Love Does Not Fade

Sometimes my lessons around love takes years to learn.  This time last year I was learning a deep lesson about my first love.
Now I am learning about my second love.  Luckily for me I am learning this lesson with a little more space and less heartache than last year.

I truly loved the man I lived with for 7 years.  I wanted nothing more than for him to step into his mature and adult self and be the man that I knew he could be.  But when we were together that was just not possible.  After our breakup I had to shut down to him.  We went almost 6 years with no communication at all.  I moved on.  I thought very little about him.  I made a new life and I was happy.  But lately he has come back in small ways and I am being forced to confront my feelings.

I loved this man and I couldn't be the woman he loved in this world.

It crushes me to write that.  I wanted so badly to be this woman.  He was my world for years and when he left me and took up with someone else the next day, it was the worst feeling ever.  But out of survival I had to move on.  And I did move on.

But as my life moves forward and becomes this amazing magical place.  As my career takes off and as I begin to take the steps to launch my new company (more to come!)  I am starting to realize all the little places I miss this person more than I ever thought I would.  I miss him at night when I come home to my empty house.  I miss him when I get a promotion or raise and I want to hug someone and celebrate.  I miss him when I want to lay in bed with our animals and have a snuggle fest like we used too.

The thing is, I can't live in the past.  I know there is a part of me that misses those moments but I don't know this man anymore.  And he doesn't know me.  We are strangers.  And while I can sit here and announce to the world that there was a point in time that I really loved this person.  I don't know what he is like now.  I don't know if he is worthy of being with me.  And his silence mixed with passive and odd attempts at communication make me realize that it's probably for the best that we remain distant.  Because I would want him to stand in his power and realize he is the amazing person I see him to be. And to be that person, he would need to be strong and secure and available and I just don't know if he is any of those things.

So  my lesson right now is yes, I loved this man with all my heart.  I will always love this man.  I don't think about our relationship or the past in a negative way.
But sometimes love from a distance is a good thing. 

Moving!

I am moving on Friday to my new place!

I can't wait!!!!!

Growth

Growth is good                

This weekend I spent time with a friend that is having some anxiety issues.  I was telling her about when I used to have really bad  anxiety attacks when I was in my old relationship and what the attacks would be like.  I went through the whole brain thought pattern I would have and all the feelings and questions I would have.  She was shocked that I would beat myself up so horribly when I was having a panic attack. 

I went silent for a moment and even I was shocked at what was coming out of mouth.  It was awful what I would put myself through and not something I would ever think about myself today.

I have started to question if these thoughts were even my own thoughts or if these were the thoughts that the toxic people in my life had about me.   My ex never really liked me.  He would say he did but his actions and words proved otherwise.  At that age, I was not strong enough to leave him and part of me also believed that I deserved the abuse but then suddenly there would be times where I knew he  was wrong and my life in general was wrong.  I would suddenly start questioning why I was living the way I was living and it would turn me upside down.  I can’t imagine having an attack like this now because I am so happy and living the exact life I have always wanted.    Plus, I am strong enough to leave toxic people behind.  Remembering how abusive these relationship were and how abusive my friendships were with other people at this time in my life makes me sad for that lost child I was in college and in my 20’s.     

I am so grateful that I am strong enough to not let people like this into my world anymore.  I am so grateful that I never think these type of thoughts about myself anymore nor do I abuse myself anymore.  I am even grateful that there was a part of my soul crying for help in the form of massive panic attacks screaming for me to realize that what was happening in my life was wrong.  I am sorry it took me so long to wake up to that voice but I am so glad she never went away.  I loved my ex so much back then and always hoped he would love me back.  I now realize that he was so sick and unhappy with himself that it was not possible for him to love anyone in his life at that point, not even himself.   I am grateful that I woke up one day and decided to change myself and my life and that I had the courage to do it.

That life feels like a million miles away and not something I think about very often.   It’s strange because I have such warm and loving thoughts about my first relationship. I always tell people I would get back together with my first love in a heartbeat.  There was such love between us.  But with my second relationship, I just don’t allow my thoughts to go there.  It’s not something I think about.  It’s not something I want to go back too.  It’s not something I am proud of or want to revisit.  Maybe one day this will be different.  But for right now, the past is just left in the past.  I am at peace with it.  I just choose not to feel anything about the relationship or our past.   I did exchange an email with this ex around the holidays when he reached out for the first time since our breakup.  I honestly never thought I would ever hear from him again.  I ended my email back to him with “ Take care of yourself and just know there is a lot of love for you still in my heart”.  That is true.  There is love for this person and the life experience we had together.  But from a distance and a source that I do not visit often.  

Life is too good to live in the past.  Life is too wonderful to feel bad anymore.  I am so happy and grateful for everything that has happened to me because it made me who I am.  I would never give any of my past up because I finally love who I am.  I just want to focus on the positive and my life in the present because it’s so perfect and beautiful right now.