2015 Is Going To Be About Transformation

I can already start to feel the new energy of 2015.  It's light, cool and crisp.  It's about transformation and self actualization.  It's the feeling of creating your dream home/space/path and being grateful everyday that you get to fully live and be present in that space.

I am spending New Years Eve in my own space this year doing my intention ritual.  I am looking forward to making my space cozy with special treats for the evening and light my special candles.  I am going to present to 2015 because this year marks the start to some intense transformation changes for me.  I am letting go of what I think I should be doing and will be guided by what my soul and the universe want for me.  I am finally ready to embrace this new life and I know it's time.

It will be an interesting year because all of these changes will be subtle and beautiful.  It's going to be a return to my true self.  I will still be working in the corporate world.  I will still be living in my wonderful condo and having dinner with friends.  But on a deeper level, I will be moving towards my new future on a daily basis.

One thing that started this new transformation for 2015 was I signed up for Rachael Maddox's Magic 17 Intensive  course.  I found while looking for some guidance at the end of November.   I knew things in my life needed to change but I had no idea what direction to go in.  None of my attempts to change my job situation were successful so I was just sitting in the moment and waiting.  I found Rachael's course and I was drawn to sign up.  We had a very interesting initial chat on the phone and I said that I wanted to take her course but I knew in the back of my mind that for me to attend her course and be ready for the next stage in my life I would need much more free time than I had at my current situation.  Within 1 week of signing up for her class, I had interviewed and been offered my new job.   I made my dedication to the new life I knew I wanted to move towards but I had no idea how I was going to do within my current situation.  I only knew that my soul would be screaming if I had let this course pass me by.

Sometimes the divine works that way.   I had to be ready to jump off the cliff before I could see the cliff I needed to jump off.  I finally listened to my soul and spirit that had been telling me for a long time my life was not working for them.  And life feels like it is falling into place.  

It's not without it's challenges.  I must admit my hermit side is very strong right now.   I am not getting out as much as I should be.  I have been processing a lot of my history to clear it out of my energy field and this is a painful process to do it when you have people around you but to do it when you are isolating is very hard. 

However, I am so grateful for the chance to do it alone.  I am not sure I would ever fully be able to go this deep and this far into myself if I was not alone.  I feel like this part of the pilgrimage.   I am on my hero path and right now it is isolated and dark but there is finally a light up ahead.  I can see the end of this stage and I am so grateful to be almost out of it.

2015 is all about Love, Abundance and Freedom

I accepted a new job offer this week back at my old company and gave notice at my current job. 

I am thrilled.

I have not been this relaxed, grateful and peaceful in a long time.  I will not be returning to the video game industry just yet but at least I am returning to a company I know I like working for.   And a bonus treat is I now get to work from home on Monday's and Friday's which mean I have the time and space to focus on self care and life coach classes.  And I got a raise in the middle of this.  More money, less stress and a manager that doesn't scream at me.

2015 is going to be truly life changing! 

The Journey

I am preparing for a new journey and I am both excited and scared all at once.  I am taking that leap of faith that requires a blind trust and this maybe one of the hardest things I have ever done but my soul and spirit need it badly. 

I will hopefully reveal more this week.  I think 2015 is going to be truly transformational.

Peaceful Holiday

I read a quote this weekend from the Desire Map that blew me away

We create wellness or dysfunction in our lives by how we go about getting our needs met.  Pg. 58 The Desire Map

I have been turning this quote over in my mind over the last few days in Joy.   I no longer have dysfunction in my life, just wellness but it explains so much of my past.  And brings  Joy and understanding to how I navigated my youth and why.  

I spent the long weekend in peace.  I did not make many plans because I just wanted to be present with myself.  I am working on some writing projects and I wanted to spend my weekend exactly how I wanted to spend it.   It was the best weekend I have had in a long time.  I feel refreshed and centered. 

2015 marks a turning point for me in so many ways.  I can feel this big change happening and I have no idea how to explain it.  It’s like nothing I have ever felt in my life.  The only other time I felt close to this way was when I moved to NYC at 21.  Life is about to change in a very big way and I am so ready for this change.  It has already started.  The closer I get to 2015 the further away from the mess and darkness I feel.  I am excited to see what will happen.  

So far the change has included:

-          A loss of 30 pounds

-          A cozy new home

-          Blonde hair

-          A sense of peace and confidence 

Turning Over A New Leaf

After a tough year, I am finding feeling some relief!

I am so happy to be in this new energy!!!!

I am waking up happy and grateful for the first time in a long time.  My new condo is finally feeling like a home.   I love waking up in the morning to my own space and coming home in the evening to a cozy space with some of my favorite photographs on the wall.  I love my beautiful deck that is full of plants and trees.  I love how quiet and warm my new home is and how it is all me.  It smells like me.  It feels like me. 

My job is even for now.  It’s not my dream job but it is providing for me at the moment and is allowing me to get to the next level in my career and for that I am grateful.  I created a marketing piece last month that had the best results of all the campaigns my group did in the last year.  So for now, I am ok.

Most importantly, I am happy with where I am in my emotional and spiritual state.  I have had ups and downs over the last year but every time I go down, I come back in a higher place.  I am getting better about weathering the storms of life and moving forward.  I am so  happy and grateful for where I am in life.  My heart is full of love and gratitude for so much lately.  It feels really good to be right here, right now.  I know from my last astrology reading that the worst of things is over for a while and I am turning over a new life in all the areas of my life.   I have a lot of really positive changes coming up starting in 2015.   I suffered a lot from 2003 to 2014 and now it’s time to party!    I could not be more happy and ready to embrace this new side of my life.  I am ready to shine.  I am ready to step into a new life and a new way of living, one that will aligned with my authentic self. 

My heart has been having some little pains and emotional cords over all my ex’s this week.  I know these are the final cords being cut so it’s a positive thing.  It’s a mix of sadness, fondness, missing these people and the feeling of completion.   These people were important and they all taught me so many lessons.  And I loved all of them so much.  But it’s time for something new and I am ready.   The space has been made and I am no longer available for any of these people other than just a memory.   I know I will hear from all of them again at some point in my life.  But I have had all the closure with each of them I needed.   I am ready for my new and better thing.  And it’s coming!!!!

Clearing Out Unwanted Energy

I am in the process of deleting my relationship history from social media.  It’s time and it’s the right thing to do.   I have been holding onto these virtual memories for too long and I know it’s been part of what’s keeping me stuck in emotional pain.   It feels weird to be able to erase history like deleting a facebook email chain that lasts years and that shows a love grow and then die. But you know what?  In the end, it doesn’t really mean anything more than, I experience something that I no longer wish to remember.   I have my journals if I want to remember my side. I have some memories but I have already started deleting his photographs.   And I am just now starting to realize how truly bad this person was for me.   Narcissist does not even begin to describe this person.

I feel free to look towards the future.  I feel free to dream again.   I feel free to be me and change.

I did have a couple of new people come into my life recently.  It’s like the universe is testing me big time.  One is someone I have known for years, am wildly attracted too but is also very different than myself and slightly living on the edge.   The other person is quiet, funny and someone I work near.  He is younger but also fun and fairly conservative.   With him it would be a real relationship.  With the person I have known for a long time it would be a good time.  I don’t know what to do with either of these men.   

Frankly, I don’t think I will do anything with either of them because right now I am just enjoying where I am at.  I am living alone in this amazing condo.   I finally figured out what was wrong with me health wise and my body is responding wonderfully to treatment.  I am down 3 clothing sizes and starting to look like myself again.   I am looking for a job that is in better alignment with who I am and I am not worried about finding one.   I am feeling secure for the first time in many years.   And I am doing it all on my own.    

The wild man came over to my apartment a few weeks ago and it was nice but he also made a few weird moves that in the end were just not the right moves if he wants to be with someone like me.  It’s sad but true.  I suspect what he did works for the kind of women he is used to dealing with but that’s just not how I do thing.  There is a magic to my life.   And it’s not something that I want to share with just anyone anymore.  He nicely taught me this over the last week or so.  

It feels good to be so protective over myself and my heart.   I don’t want to be closed down, I just want to be selective.  Wild men can exit out the door.  Nice men are allowed as long as they prove themselves and take it slow.   No more rushing into things anymore.  It’s all about intention and living the life I want and sharing it with people that I adore.

Moving!

I am moving on Friday to my new place!

I can't wait!!!!!

Growth

Growth is good                

This weekend I spent time with a friend that is having some anxiety issues.  I was telling her about when I used to have really bad  anxiety attacks when I was in my old relationship and what the attacks would be like.  I went through the whole brain thought pattern I would have and all the feelings and questions I would have.  She was shocked that I would beat myself up so horribly when I was having a panic attack. 

I went silent for a moment and even I was shocked at what was coming out of mouth.  It was awful what I would put myself through and not something I would ever think about myself today.

I have started to question if these thoughts were even my own thoughts or if these were the thoughts that the toxic people in my life had about me.   My ex never really liked me.  He would say he did but his actions and words proved otherwise.  At that age, I was not strong enough to leave him and part of me also believed that I deserved the abuse but then suddenly there would be times where I knew he  was wrong and my life in general was wrong.  I would suddenly start questioning why I was living the way I was living and it would turn me upside down.  I can’t imagine having an attack like this now because I am so happy and living the exact life I have always wanted.    Plus, I am strong enough to leave toxic people behind.  Remembering how abusive these relationship were and how abusive my friendships were with other people at this time in my life makes me sad for that lost child I was in college and in my 20’s.     

I am so grateful that I am strong enough to not let people like this into my world anymore.  I am so grateful that I never think these type of thoughts about myself anymore nor do I abuse myself anymore.  I am even grateful that there was a part of my soul crying for help in the form of massive panic attacks screaming for me to realize that what was happening in my life was wrong.  I am sorry it took me so long to wake up to that voice but I am so glad she never went away.  I loved my ex so much back then and always hoped he would love me back.  I now realize that he was so sick and unhappy with himself that it was not possible for him to love anyone in his life at that point, not even himself.   I am grateful that I woke up one day and decided to change myself and my life and that I had the courage to do it.

That life feels like a million miles away and not something I think about very often.   It’s strange because I have such warm and loving thoughts about my first relationship. I always tell people I would get back together with my first love in a heartbeat.  There was such love between us.  But with my second relationship, I just don’t allow my thoughts to go there.  It’s not something I think about.  It’s not something I want to go back too.  It’s not something I am proud of or want to revisit.  Maybe one day this will be different.  But for right now, the past is just left in the past.  I am at peace with it.  I just choose not to feel anything about the relationship or our past.   I did exchange an email with this ex around the holidays when he reached out for the first time since our breakup.  I honestly never thought I would ever hear from him again.  I ended my email back to him with “ Take care of yourself and just know there is a lot of love for you still in my heart”.  That is true.  There is love for this person and the life experience we had together.  But from a distance and a source that I do not visit often.  

Life is too good to live in the past.  Life is too wonderful to feel bad anymore.  I am so happy and grateful for everything that has happened to me because it made me who I am.  I would never give any of my past up because I finally love who I am.  I just want to focus on the positive and my life in the present because it’s so perfect and beautiful right now.  

New Energy - New Year - New Theme

The greatest love of all is SELF LOVE!

This year already feels different.

I am deep down happy.

I am happy to be alive.  I am happy to be in my job.  I am happy to be living in this wonderful city. I am grateful for my past and excited about my future.  I am happy, present and full of love.

My birthday was a pretty normal day but it truly wasn't.  It was the first time in a long time I truly owned the day.  I let people celebrate me.  I let people take me out to lunch and wish me a happy birthday which in the past I would have hide the fact it was my birthday.  I owned that it was my day and that I deserved a little attention.   I am stepping into myself and my life in a way I have never done before.   I am letting myself take up space and it feels so good.  I feel that I deserve to be treated well and owning the fact that this treatment starts with me.  So this next year of my life is all about me treating myself the best way I can and from this, people will treat me differently.

I also know that my life is changing on so many levels.   I have finally discovered the root of many of my health issues and I am 2 weeks into my treatment.  I am coming back to my healthy self!  This summer was really hard.  I struggled with everything because my health was in such decline. But I am back and better than ever.   I am not going to be able to heal my issues right away but I can slowly work towards a happy healthy point and get the worst of my condition under control.

I am also just feeling so strong emotionally.   I am free of all emotional sadness around my past.   This is powerful.  I am excited for my future.  I love my past and and my journey but what I love the most is where I am right now.  It's a beautiful place to be.  I am successful.  I am manifesting my dreams.  I am moving into a dream home. I am buying a new car soon.  I am taking dream vacations.  I am saving money for my future. I am taking care of myself and my family.   I am living my dreams.
I just want to state the to the universe that I am grateful for everything!  And that I am bringing the Queen back!

New Moon

Today mark a powerful new moon in Virgo.

I am spending the day trying to get clear of what I want in life and in my work life.   I am also approaching my birthday and starting to think about  the last year and  how I have changed and grown.  It’s been a very painful year.   This statement about sums up how my last year has been.  Painful Growth.   But with painful growth comes true change and closer.   If it was not painful, I would not have been able to walk away otherwise.   

So here I sit on the new moon before my birthday and I am starting to think about what changes I want to create in my life.   I want to set my intentions around a couple of core places.

Health – I intend for this new year to be a healthy year.  I intend for my body to start to match my energy level and for me to be seen as a healthy and beautiful fit lady.   I intend to continue on my quest to become the healthiest version of myself that I can be and to keep eating healthy, working out and putting my self care first.  I love this strong and soon to be fit body and I look forward to seeing the changes that will happen as I continue to nurture myself.

Work – I intend to create an easy and successful transition to being self-employed one day.   I intend for my current job to remain stable as I start to build my next company.  I intend for this transition to happen so easy that when I leave my current position, I will be able to keep my current salary level or increase it by making the move.   I also intend to create a clear and successful path back into the video game world.  I miss the video game industry every day and would like to go back into this area while I start to grow my own company.  While I am in my current situation, I intend to create a happy, healthy and successful situation while I am here.   This is very important.  I must focus on my current situation until I can make my move.

Home – I intend for my new home to be a healing and positive place for everyone that enters my space.  I intend for this place to be my sanctuary. 

Love life – I intend to continue on my path towards meeting my person.  I have such a clear version of this person and our relationship.  I know what his energy feels like and I know this will be a lifelong love. Until I meet this person, I will continue on my quest for self-love and self-discovery.   And I will have more fun in life!  This year I have not focused enough on having fun.  This is something that needs to change!    I am actually feeling really powerful and settled in this area.  Once I meet my person, marriage and a baby are soon after.

I keep thinking back about my 5 year plan I came up with 2 years ago.

Year 1 – school for marketing management

Year 2 – Go FTE

Year 3 – new home and car

Year 4 – meet my person

Year 5 – marriage and a baby

I am hitting year 3 and everything is happening so fast!   I will forever create 5 year plans because they happen.  It’s a magical way to set your intentions.  

Happy new moon to everyone!  Let’s make this a special year!!!!

So Grateful

This morning I woke up grateful. 

I have so much to be thankful for in my current life and I need to take the time to remember this.  My health is in good shape thanks to the years of dedication I have spent taking care of myself.   My job is hard but so important to my growth.   I am growing every day in this job.  Sometimes growth is hard and I am pushed to my limits but overall, this is a great place for me to be at the moment.

I am also grateful for all the growth and change that has happened over the few years as I have learn to love myself and accept who I am.  I am living at a level of peace I never knew possible.  No one told me as I was growing up that at some point in my life I would be able to create my dreams and that I would be able to love myself for exactly who I am.  Yet these are exactly the lesson I have learned over the last few years of my life.   These lessons have come with some level of pain and sadness but overall I am so grateful for getting to this place of comfort and ease. 

The other thing I am grateful for is my level of faith.  This level has grown as I have let go of trying to control, understand or dictate what should be happening in my life.  I am now just letting go and letting the universe show me what is next in this journey.   This single action has helped me to become more grateful because I am starting to see the divine work in real time.  People are coming into my life for a reason and leaving for a reason and I am no longer beating myself up for these goodbyes.   I am grateful for these goodbyes because I have also learned that better things are on their way.  

One thing I am super excited for is that I move into my new apartment in less than 1 month.   I am excited, fearful, nervous and relieved.   I can’t wait to get into my own space and just settle into this new phase in my life.   I am excited to see how my life changes by this single action.   I am starting to see how stale my energy has been in the last few years because the Universe has been waiting for me to make this move but I was fighting it this whole time.  Not anymore.  It’s now time for me to change and grow even more.   2014 has been this huge growth year for me.  It has not been gentle but has come suddenly and swiftly.  It is truly the year of the horse for me!  Swift, powerful but also majestic.

Soon I will be hosting dinner parties in my new space, sitting on my comfy new furniture and sitting on my large deck enjoying an evening drink with a good friend.  I will be making candles and potions in my kitchen and really returning to myself in the comfort of my own space.  

Dreams and the moon

I took advantage of the super moon and full moon on Sunday to get really clear about my manifesting list and what I want my future to look like.   Because I want an integrated life,  my vision included marriage, my life's work, my home and even what my vacations will look like.  All of these combine into this vision of my future that makes me feel like life makes sense and is peaceful.   This was the clearest I have ever been in what my future will look like.  I sat outside in the moonlight with my candles and wrote down what this future looked like and just focused on how I felt while I wrote down what I want to manifest.   I have my list wrapped up and under my pillow.   On Friday I will burn my list to release it since Friday is the day of Venus. 

This morning in my dreams the Two of Cups card came up.  In the dream someone was saying that I had a little more work to do but that this was my future.  They showed me that the two of cups card was the next card after my current situation.   I woke up feeling secure.  This dream makes so much sense.  I am still in the process of changing and now is not the right time.  I understand that.  But I also feel relieved to know this person is coming and soon.   The two of cups is my next phase.  There is no doubt in my mind this is my truth.   So until this phase, I will keep working on myself.  I will focus on my health, my job and becoming the best version of myself I can become. 

The 2 of Cups include the reunion of soulmates who have come together in this lifetime to fulfill commitments begun in previous lives. An almost immediate friendship blossoms into romantic love, and a committed relationship soon progresses to discussions about living together or marriage. This is a love that is reciprocated on all levels and in all ways, without the complications of pride or ego involvements.   

In other exciting news, once I move into my new space, my potions shop will be open for business again.  I can't wait to get back to creating Intention products!   I will be making candles, bath salts and other fun products for my friends and family.   I will be creating new recipes and products in the comfort of my new space.   This thought makes my heart soar.

Finding my Health

I am trying to find my health in a sea of too many hours at the office, too many appointments when I am not working and trying to maintain my fitness routine.    I am having some serious issues with my digestion and I can feel it hurting my whole body.   I feel off all day long and I no longer want to eat but I am also hungry all the time because my system is not working properly.  Ugh.   It’s been a hard couple of months in terms of my physical health.

I am working on my energy level and I will say, this is really starting to open up and change.   I can see how my thoughts are creating my reality and how my feelings are connected to my thoughts.   I have not been this in touch with my energy and ability to co-create since I was 21 and moved to NYC.   I am really excited about this means for my future.   I no longer feel tied to karma or the past.  I feel free and refreshed.  My energy is clean and I can attract that which I want in life.  

The ten of Pentacles card has been following lately.   Every reading it comes up.  Every discussion I have with friends that are interested in the tarot,  this card and image comes up for me.   I am opening up to this card becoming reality and I can truly feel it happening.  My life will be very different in one year from now.  I will be living the dream that I am starting to see in my mind.  And it all relates to the 10 of pentacles as well as the two of cups.

The Ten of Pentacles stands for the ultimate in worldly and material success. Sometimes I jokingly call it the "fat cat" card because it reminds me of the aura of prosperity that surrounds wealthy men and women of business. Wealth and affluence are yours.

The Two of Cups, here is the very picture of romantic and sexual attraction. The energy between these two is almost palpable. The Two of Cups shows the beauty and power that is created when two come together. This is the card that lovers want to see, and, in fact, the Two of Cups is the minor arcana equivalent of the Lovers in many ways.

So even though I am having trouble with my health, my life is moving forward.  I know the health stuff is just temporary and only happening to help me get to the next level of my fitness goals.   I just need to create the space to allow my body to heal.   Once I get into my apartment, all this will change.  I will have my space and time to really heal.   I can’t wait!

Time for a change

I want to change my life.  For the last four years I have worked towards the goal of marketing manager and now that I am here, I realize this is an out of date dream.  I don’t want to be a marketing manager for products that I care nothing about.  I don’t want to work in a corporate environment that is soulless.  I don’t want to do a job just to support myself while I am depressed most of the time.

I want to help people.  I want to be a part of something bigger than convincing you to upgrade your phone every year.  I don’t care what phone plan you buy.  I don’t care what credit class you are in.   I want to inspire you to realize how wonderful this life is and how incredible you can feel by being healthy and putting self-care first.   My heart longs to connect with people and share this journey with them.  I want people to love themselves and love others.  I want happiness and support to surround me.   

It’s been a hard realization to have lately because I have worked so hard to get where I am at.  I need my level of salary to continue on my journey but I also need to balance my non-working hours to include time to move forward to my new dream.   I don’t want to give up on the idea that I can do what I love and make the level of money I am making now.  So I need to take some time to really think, write and visualize how I can make this happen.  

I am also in this in-between space in life where I am waiting to move into my apartment so I can start planning and putting my dreams first.   Until I can move, I am on hold for everything in life.  This is so frustrating because I just want to move forward.  I want to change my energy and grow and I can’t do that where I am at right now.

And my heart is starting to close due to recent experiences.  I don’t want to attract unavailable people anymore and yet, they are still coming my way.   I am getting better about spotting them earlier and walking away.  But I am ready for some new people that are available!

Feathering My Nest

This weekend I spent time viewing my new apartment again and buying items for it.   It was a simple yet powerful step for me.   I am feathering my nest and am intent on bringing in only items with positive energy.  No item will come into my apartment from my old relationship.  I am determined to start fresh and really set up this apartment exactly how I want it.   This makes my heart sing just thinking about it.

In the past spending large amounts of money would make me very nervous but not this time.   I am moving forward knowing this is the right next step.   I am finally able to walk away from my past in a way I have not been able to do in the last 5 years.   I have been reading up on Feng Shui and really thinking about my space and my apartment as a living space.   How will I work with this energy to bring in positive things?  I have always been interested in Feng Shui and now that I am single and will have my own space, I can do exactly what I want with it.   This is such a big and welcomed change for me. 

I am preparing for my move by living as-if.   I am preparing my space for the life I intend to create.  I have never felt stronger in my ability to co-create this life.   I am working on getting super focused on what I want my whole life to look like.  This means I am reevaluating my current career path and lifestyle choices.  In some ways I feel that I am off the path I want to be on.  This job is amazing in that it provides the money I need to make big changes, but this job is not feeding my soul enough.  So what does my life look like if I dream big?  What are my new goals now that I have created so many of my past goals?   I know change is coming and I want to do as much as I can to set my intentions for this new wonderful life.  I also want to just maintain what I have right now as I lay the foundation down for my next change.  There has been so much fire in my life since my Saturn returning that I am ready for some easy signs from the Universe. 

Bringing the Queen back

Over the course of the last year I have been working with an energy healer at least once a month.  It has been a very interesting journey.  We work together over the phone and usually I sit there thinking, this is silly.   Part of me will always be skeptical but thank goodness the stronger part of my soul is the part that believes in magic because my life has grown so much since I  started my journey of working with a energy healer.   I have been thinking back on the last year and just realizing how much I have grown into this new life and how I have been able to manifest my dreams into reality.  My life is not perfect yet but it’s certainly getting there and I have this healer to thank for guiding me into my new life. 

We have a very long and intense session last night.  I am working with integrating the part of my life that is successful, analytical and structured with the part of me that believes in fate, magic and divine connection.   Sometime during my early 20’s I turn my back on the side of myself that believed in magic and life has been hard ever since.   I want these two sides of myself to be integrated again.   I want to be able to manifest  my dreams again.   It seems like something that should be so simple to integrate but for me it’s really not.  I have never dated someone that is even remotely close to how spiritual I am.  I am usually teased for my spiritual side by my partners.   And for some reason I have a hard time believing that someone can be spiritual and successful.

I am working on bringing integrating these parts in myself and finding other people that have successfully combined these two sides.   Once I move into my new apartment, I will be able to start letting this side of myself come out again.  I can make candles and bath salts.  I can spend time reading my books and just being quite.  I can have friends over to create treasure maps for manifesting our dreams.  I can finally move into my new energy.     

Tomorrow night is another session with my healer.  It could not come soon enough.  I am in the midst of stepping into a new place in my life and I need all the support I can get. 

Something Is Happening

I got sick this weekend.   I always hate getting sick on the weekends because I feel like I miss my chance to have fun.  Of course, I hate getting sick during the week because I end up missing work so I think the lesson here is I hate being sick!

I came into work today but I am going to leave early.  I feel awful.  I am too weak to even say good morning to anyone and I feel like I might throw up.  I hate missing work but this is just silly for me to have come in.

My weekend was pretty calm.  I did get weak and text my most recent ex.  I miss this person in my life so much.  It’s weird because sometimes our relationship was difficult but there was something about this person that I really connected with.  We had fun together and had so much in common.  Even now when I text them about video games, we are always playing the same games even though we don’t talk much anymore.   I wrote this person to say, sometimes I really miss you in my life.  They wrote back and said, I can come visit someday.    I am not sure how to take this.

I did tour my new apartment this weekend.  While I love how large my deck is, I worry it’s not big enough for me.   What if I need more space?  Does having a deck for my dog take priority having a large living space to entertain friends?   I am going to try and make it work for 1 year but ……… I am nervous.

I know these feelings are my commitment issues coming up.  And that this apartment will be fine for what I am looking for this year.   But I am still scared.

So I am sitting with these feelings.  I still have two months until I move into the building so I can keep looking.  But I know this building is supposed to be where I move.   For some reason fate is putting me into this apartment complex.  I ended up renting this apartment without even realizing it.   I have been applying for other apartments but nothing has panned out.   For some reason unknown to me, I am supposed to be living in this apartment.  I just wish I knew why.  All in good time.

There is actually a lot of interesting fate things happening but I am so weak and sick still that I am having trouble writing them down.   It’s an interesting time right now!

Moving on up

This summer marks a new stage in my life.  I will  be moving into my own condo in my favorite neighborhood that is close to my gym!   This is the area of Seattle I spend all my free time.  It’s a small little spot that has so many wonderful restaurants, shops and the best farmer’s market.   There are brick roads and amazing people that make up my little hood.  I am so excited to make this neighborhood my home.

It feels so weird that I will suddenly have my own space again.   And this time I get to decorate it exactly how I want too.  I finally have the financial means to have nice things in my living space.  I loved my house that I had in my 20’s but it was a mix of things I found at the thrift store.   It was not the kind of house I imagined I would live in.  

I now get to spend the summer picking out items for my new space.  I will finally be able to have dinner parties again and to just spend some quality time alone in my own space. 

I am somewhat in shock that I can finally have my own space again.  It’s been a long time since I had space in my life.  I really feel like this is one of my last blocks in life.  I have been living in a strange suspended space since the breakup with my ex.   This is the last piece of the puzzle.   I now have a job that affords me to live exactly how I want.  I will be moving into a brand new building that is beautiful.  I don’t know how long I will stay at this place but for 1 year I will be calling it home.

Work is still a little strange but I am staying steady.  I want to make this a place I can be while I look for something that is a better fit.  I am working hard to just remain calm and neutral.   This job is allowing for my life to change and unfold so while at times it causes me stress, it has also changed my life in many beautiful ways.  

I am also planning on taking some trips to Portland to special order furniture for my new apartment.   I can't wait to move.

Living As-If

My decision last week to avoid dating has caused the universe to throw situations my way.  Where were all these people a month ago?

But I am staying strong in my decision to avoid everything until Jan 2015.  My heart can’t take any more pain and I am just not in a space where I want to deal with other people’s confusion over what they want.   This is a huge step in my confidence building.  I am putting my needs first.  I need to take care of myself and not let someone get close that is not on the same page as me.

This means I am fighting the urge to communicate with my people from my past.  I am focusing on my future and what I want.  I am holding strong the notion that I will one day find that big love.  I know it’s close.   I am using this time as my yummy time before I settle down.  Instead of living in desperation I am living as-if.   I am living like these are the last 6 months of my life where I will be single.  I am making plans of all the things I want to do before I settle down.  Classes I might want to take, places I want to visit, trips I want to take.  I am preparing for my big love with excitement and love for my life as it is.   It’s a total change of mindset for me and I am enjoying it.  I realized in the last couple of days that I this was my missing piece for my life right now.

Being Challenged

I am being seriously challenged by the universe right now.   I need to slow down, simplify and focus on my present situation because I feel like I am in over my head.   It’s not just work that is causing these feelings.  My personal and emotional life are also throwing me some interesting curve balls.   Let me see if I can break it down and help soothe my mind.

 - Work- This job it turns out is slightly different than the job I have been doing for the last 4 years.   This company is very different and that’s where the real problem starts.  My last company was very smart and detailed oriented.  People spent time on projects thinking them out logically and by the time it came to my part, I knew exactly what the directive was.   At my new company, depending on what hour of the day it is, I can get 3 different answers on what I should be focusing on.  Each week I end up making plans to either make my job larger or eliminate part of my job depending on how my manager is feeling that day.  I don’t know how to handle this.    And due to some serious trauma from my first job out of college, I am in constant fear of being fired.  I consulted for many years and vowed I would never go full time because of the trauma from my first job.  I am now returning to those feelings and it’s really upsetting to me.

 -I am working on finding a new place to live and it’s stressful for me.   I want to find it now so I can enjoy my space again.  I want to move so I can invite friends over and hangout in my own space again.  But I am scared to do this because what happens if my job goes away?  How will I afford my own place.  But I need to not live in fear about this decision.  If my job ends, I will find another one.

  - I am in a space of letting go of my attachment to wanting to be in any kind of relationship.   I can no longer suffer from my lack of a relationship.  I just can’t think about dating or anything romantic anymore.  Again, I think I am starting to suffer from trauma around romantic relationships as well.  It’s hard to feel fine some weeks and then be triggered other weeks.   I don’t want to say I have given up on love but for the most part, I have given up on love.    I am focusing on other things and just not allowing myself to think or feel anything for other people anymore.   It’s been very interesting because as I have cutting my desperation off to meeting someone, I am suddenly more attractive to people.   But I am staying strong in my space of letting go.  

I have all this emotion swirling, all these pressure points and just general discomfort.  I wish things could just be steady for a while.  I would like to not be challenged for a bit.   But alas, there are things I need to work on and the Universe keeps bringing them up until I do.

I guess…..   

Recovering Nicely

My adventures in San Francisco feels like a million years ago. 

I am settling back into my life in Seattle.  In fact, I am now house hunting for my own place.   It feels weird to admit this.  I never thought the day would come where I would move into my own place and be able to pay for it easily.  Yet here I am.   About to move with my dog into our own place and I could not be more excited!

I also came to a place of peace with my first love.   I love him but I can’t fix him nor do I want to ruin what he is doing now.   In the end it’s his loss.   That’s one of the biggest lessons I came away with.  He has very sad feelings towards our history and his current situation.   I don’t,   I feel nothing but love towards the past and the present.    I feel so much joy and happiness in life at this moment.  I am happy to be single because it allows me to find my big love.   I don’t want to settle anymore.  So today I am grateful for my single status and for not settling in relationships that are not good for me in the long run.   I know my first love is scared to do something new and to take the much needed next step.  But only he can make this move. 

I did have a new coworker that I am very attracted to tell me the other “ The thing is you kind of are always in my head”.  He said this in a joking manner but still a very interesting thing for him to say.   I just laughed at the comment and changed the subject.    But this comment stuck in my mind.  I have forgotten what it feels like to be in someone’s mind.   I often think that I am not attractive or that people don’t really notice me.  To have someone admit something like this made me realize that I need to change my perception of myself.   I am worthy of someone thinking of me.  I am worthy of someone being attracted to me.  

I am going to go dance by myself in the copier room to celebrate what a great day it is.

My past did not break me

When I was 17 I fell in love.  It was a deep love for someone that lasted 5 years.  We both came from unusual families and were trying so hard to be together while also growing up and figuring out who we were. At some point I realized I needed to grow up away from my life in Seattle and I flew the nest.   I never wanted to break up with my love but I needed to experience life.   My love found someone else and left our situation and at the time it almost broke me.   I have never experienced a pain so deep and strong as this person leaving our relationship for someone new.
I ran away to NYC and then the Midwest.  I ended up meeting someone else and living with them for 7 years.  I have dated other people but I always kept in touch with my first love.   There will always be a part of me that loves this person and believes one day we will be together again.

Fast forward 14 years and not much has changed.

I saw my  first love last week when I was in San Francisco.  At first it was fine.  I was not nervous to see him because I am at peace with myself and my life.  I am happy and healthy.  I am balanced and for the first time in a long time, I am really good.   So we were catching up about life and our families.  It was a familiar energy and we were making each other laugh.  But there was this sadness from him that I can't explain.  He was so sad and so full of regret.  After a couple of cocktails he finally admitted that he made a lot of mistakes with us when we broke up and he wished he had done things differently.  He could not believe how beautiful I still am and how he wished life was different.   I had mixed feelings all night long.
On the one hand I realized in some ways I have evolved beyond this person.  While I have worked hard not to be my parents, he is exactly like his.  Which is not a good thing.   I kept saying, don't be sad. I am good.   But he is sad.  He is stuck and it felt weird to realize that all these years and all the painful situations I have gone through have allowed me to progress and grown.  But he is stuck.  He is frozen in a situation with the same person he left me for.  When he described his relationship with that person he said, well she puts up with me.  Ugh. There is nothing about this person to put up with.  He is a wonderful and caring person.  It was painful to hear him talk about himself that way.

On the other hand, I still love this person.  I could not help falling in love with him again the more we talked.  All I want to do is snuggle up to this person.  To hold them and just be with them.  Our love connection is too strong.  It was never dramatic or bad.  We loved each other and simply met too young.

We spent way more time together than we thought we would.  We said things to each other we probably should not have.  There is still a connection there and it sent me into a whirlwind these last few weeks.  I am coming out of it and realizing that I love this person and I always will. I don't think I can say that about any other people I have dated.   But I also feel like if we are meant to be together this person will make it happen.  And if not, then I need to keep moving forward, growing and evolving.  I can't solve the pain this person feels.  I can't fix them.

For the first time in our 20 year long relationship, I feel strong and steady.  I will always be there for him.  I will always love him.  I will not run away anymore.  But I also won't hurt myself in trying to convince him to love me back.  Because I don't need his love.  I didn't need his closure.  I don't need anything from this person.

What this person needs is unconditional love and that's what I have to offer them.

Taking care of myself

After almost a month of pushing myself to celebrate my new life, I decided it was time to just detox and slow down.  I spent last week eating super healthy and not drinking (not that I really drink that much).   I took the weekend to just focus on being present and staying healthy.  I went to the farmers market and cooked all day long while cleaning the kitchen and throwing a lot of stuff away.  I just focused on what I was doing and staying positive.

It feels good to have little stress in my life.  And it feels good to be moving forward.  There has been so much pain and emotions over the last two years and I finally feel like they are going away.   I am gearing up to make a new vision map that has no connection to the past.

Next week I am off to San Fran for a couple of day and then I have a couple of days of stay-cation.  I am going to just relax and let go. I have fun things plan but I also just have a lot of alone time planned.  I just want to decompress and come back to center.

For the first time since last year, I am questioning my gym routine.  I don't see my trainer until 7:30 at night and this leaves me exhausted on Tuesdays and Thursdays.   I love my trainer but being at the gym that late on a Monday might not jive with my new job and schedule.   I don't know what to do.  I don't want to give up my routine but I also can't let it affect my job.  

I am going to just sit with these feelings until I know the right next step.

  

Taking a vacation

In two weeks I will be taking one of my first vacations for 2014.   I am going to the Bay Area to attend a conference for fun and I will be seeing someone special.   It feels good to be able to book myself a room in any hotel I want in San Francisco proper and to be able to pay for everything with ease.   It such a change from my past and one that I welcome.
I am also taking some time to just sit still and alone.  I am dealing with this strange month by hibernating and cleaning up my life.   I know it's a funky time astrology wise and that a lot of my friends are in serious pain and suffering.  My heart goes out to them.  I feel slightly uneasy because for once my life is going along with ease while so many others are stumbling.   I feel like all the pain and suffering I had to deal with to  face myself and my issues happened over the last few years so that now I can coast for a few moments and watch my dreams finally unfold.

I started my new job and I could not be happier.   I know there is unease in my department and that my new manager might be a little kooky.  But I intend to stay positive, do my job and when it is time for me to exit, I will leave with ease and return to the gaming world.  I am so much happier to be out of my old job.  It's weird.  It's not like I could not do my old job, I could.  But it just was not a good fit for me.   Something about it made me unhappy everyday I had to be in the office.   Now I wake up in the morning happy and content.

One thing that has been a little different lately is my dreams are much more vivid that they used to be.  I feel like I am processing a lot of internal issues through my dreams.   I am waking up remembering them with messages for myself.   This morning I woke up at 2 am and said out loud - I deserve love and a successful life.  This seems like such a simple message but it is one that has been very far from being something I think about myself.  I don't know how to explain it other than it feels like something shifted last night.  In a really good way.  Something is different today.  I am different.  I feel different.  I feel like for the first time in a very long time, I am seeing myself as the amazing person I truly am.

Intentional Journaling

I was talking last night with someone at a coffee shop about why I journal.  At this stage in my life I have about 30 journals dating back to 1996 when I started to write everything down.   He asked me why I still keep at journal after all these years and I replied because if I write something down it usually comes true.   It may not come true right away but as I move into my next stage in life, I am starting to realize the power of intentional journal writing.    My new job is thanks to a plan that I developed 2 years ago which is my 5 year plan.   I decided to go to school for 1 year to gain new marketing skills.  Then my goal was to get a full time job and leave the consulting world.   Now my next phase is starting.    I can already see the universe working behind the scenes to create the next step.  

I am not ready to share the next couple of phases in my plan because they are very personal and close to my heart.    But I can feel they are close and the best thing to do is to live and just allow the magic to happen.  When I push too hard for something it never works out.  But when I sit back and focus my energy on allowing the universe to bring me the right thing.  Something always comes my way in a very easy and divine way.