Trying to stay present

Today is just one of those days where I want to be present but I simply can’t get my mind to function properly.   I am trying to work but my mind is being distracted by every shiny thing around me.   If I did not have a day job I would be spending time in the sauna, walking in the woods, writing letters to friends and just relaxing.  But I do have a day job so not being able to get anything done is frustrating.  

I have been in this brain fog for a while now.  I think it’s partly because of all the changes I have been dealing with the last six months and partly it stems from the car accident I was in last year, I have just been off.

But my sadness that I felt earlier this week has started to go away and I realized that I need to learn to distinguish between exhaustion and sadness.  Because I am starting to think that exhaustion might translate in my  world as sadness.  

One thing I am excited about is to start a cleanse using a protein drink.  I know it sounds crazy but I have a couple of well-respected people in my world that have used this plan and lost weight.   I want to lean out and lose weight but something in my system is off.  I am hoping this month long plan will help.   I am 6 days in and so far it’s going ok.  I have not stepped on a scale yet so I won’t know the true number but I am more aware of what food I am eating and my cravings for unhealthy food are decreasing.  I am snacking less and focusing on clean meals more.   Fingers crossed that this program will help me because I am slightly frustrated at the moment.   I hit some sort of plateau and it’s annoying.

I am spending tonight hanging out with a new friend and playing video games while snuggling.  This makes me very happy!

Calm after the storm

Sometimes I just have days where I want to cry.   Today is one of those days.  Nothing has happened to cause me to feel this way, it’s just that the last year has been extremely hard on me.  I was forced to release and walk away from a lot of people, places and things.  It has been a very hard and trans-formative year.   I had to embrace a lot of change about who I am at the core level and I had to become that change to survive. 

And I did all this alone. 

I don’t normally mind being single.  It allows me to create the life I want from the ground up.  Right now the life I want is to live in the city, work a kick ass job in marketing and take care of myself while climbing the corporate ladder.   But in 10 years from now the life I want will be living in the country with my partner, on a farm and creating our world together.  Or it will be me living in the country alone creating the life I want.  Either way, there will be change and I am working towards it.   

But last night I pushed myself to exhaustion at the gym and I became sad.   It probably has to do with exhaustion from the gym, stress from work and the fact that I am in the midst of making new friends that connect with my new life.   I fell into bed after the gym and just felt a lot of feelings all at once.   

Today I am still feeling those feelings at work and it’s hard.   I want to be happy again like I was 2 years ago.  I want to wake up every morning excited and happy for my day to start.   I want to feel love in my life and new beginnings not what I am feeling now which is a lot of endings.

I know this is a natural process but it’s hard!

And sometimes I just need a hug.

Feelings

Yesterday I was rereading my blog and was amazed to read that I could feel the energy of change long before I see the change.  This got me to thinking about how much I might be ignoring my intuition and feelings.   I have been rolling around with this idea of feelings and intuition being deeply connected since learning about Danielle LaPorte.   She suggests we focus on feelings.  How do you want to feel?   The details are not as important as the feelings.  That’s what struck me about my past blog entries over the last few months.  The feelings I expressed turned out to be true months before the actual actions started to happen.   It all makes sense now in hindsight.   This whole experience made me realize that I need to capture my feelings more so that I can better understand what is going to happen. 

So while I was sitting at the beach last night I realized that right now I have this overwhelming feeling of my soul mate being close. Very close.  This has been happening for a couple of months now but it has not been a feeling that I could figure out until last night.  

I have been single for a while now.  I dated somewhat over the last few years but there was always a voice in my head saying, “this isn’t the one”.   What I have started to feel lately is the one is closer than I realize.  I can feel their energy near me.  It’s a peaceful, loving energy.  It’s an energy that makes me excited and feel a level of love that I have never known.     

I feel like everything else in my life is at peace.  Work is not ideal but it will help me get to the next level.   My health is in the best place it ever has been.  I am not struggling at all.   Not much else is going on but this feeling of excitement that my love is getting closer.  I have even gone out of my way to start letting myself dream and feel what this will be like to be with this person.  

Empty Space

                            

All this change has created a lot of empty space and it turns out, I have a hard time dealing with empty space.   I am growing again in my life.   Not due to weight.  I am shrinking in size.  But my life is growing.  My world is growing.   And it's uncomfortable and hard.

Last summer I made a decision to bring a little fire into my life by working with an energy healer.   At the time I was wanting to get over my latest breakup and just needing some help moving forward.   I had no idea what I was stepping into when I contacted this healer.  We were talking this week and she reminded me about how structured and scared I was that nothing change in my life.   Yet, this was a life that was no longer serving me.   And here I am 6 months later where my life has completely changed and blown up but in a really good way.   I feel like a slow moving fire has been burning through my life and touching all areas.    My job is different, my body is different, my interests in life are different, the people I want to date are different, my living situation is different.  I am different.

And yet, I am returning to a version of myself that is home.  

When I contacted this healer I could not have imagined what the next six months were going to be like.  If you had told me what was going to happen to me I would have told you that there is no way that would happen.

And yet here I am.  Someone that had to give up everything she thought about herself and her life so that new things could come.  And someone that suddenly has all this space in her life to start creating magic.   Because this has been the biggest change of all.   I can feel the magic coming back into my life.  I am about to embark on a new adventure where I bring what I want in life to me.  I did it once at 21 and it was cool.   This time it is going to be beautiful!

Sometimes we all need help

A very important life lesson I have learned in the last year is that sometimes we all need outside help.   I regularly see a personal trainer to help me put fitness first.   I have a life coach to help me stay focused on creating the life I want.  I have a massage therapist and physical therapist to help my body recover from my various spine issues and now I have decided to hire someone to help me organize my house. 
There are a lot of things in life I am good at.  But organzing a room is not one of them.  Once it's organized I am good at keeping it that way.  But actually getting it into a living state is just not something I can handle right now.  So I am reaching out to people to help me. 

This is a huge step for me.  I am finally taking charge of my life and making it my own.  I am creating what I want on my terms.  It feels so good.
It also feels good that I have gone down 3 clothing sizes.  I still have a ways to go but wow!  I am starting to really see the difference.

2014 is going to be a good year.

The New Year Has Been Good So Far

It has been an interesting start to the new year.   It’s been quiet and I have been peaceful.  I did a fire ceremony on New Year’s Day.  I burned all my old vision boards and really just let go of what I think I want in life.   I can’t control things anymore.  I can put positive energy out into the world but the rest of it is not up to me anymore.   I have abstract ideas of what I want in life but I must let go of them for them to manifest.  

This has been an important change in the way I think.  Before I would focus on an image of what I thought life should be and then I would get upset when it did not manifest or if it did manifest, I would realize that it was not what I needed or wanted.  

So now I am just focusing on my feelings.  What does love feel like?  What does peace feel like?  What does success feel like?   

I feel like this will allow for more magic into my life.  It will allow for my options to open up and it allows for me to let go of the process and just focus on living.

I have started my journey towards clean eating and so far so good.   I have been packing my meals for work during the week.  I have been drinking my water and just focusing on simple living.  It feels good.   I have also been focusing more on cardio than on weight lifting.   I have the muscle mass I need.  Now it’s time to work on losing weight and getting my heart rate up.  It’s all a beautiful process that is unfolding exactly how it should be.