Feelings

Yesterday I was rereading my blog and was amazed to read that I could feel the energy of change long before I see the change.  This got me to thinking about how much I might be ignoring my intuition and feelings.   I have been rolling around with this idea of feelings and intuition being deeply connected since learning about Danielle LaPorte.   She suggests we focus on feelings.  How do you want to feel?   The details are not as important as the feelings.  That’s what struck me about my past blog entries over the last few months.  The feelings I expressed turned out to be true months before the actual actions started to happen.   It all makes sense now in hindsight.   This whole experience made me realize that I need to capture my feelings more so that I can better understand what is going to happen. 

So while I was sitting at the beach last night I realized that right now I have this overwhelming feeling of my soul mate being close. Very close.  This has been happening for a couple of months now but it has not been a feeling that I could figure out until last night.  

I have been single for a while now.  I dated somewhat over the last few years but there was always a voice in my head saying, “this isn’t the one”.   What I have started to feel lately is the one is closer than I realize.  I can feel their energy near me.  It’s a peaceful, loving energy.  It’s an energy that makes me excited and feel a level of love that I have never known.     

I feel like everything else in my life is at peace.  Work is not ideal but it will help me get to the next level.   My health is in the best place it ever has been.  I am not struggling at all.   Not much else is going on but this feeling of excitement that my love is getting closer.  I have even gone out of my way to start letting myself dream and feel what this will be like to be with this person.  

Empty Space

                            

All this change has created a lot of empty space and it turns out, I have a hard time dealing with empty space.   I am growing again in my life.   Not due to weight.  I am shrinking in size.  But my life is growing.  My world is growing.   And it's uncomfortable and hard.

Last summer I made a decision to bring a little fire into my life by working with an energy healer.   At the time I was wanting to get over my latest breakup and just needing some help moving forward.   I had no idea what I was stepping into when I contacted this healer.  We were talking this week and she reminded me about how structured and scared I was that nothing change in my life.   Yet, this was a life that was no longer serving me.   And here I am 6 months later where my life has completely changed and blown up but in a really good way.   I feel like a slow moving fire has been burning through my life and touching all areas.    My job is different, my body is different, my interests in life are different, the people I want to date are different, my living situation is different.  I am different.

And yet, I am returning to a version of myself that is home.  

When I contacted this healer I could not have imagined what the next six months were going to be like.  If you had told me what was going to happen to me I would have told you that there is no way that would happen.

And yet here I am.  Someone that had to give up everything she thought about herself and her life so that new things could come.  And someone that suddenly has all this space in her life to start creating magic.   Because this has been the biggest change of all.   I can feel the magic coming back into my life.  I am about to embark on a new adventure where I bring what I want in life to me.  I did it once at 21 and it was cool.   This time it is going to be beautiful!

Sometimes we all need help

A very important life lesson I have learned in the last year is that sometimes we all need outside help.   I regularly see a personal trainer to help me put fitness first.   I have a life coach to help me stay focused on creating the life I want.  I have a massage therapist and physical therapist to help my body recover from my various spine issues and now I have decided to hire someone to help me organize my house. 
There are a lot of things in life I am good at.  But organzing a room is not one of them.  Once it's organized I am good at keeping it that way.  But actually getting it into a living state is just not something I can handle right now.  So I am reaching out to people to help me. 

This is a huge step for me.  I am finally taking charge of my life and making it my own.  I am creating what I want on my terms.  It feels so good.
It also feels good that I have gone down 3 clothing sizes.  I still have a ways to go but wow!  I am starting to really see the difference.

2014 is going to be a good year.

The New Year Has Been Good So Far

It has been an interesting start to the new year.   It’s been quiet and I have been peaceful.  I did a fire ceremony on New Year’s Day.  I burned all my old vision boards and really just let go of what I think I want in life.   I can’t control things anymore.  I can put positive energy out into the world but the rest of it is not up to me anymore.   I have abstract ideas of what I want in life but I must let go of them for them to manifest.  

This has been an important change in the way I think.  Before I would focus on an image of what I thought life should be and then I would get upset when it did not manifest or if it did manifest, I would realize that it was not what I needed or wanted.  

So now I am just focusing on my feelings.  What does love feel like?  What does peace feel like?  What does success feel like?   

I feel like this will allow for more magic into my life.  It will allow for my options to open up and it allows for me to let go of the process and just focus on living.

I have started my journey towards clean eating and so far so good.   I have been packing my meals for work during the week.  I have been drinking my water and just focusing on simple living.  It feels good.   I have also been focusing more on cardio than on weight lifting.   I have the muscle mass I need.  Now it’s time to work on losing weight and getting my heart rate up.  It’s all a beautiful process that is unfolding exactly how it should be.

New Year - New Me

This year has been one of the most challenging years I have ever been dealt.   Sure, it was not as hard as being bed ridden and facing an insane amount of medical debt.  But this year was hard emotionally.  I faced a lot this year,  normally I think that people are almost only good.  This year I was shown many different people that deep down were just not good.   I don’t like to use the word evil often but this year I met some truly evil people.  People that went out of their way to take other people down. 

But as the year comes to a close I am working on forgiveness and release. Yes, I dealt with some dark people this year. Yes, it was a challenging year.  But I also grew this year.  I truly changed.  I dealt with all the darkness this year with stability, grace and did not sabotage myself in the process.  I became flexible in way I never knew possible and I kept my faith that the right thing would happen.  And the right thing almost always did happen.  The places where I can’t see it yet, I know it will prove itself. 

So as the year comes to a close, I am looking to 2014 and what I want to focus on and where I want to set my intentions.  So far my list is focused on my health and happiness.  Starting in 2014 I am going to move towards a clean diet.  I am going to make my food for the week and pack my lunch every day.  I am going to continue to meet with my trainer and become stronger .   I am also going to be more protective over myself and my time.   I have started to realize that I am protective of everyone but myself.  There are some people and situations that I have allowed in my life are no longer acceptable.   As I have grown in confidence and self-love this year, I have realized that I no longer want to just “put up” with stuff anymore.  I want to live in happiness and love.   I refuse to be someone that “puts-up” with anything.  If something is no longer working or never worked, then I will walk away.   This always felt wrong to me when I was younger because I felt like I was giving up.  But as I get older and realize that I have choices in my life.  I can choose light over darkness.   And I can walk away from things, people, situations that are no longer positive for me and that is OK.

I  feel at peace as 2013 comes to a close. For the first time in years I have agreed to go to a party on New Year’s Eve instead of staying home.  I am  honoring myself and my intention list in other ways.   I know it will be a better year because I am in a better place.  

The last two months have cleared a lot of people and situations out of my life.  It’s been an interesting end to year.   I heard from my Ex after 6 years.  It was not exactly the email I wish I would have received but I also had gotten to a place in life where I did not need to receive anything from this person.  I had forgiven myself and him a long time ago and truly had moved on.  He has not been in my thoughts at all these last few years.   But the email was important to him so I witnessed it for him.   And I let him know there was still love in my heart for him.    I had two friends from high school change in ways that were no longer compatible with me any longer.  There is no fault in either of those situations.  I am just searching for something deeper, more stable and more giving.   I let these people go with love.  The job I loved and worked my ass off for went away this year.   But something better came in its place.

So many endings will lead to new beginnings. 

This makes me very excited for 2014!

Change has happened

The Universe finally did it.   Change is happening.

The week before Thanksgiving I found out my job was ending.  After three years of blood, sweat and tears, my department re-orged and I was out of a job.   I kept praying the right thing would happen and I truly believed it.  
One miracle meeting lead to another and I am now newly employed before my old job even ends.  I am moving to a Mobile phone company and I could not be more excited.  I will be slightly sad to leave the world of games but I know I will be back in this industry soon enough.   And with this new job I will finally be at a level that I deserve.

So much change!

The last year of my life has started to finally make sense.  And I am embracing it all!

Things are keeping me busy

Life changes have me distracted.   I am stretching my wings and this time it does not involve work or school.  It surrounds my personal life and love life and it feels so good!

I am finally feeling free from myself.  I want to jump in my car and just hit the road for a month.  I want to spend my days driving, thinking, taking photographs and writing.  I want to meet new people and try on my new self to see what kind of person I really am.   Because frankly I don't know.
I mean, I know who I am.   But I am finally letting down my guard in such a powerful way that I want to show this new truth to the world.

I feel so good.   I am losing weight again.  I am working with a new trainer that is making a ton of progress in getting my body back into a healthy place.   I will see myself in a mirror and the first thing I think now is.... I am beautiful.   Do you know how unusual this thought is about myself?  This is the first time in 20 years I have thought this about myself.   It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.  That for so many years I refused to look in the mirror or when I did I hated what I saw.

I could blame it on my long term ex.  His parting words to me were "I was never attracted to you.  I thought I would learn to be attracted to you but because of your weight it never happened".    But I don't want to give him that power.  No, this journey has been about me and I own every ugly and beautiful part of it. 

Change is happening

Today I start my first class towards becoming a life coach!
This is a giant step for me and a step that I am so excited to take.   I have been dreaming about this change since over the summer and I can't wait to start being active in creating my new reality.

I also have come to a lot of truths about myself lately.   By embracing these truths, I feel like the dark clouds are starting to part.  I have this new level of Joy bubbling up and it feels so good.   I can't keep pretending to be something that I am not.   I know why I have been pretending to be this person but it finally needs to stop.  I am embracing my truth and a funny thing has happened.  Everyone around me is being supportive and loving towards me.  I feel giddy.

I am not ready to fully share this truth with the world so I hold it dear to my heart right now.  But by embracing my true self, I am finally feeling true love and peace about myself and the world.

I am so looking forward to the start on my book club!

Being on the edge of change

I know this feeling.   I have had it before.   It's familiar yet I can't define it yet.

It's the feeling of being on the edge of a major change but not knowing how this change will manifest.   It's not the most comfortable place to be.   I am uncomfortable with my old life and yet I am not experiencing the new life yet.   I am doing a lot of praying and dreaming.   I am maintaining my current life while waiting.  
What is nice is that I get older, I no longer feel the need to be destructive during this time.  In the old days I would have ended relationships, quit jobs and moved across the country just to stop this feeling but not now.  Now I am challenging myself to live in it.   To go deep inside myself and see what my heart is calling me to do.  And to just experience these feelings but I no longer want to be shut down anymore.

I am starting to receive emails from people interested in joining the book club that I signed up to lead.  This is exciting!  
I am preparing to sign up to become a life coach which is a huge change for me.  And I am still focusing on my health and happiness.  

I had one very successful moments this past weekend.  I attended a party this weekend that was thrown by an old friend from high school.  I have not seen any of these people since the day I graduated from high school.   Many years ago I had my 10 year reunion and I skipped it.  I was not in a place where I felt like I was ready to see my classmates.   There were only 37 of us and we had all been going to school together for years.  I was so disappointed with my life and felt insecure that I shut almost everyone out in my life.
Well this weekend was different.   I am happy with my life.  I am relaxed.  I am confident. 
It was so great to see these people that were so important in my childhood yet they don't even realize it.   It was like going home in so many ways.  

I am not where I want to be in life yet but I am finally stepping into my life in a way where I am happy and proud of everything I have done.   And I want to open myself up more to people.  

I think this is my new goal at the moment.  To open myself up more and connect with people.   This feels very right for me at the moment.

The Desire Map Book Club

What have I done?

I just signed up to lead a local chapter of Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map Book Club.  I am so exited for this opportunity to meet with new people, to grow in my life personally and professionally and to start working with Danielle LaPorte's book.   I have a feeling that life is going to grow and change because of this decision and I am embracing it all!


Lately I have been working with my feelings and energy and trying to lead with the feeling of love.   This has been very useful lately as my life continues to evolve and change.   I am dealing with feelings long buried and ignored. I am having feelings surface that I never knew where in me.  It has been strange but very much a process of the storm before the calm.   I know I am ridding myself of things that need to be out of my life but it's so hard right now.

And I have new changes on the horizon that are exciting! 

But before I can get fully excited I have to keep working through my feelings and healing.  It's a process.

Trying to have Faith

My theme lately is one around Faith.   I am struggling with having faith that the right thing will happen.  I want to plan, control and force what I want to happen in my life but right now it's just not working.  
Because of this I have been suffering.   I was feeling upset about my life, my direction, my surroundings but then something clicked last week.

And I just let go!

I realized that the right thing will happen.   I have to stop living in the future or living in the past.  I need to just focus on what's happening in that moment and release the rest.   And with that my pain calmed down.  I felt present again and I am just putting everything into the hands of the Universe.  I will stay active in laying the foundation to the direction I want to go in life based on my feelings.   The details are not something I can control.  I know I want a successful career that I love.  I know I want a partnership with someone that makes me very happy.   I know that I want to enjoy my family and friends.  And that I want to live an intentional life.

Beyond that.   It's none of my business.   My career can be anything that makes me happy and provides for my life.   My partnership is closer than ever because I am breaking down walls within myself and doing my work.  My time with family and friends can be amazing because I actively make these dates fun and open to adventure. 

It's still a daily struggle in many ways but everyday I am a little calmer and trusting faith more.  

I want more fun in life

My soul is screaming for more fun in life.   I am focusing too much on changing my life that I feel like I am not enjoying things enough.  So my goal for the next few weeks is to have more fun in life.   I am in a great place in my life.   Yes there are things I want that I do not have yet.  But there are also an amazing amount of great things in my life that I need to be grateful for.  

So I am going to have more fun.  I am going to write in my journal at a bar all by myself.  I am going to buy some colored pencils and paper and I am going to draw.   I am going to make silly dates with my friends and have some fun adventures.    I am going to let myself enjoy the moment and not focus or talk about all the things I am working on. 

Sometimes I don't sit back enough and love myself.  I push myself to change all the time, passed the point of exhaustion.  Sometimes I just want to relax and have fun.  

And sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I don't realize it until after the fact.  And then I beat myself up over this. This is my theme for today.  Ugh....

But right now I have decided to stop blogging.  To take a long lunch and get outside and be a part of society.  I am too tied to my computer and my Internet and all other things.  I am going to be free for a couple of hours!

Finding my North Star

Almost 4 years ago I closed the door on my candle company.  It was a painful process for me.  I realized at the time that I needed to focus on my health and I was in no position to focus on healing while running the company.  I felt like I was being thrown back into the abyss.  I scrambled while facing some very tough circumstances.  I mourned the loss of my company, my best friend and my long term relationship.  

I was lucky enough to be able to pick up a job in the gaming industry and I focused on making it my life.  I worked hard and did everything I could to keep up with the pace while I returned to a healthy lifestyle.   For the last 3 years I have been happy in my current position but wanting more in life.   I reached out for new opportunities but every time it looked like a change was happening, it would disappear right away.   I struggled with what to do in life and realized that I just needed to sit with my life.  I needed to be still and just wait.  Sometimes spirit works when we focus on other things.

I got healthy, I hired a trainer, I dealt with another breakup, school and family situations.   I gave myself space and tried to remain open.  It has not been an easy process at all.  I feel like I am peeling this onion inside of myself and with every layer I look at my eyes burn.  I am forced to face my shadow and work through the process.  It's so painful!  I never imagined that working on my issues could be such a hard process and yet with every layer, I am happier.  I am more free to be open to life.  Once I get over the pain and the process of dealing with a shadow layer,  I am stronger.  I am able to tackle the next block in life and my path starts to clear up. 

I finally can see my next path in life.   My soul is speaking to me and my vision is clear.   I know what I want to do next.  And I am so excited to finally was able to see my next step.  It makes so much sense to me. Everything suddenly makes sense.  School, work, my relationship and the break up, my trainer.  It's all connected!  All of the confusion I have suffered from over the last two years is replaced by energy, vision and purpose.

The Universe works in mysterious ways.   I have a couple of steps to take before I can start my next adventure but I am closer than ever to creating my life exactly how I want it to be.  And to be in  a place where I can truly help other people create their dreams.  And make a living while being able to live in my sea of passions!

Writing is becoming a daily activity

When I am not blogging, I am deep in my journal writing.  I feel like I am returning home after many years away.  I am sorting myself out.   At this point in my life I might have over 100 journals.  They are all over my room. And yet I never go back.  I never read any of them because I am not ready to return to those emotions.  I am finally at a place in my life where all unhappy emotions are disappearing but I am not yet far enough away to return to that place.
My journaling has changed over the years and is returning back to the place where my life and my desires melt into one. 

I have also been focusing on my health, working out and eating better.   It's bad but all I want to do now is go to the gym, work out and journal.  My main focuses in life are evolving and my idea of what I want to do in life is changing.   I want to be more holistic and healthy.  But I also want to make more money and have a career.  So after many years in the video game industry, I am now thinking about how can I more closer to my path in life.  I love my job and love my industry but I also love being in my body.  And I want to help other people that are overweight and overwhelmed to come to love their bodies as much as I have come to love mine. 

So I am putting this out there.  I don't know if this means a career change or just continuing doing what I am doing now.  But I wanted to put it out in the world and see what happens.   I am ready to open myself up more to changes in my life and see where the Universe takes me.

Cashmere weather is coming

We are slowly sliding into the fall.  Seattle is holding out but there is a feeling in the air.   We are closer to my birthday which usually signals the end of summer, the nights are getting longer, the mornings are a bit colder and darker.   I am starting to slow down and want to rest a little more.  I am looking at my cashmere box and yearning to be able to pull out my sweaters.  And I am getting excited for snowshoeing adventures.

Life lately has coniststed of me going deep into myself and working a lot of things out.  These things do not have anything to do with work or my career.   These are very personal issues that I am ready to take head on and work on.  It has been a whirlwind summer of emotions, memories and healing.  So much healing!
I have confronted myself and people and finally admitted feelings that I now realize were buried very deep in me.   I feel so powerful and happy.  I feel free from confusion and I feel steady.  These conversations were beautiful.  And I will never regret the decisions that were made.   I am leaving this summer so filled with love and joy.   And I am grateful for this.

If only I could figure out how to snowshoe in the summertime!

Cleaning House

Change is all around me right now.  I am cleaning house in so many different ways in my life.  It's a beautiful process.   I am standing up for myself in a way I never have before.  And I am starting to realize that over the last 15 years, I have lived with a lot of limiting beliefs and I am now ready to release them. 

It was a pretty big realization I had last week when it hit me that I had these very deep limiting beliefs.  If you met me in life, you would think that I already manifest big things in my life.  I have a great career and make enough money to really take care of myself.  I have everything I need in life and very little debt.  But deep down I have come to realize that there is a glass ceiling to my dreams.  They only go so far.  They cover my basic needs but they do not push me over into that extraordinary life I long and intend to live.  
I have taken a couple of days to really let this reality sink in.  My life can be so much more once I determine what it is I want.  With my new knowledge that I can create so much more, I want to take the time and space to think about what it is I truly want.  There is a lot of power to this deep realization.  I feel like someone suddenly cleaned a very dirty window and I can suddenly see into a dream world I never knew was out there.

I have started to create a couple of new vision boards for myself.  It's fun to see how different these boards are now than even 1 year ago.  I am so much more open to myself, to God and to the beauty that is this world.   I feel so blessed to be able to take this time in my life to dig deeper into myself and heal.  

Thanks to all this work, I am also going through my room and finally getting rid of items that no longer mean anything to me. I will be donating my books to the goodwill in hopes that someone can use them to get to a better place in life.  I will be donating clothing to a woman's shelter.  I will be throwing away things that are just garbage.  It feels so good to be releasing this energy.