Books always heal the pain

This week has been a roller coaster.
My road trip was wonderful! I really enjoyed all the time we spent at various spa's over the weekend and I feel healthier than I have in a long time. The first day we spent almost 4 hours sitting in hot salt water pools that were located outside while looking at the mountains. My skin still feels amazing! We ate veggies and hummus and I had an intense fruit drink with cactus and mint. The rest of the weekend stayed on pretty much the same high note with the best part of the weekend being visiting with our high school English teachers that now live in Ellensburg. I love this family so much and in many ways it was like a family reunion. I can't wait to go back and visit with them soon. It's amazing how important people from this era of your life turn out to be in who you develop into. I have so much to thank these two for.

But then I returned home to some news that still has me crying. I am not allowed to talk about it yet but let's just say.... My heart has never hurt this much in my entire life. I spent all day today in a daze of tears, stomach aches, headaches mixed with fear and sadness. Just when I was finally starting to feel better and think that life may return to normal. I know this is just another life test/ lesson but come on..... I feel like I have had enough lessons for awhile!

So in many ways I feel like now I am back to the drawing board in life. I am trying so hard to stay in the present moment because this is where my sadness is in a dosage I can handle but it's still hard. I spent the day in the studio making tea lights for Glassy Baby and just focusing on candle making. Trying to think of nothing else but candle making. And then I went to the bookstore and found two new books that warmed my heart. Both are works of fiction and as soon as I am done I will tell everyone about them. But until then I will be making candles and trying to soothe my heart in books. I hope to find some life lessons amongst the words and stories. We shall see......

Getting Ready

It has been a busy last few days. I stopped taking my nerve blocker medication this week and so far things are returning back to normal. The pain has not returned and I am starting to feel like my old self. My energy level is returning everyday little by little and my brain is starting to clear up. Turns out that you need nerve signals if you want to think, move or I don't know... Do anything besides sleep. I am just so happy to have energy again and feel excited about the future.

I am preparing for my spa weekend and today I have a million things to do! I made this plan over a month ago and now I am a mixed bag of excitement. One the on hand I can't wait to get out of town but on the other hand, I feel like I am still recovering and leaving town might make me exhausted. But I have a friend going with me who can drive a little bit of the way and a spa weekend is supposed to be relaxing right?

Last night my friend Adam took with me to screen the new movie "I Love You, Man". What a hilarious movie! I loved it. It was much funnier than the last few Paul Rudd movies. I laugh all the time in life but rarely at movies. If I laugh at something it has to be really funny and let me tell you what.... I laughed at this movie over 7 times which might be a record. I love to laugh and find life really funny. People that can make me laugh have my heart for life. The other great part of last night was the fact that I was able to sit for two hours. This is the longest stretch of time that I have sat down in almost a year. Today I am just a little sore but nothing compared to what I experienced in the past. So life is returning to normal and I am so grateful for my health, my life and this world.

Spring Cleaning!

Another round of spring cleaning today! The sun is out and the windows are open for now. Of course it has been very cold here but at least the sun is out and spring is just around the corner.

Besides cleaning my house, I am working on spring cleaning my intentions and thoughts. Now that most of my pain is gone and my health is returning I am working on trying to figure out what to do next in life. Maybe move to the country or the east coast? Maybe stay in Seattle but look for a house? Maybe move to the desert? All I know is that my old life and they way I used to do things are now over. I must live a very different life and I am still not sure what that life looks like. So until I have a clue I will just keep cleaning my studio and cleaning my space. I will clean my life out emotionally and physically and just keep working towards the next phase in life.

I have a long weekend of candle making and I am really looking forward to my warm studio!

Boys do cry

Many, many years ago I put up a poster that I thought was beautiful. Actually it was the poster above. I was a teenager and emotions were everywhere. I had this poster on my wall until today. Today I realized what a sad and depressing poster this truly is. Men and boys do cry and that's OK with me. I think it is important for men to feel emotions. Plus, here is a poster of a man with his back towards the camera that is alone. This are all feelings and statements that I no longer share with this poster. I do not want my back to be towards the world nor do I want to be alone. I want to live in a much warmer and more welcoming world that this poster represents.

So today I took down the poster. I am going to start looking for photographs to replace it. My family has been posting wonderful pictures of all our reunions on facebook so maybe I will print some of those out and place them on my walls. I have also been journeying into treasure maps so I will post some of those on my walls again. Change is in the air and I am excited to start releasing the past and living in the moment.

This present moment is no longer about standing with my back to the world and people. It is about opening my arms and welcoming in love and peace.

Forever learning

Just when my brain starts to wake up my body will start to shut down. I feel like I am forever learning and just spinning around and around. Lessons are long and painful right now. I must live a slower life than this big city will allow. Do I really need to be going out all the time or is it just my ego that demands all that activity? And why has my ego been punishing me lately for trying to heal?

Lately it has been a struggle but when I really start to think about slowing down and just being present in the moment... I am filled with calm. So I guess I do not have much choice but to keep going at a very slow pace and just start to ignore my ego.

I am off on a road trip in a few weeks. It will be a very short road trip but since it is the first time in almost a year that I have left Seattle, I am excited! I can not provide the details since my traveling partner does not know what I have planned but let me just say that I should return super relaxed and very happy!

In other good news I have been creating new candles and experimenting with new colors. I created an attraction candle, a positive money energy candle, a center candle and many more! I am very excited to be creating new candles.

So this week I am in battle with my ego and trying to understand how to balance all of the desires I have.