Sometimes the Shadow Needs to Come Out

Yesterday I had a realization that has left me spinning in a good way. 

Sometimes the shadow needs to come out.

For so many years I have refused to pay attention to the negative side or the shadow side because I only wanted to pay attention to the positive side of things.  I wanted my energy to go towards what I wanted to attract or manifest in life.  And in most area's of my life this was working but in certain area's of my life, I found myself repeating patterns.  I have been sitting with myself over the last year questioning why I can't break these patterns.  Why it's been years and I keep having the same underlying issue come up.   Yesterday it hit me.  By refusing to state what I don't want in my life, by refusing to state all the awful situations I have been dealt, I was giving these situations more energy than I realized.   I was constantly fighting myself trying to ignore these issues.   I was working hard to hide them thus giving them energy versus just to admit to them and release them.

This realization hit me so hard.  I could see a direct energy connection to all these negative patterns and why I kept repeating them.   It was a direct energy suck.   I immediately created a releasing ritual and finally did what I should have done years ago.   I wrote 4 pages of what I didn't want anymore.  I wrote down everything!  I wrote down what I don't want to be attracted too, what I don't want to put up with, what I don't want to be involved in.  I was so open and honest with myself.  I used all my past relationships as guides of what I do not want anymore.   I then burned the list and prayed to be released from all of these patterns.   They no longer serve me. 

I can feel the shift today.   When I start to think about men from my past or people in my current life that are from this old negative view of what I deserve, I remind myself that this is the old pattern that I am finally giving attention too and I immediately release the attachment.  By refusing to give it attention for so many years I kept recreating this mess until I finally was strong enough to say, enough is enough.   I deserve more.   I deserve more. 

Sometimes you have to shine light into the shadow world to clean it out and realize it is not scary.  That there are lessons in the underworld that you need to learn before you can shift.  And once you shine the light into this space, it no longer has power or hold over you.  It suddenly starts to die in the light and makes room for what you do want.  

2015 is all about Love, Abundance and Freedom

I accepted a new job offer this week back at my old company and gave notice at my current job. 

I am thrilled.

I have not been this relaxed, grateful and peaceful in a long time.  I will not be returning to the video game industry just yet but at least I am returning to a company I know I like working for.   And a bonus treat is I now get to work from home on Monday's and Friday's which mean I have the time and space to focus on self care and life coach classes.  And I got a raise in the middle of this.  More money, less stress and a manager that doesn't scream at me.

2015 is going to be truly life changing! 

Growth

Growth is good                

This weekend I spent time with a friend that is having some anxiety issues.  I was telling her about when I used to have really bad  anxiety attacks when I was in my old relationship and what the attacks would be like.  I went through the whole brain thought pattern I would have and all the feelings and questions I would have.  She was shocked that I would beat myself up so horribly when I was having a panic attack. 

I went silent for a moment and even I was shocked at what was coming out of mouth.  It was awful what I would put myself through and not something I would ever think about myself today.

I have started to question if these thoughts were even my own thoughts or if these were the thoughts that the toxic people in my life had about me.   My ex never really liked me.  He would say he did but his actions and words proved otherwise.  At that age, I was not strong enough to leave him and part of me also believed that I deserved the abuse but then suddenly there would be times where I knew he  was wrong and my life in general was wrong.  I would suddenly start questioning why I was living the way I was living and it would turn me upside down.  I can’t imagine having an attack like this now because I am so happy and living the exact life I have always wanted.    Plus, I am strong enough to leave toxic people behind.  Remembering how abusive these relationship were and how abusive my friendships were with other people at this time in my life makes me sad for that lost child I was in college and in my 20’s.     

I am so grateful that I am strong enough to not let people like this into my world anymore.  I am so grateful that I never think these type of thoughts about myself anymore nor do I abuse myself anymore.  I am even grateful that there was a part of my soul crying for help in the form of massive panic attacks screaming for me to realize that what was happening in my life was wrong.  I am sorry it took me so long to wake up to that voice but I am so glad she never went away.  I loved my ex so much back then and always hoped he would love me back.  I now realize that he was so sick and unhappy with himself that it was not possible for him to love anyone in his life at that point, not even himself.   I am grateful that I woke up one day and decided to change myself and my life and that I had the courage to do it.

That life feels like a million miles away and not something I think about very often.   It’s strange because I have such warm and loving thoughts about my first relationship. I always tell people I would get back together with my first love in a heartbeat.  There was such love between us.  But with my second relationship, I just don’t allow my thoughts to go there.  It’s not something I think about.  It’s not something I want to go back too.  It’s not something I am proud of or want to revisit.  Maybe one day this will be different.  But for right now, the past is just left in the past.  I am at peace with it.  I just choose not to feel anything about the relationship or our past.   I did exchange an email with this ex around the holidays when he reached out for the first time since our breakup.  I honestly never thought I would ever hear from him again.  I ended my email back to him with “ Take care of yourself and just know there is a lot of love for you still in my heart”.  That is true.  There is love for this person and the life experience we had together.  But from a distance and a source that I do not visit often.  

Life is too good to live in the past.  Life is too wonderful to feel bad anymore.  I am so happy and grateful for everything that has happened to me because it made me who I am.  I would never give any of my past up because I finally love who I am.  I just want to focus on the positive and my life in the present because it’s so perfect and beautiful right now.