment but I am very excited to see how I feel throughout the day. After all the strides I have been making since this fall, what was once a scary idea... Eating healthy, giving up the foods I once loved, exercising everyday.. now does not seem so scary. I can go a day eating only raw foods. I won't feel deprived. I know I will actually end up feeling great.

Not much else is going on in life. I am just really focusing on getting used to working during the day and then motivating myself to work out at night. I have been very good in clearing my life so I can focus on building a healthy routine for myself and my life.
For the first time in three years I will be going shopping for new clothes this weekend. I have lost enough weight that I look like I am swimming in my clothes. I am actually getting very excited about my body. For the first time since I was a teenager, I looked at myself in a full body mirror and I loved what I saw! I can't tell you how amazing this felt. I felt nothing but true love for myself and my body. It was a beautiful moment in time for me. I think about this often because it makes me realize how many times I looked at myself and thought the opposite thing.

2011 is truly all about pleasure!

Learning about myself

2011-02-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

Wow!

Whatever has changed in my life I wish it to keep on changing! Miracles are all around me and it is wonderful to be a part of them.

I had an amazing week last week. I am really enjoying my new job and have been approaching this job with a new way of thinking. I am coming in everyday in a state of abundance. I know a lot of people are trying to up each other to show off in the office and they tend to live in a constant state of fear about working or the lack of jobs. I am coming in everyday knowing that I work hard, that I play fair and that the universe will provide. This has been a great change for me and I can see how it has made my once nervous coworkers more at ease and more open to doing things in a group setting. We all have our strengths and need to work as a team. To have my coworkers more at ease makes our work environment a great place to come in everyday and have fun. I am feeling very confident in this new position and situation.

I did have a very exciting dinner with my business mentor the other day. She might have a chance to build a super star team for a new position and asked if I would be interested in joining her. I was so flattered and excited about this. I don't know what will happen but to have someone think of me in this way made my night. Especially since I met this woman at a very dark time in my life but worked very hard to prove myself as a colleague and equal. I look forward to seeing where fate and life take me!

My eating this week has been off. I am not stressed or upset. Actually I am the happiest I have been in a long time. When I actually think back on my eating over the last week it is not that bad. I might have had what I consider a bad lunch but then I will skip dinner or just make it a vegetable for dinner. Or I wake up craving vegetables for breakfast and steam some up. I think it was more the lack of thought that makes me upset. I was on auto pilot this weekend, celebrating life and I did not get my run in during the evenings. I just sort of slacked and by Monday I felt physically bad. I felt and looked bloated. But I have been kind on myself. I keep reminding myself that it is small steps that will lead to long term changes in life. So I had a relaxing weekend in which I did not worry about things but I now see how important it is to not live on autopilot. I need to give my attention to every part of life on a daily basis. Maybe over time as I created new healthier habits I can live on auto pilot but I would rather not.

Monday night as soon as I got home I immediately put my workout clothes on and went out for a run before I could even make an excuse. I actually had a very successful work out and I felt a lot better.
I keep learning lessons that will one day become second nature. Sugarary things like Cake make my stomach upset. Red meat is only good for me once a month. I need to increase my vegetables while staying away from bread. I can have small little treats but anything close to a normal serving is not good for me.
And I need to work out everyday.

Last night I went to a raw restaurant and tried Kelp Noodles. They are a lot like glass noodles from any Asian restaurant. Except kelp noodles are kind of crunchy sounding when you eat them. It was a wonderful mean of noodles, veggies and a ginger sauce. I left full and happy. I could see using the noodles in place of pasta for most things. It was nice to open myself up to trying new foods. Before I went out to eat, I went for my nightly run. It has been hard to enjoy it the last few nights because I slacked so much but I will keep it up. At some point it will get easier...... I hope

I want to tell you something

2011-01-18T19:29:00.001-08:00

So far 2011 has been amazing, fulfilling and just plain great!
I love my new job. I have this great group of coworkers and I even adore my manger. I am working in a department that is geared towards younger, more creative types so I fit right in. I love that you can hear people laughing while they work. We have a lot of work on a daily basis and some days there is stress but for the most part everyone is in a good mood and it is just fun to go there during the week.

But there is something that I want to share with my blog readers that has been on my mind for a long time. Before when I used my blog as a place for my company I tried not to get super personal because it was all about my candles. But now this blog has turned back into a place where I can share what is going on in my life and I am ready to admit something.

For the last ten years of my life I have been very overweight. It has been a struggle for me. For the longest time I never wanted to talk about or admit that my weight had gotten out of hand. I literally thought that I had no idea how it had happened, I could not understand why I kept gaining weight. I lived with my head in the ground and just pretended or ignored that my body was becoming so unhealthy. One of the hardest things about my back injury was the doctor telling me that I had to lose weight and I was obese. This made me so angry. I thought how dare he say something like that when I am hurt and so weak.

After my spine injury I started making very small changes while again ignoring what needed to happen. I needed to become real about the fact that I had to lose weight. I have a long road ahead of me and for the longest time I thought I had to go about this alone. But then something changed this fall and now I am ready to talk about it.

Sometime starting in September I began to have the desire to go jogging. This is something I have never felt. I hated exercising and moving. It hurt and I was always too tired to do it. But slowly this desire to start running was getting louder. I would constantly tell myself I could not do it because of my back, even though I had no idea if this was true or not. But around the same time that I started to change the way I was thinking I decided to also start jogging. At first I could not make it to the end of the block. But I did enjoy the way I felt after that first day. So I went out the next night as well. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I can't believe how much these little steps have changed my life. I am now up to a mile at a time of running and hoping to increase this to 5 by this summer.

I think what helped this awakening was being so poor I could not go out at night. I could not distract or excuse myself from working out because I simple had nothing else to do with myself. Over time I started waking up excited to be able to work out at night. I thought about it all day. I felt so good and alive after my run that I wanted to do nothing but work out. It has become a good obsession.

My body did not change much at first, infact I did not lose any weight. I did notice my pants getting a little bit bigger but nothing noticeable. As I kept up running I started to take small steps to change my eating habits. I drank more water. I started eating dinner earlier and then eating nothing after 8 pm. I stopped craving junk food and started to notice how what I put into my body would affect how much I could run at night or how well I felt physically the next day.

Last month I started getting serious about really changing my eating habits. I lost weight over the holidays and now I want to lose more and I am finally started to see the connection between food and weight. I started to notice that when I eat any form of junk food it makes my stomach hurt and I just feel terrible. I have been thinking about going RAW for a month long trial to see how my body will do. I have been more open to healthier foods and trying new things out.

I have now lost over 20 pounds and I went down two pant sizes. I am happier about my life, my body and myself. And I am ready to share my journey with the world.

What I have uncovered lately that has been really shaking my life up is the emotional connection between food, emotions and life. I recently received my first pay check in a long time. It is more money than I have had in over two years. At first I wanted to go out and buy a bottle or two of wine, some fancy cheese and a big dessert. But then I realized that I really didn't want to eat or drink any of those things. So again I tried to think about what to do to celebrate. It made me realize how all these years I have been lying to myself. I have tied celebrating and happiness with food which is a terrible thing. Why if I am happy about something would I think to put in fat, sugar and other bad things into my body as a way to celebrate? I am just hurting myself in the long run.

Everyday has been a lesson for me and my body. I am looking forward to sharing this journey with my readers. I can't believe how much my mind, my body and my life has transformed since I started to work out. It has changed everything about me and my life. I am coming to a deeper understanding of myself and my body. I am just so happy to finally be getting in touch with myself again. I feel like all that weight blocked me from myself and now slowly I am waking up to myself.

2011 has been such a life affirming and magical year so far. It feels so good to admit these things to the world. I feel lighter and more free! I can't wait to see what happens next but until then I must go running!

2011 is all about ..... pleasure

2011-01-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to think of what my goal is this new year and the only word that seems to sum it up is pleasure!

I intend for this upcoming year to be one where I explore what brings pleasure into my life. This includes snowshoeing, cross country skiing, jogging, time spent with family and friends. Pleasure is having a job I enjoy working at and using my time off to expand my life. Pleasure is balancing my life and emotions so that I can be in a graceful state at all times. Pleasure is traveling and taking good care of my body, mind and spirit. Pleasure is all about love and taking good care of myself and that sometimes includes the word "no". Pleasure is about being as healthy as I can so I can explore more about what I want in life. Pleasure is about being in tuned with my spirit so that I make wise choices.

2011 is all about pleasure!

Times are changing!

2010-12-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

Wow!
After six grueling months of looking for work, I am happy to announce I accepted a position yesterday!!!!

This has been an extremely tough time for me. September and October were very dark periods that I hope never return. Being out of work at this point in time is a very painful, life changing and ego shattering experience. It often felt like a roller coaster ride just trying to keep my head above water and not give up. I had to change my lifestyle, my mental mindset and almost everything else just to survive. It has been tough but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am so grateful for this!

I start my new gig around the first of the year so I get to sit back and enjoy the holidays. I have a couple of weeks to get my life in order and get ready to return to work. I also get to really, truly relax in a way I have not been able too since this summer. I don't have to worry, feel guilty or frustrated. I can spend my time enjoying life, volunteering and making small presents to express to people how grateful I am to have them in my life.

What feels very special about this whole experience is that when I realized I had stopped dreaming and started my new positive dream journal, one of the first entries was about my new job. I described the team, the work I would be doing and the time frame of when this new job would come to me. I really felt connected to this job and knew it would happen. Something in that single action just clicked in my brain and I knew the job was coming my way. I then let it go right after I wrote my journal entry and I focused on just trying to enjoy life. I did not stress when it appeared the time line was getting close. I did not doubt that my dream would not come true. I did not let false pathways get me down.

I did my part of the journal entry. I interviewed. I kept applying for jobs. I met and spoke with everyone I could about my situation. But most importantly I lived life. I spent time with family and friends. I worked out with my dog. I started painting again. I cleaned my room. I cooked dinner. I basically lived my life with the knowledge that the right thing would happen in my job search.
And it did!

It has been a long time since I worked on manifesting positive things in my life. I suffered this summer from a crisis of faith. I struggled to understand what was happening in my life and worked very hard not to be upset about it. I felt so alone and powerless. But today I realized that I faced my crisis of faith and worked through it. Tough times still happen. I had someone crash into my car the other day while I was in it. I broke a crown last night. I still don't have all the answers in my life but I have been able to gain some of my faith back. I have been able to see experience what real joy feels like and I have been able to keep my head above water. These are all wonderful things in life!

Little Miracles

2010-11-13T16:58:00.001-08:00

Small little miracles are starting to add up!

I have made some changes lately in life and within a few weeks I am seeing huge results. I came to realize lately that I was stuck in life. I was stuck in the way I was living, thinking, what I was doing and even what I was writing about. So I decided to make three little changes that have meant the world to me.

1. I started running at night. For all of you that know me, the fact that I can even walk at this time in life is a miracle. So for me to be able to run every night and not have any back pain is truly an amazing miracle! For the first time since I was a teenager I am loving working out. I wake up in the morning and just want to work out. Even if I go out at night with friends I always come home a little early and take the dog out for a run. It has been my form of mediation and I can see the results in my mind and body. I am loving it!

2. I started to dream again. I was so focused on what went wrong in my life with my illness I had completely stopped dreaming of what I wanted to create in life. So I started my dream journal and took to this challenge like a painter to canvas. I put some red over here, some blue over there. I stepped back to see where I am and where I want to go. I realized that I just needed to see my life and my accomplishments in a different light and with a slightly different view and BAM! Life become this beautiful canvas again. I am so happy to be in this wonderful, creative and beautiful space again.

3. I started listening to music that I have never listened to in life. Which in itself does not seem like that big of a deal but it has forced me to go outside of my box and that is where the magic lies. I never liked country music but I have been listening to nothing but country for the last few weeks and I love it. I think because it symbolizes to me that I am working towards changing myself, my thoughts and my life, country music has become this little secret that I love.

With these three actions I feel the tide shifting in my life. I have three very exciting meetings this week with people I consider true hero's. One is a trend expert that travels all over the world and gives lectures about global trends, one is an import-export product development expert that has produced signature lines for all the major companies in this world and one is a social media guru who also throws the most amazing dinner parties. These are all strong women that are doing what they are passionate about and I can't wait to break bread with them and catch up. I have not been able to see any of them since I had my injury and it feels so good to be getting back to networking and hearing about people who do what I one day hope to achieve as well.

Lastly, I stumbled up this amazing blog entry about the changing economy, business world and how do you create meaningful experiences for your customers. This is something that I have been really interested in for the last few years. So many companies portray themselves as being these amazing companies but when scratched at the surfaces it becomes clear they are purely profit driven and willing to treat employees, customers and even the environment like trash. My first hand experiences of this are from major companies that are known globally. It's amazing how imbalanced this world is. I want a forum where people can name these companies and tell the world how truly bad they are. This is not the right place for that but it does make me think a lot about how to succeed in business as not just a company but one that is doing right for all of it's stakeholders. Umair Haque and Frog Design really have touched on a lot of wonderful points that make me excited for the future of business. Let's focus less on profit and more on meaningful impact and social engagement with customers as well as employees. Let's change the world together!

What a wonderful week

2010-10-23T17:21:00.001-07:00

This week turned out to be wonderful! Just a little change in my thinking and starting to dream again, I am turning things around. I can't believe how much the little steps and permission for myself to dream has allowed me to attract so many positive experiences this week.

I went to the University of Washington this week to a lecture about MBA programs and if this is the right next step for me. It was so interesting and being back on the campus felt so good. My senior year in high school allowed for me to do a month's worth of research on the UW campus and I loved it. I walked around the campus a bit before my lecture and saw so many interesting posters of upcoming lectures and past lectures. I was able to look around Paccar hall which is where the Foster School of Business - UW's MBA program is housed and it made me giddy with excitement. I realized that I really want to start working on applying to school. I also learned that I am closer than I realize to being able to apply for an MBA program. I don't have to take as many classes as I thought I would and I was given the information I needed about what classes to take.

Along with my adventures at the UW, I also started my positive dream journal. It felt a little strange at first because instead of recording what was happening in my life, I am recording what I want to create in my life. But this has been one of the best projects I have created for myself. I am able to dream again and my excitement for the future is returning. Life is becoming more of a canvas than a finished piece of art. I enjoy the idea of using the same methods that I built my first company on to build my next adventure in life.

And to top it off I have a very busy and fun weekend planned. Loads of dinners with good friends, parties and snow is even scheduled for the mountains which means my dream of learning to snow shoe is only weeks away! Positive energy is all around me right now and I am looking forward to next week.

What do you want?

2010-10-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent a wonderful day with a friend from the East Coast. She was visiting her family that is in the Northwest and wanted to catch up since I had not see her since I left in June. We worked together and shared a very similar path in the Berkshires. This friend left a few weeks after I did and returned to her home on the East Coast.

Yesterday we sat at looked at the water while we chatted about life. She was just what I needed. The last few weeks have been good but I have also been in a funk. School is going really well and I have my next classes picked out. But in other area's of my life I have just been down. My friend gave me a suggestion on how to approach the day. She made me realize that I was getting lost in the overwhelming big stuff and forgetting about the little things that are more important. She suggested I wake up every morning and think about what I want for that day. Nothing more. Just "what do I want for the day"?

So this morning I woke up and thought about what I wanted for this day. It was easier than I thought it would be and it did bring a level of peace I have not felt in a long time. I have my day planned and I feel good about it. I can now move forward without feeling overwhelmed.

I also realized while talking with my friend that I am not visualizing what I want in life. I used to be so good at thinking things into my life and seeing manifestations all around me. But somehow after being sick and recovering I lost my desire to dream. I lost my creative way. I lost my direction. So starting today when I think of even the smallest desire that I would like to bring into my life I am going to write it down. This will gradually over time provide me with a larger picture of what direction I want to take. It will also provide insight that I may not be seeing into my life. But more importantly it just sounds fun to me. And while being creative with the larger picture things I can keep asking myself.... What do I want with today?

My mind has been exploding

2010-10-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

School has been such a wonderful treat for me. I can already see myself using what I am learning in my everyday experiences. I think about articles I read differently, I look at products and business reports differently, I even watch movies with a different eye. This has been one of the most exciting transitions in my life.

Besides working on creating my next project and school work... I am just taking it easy. I am settling into a new notion of my life post illness and doing the emotional recovery that I had to put off. It has been challenging but necessary. I have a couple of friends that have dealt with serious illness and we talk about when the body begins to recover there is a lag time for the emotional side to recover. Sometimes we joke about starting a support group for lives interrupted by illness. Sometimes we complain about it but mostly we realize that time has become a different measure for us and we move forward gratefully and gracefully. I do wish there was more support for people in this situation. As I get older I witness more and more of my friends that join this group of people. It is not easy to be taken out of the working world and community while trying to return to health. And without a large amount of money in the bank it can become almost impossible for people and their families.

Enough of that. I am healthy and getting back into the world so I should be focusing on having fun. There has been a lot of fun events around town lately. Every weekend has been fun filled these last few weeks. It's been amazing weather and a wonderful dry fall. Perfect weather for having fun!

changing my story

2010-09-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

Wow!
School is really blowing my mind. It has been challenging everything I think about myself and my life. I did have a couple of anxiety attacks at the start of class but then once we got to the open discussion part of class I realized that I need to change my story. I need to embrace this different side of myself. The side of myself that is successful and happy to be doing well in school. I had someone sit next to me and at one point during class tell me he was glad to be sitting next to the smart person in class. This has never been my role in life.

So this week I am working on changing my story. I am challenging myself to do well in school and not worry. I am thinking about what role I play in situations and if this the role I want to play or if there is something better out there for me. My story is in the midst of changing and I am excited to see where it goes.

School starts tomorrow!

2010-09-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

I have had a dream for almost ten years now that I tried to ignore. I waited and hoped it would go away. I told myself a million reasons why I could not go for it. I started my own company in hopes I could get around the dream. I changed jobs, locations, and even most of my life in hopes that this dream would go away.

But alas, the dream has stayed alive and tomorrow marks my first step towards reaching my dream of an MBA. I am nervous, excited an scared all at once. For the most part I hated school. I hated college. I never felt good enough. I never was very interested in the classes. Once I realized that the teachers were going to only teach one way and because I learned a different way, I pretty much just gave up hope. I never thought to challenge myself in area's that might be off my beaten path. I just sort of sailed through the motions of college and got a degree because everyone told me I was too smart not to have one. But then a funny thing happened. Once I was able to breathe and think about what I was really interested I started to yearn to go back to school to study what I wanted to study.

This is a giant step for me. I am not unrealistic in my thinking. I know that due to my learning disabilities I face a harder time in school than most. This is not an easy thing for me to do. My brain works different than most and school has not been very much fun for me. But things are different now. I am different. I have a dream and a passion that will not go away. So tomorrow marks a very important day. Tomorrow is the day that I officially return to school and prove to myself that I can do better this time around.

I am already half way done with my text book for my course. I am starting slow and taking one class at a time to test the waters. I am also working full time so I don't want to do too much in case my spine gives me trouble. So far I am loving my text book and even know some of the people high lighted in the book as business leaders to watch. It has been very exciting for me to return to going to coffee houses to read, study an write. I miss this type of life and I am so happy to return!

Mercury in Retrograde

2010-09-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

This week has been very challenging. Mercury in retrograde is the only thing that I can blame for what happened. I don't much feel like going into it because it was kind of painful but I am now very sensitive to this Mercury business. Plus this Mercury in retrograde was in my birth sign of Virgo and I think this double kicked me in the tush.

I did sign up for my first business class and I am very excited! I also found out that the text book I bought earlier this summer to read for fun is the actual text book I will be using in my class. I am already half way through the book. This has made me feel less scared about starting school again and more inspired. I will have a little bit of an edge and hopefully I won't feel super overwhelmed once class starts.

In my spare time I have been reading Z.B.A - Zen of Business Administration. It has been very inspirational since I am always trying to figure out how to combine my two passions, Business and spiritual matters. It's a great weekend read.

So for now I am preparing to return to school, still catching up with old friends and looking for a new day time gig. I am very happy that fall has arrived since it might be my favorite season. I love the day when I have to bring out my cashmere sweaters and knee socks.

Birthday Celebration!

2010-08-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

This year feels different. I can't quite put my finger on it but I so far I really like the changes.

I finished my intention list and compared to years in the past, I can see how I am evolving. This year my list was calmer, more evolved, more spiritual and I can see myself taking action to become the person I want to be. I hope this makes sense. I am not sure how to describe the changes but I can see them happening.

One exercise I came up with this week was to create a "Surrender Box". In this box I put all the areas and issues I need to surrender in. I am a huge control freak so this has been a good practice for me to learn to let go. Everyday I am surprised and amazed at how issues from my surrender box seem to resolve or change for the better. I am, little by little becoming calmer and less of a control freak. I am allowing changes to happen and I am so grateful for this simple idea. I look forward to opening my box in a few months and being able to take some of the slips of paper out and let them go completely.

I think my intention list reflects this change in my need to control. Instead of a birthday list of things I wanted I made this a birthday list in area's I want to grow and become a better person.

I am getting ready to leave for an evening with close friends in a cozy atmosphere where we will eat, drink and be merry! I am so grateful for all my birthday notes and gifts from loved ones. I have such a rich life and it just keeps getting better every year!

Time for Healing

2010-08-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

These last few weeks have been a great time of healing for me. I have taken inventory of my life, my family and my social life. I have created some intentions for the next year and I have let go of things that are no longer serving me. It has been a very powerful last few weeks.

One thing I intend to do this year is have fun! I am making being active and socializing one of my top priorities. When the company was busy and I was healing there was little time to spend having fun with friends. As I venture back out into the world and start to think about the next thing I realized that I need balance of work and play. There is always more work to do in life but there is not always the chance to have fun. I have learned this the hard way. So this year is going to include having fun, meeting new people, trying new things and spending time with people that make me laugh.

Another intention this year is to open up more. I am guilty of hiding from myself, my family and my friends. This is not a good form of communication and a habit I need to break. I find even when things are going well I am still hiding parts of my myself... Good and bad. So I will slowly work on changing the bad and I will embrace the good! I will embrace my need for knowledge, my interest in business and my desire to exercise more. I will spend time with my girlfriends doing activities that are healthy and fun!

Which leads me to another intention. To keep being physically healthy. This may seem obvious but there are so many pieces of the health puzzle and it takes a while to put them all together. I just want to keep this intention fresh in my mind. It's always good to put it at the top of the list. Even when you are at the healthiest stage.

I am sure I will have more to post as I get closer to my birthday and my yearly reflection - intention creation time. I always have a lot to review every year and this year feels very different and very exciting.

Being back in Seattle has also brought healing to relationships from the old days. I was lucky enough to spend a day with a friend that 12 years ago was my best friend and that also in many ways broke my heart. We have always crossed paths over the last 12 years but never talked about what happened. I finally was able to let her in and let her know what happened on my side. It was such a healing an healthy exchange and now I can't wait for her to visit Seattle. Or.... Move back! I missed her so much over these last 12 years and I will continue to open up to her more. We both felt this was the right time for us to come back together and it was so magical how it happened. I am truly grateful for this summer and all the people that have come back into my life. For the first time in my 30's and I am truly happy to be right where I am at.

Back in the swing of things

2010-07-29T11:22:00.001-07:00

It has been great to be back in this city that inspires me. I have met so many wonderful new people in the last few weeks and the summer is not over yet!

My good friend William has returned to Sweden and there is a hole in Seattle. It was great to have him home and to bring some closure to our friend Shaun's death. I will greatly miss spending my summer days with him.

But in more exciting news I have been meeting new business owners and getting very excited about my next company. This month has included fun talks with the owners of my new favorite place, Redwood . They are as passionate about food, atmosphere and Northern Exposure as I am. I look forward to more trips up the hill for fun discussions. I have also been slowly checking out all the new stores that have opened since I left town. It seems that Seattle has had an exciting last six months.

Made it home

2010-07-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am home and very happy!

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of events. I packed up and left my life on the east coast. It was much needed. I made it to the Midwest where I went for a long weekend with people I care deeply for. It was great to see old friends, see the area where I went to college and just experience an important part of my life. I felt very loved and happy to be returning to old friends. They were just what I needed.

I then returned home to one of the best concerts I have ever seen. Aveo and Carissa's Wierd . The show was filled with old friends, emotional music and just happiness all around. The Aveo set list included a picture of myself and my best friend Shaun. Shaun passed away three years ago and we all felt his presence that night.

Then it was off to world cup fever, parties, dinners and many long walks around this beautiful city. So today I am tired and ready to return to normal life. There is other news to announce but I am so exhausted and it is still in it's early phase so I am not ready to ruin it yet But my heart is filled with love and I am very, very happy.

Action has been taken

2010-06-28T04:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I move to slow. I think about decisions over and over in my mind. I talk with people I admire. I want to see if things are the right thing to do or not. But all this waiting and thinking can take it's toll and sometimes action just needs to be taken. That's what I experienced this week and I feel so much better.

I left my job this weekend and I am packing up to return home. I have enjoyed my time in the Northeast but this is not home for me. I miss Seattle. I miss the Northwest with it's wet weather and all.

On the right path

2010-06-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

For the last six months I have taken a break. I challenge myself to a new town, a new job and a new way of thinking. What's wonderful about this challenge is it has brought me back to my core dream.

I have decided to go back to school! I am now starting to prepare for this journey by buying used text books in the area's I know I want to learn about. When I return to the Northwest I will also be returning back to school to go for my postbac second degree in Business and then it is off for my MBA. This has been a dream of mine for the last ten years but one I did not feel ready for at the time. But after these life changing last few years I now have the confidence and peace of mind to go for it. I do not want to feel like I am wasting what interesting and precious time I have on wishing I could be going back to school and starting my own company again. I want to be out there actively working towards this goal.

I received my first text book yesterday morning and I am already into chapter 4 with a brand new notebook full of notes. I am taking my time reading, digesting the information and really thinking about what I am learning. It felt like Christmas when I opened the shipping box to reveal my shiny slightly used text book. I immediately took the book and my notebook to the coffee house I live above and dove right in. It felt great. I then took myself out to dinner last night and again took my book and notebook and filled my time at mission with studying.

I feel the happiest I have felt in months. My energy is lighter and I am so excited about this new adventure. I know it is the best next step for me. When I return home I will be receiving all my business magazines and newspapers that I used to get and this will make me giddy. I love it when I have a goal. Life suddenly has meaning and a purpose for me.

My other plan for the rest of this year is to take a trip down to Palo Alto to visit Standford and the d. School....... Oh that will just be the icing on the cake but I always loved the icing the best.

I'm back

2010-06-08T06:25:00.001-07:00

It has been a long time!

After taking many months to refresh and return to a balanced state of health, I am back! Sometimes we just need a new place, a few months to clear our heads and a 5 star spa to help us return to sanity. ( I worked at the Spa- I did not stay there)

So I am planning on packing up and moving back to Seattle. I plan on returning to school to start working towards getting my MBA. I am going to return to the tech world and return to my friends. This is the best decision for me at this moment an I am so excited to start the ball in motion. Lately I have been reading a book called The Blushing MBA . I bought this book when I was just starting to realize that I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to try an get an insiders look at what it might be like to return to school and in a field that is so far from where I was in college. While reading this book I realized that the most interesting and exciting parts were the list of classes they got to take while in school. Marketing, product development, brand development, international business, management and team building...etc... I went out and started to ordering some intro used text books to start preparing. I started to look at course descriptions online. I realized that I am really interested in business and I can't wait to get started on this adventure. I will miss the candles but I want to be able to learn to take my next company to the next level and for this I will need more education.

This has all been kind of a mind blowing experience for me since I did not really like school when I was younger. Nor was I very interested in anything that was business related. Or maybe it was just that the schools never realized my natural interests. Every since I was a young kid I always wanted to own a store. I loved the idea of running a little gift shop and always wanted to work for one. I grew up around artists and people that made their living making products. I sold my art at a young age. So maybe this interest has always been there. It's just now starting to take form and I am finally at a place where I have the confidence to act on this dream.

So that's where I have been. I am physically in great shape. I can now exercise and not be in pain. My energy has returned and I am clear headed. I have detoxed all the medications out of my system and I am in a very balanced place. I feel like I have gotten my spark back in life and I am taking good care of myself. It's a great place to be and I am glad I was able to return to this positive place after such a traumatic experience. Sometimes life throws curve balls and it take strength and determination to get through them. But once you are on the other side, there is a place that is better than from where you were. I don't mind that I got sick. I don't mind all the pain and suffering I was in over the last three years because I am excited about the future. I am excited to be healthy and able to be positive about the future again. I am excited to be alive.

Gone Fishing.....

2009-12-27T17:50:00.001-08:00

Taking a much needed break.....

Suddenly Busy

2009-12-14T12:47:00.000-08:00

My days are now all filled up with errands and my nights are booked with goodbye dinners. It is only a few more days until I depart this rainy city. I have been a mixed bag of emotions. One the one hand I am so excited to start a new chapter. On the other hand I get very sad when two really good friends decide to go to Portland instead of joining me in the good bye dinner I had planned for that evening. But then again I am glad to have that time that would have been spent with them to do the 900 other errands I need to get done before I leave.

So I am just going to keep focusing on getting my tasks done and seeing what friends I can see before I leave. Just because my life is changing does not mean that change is happening for everyone. And besides, I will be back to Seattle to visit.

I need to rest

2009-12-10T10:42:00.000-08:00

Since coming back from the East Coast and realizing that I had big changes ahead of me, I have been fighting from becoming sick. I felt like I had a low level cold for weeks but I had several projects I needed to complete before I could give in and get sick. Yesterday marked the largest project being completed and this morning I woke up sick!

I feel icky. I am not yet panicked by the all loose ends I need to complete before I leave but I am still a little bummed I need to rest. However, I have been reading some really amazing blogs out there in cyber space and it is inspiring me. So even if I am sick and stuck in bed, I am still getting really excited about my new life. I can't wait to start this new chapter in life. After so many years of things not working out it is great to have life starting to become brighter, more positive and much more intention filled.

It is now becoming very real

2009-12-09T13:01:00.000-08:00

What once seemed far off and just a dream like situation is now starting to become very real. The studio has officially closed and I am starting to pack up. This whole new adventure is starting to become very real and somewhat scary.

If one year ago someone had told me I would be moving to the Northeast I would have considered them crazy. I have no idea how this all came together but it did. The weather has been very cold in Seattle in preparation for my move. I need to get used to bone cold weather. My back is handling it well. So far so good. I did have to break out the heating pad but that's normal for this time of year.

For the next ten days I will be packing, cleaning and doing all those little errands I need to get done before I leave. Send a prayer out my way that I can get everything done without a total freak out.

So much to be thankful for

2009-11-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning thinking about all the wonderful things I have to be thankful for.

It has been a growth year for me and I have been pushed to places I did not know I could come back from. But I came back and better than ever. I think health issues are one of the scariest issues you can have in life. We take our bodies for granted and when one day something goes horribly wrong, well it is overwhelming and can knock you off your safe pedestal you have built.

One year ago I was afraid I would never walk again. I was looking at a very different life than I had built for myself and I was under crushing medical bills with no future in the workforce. I had spent six months alone in my room and felt very isolated from friends and family. It was scary.

Now flash forward one year. I have the opportunity to move to one of the most beautiful places in the world ( The Berkshires) I will be surrounded by experts in my favorite subjects, the arts, spirituality, foodies, devout yoga followers and handmade craft specialists. I am about to work someplace that will support my health issues and will play a major part in my healing process. And for the first time in 10 years I will get to my own space to live in. I rented an apartment that is all mine. Of course I will have to share it with Ahmi, my trusty puppy of 8 years but she does not share much of an opinion on our living space so I am sure it will be fine. The cats will join us in the summer but for the first six months it will just be Ahmi and myself. Plus I will have good family and friends near by. I will be close to my cousins that helped change the course of my life ten years ago and I am so grateful to be moving close to them again.

I am grateful for all the blessings and healing's I received this year. I am thankful for all the family and support of good friends I had this last year. I am excited for the future and I am blessed for the present moment that I write this, good coffee, a warm house, a nice laptop computer and a wonderful oversize cashmere sweater.

Change is all around me

2009-11-23T10:00:00.001-08:00

After much soul searching, contemplation and discussions with my advisers, I have come to realize that I must close shop for a bit. I will no longer be making candles for Glassy Baby and the intention candles will be on hold while I make my move out East. I have been struggling with this decision and tried my best to keep this from becoming the answer but this is the best decision for where I am at right now. There is a small chance I may make candles for them in their NYC shop but I am still on the fence about that. I will keep you posted.

My intention candles are my passion and I was not giving them the time or respect they deserved. So for now all intention candles will be special order only. I will also need a bit of a break from all candle making while I move out of Washington State. I am returning to the East Coast and very excited to become part of a very exciting community up in the Berkshires.

These have all been hard and painful decisions to make. I adored my time with Glassy Baby and can't wait to see where their success takes them. They are a beautiful company and have been very exciting to work with. But now is the time for me to focus on my intention candles and healing myself.

There is a reason

2009-11-20T06:59:00.001-08:00

The last few years have been tough!

Anyone who has read the blog or knows me would agree with this. However, today I realized that it all makes sense. In so many ways all the hardships I have been dealt have allowed for my dream to come true. As of this morning I accepted an offer with a company that is a dream offer for me. I was not looking for this offer but it found me and it was too good to pass up.

So I am packing up and moving. I am feeling a little overwhelmed since there is so much to do but mostly I am just plain excited. It has been such a hard last few years that I feel like I have won the lottery! To be able to work with a company that supports and encourages my interests is a rare thing. And the fact that they are the leader in that field worldwide is just icing on the cake.

So starting next month I will blog about my adventures in moving to a new part of the country, starting to work in a new place and how putting my health first has proven to be the best thing I have ever done. If it were not for my health crisis and my injury, I would not have gotten to this amazing place in life!

I am not making any more decisions!

2009-10-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I have made a final decision, the Universe changes the game. So for now, I will be making no decisions. I will live in this very fluid area where I have no idea what is going to happen and I will enjoy it.

I put up a blog post last week that I thought was the end of a situation and I had come to peace with my decision but then everything changed on Thursday. I have no idea where the road is trying to lead me nor am I going to continue to try and make sense of it all.

Let's see where this new way of thinking takes me!

PS. When I arrive in Lenox on Wednesday I will post the information about the candle sale up on the blog. I can't wait for my trip!

The Red Book

2009-09-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

After a very exhausting and emotional month I dug out my copy of The Red Book and settled into my couch for an evening of reading. I needed something to connect with after this challenging time. Following your bliss has it's share of trials and lessons that need to be learned and it is hard to ignore these lessons.

But after rereading parts of Sera Beak's book I feel so much better! Sera's book feels like that best friend that makes you feel comfortable with who you are and what you are going through. She tells her story that is so easy to connect with and now I realize that I am not that Island that I have been feeling like all month. I highly recommend this book if you want to understand what following your bliss actually feels like and you need a reminder that it is all part of the path. I admire you Sera Beak!

Today was full of errands that needed to happen for me to make candles next week. I had to pick up wax, oils and order more supplies. I also needed new work out shoes and drooled over some Frye boots while I was at it. Tomorrow is cleaning and preparing my studio for the next month of intense candle making. I even started the ball rolling on getting my packaging designed for my new york sale. Busy bee~

First Day of Fall

2009-09-22T16:47:00.001-07:00

I can not believe it is fall already! For Seattle's first day of fall it is supposed to get as warm as 91 degrees. That does not seem very fall like....

Lately I have been doing a lot of fall cleaning and cleansing, inside and outside. It has been good to shed things in my life that have not been working so well. I finally started to feel the effects today. I am in a much calmer and more peaceful place than I have been in the last few weeks. I am slowing down my mind chatter and getting in touch with my thoughts vs. what others think I should do. It has been a much needed and welcomed change.

I have also been making more intention candles and settling into the art of making intention pillar candles. I even made a new candle that is dedicated to the Goddess Fortuna. I think she deserves an Odessa's Herbals candle. I even learned my first lesson from her while making her a candle. Do not our The Goddess Fortuna a candle in haste. She will cause all the hot wax to leak out and burn your fingers. One must take their time making this candle and it will come out perfectly if you do but working without thought or too quickly and you will be back to square one.

Moving the body

2009-09-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

I tend to think of myself as a person that is in touch with herself. Over the last two months I have been having flashes about going to a gym. I was not a member of a gym but everyday this urge was getting stronger and stronger. So finally this week I signed up! Which I am happy about. What is even better is that these last few weeks have been hard on me. My thoughts are up in the air and I am at a cross roads and not sure which way to turn.

Joining the gym and moving my body has been the best gift I could have given myself while I work through this transition. My spine has responded well to this new part of my physical rehab and I feel stronger than ever.

I am preparing for the New York sale while trying to work through some of my stress. It has been a hard time lately. Even I suffer from worry about the economy, job loss and the fact that I have been unable to work for almost two years. But I just keep my level of gratitude up and keep on going to the gym because after an hour of working out while I am sitting in the steam bath I can feel the stress melting off my shoulders. It is hard to worry while taking good personal care of myself. That is now my number one priority!

Learning to go at a different pace

2009-09-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

For a few weeks recently this lovely animal was living in the park up the street from me. I live in the middle of Seattle but I get giddy over the fact that an animal like this cougar could make it's way to my local park. I am grateful he did not find his way to my animals but I do miss having him in the neighborhood. It was fun to hear of cougar sightings around my hood and it is still unbelievable that some thing this wild would be only two blocks away.

My major lesson this week has revolved around learning to go at Divine pace. I am an impatient person and this has been good in some ways in my past but now it is getting in my way. I need to learn to slow down and let go. Not an easy task for me but I am trying to slow down. This is a different lesson from last year where I needed to learn balance in my life after my illness brought me down. Now I need to learn to go with the flow and not expect miracles in a wink of an eye.

Sometimes the best things in life take time and lessons to manifest. I keep reminding myself this. I live one day at a time but then expect things to happen really fast. There is some middle ground between living one day at a time and looking at time on a larger basis. I just don't know how to see it this way yet.

I am beginning to prepare for the holiday show on the East Coast. It has been a little slow to start since the warm weather in Seattle has caused my candle making process to take about four times longer than in the winter times. I am trying to enjoy the sun but really I am looking forward to cold weather and peaceful candle making.

I made a new candle this week to help a client rekindle the romance in her long term marriage. I can't wait to hear (some) of the details on how it works. I admire that after so many years she still has romance in her marriage as well as partnership.

Holiday orders are coming in

2009-09-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today I started to receive holiday orders and it is going to be a busy next few months! I have so much to do. But I am very excited about this new holiday season and all the work I have to look forward too.

I have been watching Monarch of the Glen while making the tea lights lately. It makes me miss Scotland so much! I am due for a visit to see lovely Iona and my dear friends I have not seen in ages. Maybe after the holiday orders I can plan a trip overseas. Of course by then I will have new product development to sink my teeth into.

After a lovely week long birthday celebration I have finally hit my energy wall. I am exhausted but in a good way. I am going to take this weekend off to end my birthday celebration with family at my Aunts house. Then it is back to candle making!

Feeling the LOVE!

2009-08-27T15:21:00.001-07:00

Today is my birthday!

Last year at this time I wrote about how due to my illness I finally had to let go and allow people to help me and throw me a birthday bash. After years of throwing my own party and feeling like I needed to do all the work, I suddenly realized in one of my darkest periods that I needed to allow the love and abundance to come to me. For all the manifesting work I do, sometimes I can be stubborn and insist on doing all the work. But I have realized over the last year that the Universe wants to do more work and wants me to do less work on manifesting and intention work. So I am practicing allowing myself to receive and not be in constant work mode.

Well I am happy to say that this birthday has been one wonderful moment after another. I could not have asked for a better day than today! I have been truly blessed by all the birthday love, phone calls, gifts, flowers and kind words I have experienced today. I woke up this morning at the time of my birth and make an intention for the up coming year. I intend for this next year to be one of the best years of my life.

I spent the morning writing and setting intentions for the up coming year. I went to a very cozy book store / cafe and just allowed myself the time and space to do what ever I wanted with the rest of the day. I had a wonderful tarot reading from my soul sister Rose who is my very good psychic friend. She confirmed all the thoughts and intentions I set this morning without even realizing what I had put on my list. It gave me the warm and fuzzes. I am not resting before dinner with my wonderful aunties and then off to cocktails with two of my best girlfriends from middle school! We have not see each other in over 15 years and yet, out of the blue both ladies contacted me and asked what I was doing this evening. It is a mini reunion and I could not have asked for a better day to see everyone.

One final note, last night I was talking with my father about what my life was like this time last year. I could barely walk and thought I might be permanently disabled. I was either asleep or crying most of the time and I was scared about my future. Deep down all I could think or feel was that I just wanted to get better so I could make candles. This motivated me every moment while I was in rehab and trying to walk again. To see where I am now as compared to last year all I can think is how grateful I am to be alive and healthy. I still have spine issues that are going to be with me for the rest of my life. But I just am grateful for what health I have been able to work on bringing back and I feel better than I have in a long time. I truly believe that one part miracle, one part gratitude and one part hard work has saved my life and allowed me to continue to make my candles and bring joy into this world.

Keep Calm

2009-08-14T13:25:00.001-07:00

This is my new theme. I bought this poster a few weeks ago and I have it up at my studio. I love looking at it if I am stressed or just as a reminder that I should keep on being happy! Pressure Press in my new hero. These posters come in wonderful colors and look as good in person as they do in their photographs. I bought the orange one but am thinking about getting a few more in various colors.

Today I attempted to get to my studio which is normally a 15 minute drive but after an hour I gave up. Working in the industrial area I see a lot of trucks. I am ok with trucks but if you add all the people who took a Friday off work, over sized trucks with giant yachts on them and cement trucks, plus all the people going from Lake Washington to the Puget Sound. Well what was once a 15 min drive took well over an hour. So I am back home and taking care of myself in other ways. I am having a cup of tea and cleaning my room. This actually makes me happier than if I was at the studio so it all balances out.

This morning I had coffee with a very dear friend of mine, Jennifer Worick. It has been ages since I last saw her and it was wonderful to catch with her life. She is finishing up a craft book that will have a project that she designed with Odessa's Herbals help. My first shout out in a book! I love it. I will keep everyone posted when the book is published.

I have been planning my road trip route to New York for next month. I have started to stock pile supplies and prepare for making candles in a new place. I will be taking my time to drive out there since I already have a long list of friends I want to visit with between Seattle and New York! I am so excited to open up my East Coast Store and start meeting with new clients.

Could not have asked for a better weekend!

2009-08-03T21:18:00.001-07:00

This weekend was pure heaven! I spent Saturday at my favorite place on Earth. My adopted aunt Reni's house. (see above photo's)
I grew up going to her house as a child and loved it. The best part about this weekend was that she had bought another house, her weekend home, and it was right on the sound. Hence the photo of the dog in front of the water. So we went from one house to the beach house where we spent the day swimming in the Sound, drinking cocktails on her porch and just laughing. The dog in the above photo is not Ahmi but Reni's border collie Tess.

It was so great to visit and even better to go swimming. I even got cold and had to wear a hoodie later in the day! The heat wave that hit last week has just finally started to end. It is still hot but nothing like last week. I used to pride myself on being really pale but this year I am tan. It is a little bit of a shock every time I look in the mirror but I would rather spend time outside walking than being bed ridden again!

Speaking of my health, everything is GREAT! I am off all nerve medications and pain killers. I am able to do 10 hour days again and the best part? My life is truly in balance for once. I can't remember being this happy in a long time. I am truly happy and everyday something magical and exciting happens! I work, I spend time taking care of myself, I spend time with loved ones and I get to decide what I do each and everyday. My body is growing stronger everyday and I am able to return to a more normal life with every week. I feel like I am glowing from love for life. So cheesy yet so true!

I am starting to prepare for the Holiday orders which came in last week and I will be very busy this fall!

Heat Wave 09

2009-07-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

It is HOT!

In Seattle we broke an all time record this week, 104! This has been a great experience for me. At first I was very cranky at the heat but as the temperature started rising I decided to just embrace the heat. I realized that I have been in hotter situations so decided to take this opportunity to just enjoy my time off. It has been too hot to make candles so I have been visiting with friends, going places that I have always wanted to go but never had the time, I have been reading and writing in my journal and drinking loads of water. Once I decided to stop being annoyed by the heat and enjoy myself, the heat stopped bothering me.

So even though it has been a record breaking heat wave, I have managed to have fun and enjoy my mini vacation!

My plans to open the East Coast office of Odessa's Herbals has been delayed slightly. My candles orders are increasing and I am realizing that I need a little more time to prepare for the big adventure! It will happen it just looks like it will happen a little later than I originally thought.

Of course more candle orders is a great reason to delay the road trip so I can't complain.

New energy

2009-07-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

What felt like just a small idea with no answers has now turned into a the perfect idea where all the questions are being answered without any energy on my part. My move is quickly coming together and in a very easy manner.

This week I found out that I will have my first candle show at the end of October in Lenox, Massachusetts. I also just found out today that one of my largest customers is expanding into NYC this year. This is so great because I can deliver candles to the East Coast location along with delivering candles when I come home to Seattle every few months. I had been a little worried about the logistics of keeping my customers happy in Seattle while I expanded onto the East Coast. I have been watching all the little things coming together and this move feels very right!

I have started to plan my road trip out east. I am hoping to see friends I have not seen in years while enjoying across America. I will have my lovely dog with me so I am looking forward to stopping at all the small towns while letting Ahmi enjoy the various smells of this country. And then to get to NY right when the leaves start changing and I can pull out my Cashmere sweaters and start to prepare for the winter season.

I also can't wait to see all my friends that will be within a couple of hours to my new home. Friends from high school, college and beyond are all starting to come back and it feels so good to talk to everyone again. In fact one of my good friends who lived on the Isle of Iona in Scotland when I lived there just contacted me via Facebook! I can't wait to hear from her and find out what I missed out on 16 years later.

I have a new beginnings candle that I made when I first learned that I had the chance to move East. This candle has taken all the issues that I thought were holding me back and allowed them to clear up in a very positive way for me. I can't tell you how amazing this candle has been in cleaning up negative fears and replacing them with exciting opportunities. I highly recommend this candle and can tell you all about the wonderful new beginnings that are starting for me!

It's a small and wonderful world!

2009-07-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

A few months ago when I was visiting the East Coast, my aunt and I went into a Borders books to find something to read. Whenever I travel I always bring at least three books but since I had just come off some of my heavy medications I under estimated how many books I would need while I vacation. Some vacations I come away with 10 books under my belt.

Anyways, I picked out a few books and saw this little gem as I started to walk out of the bookstore. I ended up buying it and LOVED it. Gumbo Tales by Sara Roahen. I noticed in the book that the author mentioned going to the same college that my sister went too. I forgot to mention it to my sister but ended up bringing the book over to her house one day to read. It turns out that the author and my sister are really good friends. My sister was so excited that I had bought the book and loved it. She had never mentioned this book to me ever so imagine how much it made me to smile knowing that my book purchase was so closely connected to my favorite person in the word. I am so happy I bought the book and now I can't wait to visit New Orleans! Maybe I can even get Sara to give me a little tour of her favorite things! Sometimes the world truly feels like a small place and there are so many connections out there to be found!

I have my craft show set up in the Berkshires for October 31st, 2009. I will provide more information as we get closer to the date. I can't wait for this show. It is going to take place in a giant mansion and will include some of the top crafts people in the Northeast. So it looks like I will arrive at my new apartment/ studio and go straight to work. I am not complaining at all. I love the idea of unpacking and starting my northeast adventure.

Also I wanted to give a heads up to all the Glassy Baby fans out there. There is a new location that is opening up this weekend in Bellevue, Washington. I must make it out to see the new shop before I leave town. I will still be making their candles so don't worry. I will be flying back to Seattle ever few months to complete their orders. It is going to be exciting to watch them grow!

Starting to pack up!

2009-07-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend I gave notice on my studio!

It was a hard thing for me to do. There is some fear with this decision and I almost deleted the email before sending it but then I realized that I needed to do this. I need to move for a little while. I need to shake my life up as the final part of my rehab as I continue to get better. So not only have I given notice on my studio and started to pack, I am also no longer on any of the medications I had to take over the last year for pain! After a year of being on heavy medication I am finally starting to feel like myself again. It feels so good to be back to my old self.

I had so many wonderful conversations with old friends this weekend and I actually took Saturday off to just hang with some girlfriends. It felt so relaxing to just be present with my friends and not worry about pain or being sick. I laughed, we walked, we listened to music really loud and I smiled. These are all things I have not been able to do in a long time. I have now told all my friends about my departure and I am starting to work on bringing my energy towards the goal of having a success move.

I will be making candles for the next month and then there will be a three week window when Odessa's Herbals will be closed as I relocate. Sometimes when I think about moving I can't believe that I am actually doing it. I have wanted a change for so long and now..... It is happening and it is a very positive and wonderful direction for me.

Change is coming.....

2009-07-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

A very exciting opportunity has presented itself to me and I have decided to take the leap!

Last week I was in North Carolina for my family reunion at the beach. This year there was only 77 of us, which is a small number for us. The week consists of swimming, visiting with loved ones and enjoying the heat of the South. I had so much fun and was able to relax which is a must needed feeling. Life has been very busy since my sister announced she was moving in April and I needed to help her prepare for the move. So not only have I been making candles and helping a family take care of their new baby, I have also been helping my sister take care of my nephew while trying to heal from my spine injury. Phew! It has been busy.... I am excited for my sisters move, I will miss her and my nephew but it is also very exciting since she just got a kick ass job at a certain computer company that shares a name with a piece of fruit. Yep, she is a mover and shaker. So a week at the beach was a much needed resting and relaxing vacation after months of working long days and helping many people. While at the beach the universe decided to offer me a new pathway in life.

As many of you know, this last year has been very tough on me. My physical illness kept me bed ridden for much of last year and week by week I have been working to get my normal life back on track. This has been an emotional experience on top of a already mounting amount of life lessons and lately I have just wanted to take a sabbatical from it all. Well last week I was presented with an option that feels so right to me. I am moving back East for a while to finish up my physical rehabilitation while growing my candle company and being closer to many important people in my life.

I am still working on the details but all I can say right now is that I am overjoyed with this new change! I can't wait to get into my car with Ahmi and drive to a new place. I love Seattle with all my heart but I need a serious break. I don't know if it because I associate Seattle with my spine injury and illness or what but it is time for me to leave. My energy has been stagnant here and I am the first to admit it. So right now I am keeping Oddessa's Herbals open in Seattle and will return every other month to complete orders for Glassy Baby but the head quarters of my operation will be located on the Eastern side of this country for the next year. Then.... Who knows what will happen!

I will be in the Northwest for the next two months packing and getting my affairs in order. I will also have my studio until September 1st so if there is anyone that has always wanted to visit but never did... Now is the time! I will be having a couple of candle sales before I leave and will be donating candles to local organizations before I leave. I will keep everyone updated on these events and will announce my departure date when I get closer to the day.

Anoher Month!

2009-06-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

I can not believe how fast life is flying by. I have been so busy and I feel so bad for not updating the blog more. I have been making candles full time for the last few weeks as I prepare for another trip back east. This trip is for my family reunion. There are almost 100 of us and we meet every two years in North Carolina for a week at the beach. I can't wait to see all my cousins and bake in the warm sun!

Speaking of the warm sun, Seattle had a heat wave last week and except for making it hard to make my candles, I loved it! It is turning into a great tomato growing summer. My heirlooms are blooming and almost ready to produce little tomatoes. My back has been very happy with the warm weather and I even have a slight tan from all my walks.

So for the next month or so I will be in and out of this blog. I need to prepare for my vacation and then I will be away for two weeks. I will have loads of pictures to share when I return.

I am well

2009-05-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry friends that it has been so long since I last posted. It has been a whirlwind of excitement around these parts lately. I had a wonderful trip back East! My back was able to make it and I felt almost no pain. I got to see so many wonderful family members and was able to experience Virginia in the Spring. It has been too long since I was in Virginia. I went to the most amazing Spa and even saw the new Star Trek movie! I went to two different old time blue grass music shows and spent a lot of time catching up with the family.

I am now back in the swing of candle making mode. Glassy Baby has been ordering up a storm lately and I could not be happier. I also have been helping some people take care of their infant baby and just adore spending time with this little gem. So to sum up my life right now... It is busy!

I have come to realize lately that I need a new intention list. I feel sort of stuck in some ways because my illness pushed me off the path that I was on. So I have been taking time to figure out what I want to do.... This has been a long process. When I have things a little more settled I will share with everyone but for right now I am in planning mode!

Northern Exposure is the Cure

2009-04-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

Last night I had one of my rough nights. I usually wake up around 1 am and stay awake until 7 or so. I am exhausted and in pain but can not sleep. Usually these nights the only thing besides pain pills that will soothe me is Northern Exposure. I can listen to this show for hours with my eyes closed, contemplating life, my injury and Joseph Campbell. (last night episode was a discussion of the hero archetype)

So while I was awake last night I started to search the Internet about my favorite show. I am a major fan and most of the information I already know but last night I stumbled onto something new. I found out about a musician who became seriously ill and heartbroken. He retreated to Wisconsin to recover and one of the things that brought him out of his illness was Northern Exposure. He ended up naming his band after a saying from one of the shows, Bon Iver . I have never heard his music but hearing about someone who has been touched by this show in a dark period in their life made my heart flutter. Here is another person that took the dark journey of the soul, found Northern Exposure and was able to translate it into a new path in life. Also, having lived in rural Wisconsin myself during my early 20's I of course loved the fact that he watched this show while living in his father's remote cabin in Northern Wisconsin!

I hope to one day to meet Justin and be able to express to him how Northern Exposure helped me while I was bed ridden for a year and also suffering from a broken heart the year before that. It has been my lifeline in so many ways and I am so excited to hear of other creative people that are as moved by the characters, story and just overall sense of community that was developed in this show. Plus in my fantasy life, Justin will turn out to be as interesting as Chris in the morning. ( but alas, I know this may not be true!)

But I will just settle to at least meet another Northern Exposure fan who can tell me about their impressions and favorite episodes!

Booked a flight back East

2009-04-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

I just booked my first flight back to the East Coast since my injury! I am so excited to get out of town for a few days and see my family. I have been craving Virginia and the summertime green for the last few months and I can't wait to experience it.

I am a little worried about the trip and the flight but I just need to remember to take it slow. Everyday will be a challenge but I just keep reminding myself to cut it down to one or two activities a day and I should be ok. If I try to do too much I will hurt myself but if I take it slow then I should not feel any different than when I am at home.

I have two things planned already. First my Aunt and older cousins and I are going to go the World Spa. It is a Korean day spa like the one we have in Seattle, Olympus Spa. I can't wait to experience a new spa! Then on Saturday I will be going to a bluegrass showcase with my stepfather. I am also hoping that we will have a BBQ on Sunday for all my cousins that live in the town I am going to visit. So that's pretty much my whole vacation already planned. I have one day on each end of the trip to rest and as long as I don't fall in the shower again.... I should be good to go.
This weekend has been a wonderful warm spring weekend! I spent yesterday afternoon with Ahmi at the dog beach in north Seattle. Today I read a book with the animals on the porch. Tomorrow it is back to candle making and Dr appointments but for this evening I can relax a little.

Painful realization

2009-04-01T09:32:00.001-07:00

What happens when you have lost faith in someone you love?

I am suffering from this dilemma currently. It is a family relation and feels so much more painful than anything I have ever experienced before. I know I must speak my truth about the situation but right now, I am unable to speak. I am taking time and really working on understanding my feelings. This situation runs so much deeper than just the surface decision that was made. This situation has pierced me to the core of what I thought was a blood bond that would never be broken. And yet, six years later.... I am in pieces and have no more to give. I tried to remain quiet and helped as much as I could but in the end I have ignored myself and suffered from my own actions.

I have been very busy in the studio making candles and just being compassionate towards myself. I read Alice Hoffman's book "The Third Angel" . It was beautiful. I was not able to related it to my current situation and it was not as magic filled as some of her past books but I cherished it and stayed up one night reading it all night long. I am about to start "The Laws of Harmony" by Judith Ryan Hendricks.

One interesting note is that Blue Herons have come into my life in a way that has never happened before. They are every where I look lately. From books to car rides to the park up the street from my house. I am working on trying to understand why this animal that has never been around me before has suddenly appeared in the last week more than it ever has in my whole life.

Books always heal the pain

2009-03-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

This week has been a roller coaster.
My road trip was wonderful! I really enjoyed all the time we spent at various spa's over the weekend and I feel healthier than I have in a long time. The first day we spent almost 4 hours sitting in hot salt water pools that were located outside while looking at the mountains. My skin still feels amazing! We ate veggies and hummus and I had an intense fruit drink with cactus and mint. The rest of the weekend stayed on pretty much the same high note with the best part of the weekend being visiting with our high school English teachers that now live in Ellensburg. I love this family so much and in many ways it was like a family reunion. I can't wait to go back and visit with them soon. It's amazing how important people from this era of your life turn out to be in who you develop into. I have so much to thank these two for.

But then I returned home to some news that still has me crying. I am not allowed to talk about it yet but let's just say.... My heart has never hurt this much in my entire life. I spent all day today in a daze of tears, stomach aches, headaches mixed with fear and sadness. Just when I was finally starting to feel better and think that life may return to normal. I know this is just another life test/ lesson but come on..... I feel like I have had enough lessons for awhile!

So in many ways I feel like now I am back to the drawing board in life. I am trying so hard to stay in the present moment because this is where my sadness is in a dosage I can handle but it's still hard. I spent the day in the studio making tea lights for Glassy Baby and just focusing on candle making. Trying to think of nothing else but candle making. And then I went to the bookstore and found two new books that warmed my heart. Both are works of fiction and as soon as I am done I will tell everyone about them. But until then I will be making candles and trying to soothe my heart in books. I hope to find some life lessons amongst the words and stories. We shall see......

Getting Ready

2009-03-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy last few days. I stopped taking my nerve blocker medication this week and so far things are returning back to normal. The pain has not returned and I am starting to feel like my old self. My energy level is returning everyday little by little and my brain is starting to clear up. Turns out that you need nerve signals if you want to think, move or I don't know... Do anything besides sleep. I am just so happy to have energy again and feel excited about the future.

I am preparing for my spa weekend and today I have a million things to do! I made this plan over a month ago and now I am a mixed bag of excitement. One the on hand I can't wait to get out of town but on the other hand, I feel like I am still recovering and leaving town might make me exhausted. But I have a friend going with me who can drive a little bit of the way and a spa weekend is supposed to be relaxing right?

Last night my friend Adam took with me to screen the new movie "I Love You, Man". What a hilarious movie! I loved it. It was much funnier than the last few Paul Rudd movies. I laugh all the time in life but rarely at movies. If I laugh at something it has to be really funny and let me tell you what.... I laughed at this movie over 7 times which might be a record. I love to laugh and find life really funny. People that can make me laugh have my heart for life. The other great part of last night was the fact that I was able to sit for two hours. This is the longest stretch of time that I have sat down in almost a year. Today I am just a little sore but nothing compared to what I experienced in the past. So life is returning to normal and I am so grateful for my health, my life and this world.

Spring Cleaning!

2009-03-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

Another round of spring cleaning today! The sun is out and the windows are open for now. Of course it has been very cold here but at least the sun is out and spring is just around the corner.

Besides cleaning my house, I am working on spring cleaning my intentions and thoughts. Now that most of my pain is gone and my health is returning I am working on trying to figure out what to do next in life. Maybe move to the country or the east coast? Maybe stay in Seattle but look for a house? Maybe move to the desert? All I know is that my old life and they way I used to do things are now over. I must live a very different life and I am still not sure what that life looks like. So until I have a clue I will just keep cleaning my studio and cleaning my space. I will clean my life out emotionally and physically and just keep working towards the next phase in life.

I have a long weekend of candle making and I am really looking forward to my warm studio!

Boys do cry

2009-03-09T10:45:00.002-07:00

Many, many years ago I put up a poster that I thought was beautiful. Actually it was the poster above. I was a teenager and emotions were everywhere. I had this poster on my wall until today. Today I realized what a sad and depressing poster this truly is. Men and boys do cry and that's OK with me. I think it is important for men to feel emotions. Plus, here is a poster of a man with his back towards the camera that is alone. This are all feelings and statements that I no longer share with this poster. I do not want my back to be towards the world nor do I want to be alone. I want to live in a much warmer and more welcoming world that this poster represents.

So today I took down the poster. I am going to start looking for photographs to replace it. My family has been posting wonderful pictures of all our reunions on facebook so maybe I will print some of those out and place them on my walls. I have also been journeying into treasure maps so I will post some of those on my walls again. Change is in the air and I am excited to start releasing the past and living in the moment.

This present moment is no longer about standing with my back to the world and people. It is about opening my arms and welcoming in love and peace.