Today

This morning was filled with writing at Cafe Fiore in Old Town Ballard. I have had a writing assignment for myself that was given in the beginning of June. However, with my health crisis I had not been able to work on this project but because of my birthday coming up and the monster life changes I am starting to implement, I decided that this morning was the morning to leave the house and office and just focus on myself.
I had the Seville drink which includes bittersweet coca and orange zest. It was not overly sweet and the flavors were just right for my stomach. I am for the most part of a totally fresh diet with coffee and toast thrown in as treats. I was able to stand and write which is better on my back and this marked the first morning I have been able to leave the house alone and not go to a doctors office. It was nice. I had to leave after only an hour because my leg started to bother me but I am very grateful for that hour I was able to do something I had been trying to do for months.

Yesterday was another hard day for me. The large scale life changes of my situation has started to sink in and my understanding of life as I have known it will never be repeated has finally hit me. I am no longer the same person. I have met various people as I traveled in life who always had these health issues that changed their lives or robbed their lives of what they were doing just prior to the injury. I had never been able to relate since all my health issues started so early and I was always able to bounce back right away. But not this time. I can now join the club of health related life changing events and the aftermath it leaves behind. But I am lucky that I had enough time to prepare for it that my company remains intact and running smoothly!

This weekend that just passed allowed enough sunshine for me to walk around Green Lake with two wonderful lady friends of mine. They are both kind enough to take the time and walk really slow with me as I begin rehabilitation to be able to walk again. It is hard. I feel and must look like an old person trying very hard to move. It is such a difference from five months ago where I was a busy bee. But with each step I hurt less and it's one step closer to healing.

This holiday weekend coming up marks my family birthday celebration. I am having a very small and intimate affair with my family to celebrate my birthday but also and more importantly to celebrate my family and the love and help they have provided for me as I return to a more normal and social life. My nephew will really be the bell of the ball and I have requested digital camera's to be brought so I can photograph him. Actually this was something I was realizing I really need to purchase along with a PC computer. Maybe I will just go ahead and purchase these two items. I know my life will be different with them and I know they will really benefit my company. I just am scared because they feel like such huge purchases.

Ok, I am off to read the new Paulo Coelho book, Brida and rest. I need to conserve my energy this week so I can be fully present for this weekend.

Trying for a normal day tomorrow

I have made plans for a walk around green lake with my good friend Jennifer and then we are off to a bookstore to look for something new to read to help my brain come back. All the medication I have been on has made my brain feel soft. So soft in fact that I was thinking about getting cable tv. This is bad.... I have not have TV since 2002 and I don't miss it. But lately I have been learning all about these great TV shows like Brothers & Sisters, The Office and 30 Rock. So for now i will fight the TV temptation and get back to making candles and renting DVD's.

This week is my birthday week and the first week I will be in my studio making candles since June. I am really looking forward to getting my routine back with candles, taking care of my health this week and next Sunday is a small family party that I am really looking forward too. I even invited a few friends to meet my family so it should be a good bbq.

So much has changed since my birthday week last year. Jennifer took me out for dinner that night. It was a very quiet and low key birthday year. This year there was a party for me last week and another party this week. This will be a reflection week for me and I am sure I will blog about it. I am going to sit down and go over all the changes that have happened in this year. I want to look at what I have accomplished since last August and where I want to go for the rest of the year. Of course we all know it includes a lot of doctor visits. I am starting Physical Rehabilitation soon and I have a long way to go to get back to where I was just 4 short months ago. But I am ready to give my back and body the attention it needs.

I received notice today about the craft sale I was a part of last Thanksgiving in The Berkshires. I am planning on returning this late fall to the area for another sale. I need to check if that craft show is still happening or I may have another outlet to sell my candles. I will keep everyone updated on my traveling plans and future candle sales.

Getting better everyday

You know it's bad when the cashier at the local grocery store is excited when I tell them that I am doing OK for the day. Today the cashier said "Coming from you, I know OK is a good thing". This is actually a really sweet story. I have been shopping at that Grocery Store for almost 20 years and many friends that I grew up with worked at this store. So this little store is a piece of my past and has survived the big bigger stores moving closer to the neighborhood. And yet I know when I walk into this store, there is a feeling of family history in this store. Years of shopping there with my grandfather, my father and now my nephew.

Yesterday morning I got a whole two hours with my nephew. He tired the both of us out but it was amazing. We spent time outside creating new games, learning new words and enjoying the cooler weather. Today I meet with a new doctor that is in charge of my rehabilitation. It is a long road ahead but I am finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I even have the desire to cook and get back into my studio.

I have been thinking a lot about what has happened to me this summer. I have started to call it "The summer that changed my life". I am finally able see this while situation as a life lesson that will change my whole life. This idea has become less daunting with every good day I have. My life will never be the same as it once was, but I can now finally put my health and my well being first. In fact, I am pretty much forced to put these things first. But I know that this situation is helping me to create the life I truly want to live. I have already witnessed changes in me that are self loving and protective towards myself.

And to top it off, for the first year ever, I have let my friends to celebrate with me, how wonderful I am. There was a party given for me last Saturday that was a huge love fest for my friends that had not seen me since my injury. Before the summer that changed my life I would not have allowed such an event. I would not have slowed down enough to allow someone else to take care of me. But now, I understand how loving this party was. Not just for myself, but it was a loving thing these people did for everyone that came to the party, and it was a loving thing that they did for themselves. Does this make sense? Sometimes my words and thoughts get all twisted in my mind and i have a hard time writing it down. But as I keep experiencing this new life, I will keep writing about it until it makes sense.

What I love today

Ah Garnet Hill I love you!


I have been staring at the new Garnet Gill catalog and wishing that I could make a candle for Garnet Hill in exchange for whatever I want out of all the products they sell. It would be amazing to meet the designers from this company and take a tour of their headquarters. Garnet Hill is one of the few companies that I receive the catalog from and buy things. They have a special place in my heart. Next time I go to my studio I am going to start creating a garnet hill candle to starting changing my bedroom and then my wardrobe into one from the catalog.

Another day, another doctor. I have now seen more than 3 specialist and each person tells me something different. So far I am leaning towards the holistic plan. I will start an intensive physical therapy routine along with a weekly accupunctucter session and daily walks. I am also going to see a nutritionist and massage therapist as well as others on a more long term basis.

Actually it is not so bad. I am very lucky to be making candles full time and not working at a corporate job. I can focus on my health right now and maintain my company.

Coming back to Life

What a trying time it has been lately.
Life has been dealing some pretty heavy lessons lately. These lessons become larger and mean more than when i was younger. But i like how I have been dealing with these lessons. I am growing up and learning to turn all these blows into positive life changes that I can be proud of.

After almost three months of being bed ridden experiencing the worst pain I have ever felt in my body and becoming totally helpless and unable to function without the love of friends and family. My first doctor told me I need a very servere surgery that would have left me a year to recovery from and more complications to arise from the surgery, as I get older. I do not cry often but just the thought of this surgery caused me to cry and become fearful for my body and life. I never have felt as weak and vulnerable as I did when thinking about getting this surgery.

However, after waiting a month to see the best back doctor in Seattle and learning more about my condition or disease that is affecting the disks in my back, I feel like I have been given a second chance. With the guidance and information that this docotr has shared with my family and myself, I am sure that I can stop this disease from becoming worse and I maybe be able to reverse it a little bit. No surgery required right now and maybe none in the future. So for the next six months or longer, I am going for a total life makeover. I will be meeting with Physical Therapists, accupuncterist, Yoga and Pilate teachers and other people that can guide me to a healthier lifestyle and mindset. I feel like I have truly been given a gift for a second chance and I do not want it to pass me by. So my candles and my body will be the only two things I will be focusing in life for now.

After this whole experience life seems a lot faster and fragile then before. I feel my worldview has opened up and I see that my little spot in this universe is so small and yet touches so many. Oneday you could wake up where everything has changed from what it used to be, but this is not a bad thing. This little area, my spot in life is mine to create, change, evolve and learn to love. Like a garden I must tend too my spot and make sure that it is healthy.

I am looking forward to my annual trip back to the North East. I can't wait for the fall to arrive. I think it maybe my favorite time of year, actually thats not true. Maybe it is just my new mindset but the rythem of each season makes my heart warm. Fall is when my little nephew will start school for the first time ever. Fall is when production at Odessa's Herbals starts to heat up. Fall is when the best feeling in the world is a warm cup of tea, my favorite cashmere sweater and a walk with Ahmi.

Speaking of walks with Ahmi, I should get outside and give my body a nice evening walk with my father and dog.