Let Me Just Take A Moment

For the last 12 years I have had one goal,  to work in the marketing and branding world as a manager.  I wanted to own a product and creative that the world would see and I could say that I had a part in creating that.   I started my journey in a small town with big city visions.  I worked hard to network and learn as much as I could about the industry.  I was detoured by my break up, my spine injury and the total destruction of my life that these two events caused.  But I climbed my way back up from nothing and I have kept one dream in focus.  To work in the marketing and business world.   I simplified my life and buckled down.  I focused on the journey to making my dream come true.  I cleaned up my life in all different ways; physically, emotionally and mentally.  

I worked hard and let the excitement of being a cool slacker pass me by.   I went back to school to gain new skills.  I let other people take credit for my work because I knew in the end the truth would be known.   As much as it pained me, I let go of people in my life that were not helping me on my path. 

Over time I realized that my dream was not far off or crazy.  My dream was attainable and with each passing month I was closer and closer to making it my reality.  I had setbacks and painful rejections but I kept moving forward.  I had my 5 year plan and I knew I could make it happen.

Two years into my five year plan, I am exactly where I want to be on my path.    My life is unfolding in a surprising but beautiful way. 

I need to take a moment to slow down, rest and just breathe in where I am.   I need to stop and smell the flowers because this is a beautiful moment for me.   I just created what has been a huge dream of mine.   I am finally at a moment where I feel like I can admit a certain level of success.   I am not used to being successful or being able to admit to the fact that I work hard at my success.  It feels foreign to me. 

So that’s what I am going to do for the next few days or maybe weeks.  I am going to slow down, rest, take care of myself and just sit with the knowledge that I just created something I have been dreaming about for years.  

One door opens.... One door closes

One door has opened   

I wish I had a crystal ball and I could see my future because lately it’s been a roller coaster of a ride and I have no idea what the next move is going to be.

I got the job!

Not only is this a perfect job for me, I am finally getting paid what I deserve.  But with all this money comes responsibility and a long fall if something does go wrong.   I am now a marketing manager for a large Mobile company that is breaking up the old ways of doing things.   I am so excited for this job!  The interview process was weird because it was more like having a discussion about the job than being interviewed for a job.  I know this industry so well that I can just talk about it with some level of expertise.  This is a new feeling for me.   I am not used to being successful and not struggling.  

I am suddenly not struggling.  AT ALL!

I start my new gig in a month because my current manager is not ready to lose me.  I am slightly annoyed by this as  I wanted to be done with this job as soon as possible.   This current job is a terrible fit for me.  I was so scared about not working when I left my last job that I jumped at anything I could.   But I will give my current job props in that it got my foot in the door.  Without this job I would never have been able to get hired into the new and exciting job!  I just am ready for a break.  I need a couple of days to do nothing and be ok with it. 

One door has closed

I have been in recovery for almost 5 years now.   Years ago my best friend committed suicide and it get crushed me.  He was a very bad alcoholic and drug user but had a huge heart.  We had been friends since we were teenagers and I was in so much pain after his death.  I went into a recovery program to help deal with my emotions and learn better ways to relate to people.  My friend was not the only reason I went into recover, my Ex had a lot to do with it, my family patterns were also a big reason that I needed to learn better ways of relating.   So after 5 years of becoming emotionally healthier and surrounding myself with people that are working on themselves and being proactive to own their actions and emotions, I get very off balanced when I am spending time with people that are not healthy.   This last weekend I spent time with a friend from 20 years ago that is not in recovery but probably should be.  I held my tongue during our visit but she hurt my feelings and I realized that my life is too busy and my time is worth too much to spend with people that are not going to appreciate me.   Or people that are unhealthy and unwilling to get better.   I feel empowered in my realization that it’s ok to walk away.  She was very important to me at one point in my life but not anymore.   Not in her current state.  I have to get better about who I let into my life because I will give and give and give.  This often ends up with me being taken advantage of and my feelings hurt. 

I feel like there is so much change happening in my life yet for some reason it feels calms and just right.  

I have worked hard to get this job.  I have worked hard to want better people in my life.  I have worked hard to finally realize that I deserve to be treated better than what I have put up with in the past. 

I don’t want to settle anymore. 

Taking care of my emotional self

I need to learn better self care!
This has been a huge lesson for me as of late and the lesson is coming in multiple forms.

First, I interview for a new job this week.  This job is exactly what I did at my old job but for a new company.  I WANT THIS JOB.  I know I can be successful at this job and I already know the players in getting the job done.  But even after this, I still broke down after the last interview and criticized the hell out of myself.   I learned that if I interview for a job, afterwards I need to be very select on the people I let myself be around.  I can't be around anyone that does not love and adore me.  This lesson came because I spent some time after the interview with someone new and I ended up leaving their house in tears.  Not because of anything they did but because their issues triggered my issues which added to the mix of feeling emotionally vulnerable and it was simply too much.
They have no idea I left crying or spent all weekend trying to feel better about myself.  They have no idea that this night caused me to miss my ex more than any night since we broke up.  They have no idea that interviewing for me is like opening up my PTSD wound and pouring straight lemon juice and alcohol on the wound.
But the point is, they should not have to think about this stuff because I need to own my feelings.  It's my fault for not taking better care of myself.  It's my fault for not understanding how sensitive I am after anything happens at work.   I need to be as loving with myself as I am with other people.

The other big step that happened this week is I finally let go of my ex.  The last year since our break up, I have been trying to be friends with this person.   It has been a hard back and forth and this week, I finally realized I had been pushed too far.  I can't be there for this person when our communication is only on their terms.  I can't keep hoping they will come around or wait for them.  I can finally see how cruel and mean they were to me.  And that makes me sad.  Why have I been mourning someone that has been cruel to me?  And not just post break up cruel but pretty cruel from the moment we started dating.  I finally have had enough.  So I took them out of my phone, I took them off all my social media sites and off my IM.  I have cut all ties and on the one hand I feel great!  But then Friday night hit and suddenly I was sad again.
I was sad because there were parts of this person that I was truly compatible with.

So I am clearing deck and moving forward.   I know I am not out of the weeds yet but I am closer than two weeks ago.  And I am ready to keep moving forward.

Lots of doors closing.
Let's hope it means new ones will be opening soon!