Feeling Stronger

I am feeling stronger this week.  I have had a lot of closer about my relationship that just ended and I know I am making the right decision.  I have healed and am ready to move forward.  My feelings of loneliness have decreased and now I am just left with a peaceful and grateful feeling about my life.  I am also left with happiness!
I am now coming into the office smiling and leaving feeling really good.  I am no longer cranky or irritated.  I am happy to see my coworkers, I am rolling with the changes at work and I am getting a lot of work done.  It's a beautiful place to be.

I am also feeling more confident in life and secure in myself.  So many wonderful changes have happen over the last year or two.  I know I keep saying this but it's true!
I am one of those people that decided they wanted to change everything about their lives and then worked very hard to make these changes happen.  Everyday I am closer to my dreams with the knowledge I will one day be living that life I have always dreamed about.  And while I am working towards that day I am going to enjoy every moment of the process.

Tonight I am off to cocktails with my best lady friends.  Then I am relaxing all weekend since I have had insomnia this week and have not had more than 3 hours of sleep each night.  Which has done wonders for me at work.   I am on top of everything.  It's so weird.  But I know I will crash soon and I need that day to be this weekend.

Having a feeling

One of my older lady friends made me laugh really hard this weekend when she described how every time she starts to get upset she thinks "I am having a feeling".  She has to state it to describe where she is at.

I have to state this because I get so cranky and annoyed when I have a feeling other than just Joy.  But I have to say.... This weekend I spent the whole weekend in the depths of  "I am having a feeling".   It was a tough weekend for me. 

The feeling I am dealing with right now is loneliness.  Most of my friends were out of town this weekend and I am still dealing with my break up.  I was able to see some friends this weekend and had a lovely date with my nephew but I had a lot of loneliness to deal with.  I thought the break up would be easier than it has been.  Which is hard for me to deal with. 

I knew from the start there were issues around my relationship.  But I was hoping that maybe I was just being afraid to start something new.  But now I realize that these issues had more to do with my own fear of uncovering what I am currently dealing with.  Which is the fact that in some ways I am lonely in my life.

This is not to say I am unhappy.  No way!  The opposite is in fact how I feel about my life.  I am very happy.  I just realized that I long for someone to share my joy with.  I am up for an amazing dream promotion in the new year.  I am starting on the path towards grad school.  I LOVE my job!!!! (that's right.. I actually truly love my job).  I have this amazing family I am part of.  And I am one of the few people in this world that has fun in life and is fun to be around.

But I have to face the fact that part of me is lonely.  I have been very afraid to admit this for a long time because to me it was like admitting I was weak or something.  But now I realize that I can be happy and lonely at the same time.  That this feeling is not a sign of weakness but a sign that I am human and have a preference of being part of a couple. I never realized that I could be as happy as I am yet also have to deal with uncomfortable emotions.

So I am sitting with the admittance that I am lonely and I am working on ways to soothe this feeling.  I am gently reminding myself that this feeling will not last.  And that I have a part in working to fix this feeling.  I can do things that will open doors to situations which will help me to feel less lonely and closer to my goal of being in a partnership.  And I also have been giving myself props for becoming that person that I have always wanted to be.  I know that when I do meet someone, I am that attractive, interesting, and loving professional lady I always longed to be.  I have a lot of amazing things to bring to my next relationship and I am looking forward to meeting that person that will see how all my hard work has paid off.

Back To My Regular Life

After a lovely summer romance, I have made the decision to end it. 
This decision was not made easily as we were friends before dating.  But in the last month or so I became very aware that this relationship was not in alignment with what I want in life.

It's not his fault nor is it my fault.  It just is. 
I am trying to be as level headed as I can be about the situation.  I am lucky that for the first time in my life I have the confidence and strength to walk away before the situation could do any damage to me.  This is something I have been working on for years.  To put my desires and needs before other people. 

I am now adjusting to being single again.  It helps that I was offered a huge promotion starting next year on a new team but under my same director.  This dream job would involve traveling to major entertainment events all over the country and being part of a marketing group that is doing amazing things.  So I have been turning my focus back to my career.  I also applied for and was admitted to an evening program at the largest University in Seattle.  I will be studying Marketing Management with an eye towards continuing my current career.
There are so many positive things happening in my life that I am able to look at this summer relationship as being a huge growth opportunity for me.  I learned a lot about myself, I learned to love myself more than I ever thought I could.  And I learned that I truly desire a real partnership with someone that is an equal.  I want to be with someone that wants to create a life with me and cherishes our time together. 

So I look to the future, to positive changes and towards a wonderful Fall full of cashmere sweaters, hot tea, warm hats and thick tights under my skirts :)