Today I Feel Very Small In My Body

Two steps forward, one step back. This seems to be my motto lately. I have good days and bad, good weeks and slow weeks. This has been a slow week. I am still juggling my desire to get out and see people with my exhaustion level. It is hard to do more than one thing a day and if I really push myself, well then I could be in bed for days afterwards. There is still so much to learn about my new body and what it needs. I am losing weight from this experience and it is not hard at all. It feels like it is just coming off easily. But a lot of this is due to my stomach being so sensitive from all the medication I now have to take. I can hardly eat and when I do it is such a small amount. Of course, all the walks and physical therapy are also helping me to become smaller.

Actually, this week I started my first Senior Citizens Water class. I have to start small and work my way up to being able to do so many things. It felt really great to be in the water. It was a little cold but after the hour long class I had the "wonderful day at the beach" feeling. It also helped that I sat in the Sauna for 30 mins or so as I talked to a very interesting woman about intention work.

This sauna experience brought my core body temperature up so that the cold storm we are having right now is not bothering me at all. Last night I went for a midnight walk in the snow with my dog. I let her be off lease because it was so quiet and peaceful out plus she LOVES the snow. It was almost an east coast snow storm with the large flakes and the orange sky. It was dreamy and so much fun! Of course today I was totally exhausted from all these activities but it was well worth it.

I heard that the New York Sale was a success and everybody loved the candles. I can't wait to see some pictures from the event. I am just happy to know that I was able to ship all those candles and none of them were hurt!

I have a very busy candle week this week. Loads of deliveries to make and new candles to finish before the holidays. Plus, the Solstice and New Years Eve is coming up. These are my personal days of the year when I reflect on the past and look towards the future. What are some of your intentions this year? I will have to think about mine. So many things have changed from last year that I really must think about the new list I will be making on New Years Day.

What a wonderful evening!

Last night's party at Kelley Moore's house was amazing! My date was the perfect gentleman, my friends ended up being invited as well, old friends that I had not seen since before my spinal disease took me down this summer were there and new people were brought into my life. I loved the whole evening! I had an amazing flapperish looking outfit that I had just bought the day of the party and I managed to find a new makeup line I love. It was a busy prepping day for the party but well worth energy.

Today was an art show by my good friend and dinner with her husband and baby. It was so much fun. I can not believe how busy The South Park Art Under $100.00 show was! South Park is a very cute little section of Seattle near Georgetown. I was only able to stay for a few minutes but I was so proud of her.

My energy level is really low due to all my activities yesterday so I have been resting today. I am still trying to learn to manage my body and my energy level without running myself to exhaustion. In many ways I still feel like a stranger in my new post spine injury and my energy levels are just one example.

Tomorrow is candle making and preparing for the week.
My candle sale in NYC is still on for next weekend. I wish I could be there since I just found out my favorite living photographer has a show and video installation at the Whitney right now. But alas, I am still too ill. Next time!

Amazing Day!

I know I should not be excited about this, but today we had the most amazing sunny day here in Seattle. (global warming!) It was a little chilly in the morning but by the afternoon..... Perfection!
I had lunch with a friend and then we drove down to the beach with my dog and had a great time. My face feels nice and happy--full of vitamin D. I was able to take my jacket off and play on the shore for hours. Ahmi was off leash since we were the only one around and she loved it. I am constantly amazed by how beautiful Seattle is. I even saw some cherry trees blooming.

So tomorrow starts the holiday parties. Actually, I missed two this week while preparing for the NYC show. So tomorrow is my first party and it is being thrown by Kelley Moore, our local kick ass Martha Stewart. I am going to dress in clothing that has never been soiled by wax and even wear heels. I am hoping to get my date all lined up and put him in some of his fancy new clothes he just got thanks to his big new contract. I can't wait!

The candles arrive next week for the show..... I have been a little nervous since this will be the first time my candles have been for sale without me! I know the lady who is selling them and she is amazing so I know it will go well but sometimes at night when I am tired I just get so exhausted and nervous!

I am very happy to report that the last few days have been really good days for my back. It is healing and I am getting stronger everyday. I almost felt normal today. I had a slight bit of pain but for the most part, it was like old times.

So many things

Ok, it has been forever since I last posted.
So many things to update everyone about. I was diagnosed with a Back Disease where my disks are falling apart, it is working it's way up my spine. Right now I am in good shape. I am up and walking again, I only have a slight limp and some times I need to take it slow. But it is a far place from this summer when I could not even walk around the block. This is a life long disease that may or may not get worse and has no cure. I have been told not to think about the future and for the most part I am not, but sometimes I do get down and worry what I will look like in 5, 10 or even 20 years. Right now my back looks like the back of an 85 year old so on the inside...... What will it look like in the future?

I was supposed to fly to the east coast last week but had to cancel at the last moment. I was simply not ready to travel and I am still not ready. But I can see myself traveling in a few short months so that makes me happy. I had a lovely holiday with my family and spent a lot of time with my nephew. I also made intention candles all week long and fell in love with my candles again.... I am so happy when I leave my studio!

My candles will be for sale in New York City next weekend at a huge show. My cousin Michele O'Hana will be selling them for me and I can not wait to hear how it goes. I wish I could be there but next time. Plus, when I go back east I always stay upstate so the city is lost on me. Even when I lived there I spent most of my time ready, walking and writing. I am too much of a country girl at heart. Anyways, if you want the address of the show, just send me an email and I will send it along. I know it will be around Broadway and Broom St in SOHO.

I am also preparing for the magazine spread featuring my candles that will be coming out in Seattle Metropolitan magazine next month. I will have more information about that in the next few weeks. And our local Party Planner expert, Kelley Moore is featuring Odessa's Herbals in an upcoming newsletter! So much press lately and it makes me so happy!

A few weeks ago I had a wonderful client throw a party for her girlfriends that featured my candles. It was an amazing afternoon and even the sun came out to shine for us! I am so thankful to Kerri for sharing her passion for my candles and she is truly my angel right now. I will be linking to her website and will post a little bio about her. She is having another candle party in January so let me know if you would like to attend. I am hoping to make this a monthly event.

My heart is full of love for so many people right now. I had a wonderful lunch with a man that I adore today and it just made my day. He is someone who is very special to me and I am so thankful he came back into my life. Sometimes people come back into our lives that just love us like nobody else can. He has always been very special to me but now that we are older, it is just deeper and more rewarding!


Ok, enough of that. I am off to finish up getting everything ready for NYC and then to wash up and sleep. I had a long day of working and walking so I must crash very soon. All I know is that my health is getting better everyday and I am feeling very magical right now. Everything I touch seems to just light up and flow in a very good way. This is the perfect energy for the holiday season!

Staying Flexible

This month has been my lesson about staying flexible. I have been shifting my time from the tealights I produce for Glassy Baby to the Pillars and tealights I make for Odessa's Herbals. It is a very loving and positive change of pace for me. I adore Glassy Baby but my heart and truelove are with Odessa's Herbals and making candles with intention. So I feel blessed to have my customers new and old and I look forward to hearing your wonderful stories.

On the health front I have recently had a bit of an miracle happen. Half of the miracle is good old fashion work which I have spent almost every single day focusing on my spine. but I do believe that a little bit of magic has also helped me to finally become almost totally pain free! I am currently detoxing off all the pain medication and feeling better everyday. I can move freely and have even started to hike a little bit around the huge park I live near.

I will post more today as I must run out for my morning walk but I just wanted to get something up to let my good friends know I am still alive and doing really well.

Not sure what to do

I suddenly have more time in the day to get all those little things I need to do, done. I am not sure how this happened and I am not sure what to do with this new time I have but I am slowly filling it up. As I mentioned my pain levels are very low and my energy and strength are gaining so I feel safe to say..... I am coming back to a normal life.

I never thought I would see the light at the end of the tunnel but I feel like I am getting a handle on my condition and I am working towards healing. I feel like I have grown physical, mentally and emotionally while dealing with my health. Things have changed for me and I am starting to grow into my authentic self. This last sentence makes me smile. I am changing in some ways but also returning to a person that I left behind years ago. But this is the person that I am destined to become. I hope this makes sense but if not, just know that I am happier than I have ever been and glad to be working hard. I love my life and my company and am grateful for everything that has happened over these last few years. Sometimes you have to leave a place to realize it is truly your home. ( not a physical space or home)

My holiday orders are flying in and my holiday plans are filling up. But it looks like a good old friend will be visiting Portland at the start of the new year and I will be booking a hotel room for the night in P-town. I also want to do a little business in Portland and .... Shopping! But of course, I will have the old friend reunion dinner and drinks. Nothing too crazy but a nice little visit.

Ok, I must walk now and clean. It is time to move and get some more work down outside my little computer space. Have a great weekend!

I love Una

Today I met Susan who runs Una Clothing and I am in love. She brought with her some of her wonderful arm warmers and I did not take them off all day. I even wore them into my night out on the town. My arms were so warm and I love having my wrists covered. Susan also brought some of her other items and I can not wait to wear them.
Susan was such a delight to spend some time with and I look forward to seeing her again.

My section of Seattle, where the studio is and where I spend all my time is in The New York Times today. I have not read the article but I can tell you all that my studio is right between each hood and I love both of them. Mostly I can be seen in Fremont right now because the walk from my studio to Fremont goes along a canal that is beautiful. But, I do spend a lot of time in Ballard. Two of my favorite places to eat are in that section and Ballard is still small enough that people begin to know who you are and enjoy your company.

I am exhausted so I must keep this short. Life has been good lately. Today, I woke up with no pain. This is the first time this has happened in 8 months. I still had some pain during the day and I am not totally recovered but I am happy to report that things are getting better and I am getting out more.

The other big news to report is that Glassy Baby has opened their third shop! This is so exciting and exhausting. I now have more candles to make and lucky for me that my back is allowing all this work. My body is coming back stronger!
However, if you have any holiday orders get them in now. I will be working like a mad lady to get all the Glassy Baby candles finished and all my special orders done. It will be hard but a really good thing and I am ready for this experience. Just let me sleep all January because I will be exhausted.

Perfect Fall Evening

Last night I headed over to West Seattle to have dinner with some good friends. It was so much fun not only because I can finally eat a little bit after the last six months of not being able to eat, but also after dinner we all put our fall clothing on and went for a lovely walk. Lately I have been trying to combine my social interactions with my need to walk for my back. I want to see people, I just can not have sitting and eating being the focal point of our evening. I have to spend so many hours walking everyday that I now prefer a walk to dinner or drinks.

Last night we walk around their new neighborhood in West Seattle and admired the fall colors. Their little one year old baby carried roses in her hand while she walked down the street. We laughed and enjoyed the evening stroll as I updated them on my back situation and what new developments have occurred. Like for instance, I took a pain reliever the other day that actually worked. All summer long, no matter how many pail killers I had to take, I was never pain free. It was very hard to be in that much pain and on such high doses of pain killers and yet still do not feel any relief. But that is what it was like. I was always in horrible pain. So I am getting better and my pain levels are going down. So exciting!

I can come with a belly full of autumn stew and mashed potatoes and I took another walk with my father and Ahmi before heading off to bed. Even though I had walked at my friends house, I knew that I had also sat down for dinner and this action meant I need to walk for another hour so that when I woke up in the morning, my pain would not be as bad.

Actually, I am off for my first walk of the day. I will take my camera and post some fall pictures.

Midnight walks

Over the last six months I have been watching as my body changes and gets stronger. I love having a Physical Therapist - Coach for working out and getting my body back in a healthy state. Twice a week for over than an hour I worked with Laura watching over me. It has been years since I worked out with weights and I forgot how much I loved it. I am lucky in that my body responds to weight lifting and sculpting. So my body is changing along with what feels like everything else in life.

This week has been slow. My back has been bad so I have been slower than I like. But this has given me loads of time to take slow walks and notice the amazing fall colors in the trees. It has been breath taking! I am still spending 4 to 5 hours a day walking and digesting the change of seasons.

Ok.... I am sleepy. Tomorrow is the end of the candles for the magazine and cleaning up the studio.

Today was the perfect day

I started out my day with a walk to the coffee shop with Ahmi. I bought a paper and read it cover to cover except for the comics. I just did not have time to read those since I went into the studio to keep working on the candles for Seattle Metropolitan magazine. I worry that I have not made enough candles and of course they never look good enough.

After the studio I came home for a nap and another walk with Ahmi. It is so beautiful outside right now. Perfect fall weather!

So many things are happening right now to my company and friends who are doing there own thing. Kelley Moore is in NYC for her first spot on The View. A little birdie tells me that she is going to give a shout out to Glassy Baby! I am so excited to watch The View on Thursday.

I will be having lunch with Jennifer J. who is my main lady at Seattle Opera. She is so awesome and helped to get my candles into their gift bags for their spring fundraiser. I have been wanting to see her for so long but my back sort of derailed this until now.

Speaking of my back, I think that I am finally able to understand the emotional aspect of my illness this summer. Before I was in so much pain all the time that all I could think about was getting rid of the pain. Now that the pain is finally getting better and there are even moments of the day when I realize that I am not in pain, I have been having moments where I get emotional over the giant life changes I have ahead of me. I walking around the book store in Fremont looking for a new book. After twenty minutes I realized that I was looking for a book that I could relate too about my back accident. Alas, this book does not exist or the bookstore did not have a copy but I did pick up a copy of this photography book about what women's bodies really look like. I heard the author on NPR one day talking about how she wanted teenage girls to get an idea about all the different body types that are out there and that trying to be perfect does not exist. I was looking through this book when I stopped one page to discover a woman who had a scar on her back from the top of the spine to her thigh area. She was around my age and had a similar experience. She was struck suddenly with a disease that would forever change how she moved, what her life could be like and what kind of events she could be a part of. She is now a dancer! I can not believe it. The best part of her biography was the last line. It said something like I now live for my body and center my life around it. It sums up what I have been feeling. I now have to create a life around my back. I can no longer live a life without intention. Every aspect of my life revolves around my body and my back. I can not sit for longer than five minutes, I can not lay in bed all day, I must walk for almost 4 hours a day and workout with a trainer. My life revolves around loving and caring for my back and there is nothing that is going to stop me now!

This photograph and story brought tears to my eyes. I finally found that little connection with someone who has gone through a similar experience. My back is breaking down at a very fast rate but there are others out there that have experienced this and found a place of love and peace with the situation.

I will find out the name of this book and post the link in a little bit.

The life of a candle maker

After getting up at 5 am and finishing the first hour long walk of the day, I have four more to go, I am ready to think about the rest of the morning. I did not want to get up at 5 but when I wake up in the morning my back hurts thus causing me to get out of bed, get dressed and wake Ahmi up. After my hour long walk, I can either go back to bed if my back is not hurting too much or I will start my day and this early hour.
It will take me an hour to get ready to leave for my studio. I used to only require twenty minutes or so to get ready for the day but with my new back, it takes me a good hour. Once I am ready I will pack my bag and head to the studio. From here I will take two hour long walks in between making candles and then I will head home.

Yep, it is an exciting life I live!

Ha Ha!

Actually today is turning out to be a great day. Tea lights are on the menu for today at the studio. This means that we can watch whatever we want on the TV so I am planning on a Gilmore Girls marathon. I am sure my assistant Chris, being the dude that he is, will love this marathon. Oh well, it will be good for him! Today is also good because I am in very little pain so far. I was worried since I was on my feet yesterday running around doing errands for almost 12 hours. This is huge for me! The best part?

The hour I spent at Toy's R Us!

Dylan was in need of new toys and I needed to get to the voting office before registration closed. So I decided my nephew needs some new toys. Whoa Nelly! The toy store was amazing. I usually save my shopping for small family owned stores. I like to spend my money knowing I am supporting another small business owner but today I thought I would explore my options. I ended up getting him three toys, all boy related toys. He loves the one I gave him last night. I am going to spread these toys out over a few weeks so that I can keep the boy excited.

So because I am feeling so well, I am going to take it extra slow this morning. Strange logic? I know but it is best to take it slow after such a long day. I am happy that I am in very much pain and it is best to rest to keep this feeling going by taking it easy.

I am also making candles for an upcoming issue of Seattle Meteropolitian Magazine. I am not making intention candles so we can watch TV. When I make my intention candles I give them my full attention. Intention takes attention and that starts from the creation of thought. I will be posting some photos of my new candle molds.

My comfort item

Everyone has one. That item in your closet that brings you feelings of joy, comfort and safety. This item has been with you longer than most of your friends. It could be your favorite band shirt, your baby blanket or for me it is an extra large grey cashmere scarf. This scarf was given to me by my adopted aunty Reni Moriarity. Reni is always a hero and mentor of mine. She throws the best dinner parties, she is an amazing cook and always has funny stories about country life. Her house is a log cabin made by her husband. It is my dream of a home. I long to be a child again so I can go spend the weekend in the country with Reni. I grew up getting to spend the night in the loft beds that Mark (her husband) built.

So today my grey cashmere scarf came out for my 6 am walk. I had visions of wearing this scarf when I was 16 and met my first boyfriend. I thought about wearing this item when I lived in NYC and the Midwest. I wrapped my head and neck up and walked out into the mist. Ahmi was really happy to be out before all the other dogs came out.

I just got back from hanging out with my nephew. He is under the weather and just wanted to snuggle. Right now the curious George that I bought him is his comfort toy. He likes to bring the George with him when we go on our adventures. Today I tried to make cookies but alas, I think I mixed the cookies and kid's play dough recipe mixed up. The cookies were awful! But Dylan had fun and the times passed by very quickly so I can over look the awful cookies. They were so bad Dylan did not even want to eat them.

I hang my head in shame today because I have lost my golden touch in the kitchen!

Helper Bee

I have a new helper and it is making my life so much easier!
I am still very limited in what I can do and the amount of hours I can be in my studio, but with the two of us there, the candles are flying off the shelf.

This weekend I am going to work on getting my shopping cart set up online so that candle orders can be place via my website. This is very exciting and I now have the technology to do it.

I saw my doctor today about my back. Things are looking better. My strength is coming back and my control over my right leg is getting better. I do not have to see the doctor for two weeks which marks the first time in three months that I do not have to see a doctor for over a week. Keep your fingers crossed that I do not have another flare-up and become bed ridden again.

This weekend is going to be a busy one. I have an auction to attend tomorrow evening and a party to go to on Sunday. I am exhausted just thinking about it all. I also will be making candles this weekend and trying out my new candle molds. That reminds me, I should take my new camera this weekend so that I can take some pictures of the new gift sets. Each candle is scented with just essential blends that smell wonderful but are less expensive for the conservative customer. I have been working with many of my customers to make sure that they can still enjoy my wonderful candles, live the best life they can while needing to scale back on expenses. The pinch is happening all over this country and no one is immune.

This week my nephew came running across the room saying "Love you Aunty! Love you".
This is my moment of zen for the week.

The Long Road

After several shots into my spine, a course of new nerve medicine and endless walks during the day, I am now finally getting out of my house. I have a very strict schedule now that also has to be flexible enough so that I can drop everything and come home to rest if I need too. I walk 4 to 5 times a day, I have stretches I must do several times a day and I can only do something for no longer than four hours. I am still unable to sit down and driving is limited but I can make candles and that is all I care about right now. Recovery is going to take a year or more but at least I do not have to get the spinal fusion.

So I just invested in warm winter clothing for my daily walks and I will be getting some shoes this week. Can I just tell you how much I love Lucy clothing? My new outfit keeps me warm and feels amazing to wear even when I take my walks at 3 am.

My body is changing. It's weird to watch my body become toned as I think about two months ago when I could not even get out of bed. I am so lucky to have such a strong body that responds to all this movement. It has been years since I worked out and I am now starting to see the importance of working out. My back is stronger and my leg works better as time moves on. I can almost walk like a normal person. For a while it looked like I would never walk normal again. My left leg is permanently numb and weak from my first spine injury. This summer my right leg became so weak that the nerve started to die. I could hardly control my legs and it was very noticeable. I don't know if you have ever seen someone with nerve damage or a disease that affects the nervous system but it becomes very hard to simply move your legs to walk.

Ok, I am off for my last walk of the day. I will be able to blog more now that I am finally healing and I will soon have fun new stories.

The Good News

So after almost two weeks, I have some good news. The Physical Therapist has seen some strength return to my leg and it looks good. Small changes of course but very important in terms of my rehab to walk again.

Candle making starts up again this week and I am also doing my physical therapy. This is about all I can fit into a day right now. I am watching Gilmore Girls as an ode to my sister. It is fun.
I have never watched the show but she has seen every episode so at some point I knew I needed to watch it. It made me realize that it is her "Northern Exposure" . Northern Exposure is my dream world, especially when I was in my teen years. I longed to live in a town dominated by Native American couture and social rules. My sister growing up on the East Coast, loved a life where she could go to her room, read her books and study at really good schools. My sister and I are like night and day but I hate going a day without talking to her. So I am peering into her life, with my nails painted pink and watching her favorite show. I feel so close!


I will let you all know how candle making is going when I blog next.

Today

This morning was filled with writing at Cafe Fiore in Old Town Ballard. I have had a writing assignment for myself that was given in the beginning of June. However, with my health crisis I had not been able to work on this project but because of my birthday coming up and the monster life changes I am starting to implement, I decided that this morning was the morning to leave the house and office and just focus on myself.
I had the Seville drink which includes bittersweet coca and orange zest. It was not overly sweet and the flavors were just right for my stomach. I am for the most part of a totally fresh diet with coffee and toast thrown in as treats. I was able to stand and write which is better on my back and this marked the first morning I have been able to leave the house alone and not go to a doctors office. It was nice. I had to leave after only an hour because my leg started to bother me but I am very grateful for that hour I was able to do something I had been trying to do for months.

Yesterday was another hard day for me. The large scale life changes of my situation has started to sink in and my understanding of life as I have known it will never be repeated has finally hit me. I am no longer the same person. I have met various people as I traveled in life who always had these health issues that changed their lives or robbed their lives of what they were doing just prior to the injury. I had never been able to relate since all my health issues started so early and I was always able to bounce back right away. But not this time. I can now join the club of health related life changing events and the aftermath it leaves behind. But I am lucky that I had enough time to prepare for it that my company remains intact and running smoothly!

This weekend that just passed allowed enough sunshine for me to walk around Green Lake with two wonderful lady friends of mine. They are both kind enough to take the time and walk really slow with me as I begin rehabilitation to be able to walk again. It is hard. I feel and must look like an old person trying very hard to move. It is such a difference from five months ago where I was a busy bee. But with each step I hurt less and it's one step closer to healing.

This holiday weekend coming up marks my family birthday celebration. I am having a very small and intimate affair with my family to celebrate my birthday but also and more importantly to celebrate my family and the love and help they have provided for me as I return to a more normal and social life. My nephew will really be the bell of the ball and I have requested digital camera's to be brought so I can photograph him. Actually this was something I was realizing I really need to purchase along with a PC computer. Maybe I will just go ahead and purchase these two items. I know my life will be different with them and I know they will really benefit my company. I just am scared because they feel like such huge purchases.

Ok, I am off to read the new Paulo Coelho book, Brida and rest. I need to conserve my energy this week so I can be fully present for this weekend.

Trying for a normal day tomorrow

I have made plans for a walk around green lake with my good friend Jennifer and then we are off to a bookstore to look for something new to read to help my brain come back. All the medication I have been on has made my brain feel soft. So soft in fact that I was thinking about getting cable tv. This is bad.... I have not have TV since 2002 and I don't miss it. But lately I have been learning all about these great TV shows like Brothers & Sisters, The Office and 30 Rock. So for now i will fight the TV temptation and get back to making candles and renting DVD's.

This week is my birthday week and the first week I will be in my studio making candles since June. I am really looking forward to getting my routine back with candles, taking care of my health this week and next Sunday is a small family party that I am really looking forward too. I even invited a few friends to meet my family so it should be a good bbq.

So much has changed since my birthday week last year. Jennifer took me out for dinner that night. It was a very quiet and low key birthday year. This year there was a party for me last week and another party this week. This will be a reflection week for me and I am sure I will blog about it. I am going to sit down and go over all the changes that have happened in this year. I want to look at what I have accomplished since last August and where I want to go for the rest of the year. Of course we all know it includes a lot of doctor visits. I am starting Physical Rehabilitation soon and I have a long way to go to get back to where I was just 4 short months ago. But I am ready to give my back and body the attention it needs.

I received notice today about the craft sale I was a part of last Thanksgiving in The Berkshires. I am planning on returning this late fall to the area for another sale. I need to check if that craft show is still happening or I may have another outlet to sell my candles. I will keep everyone updated on my traveling plans and future candle sales.

Getting better everyday

You know it's bad when the cashier at the local grocery store is excited when I tell them that I am doing OK for the day. Today the cashier said "Coming from you, I know OK is a good thing". This is actually a really sweet story. I have been shopping at that Grocery Store for almost 20 years and many friends that I grew up with worked at this store. So this little store is a piece of my past and has survived the big bigger stores moving closer to the neighborhood. And yet I know when I walk into this store, there is a feeling of family history in this store. Years of shopping there with my grandfather, my father and now my nephew.

Yesterday morning I got a whole two hours with my nephew. He tired the both of us out but it was amazing. We spent time outside creating new games, learning new words and enjoying the cooler weather. Today I meet with a new doctor that is in charge of my rehabilitation. It is a long road ahead but I am finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I even have the desire to cook and get back into my studio.

I have been thinking a lot about what has happened to me this summer. I have started to call it "The summer that changed my life". I am finally able see this while situation as a life lesson that will change my whole life. This idea has become less daunting with every good day I have. My life will never be the same as it once was, but I can now finally put my health and my well being first. In fact, I am pretty much forced to put these things first. But I know that this situation is helping me to create the life I truly want to live. I have already witnessed changes in me that are self loving and protective towards myself.

And to top it off, for the first year ever, I have let my friends to celebrate with me, how wonderful I am. There was a party given for me last Saturday that was a huge love fest for my friends that had not seen me since my injury. Before the summer that changed my life I would not have allowed such an event. I would not have slowed down enough to allow someone else to take care of me. But now, I understand how loving this party was. Not just for myself, but it was a loving thing these people did for everyone that came to the party, and it was a loving thing that they did for themselves. Does this make sense? Sometimes my words and thoughts get all twisted in my mind and i have a hard time writing it down. But as I keep experiencing this new life, I will keep writing about it until it makes sense.

What I love today

Ah Garnet Hill I love you!


I have been staring at the new Garnet Gill catalog and wishing that I could make a candle for Garnet Hill in exchange for whatever I want out of all the products they sell. It would be amazing to meet the designers from this company and take a tour of their headquarters. Garnet Hill is one of the few companies that I receive the catalog from and buy things. They have a special place in my heart. Next time I go to my studio I am going to start creating a garnet hill candle to starting changing my bedroom and then my wardrobe into one from the catalog.

Another day, another doctor. I have now seen more than 3 specialist and each person tells me something different. So far I am leaning towards the holistic plan. I will start an intensive physical therapy routine along with a weekly accupunctucter session and daily walks. I am also going to see a nutritionist and massage therapist as well as others on a more long term basis.

Actually it is not so bad. I am very lucky to be making candles full time and not working at a corporate job. I can focus on my health right now and maintain my company.

Coming back to Life

What a trying time it has been lately.
Life has been dealing some pretty heavy lessons lately. These lessons become larger and mean more than when i was younger. But i like how I have been dealing with these lessons. I am growing up and learning to turn all these blows into positive life changes that I can be proud of.

After almost three months of being bed ridden experiencing the worst pain I have ever felt in my body and becoming totally helpless and unable to function without the love of friends and family. My first doctor told me I need a very servere surgery that would have left me a year to recovery from and more complications to arise from the surgery, as I get older. I do not cry often but just the thought of this surgery caused me to cry and become fearful for my body and life. I never have felt as weak and vulnerable as I did when thinking about getting this surgery.

However, after waiting a month to see the best back doctor in Seattle and learning more about my condition or disease that is affecting the disks in my back, I feel like I have been given a second chance. With the guidance and information that this docotr has shared with my family and myself, I am sure that I can stop this disease from becoming worse and I maybe be able to reverse it a little bit. No surgery required right now and maybe none in the future. So for the next six months or longer, I am going for a total life makeover. I will be meeting with Physical Therapists, accupuncterist, Yoga and Pilate teachers and other people that can guide me to a healthier lifestyle and mindset. I feel like I have truly been given a gift for a second chance and I do not want it to pass me by. So my candles and my body will be the only two things I will be focusing in life for now.

After this whole experience life seems a lot faster and fragile then before. I feel my worldview has opened up and I see that my little spot in this universe is so small and yet touches so many. Oneday you could wake up where everything has changed from what it used to be, but this is not a bad thing. This little area, my spot in life is mine to create, change, evolve and learn to love. Like a garden I must tend too my spot and make sure that it is healthy.

I am looking forward to my annual trip back to the North East. I can't wait for the fall to arrive. I think it maybe my favorite time of year, actually thats not true. Maybe it is just my new mindset but the rythem of each season makes my heart warm. Fall is when my little nephew will start school for the first time ever. Fall is when production at Odessa's Herbals starts to heat up. Fall is when the best feeling in the world is a warm cup of tea, my favorite cashmere sweater and a walk with Ahmi.

Speaking of walks with Ahmi, I should get outside and give my body a nice evening walk with my father and dog.

Once a week

I am now at the point of my back issues that I have to see my Doctor once a week. With my condition getting worse I am needing to change medications at least every week so that I can sleep. Without my medications as soon as I fall asleep I have some nightmare of falling off curbs or cliffs and wake up screaming. What is happening during these dreams is that I am having major muscle spasms that causes my leg to move. No Fun!

But, I am really coming to peace with the situation. I know I will be better soon and that this break has really allowed me to catch up and get everything in my life into a calm and positive state.

This weekend was my nephews 2nd birthday. I hope to have some pictures of it soon. My sister threw a lovely BBQ with close friends of the family that I had not seen in a long time. My nephew was so good with all the people and kids around. He loved it!

This week will be pretty slow but I am hoping to get into the studio at least for a few hours. I miss candle making so much. Plus I have a dinner party on Friday that I am really excited about. I wish I had more to say but things have been calm lately and I am just happy to not be in as much pain as I was a couple of weeks ago.

The Sugar Queen

Last night I finished reading Sara Addison Allen's new book " The Sugar Queen". This book was lovely and a good summertime read. The only negative or not overly loving thing I would say about this book was that it was not magical enough for me. I love ancient herb lore, I love stories about wisdom pasted down by generations of wise women who helped cure the body, mind and spirit. Garden Spells, Sarah's first book catered to this need of mine. The book was filled with meals of intention, gardens full of mystery and secrets best kept not questioning.
However, the book was great and I highly recommend her as an author. She is someone I will keep as one of my favorite authors and I look forward to reading many more books by her.

Today I had lunch with my good friend Jennifer. It was great to be outside of my house and I can not remember the last time I saw Jennifer. I am on a new medication that has allowed a little more freedom in my life. I can walk and sleep more than I was last week. I am not healed and I know that all this medication is doing is covering up the severe amount of pain that I am in but it just feels nice to have a little bit of my life back. I have been unable to go out but once a week before this new medicine so I welcome the chance to go out a couple of times a week.

Jennifer and I will be making candles on Friday which marks the first time I will be back in my studio in almost a month. I miss making candles and getting into my studio. It has been hard to be away but I am lucky enough to have gotten ahead with my orders and I have found someone who can cover for me while I am waiting for surgery and healing.

Pow Wow

I love living by Discovery Park. At night we can hear the sea lions, the trains and a couple of weekends every summer there are Pow Wows that bring drum beating and singing to my window. It touches my heart every time I see the Daylight Center in Discovery Park, a building dedicated to the native Americas that used to live on this land and take care of it.
This building is also where my Grandfather's memorial service was. My grandfather grew up in Montana and spent most of his adult life in Washington DC as a Senator and Congressmen for Washington State. Native Americas were a top priority for him while he was in office many years ago. He was an honorary Blackfoot tribe member in Montana.

I have been thinking about him all morning. I am of course still bed ridden. The last time I had surgery was 15 years ago and my grandfather was still alive. I wish he was here now so I could ask him stories about Montana, Charlie Russell the painter that lived behind his house in Montana and what Washington state was like so many years ago.

But instead I will wait 30 rock, read some new books given to me by my good friend Kim and make cinnamon rolls.

The summer I spent in bed

This is quickly becoming the summer I spent in bed. My back condition is unfortunately getting worse by the day. I have endless doctor appointments and I know that I will be up and running soon enough but until I know exactly which surgery I am going to have, I have to lay in bed and just wait.

I am starting to get a little bored so I just got a new library card and I have been picking books to read. Every night I still am able to get up and take a small walk but it is getting harder and harder. Today I realized that for every decade I have been alive, I have had to have major surgeries. One was due to sickness but mostly now it just revolves around my back. I have never broken a bone but I have more scars than most people do. Some people get all the luck. I just keep thinking about what it would be like if I had this condition 100 years ago. Would I have survived being bed ridden? How did people survive pain that only the strongest pain killers on the market can help tone the pain down. That's right, my pain is so intense that it never disappears with the pain killers but numbs the pain enough that I can sleep for almost two hours without waking up.

I have been forced to slow down and rethink a lot of things in my life over the last few weeks. In many ways it has brought back part of my youth where all I wanted when I grew up was to live on a farm, grow herbs and really connect with nature. I wanted to help heal people and help them find meaning in their lives. This summer I am being forced by the universe to realize that I do not need to work a corporate job and have a company to live a healthy life. My desire to be successful is not about money, cars or material goods. My desire to be successful stems from wanting to live an authentic life, share my gifts to help people and be my own boss. All of this health stuff has shown me that the life I was living only 5 months ago was very out of balance and I now have time to bring balance back into my world.

So there are many positive parts about this journey. I wish that I did not have to get surgery and that I could move around pain free but I am also really happy to have such a wonderful group of friends and family that have provided amazing support and love.

In the next few weeks I will be having a fund raiser - studio sample sale - party for Odessa's Herbals.
I am lucky enough to have health insurance but I am also facing tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills once I have made it through all the operations. If you have any candles you would like to order for the sample discount please shoot me an email.
I greatly appreciate all the support and friendship that so many have shared with me.

A Few Hours At A Time

Well I am now only able to sleep a few hours at a time because of my back. I have some new appointments with back and nerve specialists in the next two weeks and hopefully will have an answer by the end of the month. I am exhausted and ready to return to a pain free life.

One nice thing about my life right now is that when I wake up around Midnight every night, I take my dog for a walk around the neighborhood. It is so quiet and peaceful at this hour. The moon hangs low over the Puget Sound and is a Carmel color. Ahmi loves her midnight walks. The air is cool, the streets are empty and the raccoons are hiding but around somewhere.

I am thinking with all this extra time I have while I am bed ridden that I should write a book about my experiences. Not everybody gets to have over three major surgeries before the age of 31. Life is a lot different when you can not walk or sleep very much. We shall see.