Free Time

Without having to worry about finding a new job and with my business class ending, I am suddenly faced with a lot more free time. It feels odd to wake up not stressed about life. I have not been able to wake up full of stress since before my spine injury. Now I wake up happy and excited. I know that there will be challenges ahead and I still have many areas to focus on but for that brief first few moments in the morning... I wake up a grateful and hope filled woman!

So with all my new free time I have been cooking. I love to cook and find it a very creative release. I love mixing flavors and trying new things. It also does not help me that Bravo has been replaying Top Chef which if I watch while cooking... Well let's just say I can get in a lot of trouble! So I have been cooking, jogging and spending time with family and friends. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am really enjoying this time of year. Yesterday I signed all my paper work for my new job so I now I can have fun for the rest of the year. I am even thinking about making a couple of candles for people. I feel that spark of creative energy is back in a big way!

Times are changing!

Wow!
After six grueling months of looking for work, I am happy to announce I accepted a position yesterday!!!!

This has been an extremely tough time for me. September and October were very dark periods that I hope never return. Being out of work at this point in time is a very painful, life changing and ego shattering experience. It often felt like a roller coaster ride just trying to keep my head above water and not give up. I had to change my lifestyle, my mental mindset and almost everything else just to survive. It has been tough but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am so grateful for this!

I start my new gig around the first of the year so I get to sit back and enjoy the holidays. I have a couple of weeks to get my life in order and get ready to return to work. I also get to really, truly relax in a way I have not been able too since this summer. I don't have to worry, feel guilty or frustrated. I can spend my time enjoying life, volunteering and making small presents to express to people how grateful I am to have them in my life.

What feels very special about this whole experience is that when I realized I had stopped dreaming and started my new positive dream journal, one of the first entries was about my new job. I described the team, the work I would be doing and the time frame of when this new job would come to me. I really felt connected to this job and knew it would happen. Something in that single action just clicked in my brain and I knew the job was coming my way. I then let it go right after I wrote my journal entry and I focused on just trying to enjoy life. I did not stress when it appeared the time line was getting close. I did not doubt that my dream would not come true. I did not let false pathways get me down.

I did my part of the journal entry. I interviewed. I kept applying for jobs. I met and spoke with everyone I could about my situation. But most importantly I lived life. I spent time with family and friends. I worked out with my dog. I started painting again. I cleaned my room. I cooked dinner. I basically lived my life with the knowledge that the right thing would happen in my job search.
And it did!

It has been a long time since I worked on manifesting positive things in my life. I suffered this summer from a crisis of faith. I struggled to understand what was happening in my life and worked very hard not to be upset about it. I felt so alone and powerless. But today I realized that I faced my crisis of faith and worked through it. Tough times still happen. I had someone crash into my car the other day while I was in it. I broke a crown last night. I still don't have all the answers in my life but I have been able to gain some of my faith back. I have been able to see experience what real joy feels like and I have been able to keep my head above water. These are all wonderful things in life!

Little Miracles

Small little miracles are starting to add up!

I have made some changes lately in life and within a few weeks I am seeing huge results. I came to realize lately that I was stuck in life. I was stuck in the way I was living, thinking, what I was doing and even what I was writing about. So I decided to make three little changes that have meant the world to me.

1. I started running at night. For all of you that know me, the fact that I can even walk at this time in life is a miracle. So for me to be able to run every night and not have any back pain is truly an amazing miracle! For the first time since I was a teenager I am loving working out. I wake up in the morning and just want to work out. Even if I go out at night with friends I always come home a little early and take the dog out for a run. It has been my form of mediation and I can see the results in my mind and body. I am loving it!

2. I started to dream again. I was so focused on what went wrong in my life with my illness I had completely stopped dreaming of what I wanted to create in life. So I started my dream journal and took to this challenge like a painter to canvas. I put some red over here, some blue over there. I stepped back to see where I am and where I want to go. I realized that I just needed to see my life and my accomplishments in a different light and with a slightly different view and BAM! Life become this beautiful canvas again. I am so happy to be in this wonderful, creative and beautiful space again.

3. I started listening to music that I have never listened to in life. Which in itself does not seem like that big of a deal but it has forced me to go outside of my box and that is where the magic lies. I never liked country music but I have been listening to nothing but country for the last few weeks and I love it. I think because it symbolizes to me that I am working towards changing myself, my thoughts and my life, country music has become this little secret that I love.

With these three actions I feel the tide shifting in my life. I have three very exciting meetings this week with people I consider true hero's. One is a trend expert that travels all over the world and gives lectures about global trends, one is an import-export product development expert that has produced signature lines for all the major companies in this world and one is a social media guru who also throws the most amazing dinner parties. These are all strong women that are doing what they are passionate about and I can't wait to break bread with them and catch up. I have not been able to see any of them since I had my injury and it feels so good to be getting back to networking and hearing about people who do what I one day hope to achieve as well.

Lastly, I stumbled up this amazing blog entry about the changing economy, business world and how do you create meaningful experiences for your customers. This is something that I have been really interested in for the last few years. So many companies portray themselves as being these amazing companies but when scratched at the surfaces it becomes clear they are purely profit driven and willing to treat employees, customers and even the environment like trash. My first hand experiences of this are from major companies that are known globally. It's amazing how imbalanced this world is. I want a forum where people can name these companies and tell the world how truly bad they are. This is not the right place for that but it does make me think a lot about how to succeed in business as not just a company but one that is doing right for all of it's stakeholders. Umair Haque and Frog Design really have touched on a lot of wonderful points that make me excited for the future of business. Let's focus less on profit and more on meaningful impact and social engagement with customers as well as employees. Let's change the world together!

What a wonderful week

This week turned out to be wonderful! Just a little change in my thinking and starting to dream again, I am turning things around. I can't believe how much the little steps and permission for myself to dream has allowed me to attract so many positive experiences this week.

I went to the University of Washington this week to a lecture about MBA programs and if this is the right next step for me. It was so interesting and being back on the campus felt so good. My senior year in high school allowed for me to do a month's worth of research on the UW campus and I loved it. I walked around the campus a bit before my lecture and saw so many interesting posters of upcoming lectures and past lectures. I was able to look around Paccar hall which is where the Foster School of Business - UW's MBA program is housed and it made me giddy with excitement. I realized that I really want to start working on applying to school. I also learned that I am closer than I realize to being able to apply for an MBA program. I don't have to take as many classes as I thought I would and I was given the information I needed about what classes to take.

Along with my adventures at the UW, I also started my positive dream journal. It felt a little strange at first because instead of recording what was happening in my life, I am recording what I want to create in my life. But this has been one of the best projects I have created for myself. I am able to dream again and my excitement for the future is returning. Life is becoming more of a canvas than a finished piece of art. I enjoy the idea of using the same methods that I built my first company on to build my next adventure in life.

And to top it off I have a very busy and fun weekend planned. Loads of dinners with good friends, parties and snow is even scheduled for the mountains which means my dream of learning to snow shoe is only weeks away! Positive energy is all around me right now and I am looking forward to next week.

What do you want?

Yesterday I spent a wonderful day with a friend from the East Coast. She was visiting her family that is in the Northwest and wanted to catch up since I had not see her since I left in June. We worked together and shared a very similar path in the Berkshires. This friend left a few weeks after I did and returned to her home on the East Coast.

Yesterday we sat at looked at the water while we chatted about life. She was just what I needed. The last few weeks have been good but I have also been in a funk. School is going really well and I have my next classes picked out. But in other area's of my life I have just been down. My friend gave me a suggestion on how to approach the day. She made me realize that I was getting lost in the overwhelming big stuff and forgetting about the little things that are more important. She suggested I wake up every morning and think about what I want for that day. Nothing more. Just "what do I want for the day"?

So this morning I woke up and thought about what I wanted for this day. It was easier than I thought it would be and it did bring a level of peace I have not felt in a long time. I have my day planned and I feel good about it. I can now move forward without feeling overwhelmed.

I also realized while talking with my friend that I am not visualizing what I want in life. I used to be so good at thinking things into my life and seeing manifestations all around me. But somehow after being sick and recovering I lost my desire to dream. I lost my creative way. I lost my direction. So starting today when I think of even the smallest desire that I would like to bring into my life I am going to write it down. This will gradually over time provide me with a larger picture of what direction I want to take. It will also provide insight that I may not be seeing into my life. But more importantly it just sounds fun to me. And while being creative with the larger picture things I can keep asking myself.... What do I want with today?

My mind has been exploding

School has been such a wonderful treat for me. I can already see myself using what I am learning in my everyday experiences. I think about articles I read differently, I look at products and business reports differently, I even watch movies with a different eye. This has been one of the most exciting transitions in my life.

Besides working on creating my next project and school work... I am just taking it easy. I am settling into a new notion of my life post illness and doing the emotional recovery that I had to put off. It has been challenging but necessary. I have a couple of friends that have dealt with serious illness and we talk about when the body begins to recover there is a lag time for the emotional side to recover. Sometimes we joke about starting a support group for lives interrupted by illness. Sometimes we complain about it but mostly we realize that time has become a different measure for us and we move forward gratefully and gracefully. I do wish there was more support for people in this situation. As I get older I witness more and more of my friends that join this group of people. It is not easy to be taken out of the working world and community while trying to return to health. And without a large amount of money in the bank it can become almost impossible for people and their families.

Enough of that. I am healthy and getting back into the world so I should be focusing on having fun. There has been a lot of fun events around town lately. Every weekend has been fun filled these last few weeks. It's been amazing weather and a wonderful dry fall. Perfect weather for having fun!

changing my story

Wow!
School is really blowing my mind. It has been challenging everything I think about myself and my life. I did have a couple of anxiety attacks at the start of class but then once we got to the open discussion part of class I realized that I need to change my story. I need to embrace this different side of myself. The side of myself that is successful and happy to be doing well in school. I had someone sit next to me and at one point during class tell me he was glad to be sitting next to the smart person in class. This has never been my role in life.

So this week I am working on changing my story. I am challenging myself to do well in school and not worry. I am thinking about what role I play in situations and if this the role I want to play or if there is something better out there for me. My story is in the midst of changing and I am excited to see where it goes.

School starts tomorrow!

I have had a dream for almost ten years now that I tried to ignore. I waited and hoped it would go away. I told myself a million reasons why I could not go for it. I started my own company in hopes I could get around the dream. I changed jobs, locations, and even most of my life in hopes that this dream would go away.

But alas, the dream has stayed alive and tomorrow marks my first step towards reaching my dream of an MBA. I am nervous, excited an scared all at once. For the most part I hated school. I hated college. I never felt good enough. I never was very interested in the classes. Once I realized that the teachers were going to only teach one way and because I learned a different way, I pretty much just gave up hope. I never thought to challenge myself in area's that might be off my beaten path. I just sort of sailed through the motions of college and got a degree because everyone told me I was too smart not to have one. But then a funny thing happened. Once I was able to breathe and think about what I was really interested I started to yearn to go back to school to study what I wanted to study.

This is a giant step for me. I am not unrealistic in my thinking. I know that due to my learning disabilities I face a harder time in school than most. This is not an easy thing for me to do. My brain works different than most and school has not been very much fun for me. But things are different now. I am different. I have a dream and a passion that will not go away. So tomorrow marks a very important day. Tomorrow is the day that I officially return to school and prove to myself that I can do better this time around.

I am already half way done with my text book for my course. I am starting slow and taking one class at a time to test the waters. I am also working full time so I don't want to do too much in case my spine gives me trouble. So far I am loving my text book and even know some of the people high lighted in the book as business leaders to watch. It has been very exciting for me to return to going to coffee houses to read, study an write. I miss this type of life and I am so happy to return!

Mercury in Retrograde

This week has been very challenging. Mercury in retrograde is the only thing that I can blame for what happened. I don't much feel like going into it because it was kind of painful but I am now very sensitive to this Mercury business. Plus this Mercury in retrograde was in my birth sign of Virgo and I think this double kicked me in the tush.

I did sign up for my first business class and I am very excited! I also found out that the text book I bought earlier this summer to read for fun is the actual text book I will be using in my class. I am already half way through the book. This has made me feel less scared about starting school again and more inspired. I will have a little bit of an edge and hopefully I won't feel super overwhelmed once class starts.

In my spare time I have been reading Z.B.A - Zen of Business Administration. It has been very inspirational since I am always trying to figure out how to combine my two passions, Business and spiritual matters. It's a great weekend read.

So for now I am preparing to return to school, still catching up with old friends and looking for a new day time gig. I am very happy that fall has arrived since it might be my favorite season. I love the day when I have to bring out my cashmere sweaters and knee socks.

Full Circle

This week has been very interesting. My surrender box may be one the best inventions I have ever created for myself. So many issues have gone into this wonderful little box and so many changes and positive actions have come out. I am really amazed at how fast this little idea and box have changed my life.

This week I was offered a job at a company I left many years ago under very stressful circumstances. However, I am looking forward to going back. I feel like life has evolved for me and I can now return as the person I wanted to be all those years ago. This job came at the perfect time for me and I can now start my business classes. I was a little worried about returning to this company but then I realized that everything has changed over these last few years and there must be a reason for me to return. So I am now convinced it is divine intervention to get me back there and allow the healing that I have needed about this situation. I am excited and ready to start my new job and look forward to the sense of peace I will feel very soon.

So right now I am enjoying my last few days off before I return to the working world. I am walking, reading and writing as usual. My stress level has greatly decreased and I feel like I am finally getting off the hamster wheel I was forced on many years ago. Life has calmed down enough for me to really reflect and make changes that will last. I am letting go of so much baggage that has been in my way and I am evolving and healing. Life is good!

Birthday Celebration!

This year feels different. I can't quite put my finger on it but I so far I really like the changes.

I finished my intention list and compared to years in the past, I can see how I am evolving. This year my list was calmer, more evolved, more spiritual and I can see myself taking action to become the person I want to be. I hope this makes sense. I am not sure how to describe the changes but I can see them happening.

One exercise I came up with this week was to create a "Surrender Box". In this box I put all the areas and issues I need to surrender in. I am a huge control freak so this has been a good practice for me to learn to let go. Everyday I am surprised and amazed at how issues from my surrender box seem to resolve or change for the better. I am, little by little becoming calmer and less of a control freak. I am allowing changes to happen and I am so grateful for this simple idea. I look forward to opening my box in a few months and being able to take some of the slips of paper out and let them go completely.

I think my intention list reflects this change in my need to control. Instead of a birthday list of things I wanted I made this a birthday list in area's I want to grow and become a better person.

I am getting ready to leave for an evening with close friends in a cozy atmosphere where we will eat, drink and be merry! I am so grateful for all my birthday notes and gifts from loved ones. I have such a rich life and it just keeps getting better every year!

Time for Healing

These last few weeks have been a great time of healing for me. I have taken inventory of my life, my family and my social life. I have created some intentions for the next year and I have let go of things that are no longer serving me. It has been a very powerful last few weeks.

One thing I intend to do this year is have fun! I am making being active and socializing one of my top priorities. When the company was busy and I was healing there was little time to spend having fun with friends. As I venture back out into the world and start to think about the next thing I realized that I need balance of work and play. There is always more work to do in life but there is not always the chance to have fun. I have learned this the hard way. So this year is going to include having fun, meeting new people, trying new things and spending time with people that make me laugh.

Another intention this year is to open up more. I am guilty of hiding from myself, my family and my friends. This is not a good form of communication and a habit I need to break. I find even when things are going well I am still hiding parts of my myself... Good and bad. So I will slowly work on changing the bad and I will embrace the good! I will embrace my need for knowledge, my interest in business and my desire to exercise more. I will spend time with my girlfriends doing activities that are healthy and fun!

Which leads me to another intention. To keep being physically healthy. This may seem obvious but there are so many pieces of the health puzzle and it takes a while to put them all together. I just want to keep this intention fresh in my mind. It's always good to put it at the top of the list. Even when you are at the healthiest stage.

I am sure I will have more to post as I get closer to my birthday and my yearly reflection - intention creation time. I always have a lot to review every year and this year feels very different and very exciting.

Being back in Seattle has also brought healing to relationships from the old days. I was lucky enough to spend a day with a friend that 12 years ago was my best friend and that also in many ways broke my heart. We have always crossed paths over the last 12 years but never talked about what happened. I finally was able to let her in and let her know what happened on my side. It was such a healing an healthy exchange and now I can't wait for her to visit Seattle. Or.... Move back! I missed her so much over these last 12 years and I will continue to open up to her more. We both felt this was the right time for us to come back together and it was so magical how it happened. I am truly grateful for this summer and all the people that have come back into my life. For the first time in my 30's and I am truly happy to be right where I am at.

Back in the swing of things

It has been great to be back in this city that inspires me. I have met so many wonderful new people in the last few weeks and the summer is not over yet!

My good friend William has returned to Sweden and there is a hole in Seattle. It was great to have him home and to bring some closure to our friend Shaun's death. I will greatly miss spending my summer days with him.

But in more exciting news I have been meeting new business owners and getting very excited about my next company. This month has included fun talks with the owners of my new favorite place, Redwood . They are as passionate about food, atmosphere and Northern Exposure as I am. I look forward to more trips up the hill for fun discussions. I have also been slowly checking out all the new stores that have opened since I left town. It seems that Seattle has had an exciting last six months.

Made it home

I am home and very happy!

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of events. I packed up and left my life on the east coast. It was much needed. I made it to the Midwest where I went for a long weekend with people I care deeply for. It was great to see old friends, see the area where I went to college and just experience an important part of my life. I felt very loved and happy to be returning to old friends. They were just what I needed.

I then returned home to one of the best concerts I have ever seen. Aveo and Carissa's Wierd . The show was filled with old friends, emotional music and just happiness all around. The Aveo set list included a picture of myself and my best friend Shaun. Shaun passed away three years ago and we all felt his presence that night.

Then it was off to world cup fever, parties, dinners and many long walks around this beautiful city. So today I am tired and ready to return to normal life. There is other news to announce but I am so exhausted and it is still in it's early phase so I am not ready to ruin it yet But my heart is filled with love and I am very, very happy.

Action has been taken

Sometimes I feel like I move to slow. I think about decisions over and over in my mind. I talk with people I admire. I want to see if things are the right thing to do or not. But all this waiting and thinking can take it's toll and sometimes action just needs to be taken. That's what I experienced this week and I feel so much better.

I left my job this weekend and I am packing up to return home. I have enjoyed my time in the Northeast but this is not home for me. I miss Seattle. I miss the Northwest with it's wet weather and all.

On the right path

For the last six months I have taken a break. I challenge myself to a new town, a new job and a new way of thinking. What's wonderful about this challenge is it has brought me back to my core dream.

I have decided to go back to school! I am now starting to prepare for this journey by buying used text books in the area's I know I want to learn about. When I return to the Northwest I will also be returning back to school to go for my postbac second degree in Business and then it is off for my MBA. This has been a dream of mine for the last ten years but one I did not feel ready for at the time. But after these life changing last few years I now have the confidence and peace of mind to go for it. I do not want to feel like I am wasting what interesting and precious time I have on wishing I could be going back to school and starting my own company again. I want to be out there actively working towards this goal.

I received my first text book yesterday morning and I am already into chapter 4 with a brand new notebook full of notes. I am taking my time reading, digesting the information and really thinking about what I am learning. It felt like Christmas when I opened the shipping box to reveal my shiny slightly used text book. I immediately took the book and my notebook to the coffee house I live above and dove right in. It felt great. I then took myself out to dinner last night and again took my book and notebook and filled my time at mission with studying.

I feel the happiest I have felt in months. My energy is lighter and I am so excited about this new adventure. I know it is the best next step for me. When I return home I will be receiving all my business magazines and newspapers that I used to get and this will make me giddy. I love it when I have a goal. Life suddenly has meaning and a purpose for me.

My other plan for the rest of this year is to take a trip down to Palo Alto to visit Standford and the d. School....... Oh that will just be the icing on the cake but I always loved the icing the best.

I'm back

It has been a long time!

After taking many months to refresh and return to a balanced state of health, I am back! Sometimes we just need a new place, a few months to clear our heads and a 5 star spa to help us return to sanity. ( I worked at the Spa- I did not stay there)

So I am planning on packing up and moving back to Seattle. I plan on returning to school to start working towards getting my MBA. I am going to return to the tech world and return to my friends. This is the best decision for me at this moment an I am so excited to start the ball in motion. Lately I have been reading a book called The Blushing MBA . I bought this book when I was just starting to realize that I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to try an get an insiders look at what it might be like to return to school and in a field that is so far from where I was in college. While reading this book I realized that the most interesting and exciting parts were the list of classes they got to take while in school. Marketing, product development, brand development, international business, management and team building...etc... I went out and started to ordering some intro used text books to start preparing. I started to look at course descriptions online. I realized that I am really interested in business and I can't wait to get started on this adventure. I will miss the candles but I want to be able to learn to take my next company to the next level and for this I will need more education.

This has all been kind of a mind blowing experience for me since I did not really like school when I was younger. Nor was I very interested in anything that was business related. Or maybe it was just that the schools never realized my natural interests. Every since I was a young kid I always wanted to own a store. I loved the idea of running a little gift shop and always wanted to work for one. I grew up around artists and people that made their living making products. I sold my art at a young age. So maybe this interest has always been there. It's just now starting to take form and I am finally at a place where I have the confidence to act on this dream.

So that's where I have been. I am physically in great shape. I can now exercise and not be in pain. My energy has returned and I am clear headed. I have detoxed all the medications out of my system and I am in a very balanced place. I feel like I have gotten my spark back in life and I am taking good care of myself. It's a great place to be and I am glad I was able to return to this positive place after such a traumatic experience. Sometimes life throws curve balls and it take strength and determination to get through them. But once you are on the other side, there is a place that is better than from where you were. I don't mind that I got sick. I don't mind all the pain and suffering I was in over the last three years because I am excited about the future. I am excited to be healthy and able to be positive about the future again. I am excited to be alive.