Symbiotic

This weekend was intense and so very powerful.  I can barely speak today as I am still swirling from my time  with master mentor and coach Jen L. from the East Coast.  We had so many moments where magic showed itself.  From Owls singing to me as I built my threshold altar after Jen mentioned sometimes she could hear owls but not often, to me writing things in my journal that she said to me in the exact same way 1 hour later, to her reading me a poem that she has been obsessed with for 3 days that related to my journey.  She kept saying she could not figure out why she was so obsessed with the poem and suddenly it all made sense.   I had been sharing my magic with her before I even arrived to the Island. 
Every time we turned around there were moments that were beautiful and perfect.

She heard my big dream and knows it is going to manifest.  She can she see it as clearly as I can.  She also witnessed all my fears and we released them.

Today I am Bone Tired.  So tired I can't even talk.   I feel like I ran a marathon this weekend.  I wish I could just sit at the beach in silence and journal because I discovered so much about myself, my heart and my journey this weekend. 

The Threshold has been crossed.
I am no longer the same.
I left my old journey behind and I stand here in a new place.

I am so ready for this BIG DREAM.

Cup of Tea and A Magical Island Adventure

With the new moon and eclipse happening this week, I can feel myself crossing over a threshold of sorts.  I am entering into a new phase in my life and the universe is throwing doors open for me and welcoming me to my life's purpose and path.  I feel like pinching myself everyday.

While there is a large part of me that is excited about what's happening, it's also exhausting.  I made the decision to clean my life and energy field out.  It's been clearing up quickly and lessons have been coming fast.  I am lucky in that I know what's happening so I am not fighting any of these amazing changes.   I am allowing for these big life changes to happen and I am grateful for them but geez, I could use a week at the beach to just recharge.  This has been the most exhausting work I have ever done.

On the other hand, doors are flying open and I am being invited to meet the top of the top in the industry I am about to enter.  People are entering into my life and inviting me to work with them in a way that I have never experienced.  My life is seriously on the verge of change in the best way.  My dreams are quickly becoming reality.  It almost feels like I can't dream fast enough to keep up with how much stuff is manifesting right now.

I had the best massage the other day from someone new.  She said to me early on, "You are like a seed about to burst with new life".   I can feel it.   I said, that's funny because I am about to start a small new little company.  She said "Nothing is going to be small about this company.  It's going to be way bigger and more amazing than you even realize".   I almost started crying with excitement and fear.

I am ready to walk the path that I know I should be walking.  I am ready for my dreams to become reality.  I am so ready to launch this baby into the world.

I am preparing for a magical adventure this weekend on one of our local island with a very powerful lady from the East Coast.  She has been preparing for our session all week.  I can't wait to see what kind of magic we can do together!   I have stones, candles, oils, flowers and herbs all ready to take with me.   I am ready to cross my threshold and enter into something new.  

What I want

What I want....

What I want is to be with someone that truly cares from day one.  That takes me into consideration from day one and is always thoughtful towards me and my heart.   Someone that has my best interests in mind always and is not driven purely by their own agenda.


Just to balance the day out.

Needing To Hear Something, Even If It Is Not What I Want To Hear

This weekend was magical in every way possible.   I was feeling very neutral about Valentine’s day which is the best place for me to be about this holiday.  I have never been with someone that has wanted to celebrate this holiday.  I am not huge into the holiday but as I get older I have come to realize that it’s not even about this holiday.  It’s about being with someone that wants to celebrate our relationship.  I have never been with a partner that has been thoughtful enough to realize how special our relationship is/was until it’s too late.   So Valentine’s day always has been a bit of a double edge sword for me.  

This year I decided to give myself the weekend I deserve.   I was going to be my own valentine!  

It started on Friday when I decided to work from home and relax.  I lit my candles and got cozy in my home.   Then in the afternoon I took myself to the spa for some much needed attention.  I got all the beauty treatments I have been delaying as I changed jobs.   It felt so good!   I then went to my special doc and found out that I have lost even more weight.  I now weight the lowest I have weighed since I was in my early 20s.   I am still in shock that one simple medical condition could have caused years of pain and suffering.   As long as I am losing I will stay on my treatment and just see what happens.  I feel great and I am so happy to be returning into my body that feels like a true reflection of who I am!

Then Saturday morning I went to my hair stylists and changed up my look.   I have returned to being a brunette.  I love it!  Being blonde was fun but brown is what feels right.   I ran errands and took myself out and met up with some special friends.   I wore my cashmere poncho and my sunglasses and met the most handsome man in the world.  It was a brief encounter but reminded me how great this city can be.  A handsome man wearing a green lantern shirt on a sunny Seattle day.

Sunday morning I had a call with my magic coach that rocked my world.  This is where I needed to hear things even if they are not what I wanted to hear.   I have my next move in my career coming to me.  I can clearly see it and I am ready to take the leap but she said it’s not time.  I can do it but not without the one ingredient I am missing at the moment, it won’t be as powerful and I know deep down she is right.   This missing ingredient will require me to sit in transformation magic which is a quiet, dark  and mysterious magic.  It’s not manifesting magic.  It’s the opposite.  It’s the magic that happens when you totally let go and just do nothing.   It’s the hardest magic for someone like me to do.   And this is exactly why I have to do at this moment in time.  

So here I sit.  It will be hard not to do magic because at this point even just thinking about things seems to be causing magic to happen.  Which means I have to clear my mind of the topic.  Ugh!  Not an easy thing for me to do.  But what my coach said feels so right and so true.  I could start my new path but it won’t be as powerful and beautiful without this missing piece.  So I let go and I let the magic happen.

One interesting thing that happened over this Valentines weekend was someone from my past that I am not friends with on Facebook liked some of my photos.  In the past this would have caused me to break down and cry and probably throw up.  The love and pain I had with this person was so strong and intense.  And yet now…. I don’t know what or how I feel now.   

I didn’t respond.  It was strange timing.
It was an odd move considering my page is private and we are not friends in Facebook land or real life.   This person left my life and we have had almost no contact for over 5 years.   This person did serious damage to our relationship and to any future relationship we could have.  However, there is this part of my heart that feels like, if this person has truly changed.  Maybe.  

Maybe there is a chance they have actually grown in a way that could mean something?
But I am not a back-up plan.   I am not a trip down memory lane freak out on valentine’s day.   I am so much more than that and I require so much more than before.  This person would need to do some serious soul searching on their side to think about who I am now and who I have become since we parted.  Have they have become a person worthy of being in my life since we were last around each other?  Are they living a life that makes them worthy of being the kind of person that deserves to be in my life now?  Maybe? But they would need to make it known and they would need to do the work to tell and show me.  

Magic is the fact I let this whole situation happen and I didn’t respond or let it hurt me.  But I also let my heart stay open to let magic do what it needs to do because there always is that maybe.  Maybe this person is something to me that is more than just a dark memory?  I don’t know and that’s the point.  I have to just sit with the nothing. 

Admitting MyTruth

Thanks to my work with the Magic 17 Devotion group, I have finally started to admit to my truth in a safe place.  I have admitted to bits and pieces of it on my blog but I have never fully owned it in a public way because for some reason I am scared to own it.  

Why?

What is it about my truth that I am so afraid of?  Why would admitting to the world that I believe in and practice magic on a daily basis be such a scary thing?  Why is admitting that this is something I have been doing my whole life be so hard for me?  Ever since I was a child I have had personal truths around magic and a way of living in magic that were not taught to me.  It was just something I knew.  I was born with it.  I hid it for a long time out of embarrassment and shame.  I found mentors when I was a teenager but then late puberty hit and I discovered boys that not only did not believe in magic but actively made fun of it.  And when faced with believing in my own power or giving it away, I gave it away.  I reclaimed it for a bit between relationships but again, gave it up for another person.  The pattern continued.  Each time I gave away this power, I felt a little piece of my soul floating away but not my whole soul. My magical soul has always been there and will always be here.

I now want to claim this truth and go public with it in a big way.  I want to integrate the magic into my whole life because I can’t keep living two separate lives.  I can’t have this amazing magical life hidden away when I am single that disappears once I get into a relationship.  And I can’t date someone that can’t handle the fact that I can speak my dreams into reality and watch them manifest before my eyes.  I can’t deny the fact that I can create magic very easily and do so a daily basis.  It’s doesn’t feel right anymore to hide.  I no longer fear for my safety or need to be hidden when it comes to magic.   I want to share with the world everything I know and I want to help others find that magic in themselves because we all have it.   We all have access to it.  We all can create magic in our lives and we should.  Nothing feels better than living a magical life. 

I promise you.  

Nothing feels better than living a peaceful, spiritual and magical life.

Sometimes the Shadow Needs to Come Out

Yesterday I had a realization that has left me spinning in a good way. 

Sometimes the shadow needs to come out.

For so many years I have refused to pay attention to the negative side or the shadow side because I only wanted to pay attention to the positive side of things.  I wanted my energy to go towards what I wanted to attract or manifest in life.  And in most area's of my life this was working but in certain area's of my life, I found myself repeating patterns.  I have been sitting with myself over the last year questioning why I can't break these patterns.  Why it's been years and I keep having the same underlying issue come up.   Yesterday it hit me.  By refusing to state what I don't want in my life, by refusing to state all the awful situations I have been dealt, I was giving these situations more energy than I realized.   I was constantly fighting myself trying to ignore these issues.   I was working hard to hide them thus giving them energy versus just to admit to them and release them.

This realization hit me so hard.  I could see a direct energy connection to all these negative patterns and why I kept repeating them.   It was a direct energy suck.   I immediately created a releasing ritual and finally did what I should have done years ago.   I wrote 4 pages of what I didn't want anymore.  I wrote down everything!  I wrote down what I don't want to be attracted too, what I don't want to put up with, what I don't want to be involved in.  I was so open and honest with myself.  I used all my past relationships as guides of what I do not want anymore.   I then burned the list and prayed to be released from all of these patterns.   They no longer serve me. 

I can feel the shift today.   When I start to think about men from my past or people in my current life that are from this old negative view of what I deserve, I remind myself that this is the old pattern that I am finally giving attention too and I immediately release the attachment.  By refusing to give it attention for so many years I kept recreating this mess until I finally was strong enough to say, enough is enough.   I deserve more.   I deserve more. 

Sometimes you have to shine light into the shadow world to clean it out and realize it is not scary.  That there are lessons in the underworld that you need to learn before you can shift.  And once you shine the light into this space, it no longer has power or hold over you.  It suddenly starts to die in the light and makes room for what you do want.  

I am so blessed

I am so blessed......

This is the statement that keeps running through my head as I sit on my comfy couch, in my beautiful home and have the space to work, take care of myself and balance both sides of my brain.

I have been running around this week struggling.  I have been getting over the flu, feeling cranky towards anything that has been in my way and just feeling overburdened by life. Plus, I have been lonely because having the flu meant I did not leave my home for over a week.  So it's been tough but today I was able to have a call with Rachael my Magic Coach and it turned all my thoughts and feelings around.
I am not cranky because I am sick.  I am not overburdened by life.
I am feeling growing pains because for the first time ever in my life, my emotional barriers that I put up to protect myself from other people, no longer serve me.   Once I realized that my short temper was really not a short temper but was my soul wanting some time and reflection, I was able to come back to center and feel balance.

So much is changing in my world and it's so exciting but it's also scary and strange.   I don't quite know how to share everything yet other than I am peeling away layers of unnecessary stuff in my life to bring my true self to the surface.  I am doing this with a group of women via the internet. I am doing it by creating art and intention products again. I am doing it by writing. I am doing it by spending time alone. I am doing it by spending time with people.  I am doing it by taking care of my body and keeping my home clean.  I am doing it by realizing that I deserve better in life and I no longer want to put myself down.  I am doing this by admitting that I am more scared than I have ever been about my future because it is changing in such a huge way and I have no idea what it will look like. 

One of my amazing new friends just started a self love journey that speaks to me.  Mandy opened a wound in me last night when she admitted issues around her body and wanting to feel good about her self.  I saw myself in her admission and thought long and hard about her words.  While I am not sure I can do a 30 day journey right now, I did decide with Rachael that I am going to do a 17 day fun journey because more than anything in life, right now I need FUN! 

So tonight my fun will include a delicious dinner with my favorite person in this world, my nephew!  And possible fro-yo afterwards.   Then tomorrow my fun is going to include buying some new plates for my intention candles and altar I am building along with new pieces for my art project.   And then of course Sunday is my favorite day of the year. 

Sometimes It's The Little Things

The last two weeks have been all about the little things in life.   I am slowing down in general and able to finally enjoy life again.  I am starting to understand that for me right now it's the little moments in life that are creating magic.

I am working on a new project for a wall in my house and as I go deeper into the process the happier I become.   I have been soaking the thread in magical oils before I string the beads on.  Each strand has a different intention or story woven into them.  The project is far from complete but it's getting closer to what I want it to look like.  I am going to branch out and try new beads and colors once I complete this wall.  I have this feeling that this project is going to become bigger than I realize.  There is something powerful cooking inside me. 

Sometimes I wonder what my neighbors think of me when I open the door to my home.  The scents must fill the hallways when I walk by.   I have so many magical oil projects happenings right now that my home must just breathe beautiful scents.   From the outside my little home looks like a normal place but once you walk into my area, it becomes a different story.   I know this because everyone that comes over remarks about it.  It feels different than any place people have ever been before.

I am so excited for 2015.  Everything is different.  I am different yet I am the same person I was at 17 before my barriers went up and I shut down.  I am returning to myself.   I am wiser, calmer and more focused.  I do not want to lose myself this time.  I am working hard to keep the beautiful vision of my life in balance with where life takes me.  This time around I know I will be able to keep both visions alive and combine them.  Yes, it is possible to be that magical and powerful woman and be in love with someone else with whom I share a life with.  I don't have to give up my power to my partner this time around.  I can still focus on creating for myself and growing my world.   

It feels right this time around.

Heathly Decisions

Leaving my old job was one of the healthiest decisions I have ever made.

This was my first week at the new job but back to my old company and it was a homecoming I did not expect and one I needed so badly.  I received hugs everywhere I went and  had to make promises never to leave again.   Mind you, this company is one of the largest companies in the world.  But because of my job level and departments, I always work with  many different departments and this leads me to know a lot of people at the company.
I had such a relaxing first week at the new job.  I love my new team and already see where I can make a difference.   Plus, I now have the time and space to focus on my outside work interests.  I have my life back!

I have been working on a new art project for my home.  It's the first art project I have worked on since I stopped making candles. And it's the first home art project I have worked on since 2003 or 2004.  I forgot how much I need creative projects in my life.   I am not done with this piece yet as I want it to be perfect and it's not there yet.  A few more tweaks and it should be close.  It's beautiful, simple, warm and elegant.

I am also working a lot with this energy of the healthy girl style.  What does this mean to me?  It has been rolling around in my head for a couple of years.  I know it's the start of my new project, I am just getting started on what this will look like.

I know this much.... Leaving my dysfunctional job for a better job was Healthy Girl Style!
I did it before the old job could completely ruin me.  I did it before I lost all confidence and acted out.  I did it without letting my life fall apart.  I did it in a way that I owned every step of the process and I was in the power role.

I am ready to take this energy to  my other areas in life.  What will Healthy Girl Style look like when it comes to love, to health, to owning my own business, to my bigger home?  What will it look like in my 40's, my 50's, my 60's?  Once I come to understand what this Healthy girl inside of me looks like and who she is, she will forever be with me.  Healthy Girl Style starts when we are born and never goes away, no matter how old we are.  She is the one that knows us the best throughout our lives.  She is also quiet and will wait for you to be ready for her because once you do, your dreams will come true with power.