Growth

Growth is good                

This weekend I spent time with a friend that is having some anxiety issues.  I was telling her about when I used to have really bad  anxiety attacks when I was in my old relationship and what the attacks would be like.  I went through the whole brain thought pattern I would have and all the feelings and questions I would have.  She was shocked that I would beat myself up so horribly when I was having a panic attack. 

I went silent for a moment and even I was shocked at what was coming out of mouth.  It was awful what I would put myself through and not something I would ever think about myself today.

I have started to question if these thoughts were even my own thoughts or if these were the thoughts that the toxic people in my life had about me.   My ex never really liked me.  He would say he did but his actions and words proved otherwise.  At that age, I was not strong enough to leave him and part of me also believed that I deserved the abuse but then suddenly there would be times where I knew he  was wrong and my life in general was wrong.  I would suddenly start questioning why I was living the way I was living and it would turn me upside down.  I can’t imagine having an attack like this now because I am so happy and living the exact life I have always wanted.    Plus, I am strong enough to leave toxic people behind.  Remembering how abusive these relationship were and how abusive my friendships were with other people at this time in my life makes me sad for that lost child I was in college and in my 20’s.     

I am so grateful that I am strong enough to not let people like this into my world anymore.  I am so grateful that I never think these type of thoughts about myself anymore nor do I abuse myself anymore.  I am even grateful that there was a part of my soul crying for help in the form of massive panic attacks screaming for me to realize that what was happening in my life was wrong.  I am sorry it took me so long to wake up to that voice but I am so glad she never went away.  I loved my ex so much back then and always hoped he would love me back.  I now realize that he was so sick and unhappy with himself that it was not possible for him to love anyone in his life at that point, not even himself.   I am grateful that I woke up one day and decided to change myself and my life and that I had the courage to do it.

That life feels like a million miles away and not something I think about very often.   It’s strange because I have such warm and loving thoughts about my first relationship. I always tell people I would get back together with my first love in a heartbeat.  There was such love between us.  But with my second relationship, I just don’t allow my thoughts to go there.  It’s not something I think about.  It’s not something I want to go back too.  It’s not something I am proud of or want to revisit.  Maybe one day this will be different.  But for right now, the past is just left in the past.  I am at peace with it.  I just choose not to feel anything about the relationship or our past.   I did exchange an email with this ex around the holidays when he reached out for the first time since our breakup.  I honestly never thought I would ever hear from him again.  I ended my email back to him with “ Take care of yourself and just know there is a lot of love for you still in my heart”.  That is true.  There is love for this person and the life experience we had together.  But from a distance and a source that I do not visit often.  

Life is too good to live in the past.  Life is too wonderful to feel bad anymore.  I am so happy and grateful for everything that has happened to me because it made me who I am.  I would never give any of my past up because I finally love who I am.  I just want to focus on the positive and my life in the present because it’s so perfect and beautiful right now.  

Friends and Food

Yesterday I was reminded of a New York Times article I read a couple of years ago titled “Are your friend’s making you fat?”. I spent a good part of the day thinking about this article and my own personal journey. I was inspired and dare I say… A little jealous of Amber’s blog post about all the vegan/ raw food bloggers she got to see over the last week. I am so grateful for my friend Jen because without her own desire and interest in health, I may not have gotten as far into this whole topic/ life style change.

So I thought over how food and friends have affected my life over the last 10 years and if really thought about if I believed in what the article was trying to say. Do my friends and acquaintances really affect my food choices and my eating habits?

After spending an evening thinking about I dare say… I have to agree. …

To some parts of the article and only when thinking about my own life and my own journey. I don’t want to offend anyone nor make this a huge nightmare of a blog post but for the sake of my own journey, I have been affected by other people when it comes to my relationship with food.
But I am also affected by location of where I am living, traveling or visiting. And I am affected by my own mood and general wellbeing. There are so many factors going on but the one I want to focus on is the friendship/ relationship connection.

As I think back about my journey I see how this idea that other people affect me has happened throughout the years.
When I was living in NYC I became very small. I was around people that ate very healthy and very small amounts. I walked everywhere and I learned to say no to most food. When I lived in the Midwest, I gained weight. I was around people that liked to eat fried foods, not move very much and drink a lot. Seattle has always been a up and down city for me. I have friends that are all over the weight range. But I have noticed a shift lately. Because I am becoming so health focused I am moving towards more like minded people. It’s not a matter of judging people. I do believe you can be extremely healthy and also a larger size. But I am more attracted to people that are realistic and real about the relationship between food and how they are living their lives. This has been a natural progression and has happened slowly. I also find that people are becoming more attracted to spending time with me based on my healthy choices. I have spent numerous evenings taking friends to the RAW restaurant here in Seattle. I have been going over to friend’s houses to create RAW meals for them. I am introducing a new lifestyle to a lot of people around me while learning from already healthy people.
Last night I was talking with a friend about how I have noticed my friends that eat really healthy and do not struggle with issues with food have no emotions around food. It is not good or bad to them. It is just a neutral balance situation. I have been very influenced by this way of relating to food. It is something to be neutral about. Some days I will eat great and some days I might have a “treat” but there is no emotion around it but pure love.

I also find that what used to seem normal to me no longer does. And what does seem normal to me now is what tends to be normal to my healthier more balanced friends. There is an interesting quote from the article “Christakis and Fowler suspect that as friends around us become heavier, we gradually change our mental picture of what “obese” looks like and give ourselves tacit permission to add pounds.” So true! I have started to notice this with people around me. My mind set goes very relaxed when I am around certain groups of people and I tend to think about what I am eating. I look at things that are very unhealthy and some friends see these items as being fine. And I know the people around me feel the same way.

This does not mean by any means I will be dropping friends or refuses to see my friends that happen to be a larger size. That will never happen! I am just noticing for myself that I am influenced good or bad by the people around me. This leads me to want to be around healthier people while also being able to help my friends that want to lead a healthier lifestyle. I am never one to judge and I struggle with this issue so much myself that I totally understand where people are at on all sides of the health scale. Because I have been on all sides of the health scale.

But in truth I am finding that the healthier I get, some friends are simply disappearing. Not because of my actions but because …. I don’t really know why but I have some theories.

I have become boring to them. Without my desire to complain over unhealthy food and engage in unhealthy actives, I become less fun to be around. Unless, you want to go running with me, learn about raw foods with me, take a walk, play pinball etc. But if you want to sit in front of me and eat a burger while having me eat one as well…. You will be out of luck.

I think I am bringing up issues for them that they do not want to deal with. I am admitting that I have a problem and I am actively fixing it. But if my friends don’t want to admit to having an issue or are uncomfortable about admitting it, I am not going to be much fun around it. Unless you understand how healthy it is to face your fears and grow as a person!

Lack of similar interests. This one I understand. I am growing and my interests are growing. I want to expand my life, my mind and my body(in a healthy way). This includes change and a new direction and I am ok with this.

So far now I am just looking at this whole topic on a bigger picture scale and watching how my actions and choices change as I move towards a healthier lifestyle and while also allowing myself to change and grow as a person.

The Life Changing Natural Diet

Another lovely weekend...... I am dragging myself today to focus on the fact it is Monday. Oh how I wish I had one more day to continue the fun I had this weekend.

Last night I was reviewing the previous week in my head and you know what I realized? I am now eating RAW 4 days out of the week!!!! This change happened without me evening realizing it. Ever since I tried to go RAW in February I have backed away from trying to push myself into something I am not ready for. Or so I thought! I did not back away but I decide to make the transition a lot more natural. I stopped forcing myself to follow rules and started to just do what felt the best for myself while I also realizing that going RAW was something I was really interested in. It started slowly, my smoothie because totally raw, I started to pack my lunches during the week and then I found when I got home in the evenings the only thing that sounded or looked good to me was a nice salad.

I still struggle on the weekends because I want to be able to hangout with friends and do normal stuff. But I saw some differences this weekend. When I went out with friends on Friday night I ordered a huge salad and loved it! It has radishes in it so of course I had to order it. I then spent yesterday early afternoon with a good friend watching a soccer game from England in a pub. I packed a handful of radishes to eat while watching the game and trying not to drool as everyone around me ate a proper English breakfast. Of course, next to my radishes the English breakfast looked so heavy and kind ...... Well, kind of gross. It is getting easier over time and I know that sometime soon I will be eating 90% RAW.

My friend Jennifer and I have been talking a lot about health and beauty. She is also going through a life changing health realization and it has made my whole process easier to have a pal to talk with. We keep talking about how we need to put our journey into a book of some sort. We both have lost a lot of weight and yet neither of us feels deprived or unhappy at all. We both eat more now than we did before. We both are starting to glow from the inside out and we both are much happier than we have ever been. Where is all this coming from? The foods we put in our bodies!!! So hopefully we can figure out a way to share our stories with every one. We inspire each other everyday and want to share this with everyone we know!

One more exciting note before I start my day. This weekend I found out that my business mentor and dear friend moved away last month. I am somewhat sad but even more excited because I just found out she moved to Oklahoma City!!!! Which is of course, the same city I am dreaming of visiting so that I can attend The 105 Degrees Academy! And not only that but I also just found out they did a TED talk there!!! You can find the information here. To receive this email and find out my business mentor just moved there was what I consider a very strong sign of something new on the horizon.