I want to tell you something

So far 2011 has been amazing, fulfilling and just plain great!
I love my new job. I have this great group of coworkers and I even adore my manger. I am working in a department that is geared towards younger, more creative types so I fit right in. I love that you can hear people laughing while they work. We have a lot of work on a daily basis and some days there is stress but for the most part everyone is in a good mood and it is just fun to go there during the week.

But there is something that I want to share with my blog readers that has been on my mind for a long time. Before when I used my blog as a place for my company I tried not to get super personal because it was all about my candles. But now this blog has turned back into a place where I can share what is going on in my life and I am ready to admit something.

For the last ten years of my life I have been very overweight. It has been a struggle for me. For the longest time I never wanted to talk about or admit that my weight had gotten out of hand. I literally thought that I had no idea how it had happened, I could not understand why I kept gaining weight. I lived with my head in the ground and just pretended or ignored that my body was becoming so unhealthy. One of the hardest things about my back injury was the doctor telling me that I had to lose weight and I was obese. This made me so angry. I thought how dare he say something like that when I am hurt and so weak.

After my spine injury I started making very small changes while again ignoring what needed to happen. I needed to become real about the fact that I had to lose weight. I have a long road ahead of me and for the longest time I thought I had to go about this alone. But then something changed this fall and now I am ready to talk about it.

Sometime starting in September I began to have the desire to go jogging. This is something I have never felt. I hated exercising and moving. It hurt and I was always too tired to do it. But slowly this desire to start running was getting louder. I would constantly tell myself I could not do it because of my back, even though I had no idea if this was true or not. But around the same time that I started to change the way I was thinking I decided to also start jogging. At first I could not make it to the end of the block. But I did enjoy the way I felt after that first day. So I went out the next night as well. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I can't believe how much these little steps have changed my life. I am now up to a mile at a time of running and hoping to increase this to 5 by this summer.

I think what helped this awakening was being so poor I could not go out at night. I could not distract or excuse myself from working out because I simple had nothing else to do with myself. Over time I started waking up excited to be able to work out at night. I thought about it all day. I felt so good and alive after my run that I wanted to do nothing but work out. It has become a good obsession.

My body did not change much at first, infact I did not lose any weight. I did notice my pants getting a little bit bigger but nothing noticeable. As I kept up running I started to take small steps to change my eating habits. I drank more water. I started eating dinner earlier and then eating nothing after 8 pm. I stopped craving junk food and started to notice how what I put into my body would affect how much I could run at night or how well I felt physically the next day.

Last month I started getting serious about really changing my eating habits. I lost weight over the holidays and now I want to lose more and I am finally started to see the connection between food and weight. I started to notice that when I eat any form of junk food it makes my stomach hurt and I just feel terrible. I have been thinking about going RAW for a month long trial to see how my body will do. I have been more open to healthier foods and trying new things out.

I have now lost over 20 pounds and I went down two pant sizes. I am happier about my life, my body and myself. And I am ready to share my journey with the world.

What I have uncovered lately that has been really shaking my life up is the emotional connection between food, emotions and life. I recently received my first pay check in a long time. It is more money than I have had in over two years. At first I wanted to go out and buy a bottle or two of wine, some fancy cheese and a big dessert. But then I realized that I really didn't want to eat or drink any of those things. So again I tried to think about what to do to celebrate. It made me realize how all these years I have been lying to myself. I have tied celebrating and happiness with food which is a terrible thing. Why if I am happy about something would I think to put in fat, sugar and other bad things into my body as a way to celebrate? I am just hurting myself in the long run.

Everyday has been a lesson for me and my body. I am looking forward to sharing this journey with my readers. I can't believe how much my mind, my body and my life has transformed since I started to work out. It has changed everything about me and my life. I am coming to a deeper understanding of myself and my body. I am just so happy to finally be getting in touch with myself again. I feel like all that weight blocked me from myself and now slowly I am waking up to myself.

2011 has been such a life affirming and magical year so far. It feels so good to admit these things to the world. I feel lighter and more free! I can't wait to see what happens next but until then I must go running!

2011 is all about ..... pleasure

I have been trying to think of what my goal is this new year and the only word that seems to sum it up is pleasure!

I intend for this upcoming year to be one where I explore what brings pleasure into my life. This includes snowshoeing, cross country skiing, jogging, time spent with family and friends. Pleasure is having a job I enjoy working at and using my time off to expand my life. Pleasure is balancing my life and emotions so that I can be in a graceful state at all times. Pleasure is traveling and taking good care of my body, mind and spirit. Pleasure is all about love and taking good care of myself and that sometimes includes the word "no". Pleasure is about being as healthy as I can so I can explore more about what I want in life. Pleasure is about being in tuned with my spirit so that I make wise choices.

2011 is all about pleasure!