Loss

I seem to have forgotten how to do the one thing I truly love to do.
Well, maybe forgotten is a harsh word but this weekend I need to make a large number of candles for a wedding and it is not going too well.

Maybe it is being in a home I once lived in but no longer feel connected too. Maybe it is all the loss I have experienced in the last year that has me feeling tipsy in life.
Maybe it is the fact that I have not made candles in over two months and I realized this week that I truly missed it. Or maybe it is the fact that I am trying hard to sit in my Yin energy and that is not a familiar feeling for me.

But I feel like a stranger in my life and in my body.
I have lost over 20 pounds. I am now starting to have to wear clothes that I bought in 2000. Good thing I kept them. I feel younger than my age and more unsteady than I should in most areas of my life.

Except for my company and my work. For the first time in my life I am truly happy going into the office everyday, then coming home and working on my projects every evening. No time is wasted for I have too much to do and the desire to see it all manifest. So this is my one area of comfort. My one calm area. The one thing I can depend on. Except of course for myself. Because no matter what changes on the outside, inside I have everything I need in life. In me is a strength and love that is so strong I will never feel alone again.

So I am learning to sit inside myself and only focus on being a strong and powerful woman. This is hard since I am so used to doing, being, changing, working, moving, anything that ends in ING and requires movement of some sort is where I have spent the last six years. But now I am stepping back into my strength and just being. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just being totally present in the moment.