Calm after the storm

Sometimes I just have days where I want to cry.   Today is one of those days.  Nothing has happened to cause me to feel this way, it’s just that the last year has been extremely hard on me.  I was forced to release and walk away from a lot of people, places and things.  It has been a very hard and trans-formative year.   I had to embrace a lot of change about who I am at the core level and I had to become that change to survive. 

And I did all this alone. 

I don’t normally mind being single.  It allows me to create the life I want from the ground up.  Right now the life I want is to live in the city, work a kick ass job in marketing and take care of myself while climbing the corporate ladder.   But in 10 years from now the life I want will be living in the country with my partner, on a farm and creating our world together.  Or it will be me living in the country alone creating the life I want.  Either way, there will be change and I am working towards it.   

But last night I pushed myself to exhaustion at the gym and I became sad.   It probably has to do with exhaustion from the gym, stress from work and the fact that I am in the midst of making new friends that connect with my new life.   I fell into bed after the gym and just felt a lot of feelings all at once.   

Today I am still feeling those feelings at work and it’s hard.   I want to be happy again like I was 2 years ago.  I want to wake up every morning excited and happy for my day to start.   I want to feel love in my life and new beginnings not what I am feeling now which is a lot of endings.

I know this is a natural process but it’s hard!

And sometimes I just need a hug.