Having a feeling

One of my older lady friends made me laugh really hard this weekend when she described how every time she starts to get upset she thinks "I am having a feeling".  She has to state it to describe where she is at.

I have to state this because I get so cranky and annoyed when I have a feeling other than just Joy.  But I have to say.... This weekend I spent the whole weekend in the depths of  "I am having a feeling".   It was a tough weekend for me. 

The feeling I am dealing with right now is loneliness.  Most of my friends were out of town this weekend and I am still dealing with my break up.  I was able to see some friends this weekend and had a lovely date with my nephew but I had a lot of loneliness to deal with.  I thought the break up would be easier than it has been.  Which is hard for me to deal with. 

I knew from the start there were issues around my relationship.  But I was hoping that maybe I was just being afraid to start something new.  But now I realize that these issues had more to do with my own fear of uncovering what I am currently dealing with.  Which is the fact that in some ways I am lonely in my life.

This is not to say I am unhappy.  No way!  The opposite is in fact how I feel about my life.  I am very happy.  I just realized that I long for someone to share my joy with.  I am up for an amazing dream promotion in the new year.  I am starting on the path towards grad school.  I LOVE my job!!!! (that's right.. I actually truly love my job).  I have this amazing family I am part of.  And I am one of the few people in this world that has fun in life and is fun to be around.

But I have to face the fact that part of me is lonely.  I have been very afraid to admit this for a long time because to me it was like admitting I was weak or something.  But now I realize that I can be happy and lonely at the same time.  That this feeling is not a sign of weakness but a sign that I am human and have a preference of being part of a couple. I never realized that I could be as happy as I am yet also have to deal with uncomfortable emotions.

So I am sitting with the admittance that I am lonely and I am working on ways to soothe this feeling.  I am gently reminding myself that this feeling will not last.  And that I have a part in working to fix this feeling.  I can do things that will open doors to situations which will help me to feel less lonely and closer to my goal of being in a partnership.  And I also have been giving myself props for becoming that person that I have always wanted to be.  I know that when I do meet someone, I am that attractive, interesting, and loving professional lady I always longed to be.  I have a lot of amazing things to bring to my next relationship and I am looking forward to meeting that person that will see how all my hard work has paid off.