When I was 17 I fell in love. It was a deep love for someone that lasted 5 years. We both came from unusual families and were trying so hard to be together while also growing up and figuring out who we were. At some point I realized I needed to grow up away from my life in Seattle and I flew the nest. I never wanted to break up with my love but I needed to experience life. My love found someone else and left our situation and at the time it almost broke me. I have never experienced a pain so deep and strong as this person leaving our relationship for someone new.
I ran away to NYC and then the Midwest. I ended up meeting someone else and living with them for 7 years. I have dated other people but I always kept in touch with my first love. There will always be a part of me that loves this person and believes one day we will be together again.
Fast forward 14 years and not much has changed.
I saw my first love last week when I was in San Francisco. At first it was fine. I was not nervous to see him because I am at peace with myself and my life. I am happy and healthy. I am balanced and for the first time in a long time, I am really good. So we were catching up about life and our families. It was a familiar energy and we were making each other laugh. But there was this sadness from him that I can't explain. He was so sad and so full of regret. After a couple of cocktails he finally admitted that he made a lot of mistakes with us when we broke up and he wished he had done things differently. He could not believe how beautiful I still am and how he wished life was different. I had mixed feelings all night long.
On the one hand I realized in some ways I have evolved beyond this person. While I have worked hard not to be my parents, he is exactly like his. Which is not a good thing. I kept saying, don't be sad. I am good. But he is sad. He is stuck and it felt weird to realize that all these years and all the painful situations I have gone through have allowed me to progress and grown. But he is stuck. He is frozen in a situation with the same person he left me for. When he described his relationship with that person he said, well she puts up with me. Ugh. There is nothing about this person to put up with. He is a wonderful and caring person. It was painful to hear him talk about himself that way.
On the other hand, I still love this person. I could not help falling in love with him again the more we talked. All I want to do is snuggle up to this person. To hold them and just be with them. Our love connection is too strong. It was never dramatic or bad. We loved each other and simply met too young.
We spent way more time together than we thought we would. We said things to each other we probably should not have. There is still a connection there and it sent me into a whirlwind these last few weeks. I am coming out of it and realizing that I love this person and I always will. I don't think I can say that about any other people I have dated. But I also feel like if we are meant to be together this person will make it happen. And if not, then I need to keep moving forward, growing and evolving. I can't solve the pain this person feels. I can't fix them.
For the first time in our 20 year long relationship, I feel strong and steady. I will always be there for him. I will always love him. I will not run away anymore. But I also won't hurt myself in trying to convince him to love me back. Because I don't need his love. I didn't need his closure. I don't need anything from this person.
What this person needs is unconditional love and that's what I have to offer them.
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