Living As-If

My decision last week to avoid dating has caused the universe to throw situations my way.  Where were all these people a month ago?

But I am staying strong in my decision to avoid everything until Jan 2015.  My heart can’t take any more pain and I am just not in a space where I want to deal with other people’s confusion over what they want.   This is a huge step in my confidence building.  I am putting my needs first.  I need to take care of myself and not let someone get close that is not on the same page as me.

This means I am fighting the urge to communicate with my people from my past.  I am focusing on my future and what I want.  I am holding strong the notion that I will one day find that big love.  I know it’s close.   I am using this time as my yummy time before I settle down.  Instead of living in desperation I am living as-if.   I am living like these are the last 6 months of my life where I will be single.  I am making plans of all the things I want to do before I settle down.  Classes I might want to take, places I want to visit, trips I want to take.  I am preparing for my big love with excitement and love for my life as it is.   It’s a total change of mindset for me and I am enjoying it.  I realized in the last couple of days that I this was my missing piece for my life right now.

Being Challenged

I am being seriously challenged by the universe right now.   I need to slow down, simplify and focus on my present situation because I feel like I am in over my head.   It’s not just work that is causing these feelings.  My personal and emotional life are also throwing me some interesting curve balls.   Let me see if I can break it down and help soothe my mind.

 - Work- This job it turns out is slightly different than the job I have been doing for the last 4 years.   This company is very different and that’s where the real problem starts.  My last company was very smart and detailed oriented.  People spent time on projects thinking them out logically and by the time it came to my part, I knew exactly what the directive was.   At my new company, depending on what hour of the day it is, I can get 3 different answers on what I should be focusing on.  Each week I end up making plans to either make my job larger or eliminate part of my job depending on how my manager is feeling that day.  I don’t know how to handle this.    And due to some serious trauma from my first job out of college, I am in constant fear of being fired.  I consulted for many years and vowed I would never go full time because of the trauma from my first job.  I am now returning to those feelings and it’s really upsetting to me.

 -I am working on finding a new place to live and it’s stressful for me.   I want to find it now so I can enjoy my space again.  I want to move so I can invite friends over and hangout in my own space again.  But I am scared to do this because what happens if my job goes away?  How will I afford my own place.  But I need to not live in fear about this decision.  If my job ends, I will find another one.

  - I am in a space of letting go of my attachment to wanting to be in any kind of relationship.   I can no longer suffer from my lack of a relationship.  I just can’t think about dating or anything romantic anymore.  Again, I think I am starting to suffer from trauma around romantic relationships as well.  It’s hard to feel fine some weeks and then be triggered other weeks.   I don’t want to say I have given up on love but for the most part, I have given up on love.    I am focusing on other things and just not allowing myself to think or feel anything for other people anymore.   It’s been very interesting because as I have cutting my desperation off to meeting someone, I am suddenly more attractive to people.   But I am staying strong in my space of letting go.  

I have all this emotion swirling, all these pressure points and just general discomfort.  I wish things could just be steady for a while.  I would like to not be challenged for a bit.   But alas, there are things I need to work on and the Universe keeps bringing them up until I do.

I guess…..   

Recovering Nicely

My adventures in San Francisco feels like a million years ago. 

I am settling back into my life in Seattle.  In fact, I am now house hunting for my own place.   It feels weird to admit this.  I never thought the day would come where I would move into my own place and be able to pay for it easily.  Yet here I am.   About to move with my dog into our own place and I could not be more excited!

I also came to a place of peace with my first love.   I love him but I can’t fix him nor do I want to ruin what he is doing now.   In the end it’s his loss.   That’s one of the biggest lessons I came away with.  He has very sad feelings towards our history and his current situation.   I don’t,   I feel nothing but love towards the past and the present.    I feel so much joy and happiness in life at this moment.  I am happy to be single because it allows me to find my big love.   I don’t want to settle anymore.  So today I am grateful for my single status and for not settling in relationships that are not good for me in the long run.   I know my first love is scared to do something new and to take the much needed next step.  But only he can make this move. 

I did have a new coworker that I am very attracted to tell me the other “ The thing is you kind of are always in my head”.  He said this in a joking manner but still a very interesting thing for him to say.   I just laughed at the comment and changed the subject.    But this comment stuck in my mind.  I have forgotten what it feels like to be in someone’s mind.   I often think that I am not attractive or that people don’t really notice me.  To have someone admit something like this made me realize that I need to change my perception of myself.   I am worthy of someone thinking of me.  I am worthy of someone being attracted to me.  

I am going to go dance by myself in the copier room to celebrate what a great day it is.

My past did not break me

When I was 17 I fell in love.  It was a deep love for someone that lasted 5 years.  We both came from unusual families and were trying so hard to be together while also growing up and figuring out who we were. At some point I realized I needed to grow up away from my life in Seattle and I flew the nest.   I never wanted to break up with my love but I needed to experience life.   My love found someone else and left our situation and at the time it almost broke me.   I have never experienced a pain so deep and strong as this person leaving our relationship for someone new.
I ran away to NYC and then the Midwest.  I ended up meeting someone else and living with them for 7 years.  I have dated other people but I always kept in touch with my first love.   There will always be a part of me that loves this person and believes one day we will be together again.

Fast forward 14 years and not much has changed.

I saw my  first love last week when I was in San Francisco.  At first it was fine.  I was not nervous to see him because I am at peace with myself and my life.  I am happy and healthy.  I am balanced and for the first time in a long time, I am really good.   So we were catching up about life and our families.  It was a familiar energy and we were making each other laugh.  But there was this sadness from him that I can't explain.  He was so sad and so full of regret.  After a couple of cocktails he finally admitted that he made a lot of mistakes with us when we broke up and he wished he had done things differently.  He could not believe how beautiful I still am and how he wished life was different.   I had mixed feelings all night long.
On the one hand I realized in some ways I have evolved beyond this person.  While I have worked hard not to be my parents, he is exactly like his.  Which is not a good thing.   I kept saying, don't be sad. I am good.   But he is sad.  He is stuck and it felt weird to realize that all these years and all the painful situations I have gone through have allowed me to progress and grown.  But he is stuck.  He is frozen in a situation with the same person he left me for.  When he described his relationship with that person he said, well she puts up with me.  Ugh. There is nothing about this person to put up with.  He is a wonderful and caring person.  It was painful to hear him talk about himself that way.

On the other hand, I still love this person.  I could not help falling in love with him again the more we talked.  All I want to do is snuggle up to this person.  To hold them and just be with them.  Our love connection is too strong.  It was never dramatic or bad.  We loved each other and simply met too young.

We spent way more time together than we thought we would.  We said things to each other we probably should not have.  There is still a connection there and it sent me into a whirlwind these last few weeks.  I am coming out of it and realizing that I love this person and I always will. I don't think I can say that about any other people I have dated.   But I also feel like if we are meant to be together this person will make it happen.  And if not, then I need to keep moving forward, growing and evolving.  I can't solve the pain this person feels.  I can't fix them.

For the first time in our 20 year long relationship, I feel strong and steady.  I will always be there for him.  I will always love him.  I will not run away anymore.  But I also won't hurt myself in trying to convince him to love me back.  Because I don't need his love.  I didn't need his closure.  I don't need anything from this person.

What this person needs is unconditional love and that's what I have to offer them.