Making Space and Standing Up For Myself

I have been changing a lot lately.  

It’s exhausting.  Change is hard.  Changing your career dreams is terrifying especially when you don’t have a very supportive manager.   I went from one wolf to another.  Same wolf- different clothing.  It’s frustrating but I know it’s not me. That’s the positive side to all of this.   I am showing up and doing the best I can.   It’s true when they say that  only 10% of managers are qualified to manage.  I look forward to the day when I am out of the corporate world and working for myself and building my empire.   

I have so much empathy for teenagers and college age kids suddenly.  All the growth I have gone through in the last couple of years has been painful and hard.  I had dinner with a dear friend from college on Wednesday that spends most of the year on the road touring with famous bands.  We were talking about the last 7 years of my life and he reminded me that I have been through some very dark moments and yet, I survived.   We laughed about the time he came to visit when I had just found out about my spine disease and I did not know if I would ever be able to walk again.   I had taken a massive amount of pain meds just to see him and ended up getting really sick at dinner.  Yet here I am 7 years later, still walking.   Sometimes it’s good to have an old friend remind you of how far you have come.

Monday I start a new job!  I was able to transfer to a position that is much closer to where my skill set is and at a higher wage.  I am so grateful to have such a strong and supportive network of former coworkers turned friends turned protective champions.   They all saw my struggles and banded together to get me into something better.  I am staying at my favorite company, just returning to a better division.  I am so excited!

My heart is so full of love and gratitude today. 

It’s going to be a stretch for me as I will need to learn new skills but ultimately it will open so many  more doors for me.  And its allowing me to get my company started just that much sooner. 

This has been a whirlwind of life lessons that I still need to process before I write about them but I will say they all center around power, confidence, strength, purpose and communication.   And now I need a power nap!

Update On The Everyday Stuff

I realized this morning that I have not updated lately on my everyday life.  So today is dedicated to the normal, the everyday things that make life what it is.

My job is good.  It's exactly what I wanted.  I have a flexible schedule.  I have a better manager and I am back at a company I love.   I come into the office most days but no one is watching me and the clock.   I deliver my work on time and I am given the freedom I need to be the best employee I can be.  Pure Bliss!
And I get to work from home whenever I want.  This is so important to me and my health!

I am slightly overbooked right now in life.   I need to clear my social calendar out a bit because I am feeling the frazzled side come out.   I haven't been able to just relax and read a book lately.  I haven't been writing as much as I need.   But I am doing so much good work right now that I am not worried. And I am connecting with friends so I am not ready to give up the frazzle just yet.

One big decision I made this week is I have decided that I am going to invest in some meal prep services for during the week.  I am so busy that making dinner at night is stressing me out.  I can afford to have meals delivered and if it means that I get to spend more time relaxing and taking care of other things during the week than I am going to invest in that right now.   It feels so good to make this decision.

So next week marks my first week!  I can't wait!
One of the many perks of working in the tech field. 

Love Does Not Fade

Sometimes my lessons around love takes years to learn.  This time last year I was learning a deep lesson about my first love.
Now I am learning about my second love.  Luckily for me I am learning this lesson with a little more space and less heartache than last year.

I truly loved the man I lived with for 7 years.  I wanted nothing more than for him to step into his mature and adult self and be the man that I knew he could be.  But when we were together that was just not possible.  After our breakup I had to shut down to him.  We went almost 6 years with no communication at all.  I moved on.  I thought very little about him.  I made a new life and I was happy.  But lately he has come back in small ways and I am being forced to confront my feelings.

I loved this man and I couldn't be the woman he loved in this world.

It crushes me to write that.  I wanted so badly to be this woman.  He was my world for years and when he left me and took up with someone else the next day, it was the worst feeling ever.  But out of survival I had to move on.  And I did move on.

But as my life moves forward and becomes this amazing magical place.  As my career takes off and as I begin to take the steps to launch my new company (more to come!)  I am starting to realize all the little places I miss this person more than I ever thought I would.  I miss him at night when I come home to my empty house.  I miss him when I get a promotion or raise and I want to hug someone and celebrate.  I miss him when I want to lay in bed with our animals and have a snuggle fest like we used too.

The thing is, I can't live in the past.  I know there is a part of me that misses those moments but I don't know this man anymore.  And he doesn't know me.  We are strangers.  And while I can sit here and announce to the world that there was a point in time that I really loved this person.  I don't know what he is like now.  I don't know if he is worthy of being with me.  And his silence mixed with passive and odd attempts at communication make me realize that it's probably for the best that we remain distant.  Because I would want him to stand in his power and realize he is the amazing person I see him to be. And to be that person, he would need to be strong and secure and available and I just don't know if he is any of those things.

So  my lesson right now is yes, I loved this man with all my heart.  I will always love this man.  I don't think about our relationship or the past in a negative way.
But sometimes love from a distance is a good thing. 

Threshold

Threshold : the point or level at which something begins or changes

I am at this place where everything is connected and making sense.  I meet with a coach and they tell me what my next step is.  Suddenly someone arrives in my life that is exactly the person I need to take that next step with.  It's amazing.

This happened just last week.  I met with a new magic coach and she rocked my world.  But she also said I needed to look into a 5 elements acupuncture body worker.  I needed some work done to help me find the missing piece.  I happened to stumbled across the website for 5 Lights Acupuncture and felt drawn to meet with Amber.  From the moment we spoke on the phone it felt like we knew each other.  We have never met but it feels like we have been friends forever.  Divine timing made it so she had a 2 hour opening on the new moon which was perfect because this new moon had a power punch to it.

As I filled out the forms in the office I got to the part where it asked "What medical condition brings you in today?".  I wrote down,  I am not here for a medical condition but I am here for a magical condition.  When we had our getting to know you session and she read this she laughed and got excited.  She said she has never had a client come out and say that's why they were coming to see her and she was fully on board to help me in my quest.  I explained in detail why I was coming to see her. That I am preparing to launch a new life but I need to do some work before I can launch this exciting new project.   And that I need to be balanced before I launch the new project because I am the type of person that will throw myself so much into building my business and my career that I forget to feed my soul and my heart.

She totally got it and is excited to be working on such a unique and personal journey.  We had our session and I left feeling amazing.  One interesting note is that my 2nd and my 7th chakra's were totally balanced.

She was not surprised about my 7th chakra being balanced.

But the 2nd chakra did surprise her.  Based on this understanding on the 2nd chakra, I am not surprised.

The rest of my chakras were wonky so there is work to be done.  But  this insight gives me real excitement for what's coming next.  And for my work with Amber.  She is a true light worker and magician.  I am being guided at this point to exactly what I need at every step in a way I have never been guided before.  My needs are being met in such a super way that I just feel this constant flow of love and gratitude towards the universe and everyone.

I also just signed up for Hannah Marcotti's Making Magic Circle group.  I am so excited to be a part of this program.  Life is in full color now and I am wake up every morning grateful for another day to experience it.

Needing To Hear Something, Even If It Is Not What I Want To Hear

This weekend was magical in every way possible.   I was feeling very neutral about Valentine’s day which is the best place for me to be about this holiday.  I have never been with someone that has wanted to celebrate this holiday.  I am not huge into the holiday but as I get older I have come to realize that it’s not even about this holiday.  It’s about being with someone that wants to celebrate our relationship.  I have never been with a partner that has been thoughtful enough to realize how special our relationship is/was until it’s too late.   So Valentine’s day always has been a bit of a double edge sword for me.  

This year I decided to give myself the weekend I deserve.   I was going to be my own valentine!  

It started on Friday when I decided to work from home and relax.  I lit my candles and got cozy in my home.   Then in the afternoon I took myself to the spa for some much needed attention.  I got all the beauty treatments I have been delaying as I changed jobs.   It felt so good!   I then went to my special doc and found out that I have lost even more weight.  I now weight the lowest I have weighed since I was in my early 20s.   I am still in shock that one simple medical condition could have caused years of pain and suffering.   As long as I am losing I will stay on my treatment and just see what happens.  I feel great and I am so happy to be returning into my body that feels like a true reflection of who I am!

Then Saturday morning I went to my hair stylists and changed up my look.   I have returned to being a brunette.  I love it!  Being blonde was fun but brown is what feels right.   I ran errands and took myself out and met up with some special friends.   I wore my cashmere poncho and my sunglasses and met the most handsome man in the world.  It was a brief encounter but reminded me how great this city can be.  A handsome man wearing a green lantern shirt on a sunny Seattle day.

Sunday morning I had a call with my magic coach that rocked my world.  This is where I needed to hear things even if they are not what I wanted to hear.   I have my next move in my career coming to me.  I can clearly see it and I am ready to take the leap but she said it’s not time.  I can do it but not without the one ingredient I am missing at the moment, it won’t be as powerful and I know deep down she is right.   This missing ingredient will require me to sit in transformation magic which is a quiet, dark  and mysterious magic.  It’s not manifesting magic.  It’s the opposite.  It’s the magic that happens when you totally let go and just do nothing.   It’s the hardest magic for someone like me to do.   And this is exactly why I have to do at this moment in time.  

So here I sit.  It will be hard not to do magic because at this point even just thinking about things seems to be causing magic to happen.  Which means I have to clear my mind of the topic.  Ugh!  Not an easy thing for me to do.  But what my coach said feels so right and so true.  I could start my new path but it won’t be as powerful and beautiful without this missing piece.  So I let go and I let the magic happen.

One interesting thing that happened over this Valentines weekend was someone from my past that I am not friends with on Facebook liked some of my photos.  In the past this would have caused me to break down and cry and probably throw up.  The love and pain I had with this person was so strong and intense.  And yet now…. I don’t know what or how I feel now.   

I didn’t respond.  It was strange timing.
It was an odd move considering my page is private and we are not friends in Facebook land or real life.   This person left my life and we have had almost no contact for over 5 years.   This person did serious damage to our relationship and to any future relationship we could have.  However, there is this part of my heart that feels like, if this person has truly changed.  Maybe.  

Maybe there is a chance they have actually grown in a way that could mean something?
But I am not a back-up plan.   I am not a trip down memory lane freak out on valentine’s day.   I am so much more than that and I require so much more than before.  This person would need to do some serious soul searching on their side to think about who I am now and who I have become since we parted.  Have they have become a person worthy of being in my life since we were last around each other?  Are they living a life that makes them worthy of being the kind of person that deserves to be in my life now?  Maybe? But they would need to make it known and they would need to do the work to tell and show me.  

Magic is the fact I let this whole situation happen and I didn’t respond or let it hurt me.  But I also let my heart stay open to let magic do what it needs to do because there always is that maybe.  Maybe this person is something to me that is more than just a dark memory?  I don’t know and that’s the point.  I have to just sit with the nothing. 

Admitting MyTruth

Thanks to my work with the Magic 17 Devotion group, I have finally started to admit to my truth in a safe place.  I have admitted to bits and pieces of it on my blog but I have never fully owned it in a public way because for some reason I am scared to own it.  

Why?

What is it about my truth that I am so afraid of?  Why would admitting to the world that I believe in and practice magic on a daily basis be such a scary thing?  Why is admitting that this is something I have been doing my whole life be so hard for me?  Ever since I was a child I have had personal truths around magic and a way of living in magic that were not taught to me.  It was just something I knew.  I was born with it.  I hid it for a long time out of embarrassment and shame.  I found mentors when I was a teenager but then late puberty hit and I discovered boys that not only did not believe in magic but actively made fun of it.  And when faced with believing in my own power or giving it away, I gave it away.  I reclaimed it for a bit between relationships but again, gave it up for another person.  The pattern continued.  Each time I gave away this power, I felt a little piece of my soul floating away but not my whole soul. My magical soul has always been there and will always be here.

I now want to claim this truth and go public with it in a big way.  I want to integrate the magic into my whole life because I can’t keep living two separate lives.  I can’t have this amazing magical life hidden away when I am single that disappears once I get into a relationship.  And I can’t date someone that can’t handle the fact that I can speak my dreams into reality and watch them manifest before my eyes.  I can’t deny the fact that I can create magic very easily and do so a daily basis.  It’s doesn’t feel right anymore to hide.  I no longer fear for my safety or need to be hidden when it comes to magic.   I want to share with the world everything I know and I want to help others find that magic in themselves because we all have it.   We all have access to it.  We all can create magic in our lives and we should.  Nothing feels better than living a magical life. 

I promise you.  

Nothing feels better than living a peaceful, spiritual and magical life.