Once a week

I am now at the point of my back issues that I have to see my Doctor once a week. With my condition getting worse I am needing to change medications at least every week so that I can sleep. Without my medications as soon as I fall asleep I have some nightmare of falling off curbs or cliffs and wake up screaming. What is happening during these dreams is that I am having major muscle spasms that causes my leg to move. No Fun!

But, I am really coming to peace with the situation. I know I will be better soon and that this break has really allowed me to catch up and get everything in my life into a calm and positive state.

This weekend was my nephews 2nd birthday. I hope to have some pictures of it soon. My sister threw a lovely BBQ with close friends of the family that I had not seen in a long time. My nephew was so good with all the people and kids around. He loved it!

This week will be pretty slow but I am hoping to get into the studio at least for a few hours. I miss candle making so much. Plus I have a dinner party on Friday that I am really excited about. I wish I had more to say but things have been calm lately and I am just happy to not be in as much pain as I was a couple of weeks ago.

The Sugar Queen

Last night I finished reading Sara Addison Allen's new book " The Sugar Queen". This book was lovely and a good summertime read. The only negative or not overly loving thing I would say about this book was that it was not magical enough for me. I love ancient herb lore, I love stories about wisdom pasted down by generations of wise women who helped cure the body, mind and spirit. Garden Spells, Sarah's first book catered to this need of mine. The book was filled with meals of intention, gardens full of mystery and secrets best kept not questioning.
However, the book was great and I highly recommend her as an author. She is someone I will keep as one of my favorite authors and I look forward to reading many more books by her.

Today I had lunch with my good friend Jennifer. It was great to be outside of my house and I can not remember the last time I saw Jennifer. I am on a new medication that has allowed a little more freedom in my life. I can walk and sleep more than I was last week. I am not healed and I know that all this medication is doing is covering up the severe amount of pain that I am in but it just feels nice to have a little bit of my life back. I have been unable to go out but once a week before this new medicine so I welcome the chance to go out a couple of times a week.

Jennifer and I will be making candles on Friday which marks the first time I will be back in my studio in almost a month. I miss making candles and getting into my studio. It has been hard to be away but I am lucky enough to have gotten ahead with my orders and I have found someone who can cover for me while I am waiting for surgery and healing.

Pow Wow

I love living by Discovery Park. At night we can hear the sea lions, the trains and a couple of weekends every summer there are Pow Wows that bring drum beating and singing to my window. It touches my heart every time I see the Daylight Center in Discovery Park, a building dedicated to the native Americas that used to live on this land and take care of it.
This building is also where my Grandfather's memorial service was. My grandfather grew up in Montana and spent most of his adult life in Washington DC as a Senator and Congressmen for Washington State. Native Americas were a top priority for him while he was in office many years ago. He was an honorary Blackfoot tribe member in Montana.

I have been thinking about him all morning. I am of course still bed ridden. The last time I had surgery was 15 years ago and my grandfather was still alive. I wish he was here now so I could ask him stories about Montana, Charlie Russell the painter that lived behind his house in Montana and what Washington state was like so many years ago.

But instead I will wait 30 rock, read some new books given to me by my good friend Kim and make cinnamon rolls.

The summer I spent in bed

This is quickly becoming the summer I spent in bed. My back condition is unfortunately getting worse by the day. I have endless doctor appointments and I know that I will be up and running soon enough but until I know exactly which surgery I am going to have, I have to lay in bed and just wait.

I am starting to get a little bored so I just got a new library card and I have been picking books to read. Every night I still am able to get up and take a small walk but it is getting harder and harder. Today I realized that for every decade I have been alive, I have had to have major surgeries. One was due to sickness but mostly now it just revolves around my back. I have never broken a bone but I have more scars than most people do. Some people get all the luck. I just keep thinking about what it would be like if I had this condition 100 years ago. Would I have survived being bed ridden? How did people survive pain that only the strongest pain killers on the market can help tone the pain down. That's right, my pain is so intense that it never disappears with the pain killers but numbs the pain enough that I can sleep for almost two hours without waking up.

I have been forced to slow down and rethink a lot of things in my life over the last few weeks. In many ways it has brought back part of my youth where all I wanted when I grew up was to live on a farm, grow herbs and really connect with nature. I wanted to help heal people and help them find meaning in their lives. This summer I am being forced by the universe to realize that I do not need to work a corporate job and have a company to live a healthy life. My desire to be successful is not about money, cars or material goods. My desire to be successful stems from wanting to live an authentic life, share my gifts to help people and be my own boss. All of this health stuff has shown me that the life I was living only 5 months ago was very out of balance and I now have time to bring balance back into my world.

So there are many positive parts about this journey. I wish that I did not have to get surgery and that I could move around pain free but I am also really happy to have such a wonderful group of friends and family that have provided amazing support and love.

In the next few weeks I will be having a fund raiser - studio sample sale - party for Odessa's Herbals.
I am lucky enough to have health insurance but I am also facing tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills once I have made it through all the operations. If you have any candles you would like to order for the sample discount please shoot me an email.
I greatly appreciate all the support and friendship that so many have shared with me.

A Few Hours At A Time

Well I am now only able to sleep a few hours at a time because of my back. I have some new appointments with back and nerve specialists in the next two weeks and hopefully will have an answer by the end of the month. I am exhausted and ready to return to a pain free life.

One nice thing about my life right now is that when I wake up around Midnight every night, I take my dog for a walk around the neighborhood. It is so quiet and peaceful at this hour. The moon hangs low over the Puget Sound and is a Carmel color. Ahmi loves her midnight walks. The air is cool, the streets are empty and the raccoons are hiding but around somewhere.

I am thinking with all this extra time I have while I am bed ridden that I should write a book about my experiences. Not everybody gets to have over three major surgeries before the age of 31. Life is a lot different when you can not walk or sleep very much. We shall see.