Living As-If

My decision last week to avoid dating has caused the universe to throw situations my way.  Where were all these people a month ago?

But I am staying strong in my decision to avoid everything until Jan 2015.  My heart can’t take any more pain and I am just not in a space where I want to deal with other people’s confusion over what they want.   This is a huge step in my confidence building.  I am putting my needs first.  I need to take care of myself and not let someone get close that is not on the same page as me.

This means I am fighting the urge to communicate with my people from my past.  I am focusing on my future and what I want.  I am holding strong the notion that I will one day find that big love.  I know it’s close.   I am using this time as my yummy time before I settle down.  Instead of living in desperation I am living as-if.   I am living like these are the last 6 months of my life where I will be single.  I am making plans of all the things I want to do before I settle down.  Classes I might want to take, places I want to visit, trips I want to take.  I am preparing for my big love with excitement and love for my life as it is.   It’s a total change of mindset for me and I am enjoying it.  I realized in the last couple of days that I this was my missing piece for my life right now.

Being Challenged

I am being seriously challenged by the universe right now.   I need to slow down, simplify and focus on my present situation because I feel like I am in over my head.   It’s not just work that is causing these feelings.  My personal and emotional life are also throwing me some interesting curve balls.   Let me see if I can break it down and help soothe my mind.

 - Work- This job it turns out is slightly different than the job I have been doing for the last 4 years.   This company is very different and that’s where the real problem starts.  My last company was very smart and detailed oriented.  People spent time on projects thinking them out logically and by the time it came to my part, I knew exactly what the directive was.   At my new company, depending on what hour of the day it is, I can get 3 different answers on what I should be focusing on.  Each week I end up making plans to either make my job larger or eliminate part of my job depending on how my manager is feeling that day.  I don’t know how to handle this.    And due to some serious trauma from my first job out of college, I am in constant fear of being fired.  I consulted for many years and vowed I would never go full time because of the trauma from my first job.  I am now returning to those feelings and it’s really upsetting to me.

 -I am working on finding a new place to live and it’s stressful for me.   I want to find it now so I can enjoy my space again.  I want to move so I can invite friends over and hangout in my own space again.  But I am scared to do this because what happens if my job goes away?  How will I afford my own place.  But I need to not live in fear about this decision.  If my job ends, I will find another one.

  - I am in a space of letting go of my attachment to wanting to be in any kind of relationship.   I can no longer suffer from my lack of a relationship.  I just can’t think about dating or anything romantic anymore.  Again, I think I am starting to suffer from trauma around romantic relationships as well.  It’s hard to feel fine some weeks and then be triggered other weeks.   I don’t want to say I have given up on love but for the most part, I have given up on love.    I am focusing on other things and just not allowing myself to think or feel anything for other people anymore.   It’s been very interesting because as I have cutting my desperation off to meeting someone, I am suddenly more attractive to people.   But I am staying strong in my space of letting go.  

I have all this emotion swirling, all these pressure points and just general discomfort.  I wish things could just be steady for a while.  I would like to not be challenged for a bit.   But alas, there are things I need to work on and the Universe keeps bringing them up until I do.

I guess…..   

Recovering Nicely

My adventures in San Francisco feels like a million years ago. 

I am settling back into my life in Seattle.  In fact, I am now house hunting for my own place.   It feels weird to admit this.  I never thought the day would come where I would move into my own place and be able to pay for it easily.  Yet here I am.   About to move with my dog into our own place and I could not be more excited!

I also came to a place of peace with my first love.   I love him but I can’t fix him nor do I want to ruin what he is doing now.   In the end it’s his loss.   That’s one of the biggest lessons I came away with.  He has very sad feelings towards our history and his current situation.   I don’t,   I feel nothing but love towards the past and the present.    I feel so much joy and happiness in life at this moment.  I am happy to be single because it allows me to find my big love.   I don’t want to settle anymore.  So today I am grateful for my single status and for not settling in relationships that are not good for me in the long run.   I know my first love is scared to do something new and to take the much needed next step.  But only he can make this move. 

I did have a new coworker that I am very attracted to tell me the other “ The thing is you kind of are always in my head”.  He said this in a joking manner but still a very interesting thing for him to say.   I just laughed at the comment and changed the subject.    But this comment stuck in my mind.  I have forgotten what it feels like to be in someone’s mind.   I often think that I am not attractive or that people don’t really notice me.  To have someone admit something like this made me realize that I need to change my perception of myself.   I am worthy of someone thinking of me.  I am worthy of someone being attracted to me.  

I am going to go dance by myself in the copier room to celebrate what a great day it is.

My past did not break me

When I was 17 I fell in love.  It was a deep love for someone that lasted 5 years.  We both came from unusual families and were trying so hard to be together while also growing up and figuring out who we were. At some point I realized I needed to grow up away from my life in Seattle and I flew the nest.   I never wanted to break up with my love but I needed to experience life.   My love found someone else and left our situation and at the time it almost broke me.   I have never experienced a pain so deep and strong as this person leaving our relationship for someone new.
I ran away to NYC and then the Midwest.  I ended up meeting someone else and living with them for 7 years.  I have dated other people but I always kept in touch with my first love.   There will always be a part of me that loves this person and believes one day we will be together again.

Fast forward 14 years and not much has changed.

I saw my  first love last week when I was in San Francisco.  At first it was fine.  I was not nervous to see him because I am at peace with myself and my life.  I am happy and healthy.  I am balanced and for the first time in a long time, I am really good.   So we were catching up about life and our families.  It was a familiar energy and we were making each other laugh.  But there was this sadness from him that I can't explain.  He was so sad and so full of regret.  After a couple of cocktails he finally admitted that he made a lot of mistakes with us when we broke up and he wished he had done things differently.  He could not believe how beautiful I still am and how he wished life was different.   I had mixed feelings all night long.
On the one hand I realized in some ways I have evolved beyond this person.  While I have worked hard not to be my parents, he is exactly like his.  Which is not a good thing.   I kept saying, don't be sad. I am good.   But he is sad.  He is stuck and it felt weird to realize that all these years and all the painful situations I have gone through have allowed me to progress and grown.  But he is stuck.  He is frozen in a situation with the same person he left me for.  When he described his relationship with that person he said, well she puts up with me.  Ugh. There is nothing about this person to put up with.  He is a wonderful and caring person.  It was painful to hear him talk about himself that way.

On the other hand, I still love this person.  I could not help falling in love with him again the more we talked.  All I want to do is snuggle up to this person.  To hold them and just be with them.  Our love connection is too strong.  It was never dramatic or bad.  We loved each other and simply met too young.

We spent way more time together than we thought we would.  We said things to each other we probably should not have.  There is still a connection there and it sent me into a whirlwind these last few weeks.  I am coming out of it and realizing that I love this person and I always will. I don't think I can say that about any other people I have dated.   But I also feel like if we are meant to be together this person will make it happen.  And if not, then I need to keep moving forward, growing and evolving.  I can't solve the pain this person feels.  I can't fix them.

For the first time in our 20 year long relationship, I feel strong and steady.  I will always be there for him.  I will always love him.  I will not run away anymore.  But I also won't hurt myself in trying to convince him to love me back.  Because I don't need his love.  I didn't need his closure.  I don't need anything from this person.

What this person needs is unconditional love and that's what I have to offer them.

Taking care of myself

After almost a month of pushing myself to celebrate my new life, I decided it was time to just detox and slow down.  I spent last week eating super healthy and not drinking (not that I really drink that much).   I took the weekend to just focus on being present and staying healthy.  I went to the farmers market and cooked all day long while cleaning the kitchen and throwing a lot of stuff away.  I just focused on what I was doing and staying positive.

It feels good to have little stress in my life.  And it feels good to be moving forward.  There has been so much pain and emotions over the last two years and I finally feel like they are going away.   I am gearing up to make a new vision map that has no connection to the past.

Next week I am off to San Fran for a couple of day and then I have a couple of days of stay-cation.  I am going to just relax and let go. I have fun things plan but I also just have a lot of alone time planned.  I just want to decompress and come back to center.

For the first time since last year, I am questioning my gym routine.  I don't see my trainer until 7:30 at night and this leaves me exhausted on Tuesdays and Thursdays.   I love my trainer but being at the gym that late on a Monday might not jive with my new job and schedule.   I don't know what to do.  I don't want to give up my routine but I also can't let it affect my job.  

I am going to just sit with these feelings until I know the right next step.

  

Taking a vacation

In two weeks I will be taking one of my first vacations for 2014.   I am going to the Bay Area to attend a conference for fun and I will be seeing someone special.   It feels good to be able to book myself a room in any hotel I want in San Francisco proper and to be able to pay for everything with ease.   It such a change from my past and one that I welcome.
I am also taking some time to just sit still and alone.  I am dealing with this strange month by hibernating and cleaning up my life.   I know it's a funky time astrology wise and that a lot of my friends are in serious pain and suffering.  My heart goes out to them.  I feel slightly uneasy because for once my life is going along with ease while so many others are stumbling.   I feel like all the pain and suffering I had to deal with to  face myself and my issues happened over the last few years so that now I can coast for a few moments and watch my dreams finally unfold.

I started my new job and I could not be happier.   I know there is unease in my department and that my new manager might be a little kooky.  But I intend to stay positive, do my job and when it is time for me to exit, I will leave with ease and return to the gaming world.  I am so much happier to be out of my old job.  It's weird.  It's not like I could not do my old job, I could.  But it just was not a good fit for me.   Something about it made me unhappy everyday I had to be in the office.   Now I wake up in the morning happy and content.

One thing that has been a little different lately is my dreams are much more vivid that they used to be.  I feel like I am processing a lot of internal issues through my dreams.   I am waking up remembering them with messages for myself.   This morning I woke up at 2 am and said out loud - I deserve love and a successful life.  This seems like such a simple message but it is one that has been very far from being something I think about myself.  I don't know how to explain it other than it feels like something shifted last night.  In a really good way.  Something is different today.  I am different.  I feel different.  I feel like for the first time in a very long time, I am seeing myself as the amazing person I truly am.

Intentional Journaling

I was talking last night with someone at a coffee shop about why I journal.  At this stage in my life I have about 30 journals dating back to 1996 when I started to write everything down.   He asked me why I still keep at journal after all these years and I replied because if I write something down it usually comes true.   It may not come true right away but as I move into my next stage in life, I am starting to realize the power of intentional journal writing.    My new job is thanks to a plan that I developed 2 years ago which is my 5 year plan.   I decided to go to school for 1 year to gain new marketing skills.  Then my goal was to get a full time job and leave the consulting world.   Now my next phase is starting.    I can already see the universe working behind the scenes to create the next step.  

I am not ready to share the next couple of phases in my plan because they are very personal and close to my heart.    But I can feel they are close and the best thing to do is to live and just allow the magic to happen.  When I push too hard for something it never works out.  But when I sit back and focus my energy on allowing the universe to bring me the right thing.  Something always comes my way in a very easy and divine way.

Let Me Just Take A Moment

For the last 12 years I have had one goal,  to work in the marketing and branding world as a manager.  I wanted to own a product and creative that the world would see and I could say that I had a part in creating that.   I started my journey in a small town with big city visions.  I worked hard to network and learn as much as I could about the industry.  I was detoured by my break up, my spine injury and the total destruction of my life that these two events caused.  But I climbed my way back up from nothing and I have kept one dream in focus.  To work in the marketing and business world.   I simplified my life and buckled down.  I focused on the journey to making my dream come true.  I cleaned up my life in all different ways; physically, emotionally and mentally.  

I worked hard and let the excitement of being a cool slacker pass me by.   I went back to school to gain new skills.  I let other people take credit for my work because I knew in the end the truth would be known.   As much as it pained me, I let go of people in my life that were not helping me on my path. 

Over time I realized that my dream was not far off or crazy.  My dream was attainable and with each passing month I was closer and closer to making it my reality.  I had setbacks and painful rejections but I kept moving forward.  I had my 5 year plan and I knew I could make it happen.

Two years into my five year plan, I am exactly where I want to be on my path.    My life is unfolding in a surprising but beautiful way. 

I need to take a moment to slow down, rest and just breathe in where I am.   I need to stop and smell the flowers because this is a beautiful moment for me.   I just created what has been a huge dream of mine.   I am finally at a moment where I feel like I can admit a certain level of success.   I am not used to being successful or being able to admit to the fact that I work hard at my success.  It feels foreign to me. 

So that’s what I am going to do for the next few days or maybe weeks.  I am going to slow down, rest, take care of myself and just sit with the knowledge that I just created something I have been dreaming about for years.  

One door opens.... One door closes

One door has opened   

I wish I had a crystal ball and I could see my future because lately it’s been a roller coaster of a ride and I have no idea what the next move is going to be.

I got the job!

Not only is this a perfect job for me, I am finally getting paid what I deserve.  But with all this money comes responsibility and a long fall if something does go wrong.   I am now a marketing manager for a large Mobile company that is breaking up the old ways of doing things.   I am so excited for this job!  The interview process was weird because it was more like having a discussion about the job than being interviewed for a job.  I know this industry so well that I can just talk about it with some level of expertise.  This is a new feeling for me.   I am not used to being successful and not struggling.  

I am suddenly not struggling.  AT ALL!

I start my new gig in a month because my current manager is not ready to lose me.  I am slightly annoyed by this as  I wanted to be done with this job as soon as possible.   This current job is a terrible fit for me.  I was so scared about not working when I left my last job that I jumped at anything I could.   But I will give my current job props in that it got my foot in the door.  Without this job I would never have been able to get hired into the new and exciting job!  I just am ready for a break.  I need a couple of days to do nothing and be ok with it. 

One door has closed

I have been in recovery for almost 5 years now.   Years ago my best friend committed suicide and it get crushed me.  He was a very bad alcoholic and drug user but had a huge heart.  We had been friends since we were teenagers and I was in so much pain after his death.  I went into a recovery program to help deal with my emotions and learn better ways to relate to people.  My friend was not the only reason I went into recover, my Ex had a lot to do with it, my family patterns were also a big reason that I needed to learn better ways of relating.   So after 5 years of becoming emotionally healthier and surrounding myself with people that are working on themselves and being proactive to own their actions and emotions, I get very off balanced when I am spending time with people that are not healthy.   This last weekend I spent time with a friend from 20 years ago that is not in recovery but probably should be.  I held my tongue during our visit but she hurt my feelings and I realized that my life is too busy and my time is worth too much to spend with people that are not going to appreciate me.   Or people that are unhealthy and unwilling to get better.   I feel empowered in my realization that it’s ok to walk away.  She was very important to me at one point in my life but not anymore.   Not in her current state.  I have to get better about who I let into my life because I will give and give and give.  This often ends up with me being taken advantage of and my feelings hurt. 

I feel like there is so much change happening in my life yet for some reason it feels calms and just right.  

I have worked hard to get this job.  I have worked hard to want better people in my life.  I have worked hard to finally realize that I deserve to be treated better than what I have put up with in the past. 

I don’t want to settle anymore. 

Taking care of my emotional self

I need to learn better self care!
This has been a huge lesson for me as of late and the lesson is coming in multiple forms.

First, I interview for a new job this week.  This job is exactly what I did at my old job but for a new company.  I WANT THIS JOB.  I know I can be successful at this job and I already know the players in getting the job done.  But even after this, I still broke down after the last interview and criticized the hell out of myself.   I learned that if I interview for a job, afterwards I need to be very select on the people I let myself be around.  I can't be around anyone that does not love and adore me.  This lesson came because I spent some time after the interview with someone new and I ended up leaving their house in tears.  Not because of anything they did but because their issues triggered my issues which added to the mix of feeling emotionally vulnerable and it was simply too much.
They have no idea I left crying or spent all weekend trying to feel better about myself.  They have no idea that this night caused me to miss my ex more than any night since we broke up.  They have no idea that interviewing for me is like opening up my PTSD wound and pouring straight lemon juice and alcohol on the wound.
But the point is, they should not have to think about this stuff because I need to own my feelings.  It's my fault for not taking better care of myself.  It's my fault for not understanding how sensitive I am after anything happens at work.   I need to be as loving with myself as I am with other people.

The other big step that happened this week is I finally let go of my ex.  The last year since our break up, I have been trying to be friends with this person.   It has been a hard back and forth and this week, I finally realized I had been pushed too far.  I can't be there for this person when our communication is only on their terms.  I can't keep hoping they will come around or wait for them.  I can finally see how cruel and mean they were to me.  And that makes me sad.  Why have I been mourning someone that has been cruel to me?  And not just post break up cruel but pretty cruel from the moment we started dating.  I finally have had enough.  So I took them out of my phone, I took them off all my social media sites and off my IM.  I have cut all ties and on the one hand I feel great!  But then Friday night hit and suddenly I was sad again.
I was sad because there were parts of this person that I was truly compatible with.

So I am clearing deck and moving forward.   I know I am not out of the weeds yet but I am closer than two weeks ago.  And I am ready to keep moving forward.

Lots of doors closing.
Let's hope it means new ones will be opening soon!

Trying to stay present

Today is just one of those days where I want to be present but I simply can’t get my mind to function properly.   I am trying to work but my mind is being distracted by every shiny thing around me.   If I did not have a day job I would be spending time in the sauna, walking in the woods, writing letters to friends and just relaxing.  But I do have a day job so not being able to get anything done is frustrating.  

I have been in this brain fog for a while now.  I think it’s partly because of all the changes I have been dealing with the last six months and partly it stems from the car accident I was in last year, I have just been off.

But my sadness that I felt earlier this week has started to go away and I realized that I need to learn to distinguish between exhaustion and sadness.  Because I am starting to think that exhaustion might translate in my  world as sadness.  

One thing I am excited about is to start a cleanse using a protein drink.  I know it sounds crazy but I have a couple of well-respected people in my world that have used this plan and lost weight.   I want to lean out and lose weight but something in my system is off.  I am hoping this month long plan will help.   I am 6 days in and so far it’s going ok.  I have not stepped on a scale yet so I won’t know the true number but I am more aware of what food I am eating and my cravings for unhealthy food are decreasing.  I am snacking less and focusing on clean meals more.   Fingers crossed that this program will help me because I am slightly frustrated at the moment.   I hit some sort of plateau and it’s annoying.

I am spending tonight hanging out with a new friend and playing video games while snuggling.  This makes me very happy!