Trying to stay present

Today is just one of those days where I want to be present but I simply can’t get my mind to function properly.   I am trying to work but my mind is being distracted by every shiny thing around me.   If I did not have a day job I would be spending time in the sauna, walking in the woods, writing letters to friends and just relaxing.  But I do have a day job so not being able to get anything done is frustrating.  

I have been in this brain fog for a while now.  I think it’s partly because of all the changes I have been dealing with the last six months and partly it stems from the car accident I was in last year, I have just been off.

But my sadness that I felt earlier this week has started to go away and I realized that I need to learn to distinguish between exhaustion and sadness.  Because I am starting to think that exhaustion might translate in my  world as sadness.  

One thing I am excited about is to start a cleanse using a protein drink.  I know it sounds crazy but I have a couple of well-respected people in my world that have used this plan and lost weight.   I want to lean out and lose weight but something in my system is off.  I am hoping this month long plan will help.   I am 6 days in and so far it’s going ok.  I have not stepped on a scale yet so I won’t know the true number but I am more aware of what food I am eating and my cravings for unhealthy food are decreasing.  I am snacking less and focusing on clean meals more.   Fingers crossed that this program will help me because I am slightly frustrated at the moment.   I hit some sort of plateau and it’s annoying.

I am spending tonight hanging out with a new friend and playing video games while snuggling.  This makes me very happy!

Calm after the storm

Sometimes I just have days where I want to cry.   Today is one of those days.  Nothing has happened to cause me to feel this way, it’s just that the last year has been extremely hard on me.  I was forced to release and walk away from a lot of people, places and things.  It has been a very hard and trans-formative year.   I had to embrace a lot of change about who I am at the core level and I had to become that change to survive. 

And I did all this alone. 

I don’t normally mind being single.  It allows me to create the life I want from the ground up.  Right now the life I want is to live in the city, work a kick ass job in marketing and take care of myself while climbing the corporate ladder.   But in 10 years from now the life I want will be living in the country with my partner, on a farm and creating our world together.  Or it will be me living in the country alone creating the life I want.  Either way, there will be change and I am working towards it.   

But last night I pushed myself to exhaustion at the gym and I became sad.   It probably has to do with exhaustion from the gym, stress from work and the fact that I am in the midst of making new friends that connect with my new life.   I fell into bed after the gym and just felt a lot of feelings all at once.   

Today I am still feeling those feelings at work and it’s hard.   I want to be happy again like I was 2 years ago.  I want to wake up every morning excited and happy for my day to start.   I want to feel love in my life and new beginnings not what I am feeling now which is a lot of endings.

I know this is a natural process but it’s hard!

And sometimes I just need a hug.