What I want

What I want....

What I want is to be with someone that truly cares from day one.  That takes me into consideration from day one and is always thoughtful towards me and my heart.   Someone that has my best interests in mind always and is not driven purely by their own agenda.


Just to balance the day out.

How I would describe my life right now

My good friend in LA just asked me to describe my life to her at this moment in time and all I could say was,

" You know that movie Amelie?  Well it's like that movie. But all of it.  The music, the colors, the textures,  the feelings, the magical small moments in time.  Everything.  On a daily basis. "

And that truly sums up my life right now. It's beautiful.  Perfect for me.

Peaceful Holiday

I read a quote this weekend from the Desire Map that blew me away

We create wellness or dysfunction in our lives by how we go about getting our needs met.  Pg. 58 The Desire Map

I have been turning this quote over in my mind over the last few days in Joy.   I no longer have dysfunction in my life, just wellness but it explains so much of my past.  And brings  Joy and understanding to how I navigated my youth and why.  

I spent the long weekend in peace.  I did not make many plans because I just wanted to be present with myself.  I am working on some writing projects and I wanted to spend my weekend exactly how I wanted to spend it.   It was the best weekend I have had in a long time.  I feel refreshed and centered. 

2015 marks a turning point for me in so many ways.  I can feel this big change happening and I have no idea how to explain it.  It’s like nothing I have ever felt in my life.  The only other time I felt close to this way was when I moved to NYC at 21.  Life is about to change in a very big way and I am so ready for this change.  It has already started.  The closer I get to 2015 the further away from the mess and darkness I feel.  I am excited to see what will happen.  

So far the change has included:

-          A loss of 30 pounds

-          A cozy new home

-          Blonde hair

-          A sense of peace and confidence 

Turning Over A New Leaf

After a tough year, I am finding feeling some relief!

I am so happy to be in this new energy!!!!

I am waking up happy and grateful for the first time in a long time.  My new condo is finally feeling like a home.   I love waking up in the morning to my own space and coming home in the evening to a cozy space with some of my favorite photographs on the wall.  I love my beautiful deck that is full of plants and trees.  I love how quiet and warm my new home is and how it is all me.  It smells like me.  It feels like me. 

My job is even for now.  It’s not my dream job but it is providing for me at the moment and is allowing me to get to the next level in my career and for that I am grateful.  I created a marketing piece last month that had the best results of all the campaigns my group did in the last year.  So for now, I am ok.

Most importantly, I am happy with where I am in my emotional and spiritual state.  I have had ups and downs over the last year but every time I go down, I come back in a higher place.  I am getting better about weathering the storms of life and moving forward.  I am so  happy and grateful for where I am in life.  My heart is full of love and gratitude for so much lately.  It feels really good to be right here, right now.  I know from my last astrology reading that the worst of things is over for a while and I am turning over a new life in all the areas of my life.   I have a lot of really positive changes coming up starting in 2015.   I suffered a lot from 2003 to 2014 and now it’s time to party!    I could not be more happy and ready to embrace this new side of my life.  I am ready to shine.  I am ready to step into a new life and a new way of living, one that will aligned with my authentic self. 

My heart has been having some little pains and emotional cords over all my ex’s this week.  I know these are the final cords being cut so it’s a positive thing.  It’s a mix of sadness, fondness, missing these people and the feeling of completion.   These people were important and they all taught me so many lessons.  And I loved all of them so much.  But it’s time for something new and I am ready.   The space has been made and I am no longer available for any of these people other than just a memory.   I know I will hear from all of them again at some point in my life.  But I have had all the closure with each of them I needed.   I am ready for my new and better thing.  And it’s coming!!!!

Clearing Out Unwanted Energy

I am in the process of deleting my relationship history from social media.  It’s time and it’s the right thing to do.   I have been holding onto these virtual memories for too long and I know it’s been part of what’s keeping me stuck in emotional pain.   It feels weird to be able to erase history like deleting a facebook email chain that lasts years and that shows a love grow and then die. But you know what?  In the end, it doesn’t really mean anything more than, I experience something that I no longer wish to remember.   I have my journals if I want to remember my side. I have some memories but I have already started deleting his photographs.   And I am just now starting to realize how truly bad this person was for me.   Narcissist does not even begin to describe this person.

I feel free to look towards the future.  I feel free to dream again.   I feel free to be me and change.

I did have a couple of new people come into my life recently.  It’s like the universe is testing me big time.  One is someone I have known for years, am wildly attracted too but is also very different than myself and slightly living on the edge.   The other person is quiet, funny and someone I work near.  He is younger but also fun and fairly conservative.   With him it would be a real relationship.  With the person I have known for a long time it would be a good time.  I don’t know what to do with either of these men.   

Frankly, I don’t think I will do anything with either of them because right now I am just enjoying where I am at.  I am living alone in this amazing condo.   I finally figured out what was wrong with me health wise and my body is responding wonderfully to treatment.  I am down 3 clothing sizes and starting to look like myself again.   I am looking for a job that is in better alignment with who I am and I am not worried about finding one.   I am feeling secure for the first time in many years.   And I am doing it all on my own.    

The wild man came over to my apartment a few weeks ago and it was nice but he also made a few weird moves that in the end were just not the right moves if he wants to be with someone like me.  It’s sad but true.  I suspect what he did works for the kind of women he is used to dealing with but that’s just not how I do thing.  There is a magic to my life.   And it’s not something that I want to share with just anyone anymore.  He nicely taught me this over the last week or so.  

It feels good to be so protective over myself and my heart.   I don’t want to be closed down, I just want to be selective.  Wild men can exit out the door.  Nice men are allowed as long as they prove themselves and take it slow.   No more rushing into things anymore.  It’s all about intention and living the life I want and sharing it with people that I adore.

Moving!

I am moving on Friday to my new place!

I can't wait!!!!!

New Energy - New Year - New Theme

The greatest love of all is SELF LOVE!

This year already feels different.

I am deep down happy.

I am happy to be alive.  I am happy to be in my job.  I am happy to be living in this wonderful city. I am grateful for my past and excited about my future.  I am happy, present and full of love.

My birthday was a pretty normal day but it truly wasn't.  It was the first time in a long time I truly owned the day.  I let people celebrate me.  I let people take me out to lunch and wish me a happy birthday which in the past I would have hide the fact it was my birthday.  I owned that it was my day and that I deserved a little attention.   I am stepping into myself and my life in a way I have never done before.   I am letting myself take up space and it feels so good.  I feel that I deserve to be treated well and owning the fact that this treatment starts with me.  So this next year of my life is all about me treating myself the best way I can and from this, people will treat me differently.

I also know that my life is changing on so many levels.   I have finally discovered the root of many of my health issues and I am 2 weeks into my treatment.  I am coming back to my healthy self!  This summer was really hard.  I struggled with everything because my health was in such decline. But I am back and better than ever.   I am not going to be able to heal my issues right away but I can slowly work towards a happy healthy point and get the worst of my condition under control.

I am also just feeling so strong emotionally.   I am free of all emotional sadness around my past.   This is powerful.  I am excited for my future.  I love my past and and my journey but what I love the most is where I am right now.  It's a beautiful place to be.  I am successful.  I am manifesting my dreams.  I am moving into a dream home. I am buying a new car soon.  I am taking dream vacations.  I am saving money for my future. I am taking care of myself and my family.   I am living my dreams.
I just want to state the to the universe that I am grateful for everything!  And that I am bringing the Queen back!

New Moon

Today mark a powerful new moon in Virgo.

I am spending the day trying to get clear of what I want in life and in my work life.   I am also approaching my birthday and starting to think about  the last year and  how I have changed and grown.  It’s been a very painful year.   This statement about sums up how my last year has been.  Painful Growth.   But with painful growth comes true change and closer.   If it was not painful, I would not have been able to walk away otherwise.   

So here I sit on the new moon before my birthday and I am starting to think about what changes I want to create in my life.   I want to set my intentions around a couple of core places.

Health – I intend for this new year to be a healthy year.  I intend for my body to start to match my energy level and for me to be seen as a healthy and beautiful fit lady.   I intend to continue on my quest to become the healthiest version of myself that I can be and to keep eating healthy, working out and putting my self care first.  I love this strong and soon to be fit body and I look forward to seeing the changes that will happen as I continue to nurture myself.

Work – I intend to create an easy and successful transition to being self-employed one day.   I intend for my current job to remain stable as I start to build my next company.  I intend for this transition to happen so easy that when I leave my current position, I will be able to keep my current salary level or increase it by making the move.   I also intend to create a clear and successful path back into the video game world.  I miss the video game industry every day and would like to go back into this area while I start to grow my own company.  While I am in my current situation, I intend to create a happy, healthy and successful situation while I am here.   This is very important.  I must focus on my current situation until I can make my move.

Home – I intend for my new home to be a healing and positive place for everyone that enters my space.  I intend for this place to be my sanctuary. 

Love life – I intend to continue on my path towards meeting my person.  I have such a clear version of this person and our relationship.  I know what his energy feels like and I know this will be a lifelong love. Until I meet this person, I will continue on my quest for self-love and self-discovery.   And I will have more fun in life!  This year I have not focused enough on having fun.  This is something that needs to change!    I am actually feeling really powerful and settled in this area.  Once I meet my person, marriage and a baby are soon after.

I keep thinking back about my 5 year plan I came up with 2 years ago.

Year 1 – school for marketing management

Year 2 – Go FTE

Year 3 – new home and car

Year 4 – meet my person

Year 5 – marriage and a baby

I am hitting year 3 and everything is happening so fast!   I will forever create 5 year plans because they happen.  It’s a magical way to set your intentions.  

Happy new moon to everyone!  Let’s make this a special year!!!!

So Grateful

This morning I woke up grateful. 

I have so much to be thankful for in my current life and I need to take the time to remember this.  My health is in good shape thanks to the years of dedication I have spent taking care of myself.   My job is hard but so important to my growth.   I am growing every day in this job.  Sometimes growth is hard and I am pushed to my limits but overall, this is a great place for me to be at the moment.

I am also grateful for all the growth and change that has happened over the few years as I have learn to love myself and accept who I am.  I am living at a level of peace I never knew possible.  No one told me as I was growing up that at some point in my life I would be able to create my dreams and that I would be able to love myself for exactly who I am.  Yet these are exactly the lesson I have learned over the last few years of my life.   These lessons have come with some level of pain and sadness but overall I am so grateful for getting to this place of comfort and ease. 

The other thing I am grateful for is my level of faith.  This level has grown as I have let go of trying to control, understand or dictate what should be happening in my life.  I am now just letting go and letting the universe show me what is next in this journey.   This single action has helped me to become more grateful because I am starting to see the divine work in real time.  People are coming into my life for a reason and leaving for a reason and I am no longer beating myself up for these goodbyes.   I am grateful for these goodbyes because I have also learned that better things are on their way.  

One thing I am super excited for is that I move into my new apartment in less than 1 month.   I am excited, fearful, nervous and relieved.   I can’t wait to get into my own space and just settle into this new phase in my life.   I am excited to see how my life changes by this single action.   I am starting to see how stale my energy has been in the last few years because the Universe has been waiting for me to make this move but I was fighting it this whole time.  Not anymore.  It’s now time for me to change and grow even more.   2014 has been this huge growth year for me.  It has not been gentle but has come suddenly and swiftly.  It is truly the year of the horse for me!  Swift, powerful but also majestic.

Soon I will be hosting dinner parties in my new space, sitting on my comfy new furniture and sitting on my large deck enjoying an evening drink with a good friend.  I will be making candles and potions in my kitchen and really returning to myself in the comfort of my own space.