Love Does Not Fade

Sometimes my lessons around love takes years to learn.  This time last year I was learning a deep lesson about my first love.
Now I am learning about my second love.  Luckily for me I am learning this lesson with a little more space and less heartache than last year.

I truly loved the man I lived with for 7 years.  I wanted nothing more than for him to step into his mature and adult self and be the man that I knew he could be.  But when we were together that was just not possible.  After our breakup I had to shut down to him.  We went almost 6 years with no communication at all.  I moved on.  I thought very little about him.  I made a new life and I was happy.  But lately he has come back in small ways and I am being forced to confront my feelings.

I loved this man and I couldn't be the woman he loved in this world.

It crushes me to write that.  I wanted so badly to be this woman.  He was my world for years and when he left me and took up with someone else the next day, it was the worst feeling ever.  But out of survival I had to move on.  And I did move on.

But as my life moves forward and becomes this amazing magical place.  As my career takes off and as I begin to take the steps to launch my new company (more to come!)  I am starting to realize all the little places I miss this person more than I ever thought I would.  I miss him at night when I come home to my empty house.  I miss him when I get a promotion or raise and I want to hug someone and celebrate.  I miss him when I want to lay in bed with our animals and have a snuggle fest like we used too.

The thing is, I can't live in the past.  I know there is a part of me that misses those moments but I don't know this man anymore.  And he doesn't know me.  We are strangers.  And while I can sit here and announce to the world that there was a point in time that I really loved this person.  I don't know what he is like now.  I don't know if he is worthy of being with me.  And his silence mixed with passive and odd attempts at communication make me realize that it's probably for the best that we remain distant.  Because I would want him to stand in his power and realize he is the amazing person I see him to be. And to be that person, he would need to be strong and secure and available and I just don't know if he is any of those things.

So  my lesson right now is yes, I loved this man with all my heart.  I will always love this man.  I don't think about our relationship or the past in a negative way.
But sometimes love from a distance is a good thing.