Admitting MyTruth

Thanks to my work with the Magic 17 Devotion group, I have finally started to admit to my truth in a safe place.  I have admitted to bits and pieces of it on my blog but I have never fully owned it in a public way because for some reason I am scared to own it.  

Why?

What is it about my truth that I am so afraid of?  Why would admitting to the world that I believe in and practice magic on a daily basis be such a scary thing?  Why is admitting that this is something I have been doing my whole life be so hard for me?  Ever since I was a child I have had personal truths around magic and a way of living in magic that were not taught to me.  It was just something I knew.  I was born with it.  I hid it for a long time out of embarrassment and shame.  I found mentors when I was a teenager but then late puberty hit and I discovered boys that not only did not believe in magic but actively made fun of it.  And when faced with believing in my own power or giving it away, I gave it away.  I reclaimed it for a bit between relationships but again, gave it up for another person.  The pattern continued.  Each time I gave away this power, I felt a little piece of my soul floating away but not my whole soul. My magical soul has always been there and will always be here.

I now want to claim this truth and go public with it in a big way.  I want to integrate the magic into my whole life because I can’t keep living two separate lives.  I can’t have this amazing magical life hidden away when I am single that disappears once I get into a relationship.  And I can’t date someone that can’t handle the fact that I can speak my dreams into reality and watch them manifest before my eyes.  I can’t deny the fact that I can create magic very easily and do so a daily basis.  It’s doesn’t feel right anymore to hide.  I no longer fear for my safety or need to be hidden when it comes to magic.   I want to share with the world everything I know and I want to help others find that magic in themselves because we all have it.   We all have access to it.  We all can create magic in our lives and we should.  Nothing feels better than living a magical life. 

I promise you.  

Nothing feels better than living a peaceful, spiritual and magical life.

Calm After The Storm

I feel like the storm has passed and I am now settling into the calm for a bit.  With all the shadow work I did last week and the realization I needed to close some doors, I now feel free.   I also feel happy, settled, confident and excited.   

It’s strange.  I don’t have the pain or longing I have had in the past.   By shining light into the darkness I feel free for the first time in a long time.

What I am noticing are places where my heart shut down years ago instead of dealing with the sadness.  There are small parts of my heart that are in mourning.  This type of mourning feels like something I can handle.  Every time a little piece of pain comes up, I take a moment to reflect and acknowledge that I was hurt over that memory or situation and I let it go.   I also take a moment to think, I am not living in that reality anymore and I don’t need to carry that pain.  It’s not overwhelming by any means.  Its perfect.

The most important lesson from all of work is that I am no longer shut down.  I am no longer in pain or avoidance.  I am opening back up and I am letting magic back in. 

And the magic is showing up in so many ways. It's hard to explain at the moment how magical life has gotten but the more I open my heart the more magic meets me with wonderful surprises and little signs I am on the right path.    

Magic Is Happening

Yesterday seemed like a normal day.   I went to work.  I came home.  I did my normal routine.

But something was very different.

After doing my shadow work on Sunday I knew there was a relationship I needed to end.  I did not want too but it was time.  It was hardly a real relationship but it was something that has been in my way for years and it suddenly and swiftly did not feel right anymore.   I attempted to end it over  text but felt a longer email that included how I really felt about the person was a better option.  I have never let this person know my true feelings about them before.   The email was not mean in any way nor was I asking them for anything.  I was simply saying, I like you and you like me and it confuses me because nothing ever happens except we both admit it to each other all the time and I don't want to do this anymore.  This email was met with a text that said, I will stop contacting you.

Fair enough.   This person and I live in very different worlds.  Our ability to express ourselves are not matched by any means.  And I am sure to this man, someone being open and honest scared the hell out of him.  Like I said, we are very different people.  I am not like any woman he has ever dated or met.  I don't need him nor want him to take care of me. I can walk away from him and not look back.
But there is some heartache to the situation because I did like him.  I was willing to look beyond our cultural and social differences and get to know him.   So I was feeling sad.

Meanwhile, months ago when I decided I needed a serious life change I discovered the etsy store Sage Goddess .  I bought a couple of candles from her and some oils.  I also attended a couple of her online telecasts.  This happened at the same time I discovered Magic 17 and I knew life was going to change.   I have been slowly or quickly using both resources to make changes in my life.  Sage Goddess has these amazing oils that I have started to use in my wall art project and I keep a steady stream of her candles coming to my home on a regular basis.  I just feel very drawn to her.

Cut back to last night.   I am feeling sorry for myself and see my biological aunt has posted on facebook about one of my favorite adopted aunties that is an amazing artist. She was my hero growing up.  She lived in a converted school house on a local island in the northwest.   She is also a very witchy lady and  just a straight up Goddess in general.  I quickly friended her on Facebook and sent her a note asking if we could have an art date soon.  I let her know I wanted to return to  my roots of doing art and making products and being a strong independent woman and I could really use some special time with her.   We emailed a bit and I let her know what was happening in my life.

I then took a bath and was reading a story about a woman that while trying to figure out if she was on the right path in life would get little signs from the universe letting her know she was.   This story was about her life purpose but also about her love life.  I finished the story and picked up my phone to find a message from my artist Aunty inviting me to an event being put on by the Sage Goddess.  I said that's so crazy because a couple of months ago I randomly found her and have been super into her products since finding her.  That I even had been using her magical oils in my first art project in almost 8 years.   It turns out they are old friends and my aunty helps with her community.  My Aunty said I was exactly where I needed to be and for the first time in a long time, I truly believe it.

We are going to have a date in two weeks.

I am blown away by all these connections coming together.  Yes.  I am exactly where I need to be.  Yes.  I needed to give up that man.  As much as I liked him,  he was just not right for me.  As soon as I found my aunty and we connected I realized the universe was bringing me the tools I need to bring the life I want to live to me.

I feel like I am coming home.  Growing up I always thought I would like a life just like my Aunty.  I would live in the country and make products to help people with their emotional and spiritual situations.  I would do my art and I would have a great close community I was a part of.  I would travel with my partner and experience the wonders of the world.
I am finally on the path to creating this life and at a level I never thought possible.  I am going to live this life but on a larger scale which is perfect for who I have become.    

Sometimes the Shadow Needs to Come Out

Yesterday I had a realization that has left me spinning in a good way. 

Sometimes the shadow needs to come out.

For so many years I have refused to pay attention to the negative side or the shadow side because I only wanted to pay attention to the positive side of things.  I wanted my energy to go towards what I wanted to attract or manifest in life.  And in most area's of my life this was working but in certain area's of my life, I found myself repeating patterns.  I have been sitting with myself over the last year questioning why I can't break these patterns.  Why it's been years and I keep having the same underlying issue come up.   Yesterday it hit me.  By refusing to state what I don't want in my life, by refusing to state all the awful situations I have been dealt, I was giving these situations more energy than I realized.   I was constantly fighting myself trying to ignore these issues.   I was working hard to hide them thus giving them energy versus just to admit to them and release them.

This realization hit me so hard.  I could see a direct energy connection to all these negative patterns and why I kept repeating them.   It was a direct energy suck.   I immediately created a releasing ritual and finally did what I should have done years ago.   I wrote 4 pages of what I didn't want anymore.  I wrote down everything!  I wrote down what I don't want to be attracted too, what I don't want to put up with, what I don't want to be involved in.  I was so open and honest with myself.  I used all my past relationships as guides of what I do not want anymore.   I then burned the list and prayed to be released from all of these patterns.   They no longer serve me. 

I can feel the shift today.   When I start to think about men from my past or people in my current life that are from this old negative view of what I deserve, I remind myself that this is the old pattern that I am finally giving attention too and I immediately release the attachment.  By refusing to give it attention for so many years I kept recreating this mess until I finally was strong enough to say, enough is enough.   I deserve more.   I deserve more. 

Sometimes you have to shine light into the shadow world to clean it out and realize it is not scary.  That there are lessons in the underworld that you need to learn before you can shift.  And once you shine the light into this space, it no longer has power or hold over you.  It suddenly starts to die in the light and makes room for what you do want.  

I am so blessed

I am so blessed......

This is the statement that keeps running through my head as I sit on my comfy couch, in my beautiful home and have the space to work, take care of myself and balance both sides of my brain.

I have been running around this week struggling.  I have been getting over the flu, feeling cranky towards anything that has been in my way and just feeling overburdened by life. Plus, I have been lonely because having the flu meant I did not leave my home for over a week.  So it's been tough but today I was able to have a call with Rachael my Magic Coach and it turned all my thoughts and feelings around.
I am not cranky because I am sick.  I am not overburdened by life.
I am feeling growing pains because for the first time ever in my life, my emotional barriers that I put up to protect myself from other people, no longer serve me.   Once I realized that my short temper was really not a short temper but was my soul wanting some time and reflection, I was able to come back to center and feel balance.

So much is changing in my world and it's so exciting but it's also scary and strange.   I don't quite know how to share everything yet other than I am peeling away layers of unnecessary stuff in my life to bring my true self to the surface.  I am doing this with a group of women via the internet. I am doing it by creating art and intention products again. I am doing it by writing. I am doing it by spending time alone. I am doing it by spending time with people.  I am doing it by taking care of my body and keeping my home clean.  I am doing it by realizing that I deserve better in life and I no longer want to put myself down.  I am doing this by admitting that I am more scared than I have ever been about my future because it is changing in such a huge way and I have no idea what it will look like. 

One of my amazing new friends just started a self love journey that speaks to me.  Mandy opened a wound in me last night when she admitted issues around her body and wanting to feel good about her self.  I saw myself in her admission and thought long and hard about her words.  While I am not sure I can do a 30 day journey right now, I did decide with Rachael that I am going to do a 17 day fun journey because more than anything in life, right now I need FUN! 

So tonight my fun will include a delicious dinner with my favorite person in this world, my nephew!  And possible fro-yo afterwards.   Then tomorrow my fun is going to include buying some new plates for my intention candles and altar I am building along with new pieces for my art project.   And then of course Sunday is my favorite day of the year. 

Sometimes It's The Little Things

The last two weeks have been all about the little things in life.   I am slowing down in general and able to finally enjoy life again.  I am starting to understand that for me right now it's the little moments in life that are creating magic.

I am working on a new project for a wall in my house and as I go deeper into the process the happier I become.   I have been soaking the thread in magical oils before I string the beads on.  Each strand has a different intention or story woven into them.  The project is far from complete but it's getting closer to what I want it to look like.  I am going to branch out and try new beads and colors once I complete this wall.  I have this feeling that this project is going to become bigger than I realize.  There is something powerful cooking inside me. 

Sometimes I wonder what my neighbors think of me when I open the door to my home.  The scents must fill the hallways when I walk by.   I have so many magical oil projects happenings right now that my home must just breathe beautiful scents.   From the outside my little home looks like a normal place but once you walk into my area, it becomes a different story.   I know this because everyone that comes over remarks about it.  It feels different than any place people have ever been before.

I am so excited for 2015.  Everything is different.  I am different yet I am the same person I was at 17 before my barriers went up and I shut down.  I am returning to myself.   I am wiser, calmer and more focused.  I do not want to lose myself this time.  I am working hard to keep the beautiful vision of my life in balance with where life takes me.  This time around I know I will be able to keep both visions alive and combine them.  Yes, it is possible to be that magical and powerful woman and be in love with someone else with whom I share a life with.  I don't have to give up my power to my partner this time around.  I can still focus on creating for myself and growing my world.   

It feels right this time around.

Heathly Decisions

Leaving my old job was one of the healthiest decisions I have ever made.

This was my first week at the new job but back to my old company and it was a homecoming I did not expect and one I needed so badly.  I received hugs everywhere I went and  had to make promises never to leave again.   Mind you, this company is one of the largest companies in the world.  But because of my job level and departments, I always work with  many different departments and this leads me to know a lot of people at the company.
I had such a relaxing first week at the new job.  I love my new team and already see where I can make a difference.   Plus, I now have the time and space to focus on my outside work interests.  I have my life back!

I have been working on a new art project for my home.  It's the first art project I have worked on since I stopped making candles. And it's the first home art project I have worked on since 2003 or 2004.  I forgot how much I need creative projects in my life.   I am not done with this piece yet as I want it to be perfect and it's not there yet.  A few more tweaks and it should be close.  It's beautiful, simple, warm and elegant.

I am also working a lot with this energy of the healthy girl style.  What does this mean to me?  It has been rolling around in my head for a couple of years.  I know it's the start of my new project, I am just getting started on what this will look like.

I know this much.... Leaving my dysfunctional job for a better job was Healthy Girl Style!
I did it before the old job could completely ruin me.  I did it before I lost all confidence and acted out.  I did it without letting my life fall apart.  I did it in a way that I owned every step of the process and I was in the power role.

I am ready to take this energy to  my other areas in life.  What will Healthy Girl Style look like when it comes to love, to health, to owning my own business, to my bigger home?  What will it look like in my 40's, my 50's, my 60's?  Once I come to understand what this Healthy girl inside of me looks like and who she is, she will forever be with me.  Healthy Girl Style starts when we are born and never goes away, no matter how old we are.  She is the one that knows us the best throughout our lives.  She is also quiet and will wait for you to be ready for her because once you do, your dreams will come true with power.  

Breaking My Soul Open

2015 is already life changing.  The year started with a new job and the realization that I needed to break down some barriers in my life.   It's a good change but one that has knocked me off my feet a bit.   I have so many walls built up around me that are no longer serving me.   I want to be free of these barriers and I am working towards letting myself open up more to other people.
It's going to be a process.  I am not the most comfortable person being open to others.  I tend to love my safe little aloof cocoon but I am ready to grow and to put myself out there.  I want to let other people in and connect with them. 

It's going to be an interesting year.  After a difficult 2014, I finally have the energy to go out again.  I am able to go home at night and see friends or work on my various art/writing projects.  Life is no longer passing me by but I am living in full color again.

I am so grateful that I found Rachael Maddox and her magic group.  The magic 17 devotion group is just what I need at this time in life.  I needed a tune up and a group of ladies that could hold the space for me while I realize that it's time to let go of what is not working anymore.  It has only been a couple of weeks that the group has been together but I can already seen the changes in my life.  My intentions are stronger and manifesting at a faster rate.  My energy level is rising and I more peaceful and calm with where I am in life.

And my creativity is coming back!

I am finally making art again and I am writing on a daily basis.  It's so wonderful to be in touch with that side of myself again.  It just adds to the magical feeling I have in life right now.  Everything feels perfect and beautiful.

How I would describe my life right now

My good friend in LA just asked me to describe my life to her at this moment in time and all I could say was,

" You know that movie Amelie?  Well it's like that movie. But all of it.  The music, the colors, the textures,  the feelings, the magical small moments in time.  Everything.  On a daily basis. "

And that truly sums up my life right now. It's beautiful.  Perfect for me.

Theme for the Year

Yesterday someone that I have know for years, came up to me and said that every year they put a theme to year after hearing me give a talk about how I do this.  

This person has no idea but this may have been the biggest and best compliment I have ever received.  To know that I was able to help someone, that I was able to touch someone deeper than just a fleeting moment.  To know that one of my yearly rituals has actually brought help and Joy to someone else.   

This 2 second moment in our conversation has stunned me.  

It's also slightly funny because for the first time in years, I did not pick a theme.  I did my intentions differently this year.  I have been pushing myself to grow and embrace new ways of doing things.  I am reaching the next level in my personal journey.  So I figured my theme idea was outdated.  I guess I was WRONG.

So my theme this year is to have more moments like these.  More moments where I am able to share my authentic self with people and they help me by showing me that I have been seen and heard.  It's not a simple word for the year but a feeling, a moment in time, an all encompassing connection.  

A TRUE THEME

It's funny how once you slow down in life to listen to the Universe, it does so with such humor and love.  These last few days have been very life changing for me.  I am not sure what shifted in me but somehow I finally made the decision that I have had enough suffering and I needed to change.  And I have been changing.  I wake up rested and grateful.  I spend my day relaxed with a smile on my face. I spend time alone now and yet I am never lonely.   I have no more heartache.  I have no more pain about the past no more confusion about the future.  I feel happy at every moment.   I have been searching for this place for years and I finally found it.   My job now is to stay in this place.  To get back on track when I start to get off track.  To keep moving forward and keep searching because I am only getting started on my path.  

2015 Is Already Inspiring Me

2015 is already rocking my world.   I am so inspired by the last 48 hours.  I had the best new year’s eves I have ever had.  I spent it alone in my cozy little condo making my altar for the evening, writing, setting my intentions for 2015 and walking under the moonlight in silence.  It was magical. 

This year I did my intention list very differently.  I took inspiration from Danielle LePorte’sbook The Desire Map and I wrote my intention list as core feelings I wanted to feel in 2015 and what/how they would look manifested in my life.  It felt different.  I felt different.  I can’t really explain how powerful this shift of perception for my intention list was but it felt very different.  For the first time ever I could clearly see how my intention list will become my reality.  I didn't feel a disconnect from my shopping list of intentions that I wanted to work towards like I have in the past.  I felt connected to weaving every feeling into each moment of my day.  Every step I take this year, every decision I make, every thought I have will be infused with my core intentions because I could clearly see my road map for the year.  

The other magical thing that happened was for the first time ever I wrote down my big life dream.  I finally admitted to myself what it is I truly want in this life time for myself.  I have always been scared to admit it to myself.  It always felt selfish or just plain crazy or like my dream was so far out of reach for where I was in life that I could never fully admit to myself what I wanted.  But this year I was finally able to put it in my intention book and I am so glad I did.  Because you know what I realized?  It’s not that far out of reach at all.  It’s something I have actually been working towards since I was a young child. 

I am not yet ready to admit it to the public world but I will be this year.  I promise! 

For those of you that have read my blog and followed me for years, you won’t be surprised at all.  Most of you will say, it’s about time!

I then spent my new years day writing and lighting candles again.  I also spent it reading a fiction book and just relaxing.  Truly relaxing and letting go of all the stress and pain of 2014.   I took a long walk last night and realized that I feel the magic of life coming back.  I feel the beauty of life appearing again.   I feel alive. 

This morning I woke up inspired by my Facebook feed.   I recently signed up for a couple of online classes and groups and I could not be more happy that I did.  I love seeing all these spiritual woman connecting together thanks to Facebook and I can’t wait to become a part of the energy of this movement of change.   

Thank you Hannah Marcotti for inspiring me this morning with the courage to admit that moving into the unknown is exciting and scary all at once.  But so worth it!  I can’t wait to sign up for one of your classes and hopefully travel out to RI and attend one of your workshops in person this year!

2015 Is Going To Be About Transformation

I can already start to feel the new energy of 2015.  It's light, cool and crisp.  It's about transformation and self actualization.  It's the feeling of creating your dream home/space/path and being grateful everyday that you get to fully live and be present in that space.

I am spending New Years Eve in my own space this year doing my intention ritual.  I am looking forward to making my space cozy with special treats for the evening and light my special candles.  I am going to present to 2015 because this year marks the start to some intense transformation changes for me.  I am letting go of what I think I should be doing and will be guided by what my soul and the universe want for me.  I am finally ready to embrace this new life and I know it's time.

It will be an interesting year because all of these changes will be subtle and beautiful.  It's going to be a return to my true self.  I will still be working in the corporate world.  I will still be living in my wonderful condo and having dinner with friends.  But on a deeper level, I will be moving towards my new future on a daily basis.

One thing that started this new transformation for 2015 was I signed up for Rachael Maddox's Magic 17 Intensive  course.  I found while looking for some guidance at the end of November.   I knew things in my life needed to change but I had no idea what direction to go in.  None of my attempts to change my job situation were successful so I was just sitting in the moment and waiting.  I found Rachael's course and I was drawn to sign up.  We had a very interesting initial chat on the phone and I said that I wanted to take her course but I knew in the back of my mind that for me to attend her course and be ready for the next stage in my life I would need much more free time than I had at my current situation.  Within 1 week of signing up for her class, I had interviewed and been offered my new job.   I made my dedication to the new life I knew I wanted to move towards but I had no idea how I was going to do within my current situation.  I only knew that my soul would be screaming if I had let this course pass me by.

Sometimes the divine works that way.   I had to be ready to jump off the cliff before I could see the cliff I needed to jump off.  I finally listened to my soul and spirit that had been telling me for a long time my life was not working for them.  And life feels like it is falling into place.  

It's not without it's challenges.  I must admit my hermit side is very strong right now.   I am not getting out as much as I should be.  I have been processing a lot of my history to clear it out of my energy field and this is a painful process to do it when you have people around you but to do it when you are isolating is very hard. 

However, I am so grateful for the chance to do it alone.  I am not sure I would ever fully be able to go this deep and this far into myself if I was not alone.  I feel like this part of the pilgrimage.   I am on my hero path and right now it is isolated and dark but there is finally a light up ahead.  I can see the end of this stage and I am so grateful to be almost out of it.

2015 is all about Love, Abundance and Freedom

I accepted a new job offer this week back at my old company and gave notice at my current job. 

I am thrilled.

I have not been this relaxed, grateful and peaceful in a long time.  I will not be returning to the video game industry just yet but at least I am returning to a company I know I like working for.   And a bonus treat is I now get to work from home on Monday's and Friday's which mean I have the time and space to focus on self care and life coach classes.  And I got a raise in the middle of this.  More money, less stress and a manager that doesn't scream at me.

2015 is going to be truly life changing! 

The Journey

I am preparing for a new journey and I am both excited and scared all at once.  I am taking that leap of faith that requires a blind trust and this maybe one of the hardest things I have ever done but my soul and spirit need it badly. 

I will hopefully reveal more this week.  I think 2015 is going to be truly transformational.

Peaceful Holiday

I read a quote this weekend from the Desire Map that blew me away

We create wellness or dysfunction in our lives by how we go about getting our needs met.  Pg. 58 The Desire Map

I have been turning this quote over in my mind over the last few days in Joy.   I no longer have dysfunction in my life, just wellness but it explains so much of my past.  And brings  Joy and understanding to how I navigated my youth and why.  

I spent the long weekend in peace.  I did not make many plans because I just wanted to be present with myself.  I am working on some writing projects and I wanted to spend my weekend exactly how I wanted to spend it.   It was the best weekend I have had in a long time.  I feel refreshed and centered. 

2015 marks a turning point for me in so many ways.  I can feel this big change happening and I have no idea how to explain it.  It’s like nothing I have ever felt in my life.  The only other time I felt close to this way was when I moved to NYC at 21.  Life is about to change in a very big way and I am so ready for this change.  It has already started.  The closer I get to 2015 the further away from the mess and darkness I feel.  I am excited to see what will happen.  

So far the change has included:

-          A loss of 30 pounds

-          A cozy new home

-          Blonde hair

-          A sense of peace and confidence 

Turning Over A New Leaf

After a tough year, I am finding feeling some relief!

I am so happy to be in this new energy!!!!

I am waking up happy and grateful for the first time in a long time.  My new condo is finally feeling like a home.   I love waking up in the morning to my own space and coming home in the evening to a cozy space with some of my favorite photographs on the wall.  I love my beautiful deck that is full of plants and trees.  I love how quiet and warm my new home is and how it is all me.  It smells like me.  It feels like me. 

My job is even for now.  It’s not my dream job but it is providing for me at the moment and is allowing me to get to the next level in my career and for that I am grateful.  I created a marketing piece last month that had the best results of all the campaigns my group did in the last year.  So for now, I am ok.

Most importantly, I am happy with where I am in my emotional and spiritual state.  I have had ups and downs over the last year but every time I go down, I come back in a higher place.  I am getting better about weathering the storms of life and moving forward.  I am so  happy and grateful for where I am in life.  My heart is full of love and gratitude for so much lately.  It feels really good to be right here, right now.  I know from my last astrology reading that the worst of things is over for a while and I am turning over a new life in all the areas of my life.   I have a lot of really positive changes coming up starting in 2015.   I suffered a lot from 2003 to 2014 and now it’s time to party!    I could not be more happy and ready to embrace this new side of my life.  I am ready to shine.  I am ready to step into a new life and a new way of living, one that will aligned with my authentic self. 

My heart has been having some little pains and emotional cords over all my ex’s this week.  I know these are the final cords being cut so it’s a positive thing.  It’s a mix of sadness, fondness, missing these people and the feeling of completion.   These people were important and they all taught me so many lessons.  And I loved all of them so much.  But it’s time for something new and I am ready.   The space has been made and I am no longer available for any of these people other than just a memory.   I know I will hear from all of them again at some point in my life.  But I have had all the closure with each of them I needed.   I am ready for my new and better thing.  And it’s coming!!!!

Clearing Out Unwanted Energy

I am in the process of deleting my relationship history from social media.  It’s time and it’s the right thing to do.   I have been holding onto these virtual memories for too long and I know it’s been part of what’s keeping me stuck in emotional pain.   It feels weird to be able to erase history like deleting a facebook email chain that lasts years and that shows a love grow and then die. But you know what?  In the end, it doesn’t really mean anything more than, I experience something that I no longer wish to remember.   I have my journals if I want to remember my side. I have some memories but I have already started deleting his photographs.   And I am just now starting to realize how truly bad this person was for me.   Narcissist does not even begin to describe this person.

I feel free to look towards the future.  I feel free to dream again.   I feel free to be me and change.

I did have a couple of new people come into my life recently.  It’s like the universe is testing me big time.  One is someone I have known for years, am wildly attracted too but is also very different than myself and slightly living on the edge.   The other person is quiet, funny and someone I work near.  He is younger but also fun and fairly conservative.   With him it would be a real relationship.  With the person I have known for a long time it would be a good time.  I don’t know what to do with either of these men.   

Frankly, I don’t think I will do anything with either of them because right now I am just enjoying where I am at.  I am living alone in this amazing condo.   I finally figured out what was wrong with me health wise and my body is responding wonderfully to treatment.  I am down 3 clothing sizes and starting to look like myself again.   I am looking for a job that is in better alignment with who I am and I am not worried about finding one.   I am feeling secure for the first time in many years.   And I am doing it all on my own.    

The wild man came over to my apartment a few weeks ago and it was nice but he also made a few weird moves that in the end were just not the right moves if he wants to be with someone like me.  It’s sad but true.  I suspect what he did works for the kind of women he is used to dealing with but that’s just not how I do thing.  There is a magic to my life.   And it’s not something that I want to share with just anyone anymore.  He nicely taught me this over the last week or so.  

It feels good to be so protective over myself and my heart.   I don’t want to be closed down, I just want to be selective.  Wild men can exit out the door.  Nice men are allowed as long as they prove themselves and take it slow.   No more rushing into things anymore.  It’s all about intention and living the life I want and sharing it with people that I adore.

Moving!

I am moving on Friday to my new place!

I can't wait!!!!!

Growth

Growth is good                

This weekend I spent time with a friend that is having some anxiety issues.  I was telling her about when I used to have really bad  anxiety attacks when I was in my old relationship and what the attacks would be like.  I went through the whole brain thought pattern I would have and all the feelings and questions I would have.  She was shocked that I would beat myself up so horribly when I was having a panic attack. 

I went silent for a moment and even I was shocked at what was coming out of mouth.  It was awful what I would put myself through and not something I would ever think about myself today.

I have started to question if these thoughts were even my own thoughts or if these were the thoughts that the toxic people in my life had about me.   My ex never really liked me.  He would say he did but his actions and words proved otherwise.  At that age, I was not strong enough to leave him and part of me also believed that I deserved the abuse but then suddenly there would be times where I knew he  was wrong and my life in general was wrong.  I would suddenly start questioning why I was living the way I was living and it would turn me upside down.  I can’t imagine having an attack like this now because I am so happy and living the exact life I have always wanted.    Plus, I am strong enough to leave toxic people behind.  Remembering how abusive these relationship were and how abusive my friendships were with other people at this time in my life makes me sad for that lost child I was in college and in my 20’s.     

I am so grateful that I am strong enough to not let people like this into my world anymore.  I am so grateful that I never think these type of thoughts about myself anymore nor do I abuse myself anymore.  I am even grateful that there was a part of my soul crying for help in the form of massive panic attacks screaming for me to realize that what was happening in my life was wrong.  I am sorry it took me so long to wake up to that voice but I am so glad she never went away.  I loved my ex so much back then and always hoped he would love me back.  I now realize that he was so sick and unhappy with himself that it was not possible for him to love anyone in his life at that point, not even himself.   I am grateful that I woke up one day and decided to change myself and my life and that I had the courage to do it.

That life feels like a million miles away and not something I think about very often.   It’s strange because I have such warm and loving thoughts about my first relationship. I always tell people I would get back together with my first love in a heartbeat.  There was such love between us.  But with my second relationship, I just don’t allow my thoughts to go there.  It’s not something I think about.  It’s not something I want to go back too.  It’s not something I am proud of or want to revisit.  Maybe one day this will be different.  But for right now, the past is just left in the past.  I am at peace with it.  I just choose not to feel anything about the relationship or our past.   I did exchange an email with this ex around the holidays when he reached out for the first time since our breakup.  I honestly never thought I would ever hear from him again.  I ended my email back to him with “ Take care of yourself and just know there is a lot of love for you still in my heart”.  That is true.  There is love for this person and the life experience we had together.  But from a distance and a source that I do not visit often.  

Life is too good to live in the past.  Life is too wonderful to feel bad anymore.  I am so happy and grateful for everything that has happened to me because it made me who I am.  I would never give any of my past up because I finally love who I am.  I just want to focus on the positive and my life in the present because it’s so perfect and beautiful right now.  

New Energy - New Year - New Theme

The greatest love of all is SELF LOVE!

This year already feels different.

I am deep down happy.

I am happy to be alive.  I am happy to be in my job.  I am happy to be living in this wonderful city. I am grateful for my past and excited about my future.  I am happy, present and full of love.

My birthday was a pretty normal day but it truly wasn't.  It was the first time in a long time I truly owned the day.  I let people celebrate me.  I let people take me out to lunch and wish me a happy birthday which in the past I would have hide the fact it was my birthday.  I owned that it was my day and that I deserved a little attention.   I am stepping into myself and my life in a way I have never done before.   I am letting myself take up space and it feels so good.  I feel that I deserve to be treated well and owning the fact that this treatment starts with me.  So this next year of my life is all about me treating myself the best way I can and from this, people will treat me differently.

I also know that my life is changing on so many levels.   I have finally discovered the root of many of my health issues and I am 2 weeks into my treatment.  I am coming back to my healthy self!  This summer was really hard.  I struggled with everything because my health was in such decline. But I am back and better than ever.   I am not going to be able to heal my issues right away but I can slowly work towards a happy healthy point and get the worst of my condition under control.

I am also just feeling so strong emotionally.   I am free of all emotional sadness around my past.   This is powerful.  I am excited for my future.  I love my past and and my journey but what I love the most is where I am right now.  It's a beautiful place to be.  I am successful.  I am manifesting my dreams.  I am moving into a dream home. I am buying a new car soon.  I am taking dream vacations.  I am saving money for my future. I am taking care of myself and my family.   I am living my dreams.
I just want to state the to the universe that I am grateful for everything!  And that I am bringing the Queen back!