Calm after the storm

Sometimes I just have days where I want to cry.   Today is one of those days.  Nothing has happened to cause me to feel this way, it’s just that the last year has been extremely hard on me.  I was forced to release and walk away from a lot of people, places and things.  It has been a very hard and trans-formative year.   I had to embrace a lot of change about who I am at the core level and I had to become that change to survive. 

And I did all this alone. 

I don’t normally mind being single.  It allows me to create the life I want from the ground up.  Right now the life I want is to live in the city, work a kick ass job in marketing and take care of myself while climbing the corporate ladder.   But in 10 years from now the life I want will be living in the country with my partner, on a farm and creating our world together.  Or it will be me living in the country alone creating the life I want.  Either way, there will be change and I am working towards it.   

But last night I pushed myself to exhaustion at the gym and I became sad.   It probably has to do with exhaustion from the gym, stress from work and the fact that I am in the midst of making new friends that connect with my new life.   I fell into bed after the gym and just felt a lot of feelings all at once.   

Today I am still feeling those feelings at work and it’s hard.   I want to be happy again like I was 2 years ago.  I want to wake up every morning excited and happy for my day to start.   I want to feel love in my life and new beginnings not what I am feeling now which is a lot of endings.

I know this is a natural process but it’s hard!

And sometimes I just need a hug.

Feelings

Yesterday I was rereading my blog and was amazed to read that I could feel the energy of change long before I see the change.  This got me to thinking about how much I might be ignoring my intuition and feelings.   I have been rolling around with this idea of feelings and intuition being deeply connected since learning about Danielle LaPorte.   She suggests we focus on feelings.  How do you want to feel?   The details are not as important as the feelings.  That’s what struck me about my past blog entries over the last few months.  The feelings I expressed turned out to be true months before the actual actions started to happen.   It all makes sense now in hindsight.   This whole experience made me realize that I need to capture my feelings more so that I can better understand what is going to happen. 

So while I was sitting at the beach last night I realized that right now I have this overwhelming feeling of my soul mate being close. Very close.  This has been happening for a couple of months now but it has not been a feeling that I could figure out until last night.  

I have been single for a while now.  I dated somewhat over the last few years but there was always a voice in my head saying, “this isn’t the one”.   What I have started to feel lately is the one is closer than I realize.  I can feel their energy near me.  It’s a peaceful, loving energy.  It’s an energy that makes me excited and feel a level of love that I have never known.     

I feel like everything else in my life is at peace.  Work is not ideal but it will help me get to the next level.   My health is in the best place it ever has been.  I am not struggling at all.   Not much else is going on but this feeling of excitement that my love is getting closer.  I have even gone out of my way to start letting myself dream and feel what this will be like to be with this person.  

Empty Space

                            

All this change has created a lot of empty space and it turns out, I have a hard time dealing with empty space.   I am growing again in my life.   Not due to weight.  I am shrinking in size.  But my life is growing.  My world is growing.   And it's uncomfortable and hard.

Last summer I made a decision to bring a little fire into my life by working with an energy healer.   At the time I was wanting to get over my latest breakup and just needing some help moving forward.   I had no idea what I was stepping into when I contacted this healer.  We were talking this week and she reminded me about how structured and scared I was that nothing change in my life.   Yet, this was a life that was no longer serving me.   And here I am 6 months later where my life has completely changed and blown up but in a really good way.   I feel like a slow moving fire has been burning through my life and touching all areas.    My job is different, my body is different, my interests in life are different, the people I want to date are different, my living situation is different.  I am different.

And yet, I am returning to a version of myself that is home.  

When I contacted this healer I could not have imagined what the next six months were going to be like.  If you had told me what was going to happen to me I would have told you that there is no way that would happen.

And yet here I am.  Someone that had to give up everything she thought about herself and her life so that new things could come.  And someone that suddenly has all this space in her life to start creating magic.   Because this has been the biggest change of all.   I can feel the magic coming back into my life.  I am about to embark on a new adventure where I bring what I want in life to me.  I did it once at 21 and it was cool.   This time it is going to be beautiful!

Sometimes we all need help

A very important life lesson I have learned in the last year is that sometimes we all need outside help.   I regularly see a personal trainer to help me put fitness first.   I have a life coach to help me stay focused on creating the life I want.  I have a massage therapist and physical therapist to help my body recover from my various spine issues and now I have decided to hire someone to help me organize my house. 
There are a lot of things in life I am good at.  But organzing a room is not one of them.  Once it's organized I am good at keeping it that way.  But actually getting it into a living state is just not something I can handle right now.  So I am reaching out to people to help me. 

This is a huge step for me.  I am finally taking charge of my life and making it my own.  I am creating what I want on my terms.  It feels so good.
It also feels good that I have gone down 3 clothing sizes.  I still have a ways to go but wow!  I am starting to really see the difference.

2014 is going to be a good year.

The New Year Has Been Good So Far

It has been an interesting start to the new year.   It’s been quiet and I have been peaceful.  I did a fire ceremony on New Year’s Day.  I burned all my old vision boards and really just let go of what I think I want in life.   I can’t control things anymore.  I can put positive energy out into the world but the rest of it is not up to me anymore.   I have abstract ideas of what I want in life but I must let go of them for them to manifest.  

This has been an important change in the way I think.  Before I would focus on an image of what I thought life should be and then I would get upset when it did not manifest or if it did manifest, I would realize that it was not what I needed or wanted.  

So now I am just focusing on my feelings.  What does love feel like?  What does peace feel like?  What does success feel like?   

I feel like this will allow for more magic into my life.  It will allow for my options to open up and it allows for me to let go of the process and just focus on living.

I have started my journey towards clean eating and so far so good.   I have been packing my meals for work during the week.  I have been drinking my water and just focusing on simple living.  It feels good.   I have also been focusing more on cardio than on weight lifting.   I have the muscle mass I need.  Now it’s time to work on losing weight and getting my heart rate up.  It’s all a beautiful process that is unfolding exactly how it should be.

New Year - New Me

This year has been one of the most challenging years I have ever been dealt.   Sure, it was not as hard as being bed ridden and facing an insane amount of medical debt.  But this year was hard emotionally.  I faced a lot this year,  normally I think that people are almost only good.  This year I was shown many different people that deep down were just not good.   I don’t like to use the word evil often but this year I met some truly evil people.  People that went out of their way to take other people down. 

But as the year comes to a close I am working on forgiveness and release. Yes, I dealt with some dark people this year. Yes, it was a challenging year.  But I also grew this year.  I truly changed.  I dealt with all the darkness this year with stability, grace and did not sabotage myself in the process.  I became flexible in way I never knew possible and I kept my faith that the right thing would happen.  And the right thing almost always did happen.  The places where I can’t see it yet, I know it will prove itself. 

So as the year comes to a close, I am looking to 2014 and what I want to focus on and where I want to set my intentions.  So far my list is focused on my health and happiness.  Starting in 2014 I am going to move towards a clean diet.  I am going to make my food for the week and pack my lunch every day.  I am going to continue to meet with my trainer and become stronger .   I am also going to be more protective over myself and my time.   I have started to realize that I am protective of everyone but myself.  There are some people and situations that I have allowed in my life are no longer acceptable.   As I have grown in confidence and self-love this year, I have realized that I no longer want to just “put up” with stuff anymore.  I want to live in happiness and love.   I refuse to be someone that “puts-up” with anything.  If something is no longer working or never worked, then I will walk away.   This always felt wrong to me when I was younger because I felt like I was giving up.  But as I get older and realize that I have choices in my life.  I can choose light over darkness.   And I can walk away from things, people, situations that are no longer positive for me and that is OK.

I  feel at peace as 2013 comes to a close. For the first time in years I have agreed to go to a party on New Year’s Eve instead of staying home.  I am  honoring myself and my intention list in other ways.   I know it will be a better year because I am in a better place.  

The last two months have cleared a lot of people and situations out of my life.  It’s been an interesting end to year.   I heard from my Ex after 6 years.  It was not exactly the email I wish I would have received but I also had gotten to a place in life where I did not need to receive anything from this person.  I had forgiven myself and him a long time ago and truly had moved on.  He has not been in my thoughts at all these last few years.   But the email was important to him so I witnessed it for him.   And I let him know there was still love in my heart for him.    I had two friends from high school change in ways that were no longer compatible with me any longer.  There is no fault in either of those situations.  I am just searching for something deeper, more stable and more giving.   I let these people go with love.  The job I loved and worked my ass off for went away this year.   But something better came in its place.

So many endings will lead to new beginnings. 

This makes me very excited for 2014!

Change has happened

The Universe finally did it.   Change is happening.

The week before Thanksgiving I found out my job was ending.  After three years of blood, sweat and tears, my department re-orged and I was out of a job.   I kept praying the right thing would happen and I truly believed it.  
One miracle meeting lead to another and I am now newly employed before my old job even ends.  I am moving to a Mobile phone company and I could not be more excited.  I will be slightly sad to leave the world of games but I know I will be back in this industry soon enough.   And with this new job I will finally be at a level that I deserve.

So much change!

The last year of my life has started to finally make sense.  And I am embracing it all!

Things are keeping me busy

Life changes have me distracted.   I am stretching my wings and this time it does not involve work or school.  It surrounds my personal life and love life and it feels so good!

I am finally feeling free from myself.  I want to jump in my car and just hit the road for a month.  I want to spend my days driving, thinking, taking photographs and writing.  I want to meet new people and try on my new self to see what kind of person I really am.   Because frankly I don't know.
I mean, I know who I am.   But I am finally letting down my guard in such a powerful way that I want to show this new truth to the world.

I feel so good.   I am losing weight again.  I am working with a new trainer that is making a ton of progress in getting my body back into a healthy place.   I will see myself in a mirror and the first thing I think now is.... I am beautiful.   Do you know how unusual this thought is about myself?  This is the first time in 20 years I have thought this about myself.   It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.  That for so many years I refused to look in the mirror or when I did I hated what I saw.

I could blame it on my long term ex.  His parting words to me were "I was never attracted to you.  I thought I would learn to be attracted to you but because of your weight it never happened".    But I don't want to give him that power.  No, this journey has been about me and I own every ugly and beautiful part of it.