Making Space and Standing Up For Myself

I have been changing a lot lately.  

It’s exhausting.  Change is hard.  Changing your career dreams is terrifying especially when you don’t have a very supportive manager.   I went from one wolf to another.  Same wolf- different clothing.  It’s frustrating but I know it’s not me. That’s the positive side to all of this.   I am showing up and doing the best I can.   It’s true when they say that  only 10% of managers are qualified to manage.  I look forward to the day when I am out of the corporate world and working for myself and building my empire.   

I have so much empathy for teenagers and college age kids suddenly.  All the growth I have gone through in the last couple of years has been painful and hard.  I had dinner with a dear friend from college on Wednesday that spends most of the year on the road touring with famous bands.  We were talking about the last 7 years of my life and he reminded me that I have been through some very dark moments and yet, I survived.   We laughed about the time he came to visit when I had just found out about my spine disease and I did not know if I would ever be able to walk again.   I had taken a massive amount of pain meds just to see him and ended up getting really sick at dinner.  Yet here I am 7 years later, still walking.   Sometimes it’s good to have an old friend remind you of how far you have come.

Monday I start a new job!  I was able to transfer to a position that is much closer to where my skill set is and at a higher wage.  I am so grateful to have such a strong and supportive network of former coworkers turned friends turned protective champions.   They all saw my struggles and banded together to get me into something better.  I am staying at my favorite company, just returning to a better division.  I am so excited!

My heart is so full of love and gratitude today. 

It’s going to be a stretch for me as I will need to learn new skills but ultimately it will open so many  more doors for me.  And its allowing me to get my company started just that much sooner. 

This has been a whirlwind of life lessons that I still need to process before I write about them but I will say they all center around power, confidence, strength, purpose and communication.   And now I need a power nap!

Sometimes Magic Finds You

Yesterday I received a package with a new magical oil in it but there was also a surprise in the package that I was not expecting nor was I wanting it or shall I say, I did not realize I wanted it.   Someone send me a piece of a very sacred South American vine that has a powerful clearing, truth telling and loving magic.  It's not a piece of magic you approach lightly.

The first thing I said when I realized that I was opening was "Sh-t, Sh-t, SH-T!"  and put the bag on my table.  I grabbed my dog and went outside to call my friend to talk to her about this package.   She is the one that told me about this vine and the magic that comes from this vine.  She said she was not going to work with the vine because of how potent and demanding it could be.   It requires respect, it requires attention and love.
We actually had been laughing about this vine earlier in the day because of stories we had been hearing about how this vine was working magic in people's lives and they were not yet ready for it.  So as soon as I received a piece I needed some fresh air.
How do you just receive a piece of this magic? It seems crazy that a piece of this rare vine just showed up in my life.  I guess the thing about this vine is it finds you.  It calls you and shows up in your life.  It's not something you seek out.   It's something that appears when you are ready for it.  If you come at it too early or fast it can be harsh.

After my walk I had a call with my coach and she asked what was going on.  She mentioned that I looked a little stressed.  I said that I had received this South American vine in the mail and I was nervous about it.  Of course she knew all about it and wanted me to show it to her.  I pulled it out of the bag and we both made a noise at the same time.  My little piece of vine is in the shape of a heart.

The heart and opening of my heart is what I am working on right now.  For the last few months I have been working on opening up my heart chakra and opening myself up to love.   It has been hard and exhausting work but so rewarding. It's all part of my life's purpose and my new business.  We both knew as soon as we saw the vine that it was staying with me.  It feels so loving, warm and magical.  Not at all scary like I had thought it would feel.  My coach said, that's because you have done the work and the vine found you to bring you the rewards of the hard work.  So I started to build the vine a little altar in my bedroom and will continue to build it a little home to see how life unfolds with this new addition.

It's funny because everyone that I have mentioned this story too thinks it's perfect.  My friend that had original told me about the vine said she thinks the vine is here to protect me and heal me.  She is excited that this little vine piece found me even if I did not seek it out.

I am so grateful for the Universe and these little magical moments that are becoming a daily occurrence. I am grateful that I have been doing all this work so that I am ready for the magic coming my way.  And I am grateful as my heart is opening and my life is filling up with love.  I have never felt this loved before in my entire life.  

Full Moon Release

The full moon released a lot for me this weekend.  I know it will continue to release all week long.   Some of it was painful but most of it was beautiful and much needed.   I feel like I have moved to the next level in my journey and I am working hard to stay in a place of faith and love.

Friday I had dinner with old coworkers from the gaming world.  But our conversation centered about spiritual matters.  It was perfect. The more I open up about my passions, the more I am connecting to people and making authentic new friends.
Then Mr. Big Man and I had our date and now I feel like we can go back to being friends and I can focus on work and my company.   As much as I like Mr. Big Man, he is not the one.  I know that.  But I do adore his male essence and I need it in my life.  I will always love him.  But he is not the kind of man you settle down with. Or shall I say, he is not the kind of man I settle down with.  However, he will always be in my life and on my mind.  I do know this.  We have been connected together for 4 years and have ebbed and flowed in and out of each others lives.  We recently admitted our feelings but we also know there are barriers to the situation.  And for once, I don't want to fight those barriers or ignore them.  It's ok to love someone and not be with them.  This is something I have never understood until Mr. Big Man.  He has a part of my heart and I have a part of his.  But it's just not the right life time. 

Saturday I did some work and just napped.   I was tired from such an exhausting week.  I thought my new job would be a much needed break from my last job but it turns out not to be the case.   I am working to move to another area that would be closer to the gaming industry again.  I don't want to work like I did when I was younger and had to put in 50 plus hour weeks.  It's not worth it to me anymore in life.   I had two great meetings with old coworkers on Friday morning and I hope to move into a new division soon. 
Saturday night I went out with my girlfriends to a dance club and just enjoyed being out in public.   I am finally feeling like being out in public is fun again.   I am official half my old body size now.   I feel like my old self!  I love the fact that I no longer feel nervous about my body anymore.  And that my body is handling all this change in such a great and loving way.

I have a very busy next few weeks.   I am starting to network again as I build my board of directors for my new company.  I just received my business cards and they look amazing!   I need to work on my website this week and some other "paperwork"  type work.  But it's all being done with love and excitement because everyone I have talked too about my company is so excited about it.  I have gotten the best feedback and guidance from my mentors.  I just have a couple of steps to take before I launch this baby.  I have never been more determined or focused or happy in my entire life.  This is it.  This is my life's purpose and it's big,  it's going to be public and soon enough it will be mainstream.

I love this life!

Symbiotic

This weekend was intense and so very powerful.  I can barely speak today as I am still swirling from my time  with master mentor and coach Jen L. from the East Coast.  We had so many moments where magic showed itself.  From Owls singing to me as I built my threshold altar after Jen mentioned sometimes she could hear owls but not often, to me writing things in my journal that she said to me in the exact same way 1 hour later, to her reading me a poem that she has been obsessed with for 3 days that related to my journey.  She kept saying she could not figure out why she was so obsessed with the poem and suddenly it all made sense.   I had been sharing my magic with her before I even arrived to the Island. 
Every time we turned around there were moments that were beautiful and perfect.

She heard my big dream and knows it is going to manifest.  She can she see it as clearly as I can.  She also witnessed all my fears and we released them.

Today I am Bone Tired.  So tired I can't even talk.   I feel like I ran a marathon this weekend.  I wish I could just sit at the beach in silence and journal because I discovered so much about myself, my heart and my journey this weekend. 

The Threshold has been crossed.
I am no longer the same.
I left my old journey behind and I stand here in a new place.

I am so ready for this BIG DREAM.

New moon

Friday night is a very powerful night for setting intentions.   I just finished my ritual and now I am off to a salt bath then bed.  I am feeling blessed and magical.

Cup of Tea and A Magical Island Adventure

With the new moon and eclipse happening this week, I can feel myself crossing over a threshold of sorts.  I am entering into a new phase in my life and the universe is throwing doors open for me and welcoming me to my life's purpose and path.  I feel like pinching myself everyday.

While there is a large part of me that is excited about what's happening, it's also exhausting.  I made the decision to clean my life and energy field out.  It's been clearing up quickly and lessons have been coming fast.  I am lucky in that I know what's happening so I am not fighting any of these amazing changes.   I am allowing for these big life changes to happen and I am grateful for them but geez, I could use a week at the beach to just recharge.  This has been the most exhausting work I have ever done.

On the other hand, doors are flying open and I am being invited to meet the top of the top in the industry I am about to enter.  People are entering into my life and inviting me to work with them in a way that I have never experienced.  My life is seriously on the verge of change in the best way.  My dreams are quickly becoming reality.  It almost feels like I can't dream fast enough to keep up with how much stuff is manifesting right now.

I had the best massage the other day from someone new.  She said to me early on, "You are like a seed about to burst with new life".   I can feel it.   I said, that's funny because I am about to start a small new little company.  She said "Nothing is going to be small about this company.  It's going to be way bigger and more amazing than you even realize".   I almost started crying with excitement and fear.

I am ready to walk the path that I know I should be walking.  I am ready for my dreams to become reality.  I am so ready to launch this baby into the world.

I am preparing for a magical adventure this weekend on one of our local island with a very powerful lady from the East Coast.  She has been preparing for our session all week.  I can't wait to see what kind of magic we can do together!   I have stones, candles, oils, flowers and herbs all ready to take with me.   I am ready to cross my threshold and enter into something new.  

Update On The Everyday Stuff

I realized this morning that I have not updated lately on my everyday life.  So today is dedicated to the normal, the everyday things that make life what it is.

My job is good.  It's exactly what I wanted.  I have a flexible schedule.  I have a better manager and I am back at a company I love.   I come into the office most days but no one is watching me and the clock.   I deliver my work on time and I am given the freedom I need to be the best employee I can be.  Pure Bliss!
And I get to work from home whenever I want.  This is so important to me and my health!

I am slightly overbooked right now in life.   I need to clear my social calendar out a bit because I am feeling the frazzled side come out.   I haven't been able to just relax and read a book lately.  I haven't been writing as much as I need.   But I am doing so much good work right now that I am not worried. And I am connecting with friends so I am not ready to give up the frazzle just yet.

One big decision I made this week is I have decided that I am going to invest in some meal prep services for during the week.  I am so busy that making dinner at night is stressing me out.  I can afford to have meals delivered and if it means that I get to spend more time relaxing and taking care of other things during the week than I am going to invest in that right now.   It feels so good to make this decision.

So next week marks my first week!  I can't wait!
One of the many perks of working in the tech field. 

Cutting Cords

The last few weeks while I have been getting body work and energy work done, everyone kept mentioning some sort of huge energy hook in my left shoulder.   I had no idea what it was in reference too but three different people I work with all mentioned it to me in different sessions.

Today I met with a very powerful mentor of one of my coaches and she not only noticed it but she was able to tell me exactly where this hook came from and why I had it.

WOW.
All I can say is I finally feel free.

I feel healed.
I no longer feel like I am at fault for my past pains which has been a huge block for me.

Is anyone else feeling these changing tides?  So much change happening all around.  I know some people are having a really hard time with it but I feel like all of this stuff that is happening is so cleansing and  beautiful.  But I am ready for true change.  I had given up on the need to control once I hit my Saturn retuning and these last few years have prepared me to be ready to totally cleanse my life.  So all these changes,  all this tense energy, all this pain is being put to good use.  I am going deep into it and coming out stronger.

My best advice to my loved ones around me having a hard time is to go deep and let go.  Just let go of everything.  People, relationships, work, dreams, ego, shoulds/woulds, just go deep and let the universe blow your life up.  Because you will come out new, refreshed and ready to do what you are meant to do.

It's the best thing that will ever happen to you. 

A Little Down Time

Today I need a little down time to recharge.  I have made no plans except to be totally open to see what happens.  So far I have gone from reading to cleaning to art to seeing the beauty in my home with my best fur friend.

This full moon in Virgo was intense in the best way.  The front half of the week was slightly miserable.  Everyone was cranky and life just felt hard.  But Thursday everything had turned around to a love filled world.   I am always amazed at the power of the moon and how sensitive we are to it.

I am feeling like I am back on track after a couple of weeks of feeling off balanced.  It feels good to be grounded again.  I am back to planning my new company.  To my self care routine.  To making art and adding joy in my life.  Ahhhh.  Feels so good to be back on the right track!  I spent this week really connecting with friends.  I needed just a week to see people and talk; to reconnect and share with them.  Just a week to let go and just let life guide me.

This week also marked a lot of healing and releasing.  It was beautiful.  For the first time in years, I have real space in my life thanks to the healing old wounds from the past.  And it all happened in a really gentle and sweet way.   I am so grateful for 2015 and my life.  

Feeling Settled

I am feeling so good today.   I am feeling settled and free.

It's amazing what a little sunshine and calming of the mind can do.  All the discomfort from the last month is gone.  Magic is happening and I am so grateful.

I am seeing old friends and coworkers coming back into my life.  I am showering people with love and making amazing new friends that are aligned with where I am in life right now.  I want to pinch myself because I am on the right path and it feels so good.

The cherry trees are blooming in Seattle and Spring is in full swing.  Tonight is a very powerful full moon in Virgo and it's energy is kicking my tush in a good way.  I need to get focused with my feet on the group.  I have been living a little up in the air lately so I am ready to spend the weekend really getting grounded.

Getting grounded and being present.  

Morning Walk

I am so grateful to live in such a beautiful place.  Sometimes I feel like I am in such a hurry to get everything done that I don't take enough to just enjoy how beautiful my little world is. 

Worthy of

I have been thinking a lot about this question "is someone worthy of being in my life"  and I realized last night that it sounds like it is coming from a place of judgment.  But that's not my intention when I ask this question.  What I am trying to figure out about the other person is if we are on similar paths. 
I am not using worthy as an ego word but I am using it to acknowledge to myself about howI love my life right now and I want people in my life that will compliment this magical world and share in it with me.  Because I want to share everything about my life with those around me that I love.
And  in the past I have been known to share with people that are not very nice back. 

So when I ask myself this question, it's not because I think I am better than anyone.   And it's not because I look down on people.   I am asking this question to really think about if this person has the type of energy and love I want in my life right now.  Are they going to love me as much as I love them?  Are we going to support and grow together or get in each other's way.

It's strange because I have survived for so long on such little self worth/ego energy that often I forget this ego world exists.  But then I am reminded that there are people in this world that actually feel they are better than other people.  Ugh.  What a horrible way to live. 

How can I rephrase my question so that in my mind I am asking myself to think about people while doing it in a way that does not imply judgement to other people.  Something to ponder this weekend. 

Falling into Magic

Life is falling into place in a really magical and wonderful way.  I wake up every morning excited to see how my day is going to go because I know something fun and divine will happen.  I am use to being lucky but now it’s like life has been turned to 11 and everyday there is more and more magic.  More and more luck.  More and more signs from the divine that I am on the right path and being rewarded for finally being ready to move forward towards my purpose.

I am setting up a transformational weekend in March where a very powerful woman will be flying out from the East Coast to help me cross into this new life.  We will be doing this in the San Juan Islands in a lovely cottage in the woods.  Afterwards I will be going to the spa for the night where I will just relax into a cozy bed and celebrate crossing the threshold.   I am ready to enter into this new realm in life and I have all these amazing resources coming my way to guide me.  I could not be more excited about life right now.   My heart feels full and content.  Any longing that I used to have is now replaced with gratitude and excitement for my journey.

I have all these new wonderful friends coming into my life as well.  This Sunday marks the start of Hannah Marcotti’s Magic Making Circle.   Her first assignment is already making me step back and pause.   I need to take a selfie of my true nature as I am.   Wow.  I know that all this work is preparing me for a new phase in life where I will be a little more in the spotlight but I am so used to being behind the scenes.  I am not sure I am ready to be SEEN.   But there is a part of me that is ready.  Truly ready.  I have been working so hard for my authentic self to come forward and to be able to capture this lady (me) in a single photograph is just the kind of creative project I need to make me excited for this weekend!

My heart is even opening up with all this excitement.  I am having all these wonderful people coming into my world and all these divine connections happening.  I can feel my heart opening up a little everyday as I connect more and more with the Universe.  I feel loved, safe, grateful and so much peace. 

Love Does Not Fade

Sometimes my lessons around love takes years to learn.  This time last year I was learning a deep lesson about my first love.
Now I am learning about my second love.  Luckily for me I am learning this lesson with a little more space and less heartache than last year.

I truly loved the man I lived with for 7 years.  I wanted nothing more than for him to step into his mature and adult self and be the man that I knew he could be.  But when we were together that was just not possible.  After our breakup I had to shut down to him.  We went almost 6 years with no communication at all.  I moved on.  I thought very little about him.  I made a new life and I was happy.  But lately he has come back in small ways and I am being forced to confront my feelings.

I loved this man and I couldn't be the woman he loved in this world.

It crushes me to write that.  I wanted so badly to be this woman.  He was my world for years and when he left me and took up with someone else the next day, it was the worst feeling ever.  But out of survival I had to move on.  And I did move on.

But as my life moves forward and becomes this amazing magical place.  As my career takes off and as I begin to take the steps to launch my new company (more to come!)  I am starting to realize all the little places I miss this person more than I ever thought I would.  I miss him at night when I come home to my empty house.  I miss him when I get a promotion or raise and I want to hug someone and celebrate.  I miss him when I want to lay in bed with our animals and have a snuggle fest like we used too.

The thing is, I can't live in the past.  I know there is a part of me that misses those moments but I don't know this man anymore.  And he doesn't know me.  We are strangers.  And while I can sit here and announce to the world that there was a point in time that I really loved this person.  I don't know what he is like now.  I don't know if he is worthy of being with me.  And his silence mixed with passive and odd attempts at communication make me realize that it's probably for the best that we remain distant.  Because I would want him to stand in his power and realize he is the amazing person I see him to be. And to be that person, he would need to be strong and secure and available and I just don't know if he is any of those things.

So  my lesson right now is yes, I loved this man with all my heart.  I will always love this man.  I don't think about our relationship or the past in a negative way.
But sometimes love from a distance is a good thing. 

What I want

What I want....

What I want is to be with someone that truly cares from day one.  That takes me into consideration from day one and is always thoughtful towards me and my heart.   Someone that has my best interests in mind always and is not driven purely by their own agenda.


Just to balance the day out.

My Wsh For You Old Friend

I don't normally write posts like this but I felt moved this morning to write a different kind of post.  I know there is a reason this post is going to be written and published and I hope this post does it's magic.

I am so glad to not be in that place in life where I live in the past and I live in regret.

I remember those days.  I remember making decisions in life that haunted me from the moment I made them.  I remember distracting myself in relationships, in alcohol, in ego centered projects, in drugs, in blaming everyone else for my pain.  I remember feeling like a victim and that I was stuck with my situation.  I remember all too well feeling like my life was passing me by and I was so unhappy with all of it.  I remember placing my power in my partners world and not even realizing it.
I remember pushing for a life path that I thought I was supposed to be on because it's what I thought everyone else thought was right for me.

But then I went through my dark night.  I went deep into solitude.  I cut all ties to any kind of relationship for a period of time while I figured out who I was.  I peeled the rotten painful onion of my soul until I hit that beautiful core.  I faced myself in a way I never thought I could.  I faced Medusa and I did not turn to stone.  

And now, now I live in peace.   I don't live in the past.  I don't make mistakes that I regret.  I check in with myself and if I am confused about a situation, I wait until I am clear with what I want.  And my voice is the loudest voice.  Not my family, not my partners, not what I think I should be doing.  But what my soul wants.  What my true spirit wants me to do.  I am happy to the core.  I have the normal human up and downs but overall I am happy and I am on my path.  My heart is big and opening up in a beautiful way, I am successful and my dreams are coming true.  It's a magical place to be.

And this is my wish for you old friend.  You deserve this just as much as I do.  You deserve to know that beautiful spirit that I always saw in you.  Free of your family, free of your codependency in your romantic relationships and marriage, free of the drama, free of the pain of the past and the regret.  I wish you the strength, peace, space and time to face yourself and enter into that journey because when you come out, you will be magic.  Pure and beautiful magic.

But until you enter that journey alone and you face the darkness in yourself,  there will always be an ocean between us.  It's just how it has to be.   I know deep down your spirit knows what I am saying is true and right.

I am here and I am holding space for you.  I am always here for you when you ready to step into this power and you are ready to own your journey.  I am here for you holding this vision of you living to your highest potential.  I have always been holding this vision of you and I will always hold this vision of you.    

Threshold

Threshold : the point or level at which something begins or changes

I am at this place where everything is connected and making sense.  I meet with a coach and they tell me what my next step is.  Suddenly someone arrives in my life that is exactly the person I need to take that next step with.  It's amazing.

This happened just last week.  I met with a new magic coach and she rocked my world.  But she also said I needed to look into a 5 elements acupuncture body worker.  I needed some work done to help me find the missing piece.  I happened to stumbled across the website for 5 Lights Acupuncture and felt drawn to meet with Amber.  From the moment we spoke on the phone it felt like we knew each other.  We have never met but it feels like we have been friends forever.  Divine timing made it so she had a 2 hour opening on the new moon which was perfect because this new moon had a power punch to it.

As I filled out the forms in the office I got to the part where it asked "What medical condition brings you in today?".  I wrote down,  I am not here for a medical condition but I am here for a magical condition.  When we had our getting to know you session and she read this she laughed and got excited.  She said she has never had a client come out and say that's why they were coming to see her and she was fully on board to help me in my quest.  I explained in detail why I was coming to see her. That I am preparing to launch a new life but I need to do some work before I can launch this exciting new project.   And that I need to be balanced before I launch the new project because I am the type of person that will throw myself so much into building my business and my career that I forget to feed my soul and my heart.

She totally got it and is excited to be working on such a unique and personal journey.  We had our session and I left feeling amazing.  One interesting note is that my 2nd and my 7th chakra's were totally balanced.

She was not surprised about my 7th chakra being balanced.

But the 2nd chakra did surprise her.  Based on this understanding on the 2nd chakra, I am not surprised.

The rest of my chakras were wonky so there is work to be done.  But  this insight gives me real excitement for what's coming next.  And for my work with Amber.  She is a true light worker and magician.  I am being guided at this point to exactly what I need at every step in a way I have never been guided before.  My needs are being met in such a super way that I just feel this constant flow of love and gratitude towards the universe and everyone.

I also just signed up for Hannah Marcotti's Making Magic Circle group.  I am so excited to be a part of this program.  Life is in full color now and I am wake up every morning grateful for another day to experience it.