Let Me Just Take A Moment

For the last 12 years I have had one goal,  to work in the marketing and branding world as a manager.  I wanted to own a product and creative that the world would see and I could say that I had a part in creating that.   I started my journey in a small town with big city visions.  I worked hard to network and learn as much as I could about the industry.  I was detoured by my break up, my spine injury and the total destruction of my life that these two events caused.  But I climbed my way back up from nothing and I have kept one dream in focus.  To work in the marketing and business world.   I simplified my life and buckled down.  I focused on the journey to making my dream come true.  I cleaned up my life in all different ways; physically, emotionally and mentally.  

I worked hard and let the excitement of being a cool slacker pass me by.   I went back to school to gain new skills.  I let other people take credit for my work because I knew in the end the truth would be known.   As much as it pained me, I let go of people in my life that were not helping me on my path. 

Over time I realized that my dream was not far off or crazy.  My dream was attainable and with each passing month I was closer and closer to making it my reality.  I had setbacks and painful rejections but I kept moving forward.  I had my 5 year plan and I knew I could make it happen.

Two years into my five year plan, I am exactly where I want to be on my path.    My life is unfolding in a surprising but beautiful way. 

I need to take a moment to slow down, rest and just breathe in where I am.   I need to stop and smell the flowers because this is a beautiful moment for me.   I just created what has been a huge dream of mine.   I am finally at a moment where I feel like I can admit a certain level of success.   I am not used to being successful or being able to admit to the fact that I work hard at my success.  It feels foreign to me. 

So that’s what I am going to do for the next few days or maybe weeks.  I am going to slow down, rest, take care of myself and just sit with the knowledge that I just created something I have been dreaming about for years.  

One door opens.... One door closes

One door has opened   

I wish I had a crystal ball and I could see my future because lately it’s been a roller coaster of a ride and I have no idea what the next move is going to be.

I got the job!

Not only is this a perfect job for me, I am finally getting paid what I deserve.  But with all this money comes responsibility and a long fall if something does go wrong.   I am now a marketing manager for a large Mobile company that is breaking up the old ways of doing things.   I am so excited for this job!  The interview process was weird because it was more like having a discussion about the job than being interviewed for a job.  I know this industry so well that I can just talk about it with some level of expertise.  This is a new feeling for me.   I am not used to being successful and not struggling.  

I am suddenly not struggling.  AT ALL!

I start my new gig in a month because my current manager is not ready to lose me.  I am slightly annoyed by this as  I wanted to be done with this job as soon as possible.   This current job is a terrible fit for me.  I was so scared about not working when I left my last job that I jumped at anything I could.   But I will give my current job props in that it got my foot in the door.  Without this job I would never have been able to get hired into the new and exciting job!  I just am ready for a break.  I need a couple of days to do nothing and be ok with it. 

One door has closed

I have been in recovery for almost 5 years now.   Years ago my best friend committed suicide and it get crushed me.  He was a very bad alcoholic and drug user but had a huge heart.  We had been friends since we were teenagers and I was in so much pain after his death.  I went into a recovery program to help deal with my emotions and learn better ways to relate to people.  My friend was not the only reason I went into recover, my Ex had a lot to do with it, my family patterns were also a big reason that I needed to learn better ways of relating.   So after 5 years of becoming emotionally healthier and surrounding myself with people that are working on themselves and being proactive to own their actions and emotions, I get very off balanced when I am spending time with people that are not healthy.   This last weekend I spent time with a friend from 20 years ago that is not in recovery but probably should be.  I held my tongue during our visit but she hurt my feelings and I realized that my life is too busy and my time is worth too much to spend with people that are not going to appreciate me.   Or people that are unhealthy and unwilling to get better.   I feel empowered in my realization that it’s ok to walk away.  She was very important to me at one point in my life but not anymore.   Not in her current state.  I have to get better about who I let into my life because I will give and give and give.  This often ends up with me being taken advantage of and my feelings hurt. 

I feel like there is so much change happening in my life yet for some reason it feels calms and just right.  

I have worked hard to get this job.  I have worked hard to want better people in my life.  I have worked hard to finally realize that I deserve to be treated better than what I have put up with in the past. 

I don’t want to settle anymore. 

Taking care of my emotional self

I need to learn better self care!
This has been a huge lesson for me as of late and the lesson is coming in multiple forms.

First, I interview for a new job this week.  This job is exactly what I did at my old job but for a new company.  I WANT THIS JOB.  I know I can be successful at this job and I already know the players in getting the job done.  But even after this, I still broke down after the last interview and criticized the hell out of myself.   I learned that if I interview for a job, afterwards I need to be very select on the people I let myself be around.  I can't be around anyone that does not love and adore me.  This lesson came because I spent some time after the interview with someone new and I ended up leaving their house in tears.  Not because of anything they did but because their issues triggered my issues which added to the mix of feeling emotionally vulnerable and it was simply too much.
They have no idea I left crying or spent all weekend trying to feel better about myself.  They have no idea that this night caused me to miss my ex more than any night since we broke up.  They have no idea that interviewing for me is like opening up my PTSD wound and pouring straight lemon juice and alcohol on the wound.
But the point is, they should not have to think about this stuff because I need to own my feelings.  It's my fault for not taking better care of myself.  It's my fault for not understanding how sensitive I am after anything happens at work.   I need to be as loving with myself as I am with other people.

The other big step that happened this week is I finally let go of my ex.  The last year since our break up, I have been trying to be friends with this person.   It has been a hard back and forth and this week, I finally realized I had been pushed too far.  I can't be there for this person when our communication is only on their terms.  I can't keep hoping they will come around or wait for them.  I can finally see how cruel and mean they were to me.  And that makes me sad.  Why have I been mourning someone that has been cruel to me?  And not just post break up cruel but pretty cruel from the moment we started dating.  I finally have had enough.  So I took them out of my phone, I took them off all my social media sites and off my IM.  I have cut all ties and on the one hand I feel great!  But then Friday night hit and suddenly I was sad again.
I was sad because there were parts of this person that I was truly compatible with.

So I am clearing deck and moving forward.   I know I am not out of the weeds yet but I am closer than two weeks ago.  And I am ready to keep moving forward.

Lots of doors closing.
Let's hope it means new ones will be opening soon!

Trying to stay present

Today is just one of those days where I want to be present but I simply can’t get my mind to function properly.   I am trying to work but my mind is being distracted by every shiny thing around me.   If I did not have a day job I would be spending time in the sauna, walking in the woods, writing letters to friends and just relaxing.  But I do have a day job so not being able to get anything done is frustrating.  

I have been in this brain fog for a while now.  I think it’s partly because of all the changes I have been dealing with the last six months and partly it stems from the car accident I was in last year, I have just been off.

But my sadness that I felt earlier this week has started to go away and I realized that I need to learn to distinguish between exhaustion and sadness.  Because I am starting to think that exhaustion might translate in my  world as sadness.  

One thing I am excited about is to start a cleanse using a protein drink.  I know it sounds crazy but I have a couple of well-respected people in my world that have used this plan and lost weight.   I want to lean out and lose weight but something in my system is off.  I am hoping this month long plan will help.   I am 6 days in and so far it’s going ok.  I have not stepped on a scale yet so I won’t know the true number but I am more aware of what food I am eating and my cravings for unhealthy food are decreasing.  I am snacking less and focusing on clean meals more.   Fingers crossed that this program will help me because I am slightly frustrated at the moment.   I hit some sort of plateau and it’s annoying.

I am spending tonight hanging out with a new friend and playing video games while snuggling.  This makes me very happy!

Calm after the storm

Sometimes I just have days where I want to cry.   Today is one of those days.  Nothing has happened to cause me to feel this way, it’s just that the last year has been extremely hard on me.  I was forced to release and walk away from a lot of people, places and things.  It has been a very hard and trans-formative year.   I had to embrace a lot of change about who I am at the core level and I had to become that change to survive. 

And I did all this alone. 

I don’t normally mind being single.  It allows me to create the life I want from the ground up.  Right now the life I want is to live in the city, work a kick ass job in marketing and take care of myself while climbing the corporate ladder.   But in 10 years from now the life I want will be living in the country with my partner, on a farm and creating our world together.  Or it will be me living in the country alone creating the life I want.  Either way, there will be change and I am working towards it.   

But last night I pushed myself to exhaustion at the gym and I became sad.   It probably has to do with exhaustion from the gym, stress from work and the fact that I am in the midst of making new friends that connect with my new life.   I fell into bed after the gym and just felt a lot of feelings all at once.   

Today I am still feeling those feelings at work and it’s hard.   I want to be happy again like I was 2 years ago.  I want to wake up every morning excited and happy for my day to start.   I want to feel love in my life and new beginnings not what I am feeling now which is a lot of endings.

I know this is a natural process but it’s hard!

And sometimes I just need a hug.

Feelings

Yesterday I was rereading my blog and was amazed to read that I could feel the energy of change long before I see the change.  This got me to thinking about how much I might be ignoring my intuition and feelings.   I have been rolling around with this idea of feelings and intuition being deeply connected since learning about Danielle LaPorte.   She suggests we focus on feelings.  How do you want to feel?   The details are not as important as the feelings.  That’s what struck me about my past blog entries over the last few months.  The feelings I expressed turned out to be true months before the actual actions started to happen.   It all makes sense now in hindsight.   This whole experience made me realize that I need to capture my feelings more so that I can better understand what is going to happen. 

So while I was sitting at the beach last night I realized that right now I have this overwhelming feeling of my soul mate being close. Very close.  This has been happening for a couple of months now but it has not been a feeling that I could figure out until last night.  

I have been single for a while now.  I dated somewhat over the last few years but there was always a voice in my head saying, “this isn’t the one”.   What I have started to feel lately is the one is closer than I realize.  I can feel their energy near me.  It’s a peaceful, loving energy.  It’s an energy that makes me excited and feel a level of love that I have never known.     

I feel like everything else in my life is at peace.  Work is not ideal but it will help me get to the next level.   My health is in the best place it ever has been.  I am not struggling at all.   Not much else is going on but this feeling of excitement that my love is getting closer.  I have even gone out of my way to start letting myself dream and feel what this will be like to be with this person.