Needing To Hear Something, Even If It Is Not What I Want To Hear

This weekend was magical in every way possible.   I was feeling very neutral about Valentine’s day which is the best place for me to be about this holiday.  I have never been with someone that has wanted to celebrate this holiday.  I am not huge into the holiday but as I get older I have come to realize that it’s not even about this holiday.  It’s about being with someone that wants to celebrate our relationship.  I have never been with a partner that has been thoughtful enough to realize how special our relationship is/was until it’s too late.   So Valentine’s day always has been a bit of a double edge sword for me.  

This year I decided to give myself the weekend I deserve.   I was going to be my own valentine!  

It started on Friday when I decided to work from home and relax.  I lit my candles and got cozy in my home.   Then in the afternoon I took myself to the spa for some much needed attention.  I got all the beauty treatments I have been delaying as I changed jobs.   It felt so good!   I then went to my special doc and found out that I have lost even more weight.  I now weight the lowest I have weighed since I was in my early 20s.   I am still in shock that one simple medical condition could have caused years of pain and suffering.   As long as I am losing I will stay on my treatment and just see what happens.  I feel great and I am so happy to be returning into my body that feels like a true reflection of who I am!

Then Saturday morning I went to my hair stylists and changed up my look.   I have returned to being a brunette.  I love it!  Being blonde was fun but brown is what feels right.   I ran errands and took myself out and met up with some special friends.   I wore my cashmere poncho and my sunglasses and met the most handsome man in the world.  It was a brief encounter but reminded me how great this city can be.  A handsome man wearing a green lantern shirt on a sunny Seattle day.

Sunday morning I had a call with my magic coach that rocked my world.  This is where I needed to hear things even if they are not what I wanted to hear.   I have my next move in my career coming to me.  I can clearly see it and I am ready to take the leap but she said it’s not time.  I can do it but not without the one ingredient I am missing at the moment, it won’t be as powerful and I know deep down she is right.   This missing ingredient will require me to sit in transformation magic which is a quiet, dark  and mysterious magic.  It’s not manifesting magic.  It’s the opposite.  It’s the magic that happens when you totally let go and just do nothing.   It’s the hardest magic for someone like me to do.   And this is exactly why I have to do at this moment in time.  

So here I sit.  It will be hard not to do magic because at this point even just thinking about things seems to be causing magic to happen.  Which means I have to clear my mind of the topic.  Ugh!  Not an easy thing for me to do.  But what my coach said feels so right and so true.  I could start my new path but it won’t be as powerful and beautiful without this missing piece.  So I let go and I let the magic happen.

One interesting thing that happened over this Valentines weekend was someone from my past that I am not friends with on Facebook liked some of my photos.  In the past this would have caused me to break down and cry and probably throw up.  The love and pain I had with this person was so strong and intense.  And yet now…. I don’t know what or how I feel now.   

I didn’t respond.  It was strange timing.
It was an odd move considering my page is private and we are not friends in Facebook land or real life.   This person left my life and we have had almost no contact for over 5 years.   This person did serious damage to our relationship and to any future relationship we could have.  However, there is this part of my heart that feels like, if this person has truly changed.  Maybe.  

Maybe there is a chance they have actually grown in a way that could mean something?
But I am not a back-up plan.   I am not a trip down memory lane freak out on valentine’s day.   I am so much more than that and I require so much more than before.  This person would need to do some serious soul searching on their side to think about who I am now and who I have become since we parted.  Have they have become a person worthy of being in my life since we were last around each other?  Are they living a life that makes them worthy of being the kind of person that deserves to be in my life now?  Maybe? But they would need to make it known and they would need to do the work to tell and show me.  

Magic is the fact I let this whole situation happen and I didn’t respond or let it hurt me.  But I also let my heart stay open to let magic do what it needs to do because there always is that maybe.  Maybe this person is something to me that is more than just a dark memory?  I don’t know and that’s the point.  I have to just sit with the nothing.