Northern Exposure is the Cure

Last night I had one of my rough nights. I usually wake up around 1 am and stay awake until 7 or so. I am exhausted and in pain but can not sleep. Usually these nights the only thing besides pain pills that will soothe me is Northern Exposure. I can listen to this show for hours with my eyes closed, contemplating life, my injury and Joseph Campbell. (last night episode was a discussion of the hero archetype)

So while I was awake last night I started to search the Internet about my favorite show. I am a major fan and most of the information I already know but last night I stumbled onto something new. I found out about a musician who became seriously ill and heartbroken. He retreated to Wisconsin to recover and one of the things that brought him out of his illness was Northern Exposure. He ended up naming his band after a saying from one of the shows, Bon Iver . I have never heard his music but hearing about someone who has been touched by this show in a dark period in their life made my heart flutter. Here is another person that took the dark journey of the soul, found Northern Exposure and was able to translate it into a new path in life. Also, having lived in rural Wisconsin myself during my early 20's I of course loved the fact that he watched this show while living in his father's remote cabin in Northern Wisconsin!

I hope to one day to meet Justin and be able to express to him how Northern Exposure helped me while I was bed ridden for a year and also suffering from a broken heart the year before that. It has been my lifeline in so many ways and I am so excited to hear of other creative people that are as moved by the characters, story and just overall sense of community that was developed in this show. Plus in my fantasy life, Justin will turn out to be as interesting as Chris in the morning. ( but alas, I know this may not be true!)

But I will just settle to at least meet another Northern Exposure fan who can tell me about their impressions and favorite episodes!

Booked a flight back East

I just booked my first flight back to the East Coast since my injury! I am so excited to get out of town for a few days and see my family. I have been craving Virginia and the summertime green for the last few months and I can't wait to experience it.

I am a little worried about the trip and the flight but I just need to remember to take it slow. Everyday will be a challenge but I just keep reminding myself to cut it down to one or two activities a day and I should be ok. If I try to do too much I will hurt myself but if I take it slow then I should not feel any different than when I am at home.

I have two things planned already. First my Aunt and older cousins and I are going to go the World Spa. It is a Korean day spa like the one we have in Seattle, Olympus Spa. I can't wait to experience a new spa! Then on Saturday I will be going to a bluegrass showcase with my stepfather. I am also hoping that we will have a BBQ on Sunday for all my cousins that live in the town I am going to visit. So that's pretty much my whole vacation already planned. I have one day on each end of the trip to rest and as long as I don't fall in the shower again.... I should be good to go.
This weekend has been a wonderful warm spring weekend! I spent yesterday afternoon with Ahmi at the dog beach in north Seattle. Today I read a book with the animals on the porch. Tomorrow it is back to candle making and Dr appointments but for this evening I can relax a little.

Painful realization

What happens when you have lost faith in someone you love?

I am suffering from this dilemma currently. It is a family relation and feels so much more painful than anything I have ever experienced before. I know I must speak my truth about the situation but right now, I am unable to speak. I am taking time and really working on understanding my feelings. This situation runs so much deeper than just the surface decision that was made. This situation has pierced me to the core of what I thought was a blood bond that would never be broken. And yet, six years later.... I am in pieces and have no more to give. I tried to remain quiet and helped as much as I could but in the end I have ignored myself and suffered from my own actions.

I have been very busy in the studio making candles and just being compassionate towards myself. I read Alice Hoffman's book "The Third Angel" . It was beautiful. I was not able to related it to my current situation and it was not as magic filled as some of her past books but I cherished it and stayed up one night reading it all night long. I am about to start "The Laws of Harmony" by Judith Ryan Hendricks.

One interesting note is that Blue Herons have come into my life in a way that has never happened before. They are every where I look lately. From books to car rides to the park up the street from my house. I am working on trying to understand why this animal that has never been around me before has suddenly appeared in the last week more than it ever has in my whole life.

Books always heal the pain

This week has been a roller coaster.
My road trip was wonderful! I really enjoyed all the time we spent at various spa's over the weekend and I feel healthier than I have in a long time. The first day we spent almost 4 hours sitting in hot salt water pools that were located outside while looking at the mountains. My skin still feels amazing! We ate veggies and hummus and I had an intense fruit drink with cactus and mint. The rest of the weekend stayed on pretty much the same high note with the best part of the weekend being visiting with our high school English teachers that now live in Ellensburg. I love this family so much and in many ways it was like a family reunion. I can't wait to go back and visit with them soon. It's amazing how important people from this era of your life turn out to be in who you develop into. I have so much to thank these two for.

But then I returned home to some news that still has me crying. I am not allowed to talk about it yet but let's just say.... My heart has never hurt this much in my entire life. I spent all day today in a daze of tears, stomach aches, headaches mixed with fear and sadness. Just when I was finally starting to feel better and think that life may return to normal. I know this is just another life test/ lesson but come on..... I feel like I have had enough lessons for awhile!

So in many ways I feel like now I am back to the drawing board in life. I am trying so hard to stay in the present moment because this is where my sadness is in a dosage I can handle but it's still hard. I spent the day in the studio making tea lights for Glassy Baby and just focusing on candle making. Trying to think of nothing else but candle making. And then I went to the bookstore and found two new books that warmed my heart. Both are works of fiction and as soon as I am done I will tell everyone about them. But until then I will be making candles and trying to soothe my heart in books. I hope to find some life lessons amongst the words and stories. We shall see......

Getting Ready

It has been a busy last few days. I stopped taking my nerve blocker medication this week and so far things are returning back to normal. The pain has not returned and I am starting to feel like my old self. My energy level is returning everyday little by little and my brain is starting to clear up. Turns out that you need nerve signals if you want to think, move or I don't know... Do anything besides sleep. I am just so happy to have energy again and feel excited about the future.

I am preparing for my spa weekend and today I have a million things to do! I made this plan over a month ago and now I am a mixed bag of excitement. One the on hand I can't wait to get out of town but on the other hand, I feel like I am still recovering and leaving town might make me exhausted. But I have a friend going with me who can drive a little bit of the way and a spa weekend is supposed to be relaxing right?

Last night my friend Adam took with me to screen the new movie "I Love You, Man". What a hilarious movie! I loved it. It was much funnier than the last few Paul Rudd movies. I laugh all the time in life but rarely at movies. If I laugh at something it has to be really funny and let me tell you what.... I laughed at this movie over 7 times which might be a record. I love to laugh and find life really funny. People that can make me laugh have my heart for life. The other great part of last night was the fact that I was able to sit for two hours. This is the longest stretch of time that I have sat down in almost a year. Today I am just a little sore but nothing compared to what I experienced in the past. So life is returning to normal and I am so grateful for my health, my life and this world.

Spring Cleaning!

Another round of spring cleaning today! The sun is out and the windows are open for now. Of course it has been very cold here but at least the sun is out and spring is just around the corner.

Besides cleaning my house, I am working on spring cleaning my intentions and thoughts. Now that most of my pain is gone and my health is returning I am working on trying to figure out what to do next in life. Maybe move to the country or the east coast? Maybe stay in Seattle but look for a house? Maybe move to the desert? All I know is that my old life and they way I used to do things are now over. I must live a very different life and I am still not sure what that life looks like. So until I have a clue I will just keep cleaning my studio and cleaning my space. I will clean my life out emotionally and physically and just keep working towards the next phase in life.

I have a long weekend of candle making and I am really looking forward to my warm studio!

Boys do cry

Many, many years ago I put up a poster that I thought was beautiful. Actually it was the poster above. I was a teenager and emotions were everywhere. I had this poster on my wall until today. Today I realized what a sad and depressing poster this truly is. Men and boys do cry and that's OK with me. I think it is important for men to feel emotions. Plus, here is a poster of a man with his back towards the camera that is alone. This are all feelings and statements that I no longer share with this poster. I do not want my back to be towards the world nor do I want to be alone. I want to live in a much warmer and more welcoming world that this poster represents.

So today I took down the poster. I am going to start looking for photographs to replace it. My family has been posting wonderful pictures of all our reunions on facebook so maybe I will print some of those out and place them on my walls. I have also been journeying into treasure maps so I will post some of those on my walls again. Change is in the air and I am excited to start releasing the past and living in the moment.

This present moment is no longer about standing with my back to the world and people. It is about opening my arms and welcoming in love and peace.

Forever learning

Just when my brain starts to wake up my body will start to shut down. I feel like I am forever learning and just spinning around and around. Lessons are long and painful right now. I must live a slower life than this big city will allow. Do I really need to be going out all the time or is it just my ego that demands all that activity? And why has my ego been punishing me lately for trying to heal?

Lately it has been a struggle but when I really start to think about slowing down and just being present in the moment... I am filled with calm. So I guess I do not have much choice but to keep going at a very slow pace and just start to ignore my ego.

I am off on a road trip in a few weeks. It will be a very short road trip but since it is the first time in almost a year that I have left Seattle, I am excited! I can not provide the details since my traveling partner does not know what I have planned but let me just say that I should return super relaxed and very happy!

In other good news I have been creating new candles and experimenting with new colors. I created an attraction candle, a positive money energy candle, a center candle and many more! I am very excited to be creating new candles.

So this week I am in battle with my ego and trying to understand how to balance all of the desires I have.

Turning around

These last few weeks have been very challenging!
My emotions which are usually very calm have been all over the place. I know this is part of my injury recovery process but I call "UNCLE!" I can not handle being this upset because life has changed so much. This summer I could see the positive outcome because I was so ill that I was on drugs as well as just wanting the pain to end. Now I am cranky that I lost a year in my life, a year in the life of my company, I am cranky that my energy level is still really low. I am cranky that I have been unable to travel and that I can barely stay awake past 6 o'clock at night. I am cranky that my once full networking life has almost disappeared and I am cranky that Magnolia is so far away from the rest of the world.

And yet, as I list these words I realize that it is all part of the process and I must embrace that sometimes life takes a different path than I expected. I like to detour in life and this is just one of those times.

It is still hard to accept but I am slowly turning my grumpy mind around. I am happy the days are getting longer and that some day's the sun has been shinning. I am happy that I have an amazing family and circle of friends. I am also very grateful that it feels like when I need something in life to make me think a different way, the universe has a way of making this something show up. Sometimes what causes me to pause and take stock is a book, a few kind words from a friend or a movie among other things. So today I am going to be grateful for my situation and look towards the future. I need a new list of intentions!

Sunday Walking

I am trying to work up the body heat to go outside for my Sunday afternoon walk. It is a bit chilly outside for my tastes but I have my walking partner showing up any minute and he wants to walk to I am trying to prepare. This week was another off week. While my health is getting better, I am still finding it slow to return to normal. I know the doctor said it would take a year and I am way better then I was but COME ON!

Ok enough whining. I am getting better and I need to just slow down enough to realize that taking a year off is not such a bad thing. Plus this week it meant spending the week with my nephew while his nanny was sick. We had so much fun! We took long walks in the park, we watched the construction men working with their diggers, we walked a lot and we got to take some naps together. That's the amazing thing about my life as I am in the midst of recovering. I actually really get to enjoy my time and my life!

So this week I will be making up time in my studio. I am so excited to get back to candle making and creating new candles. I missed being in my studio last week. I was happy to be with Dylan but missed my life in my creative space. In other great news, I have lost 4 pant sizes! I am trying to figure out how this happened and I am still in shock over it but when I went to buy a new pair of pants today I was 4 sizes smaller than I once was. I feel like a child wearing adult clothing. I am swimming in all my old clothes but am not ready to buy new clothes since I have a feeling I will be going down even more sizes. It is nice to start to have my old body back! A lot of my sickness over the last few years and medication caused my to gain A LOT of weight but now I am getting my early 20's body back. Of course it looks a little different but I am just happy to be returning to health!

I wish I had more exciting news but these last few weeks have been very quiet and calm. I think this is a good thing.

Ps. This is my lovely cat that adores how much time I am now home during the day. This is her staring at me in the morning to wake up and feed her!

Waking up to Snow

This morning I could not figure out why my sister was asking if I could come hangout with my nephew. I asked her about his school and all she said was the school is closed. To my spaced out - just woke up brain this made no sense. Of course as soon as I got out of bed and looked out the window I realized why his school had been closed. Last night it snowed! It snowed in the middle of February. It snowed after a week of semi warm weather that allowed hours of walks last week. SNOW?

It was not so bad because the sun ended up coming out to play but it was still a little colder than I like. I am now sitting in my bedroom with a heating pad wrapped around my back. I am still having issues with body temperature and the winter. My back is so fragile now it can not get cold or it will freeze up and cause walking to become almost impossible.

The next area of my cleaning plan is internal. I have cleaned my studio, my bedroom and now I must turn inwards. I have started to increase my fruits, veggies and vitamins in my daily living. I am drinking more than enough water and I have started to detox off my pain medication. I feel like I am starting to gain some control back over my body. Which after a year of my body almost completely breaking down, it is nice to have my health coming back. It was a hard weekend while I tried to get over the detox hump left by the pain medication I have been taking for almost a year. I think I took 10 baths while turning the heat up as high as I could. I thought it would help to sweat out the toxins. I ate apples, bananas and avocados hoping these would help the horrible flu like feeling I had all weekend. I had a "why me" pity party! For the first time since I got sick, I was depressed over it. I usually can get my mind out of the gutter when it comes to my illness but this weekend I was stuck. I thought of all the changes and all the time I have missed while I have been healing. I read blogs of ladies that work all the time on their companies and I get jealous. I felt like I was stuck in a bog. It was a terrible weekend. But finally, this morning I woke up and feel so much better. I think I am finally getting the junk out of my system. I have turned a corner and I am very thankful for this. Detoxing off medications is very hard on the body and mind. I hope to never experience this kind of feeling again.

So hopefully the warm weather will return and I will keep drinking my new favorite smoothies while cleaning out my system and becoming pain free!

Back on the plan

A couple of posts ago I mentioned my three month health plan I had started. After falling off the wagon last week, I am happy to announce that I am back on the plan.

This weekend I participated in Spring Cleaning! I threw out garage, I donated many items and I let go of a lot of items from my past. It felt so good to clean, organize and release. I fully believe that letting go of items that no longer serve you will open up space for new energy to move in. So expect to read some pretty amazing posts in the next few weeks! There is a lot of space now for new and exciting things to happen.

This week I will be returning to the Pool after three weeks of resting. Doctors orders! But I am excited to get back into the pool. I will be taking it slow for the first week but watch out! By next week I will be in the deep end. After the pool I will be in the studio until this evening. I am so happy to be back on my normal schedule. Last month in many ways I fell off the health wagon but when I woke up this morning I realized that I am back on track. I also realized it is ok to fall off the wagon for a while but you have to get back on the wagon as soon as possible. So I am back on my health plan with a clean room, a clean studio and soon a clean body!

Back in the Studio

Today I spent the day making tea lights. It was lovely, warm and calm inside my studio. I had a good rhythm in every step of the process and I even managed to make a couple of the new love candles in glass containers.

This week I am having some ladies over for a night on intention setting and candle making. I am so excited about this evening. I am going to buy loads of apples, chocolates, cheese and a bottle of apple cider. I am off of drinking right now due to my medications for my spine. However, my lovely lady friends can drink all they want! Working on intentions with groups of people is a very powerful way to let the universe know you are serious about what you want to create. I am excited to join these ladies in expressing what I intend to create this year.

Taking care of my body

I wish I had more exciting news but I have been taking it easy lately. I am still busy in the studio and getting out to see friends but I have just been taking it easy.

This week has been busy at night for me. I attended a private party for the cast of the new show Memphis that is opening here in Seattle soon. It was a wonderful and friendly party! I saw old friends and met new ones while sampling some southern BBQ made by JJ McKay! Tonight is a Chinese new year part at my friend Wendy's company. She has a wonderful design studio and I adore Wendy and her husband Todd. I met Wendy when I was doing TV production in 2003. Wendy has a dog named Fisher. Fisher is a very smart border collie and my dog Ahmi is in love with Fisher. They would play at the office as if it was doggy daycare. After a couple of wrestling matches, Ahmi was banned from coming into the office and Fisher was left to entertain himself! I can't wait to see Quesinberry and Associates new office!

This week marked the Chinese New Year. I do not know too much about this holiday but I was talking with a friend last week who said that setting intentions before the new year (ie. last week) was a great way for a fresh start. I set some intentions and have watched over the last few days a lot of things change for the better. I am excited to share these stories as I move a little further away from the experiences and can talk about them in a more neutral way. But one great thing is I have noticed how issues that used to be emotional or upsetting are now calmer and I can approach them from a larger view point. What once upset me now seems a direct message or opportunity from the Universe to see the situation from a broader perspective and make new choices.

I am off to make more love candles and tea lights for Glassy Baby. I had a wonderful conversation with someone new who was telling me how amazing the tea lights from Glassy Baby were. She had no idea I made them. She was so happy to have found a tea light that lasts 6 hours and were made from Soywax. When I told her these candles were all handmade by me, she could not believe that not only did my company make them but that they were handmade by me! I can not wait to introduce her to my pillars and other new candles I have in the works.

Another magical day

It has been three days since I started my new healing adventure and I am already being tested. Friday my bathing suit fell apart while I was in the pool. This gave me a lovely excuse to stop swimming but I met with determination and I now have three suits arriving this week. I physical have to swim and there is nothing that can stop me now.

Then someone from my past came back. This is not a good nor bad thing. It is just a choice I must make between moving forward and deciding if I want to bring the past back while moving forward. I am taking my time to figure out what I truly want. I am no longer the same person I was before my illness. I know this may sound strange but when someone gets really sick and helpless, it is almost like a rebirth. Life changes after that moment. The world and your space in it becomes a bigger question.

So already the universe is testing me. I am facing issues and realizing that I am now approaching things differently. This is actually a really exciting place for me. I can see changes happening and wonder how things will unfold. Plus I am really excited for my new bathing suits and this maybe the first time I have ever been exciting about a bathing suit!

Tending too my Garden

I am trying to stay in the moment. This has been my theme lately. Not getting caught up in memories of the past nor spending too much time trying to create my future. Instead I am enjoying being right here right now. Yesterday I started the morning at my studio working, then a sudden desire to talk to a out of town friend turned into breakfast with them down the road from the studio. I had no idea they were in town! Then this turned into a trip to my studio where we met up with another friend that was hanging out in my studio which then turned into all of us going to watch a soccer match at the local pub. Then we went for smoothies and a walk along the canal by my studio which turned into a trip to the Ballard Locks and then ended up with us having an amazing dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Ballard. It was the perfect day for me! I laughed so hard that my stomach ached at the end of the day. I was able to take many walks throughout the day for my back and I had the best company in the world. I was totally present in our time together and truly enjoyed my day.

Today I am starting a new three month healing program that I have made for myself. It includes not just physical healing but so much more! A couple of years ago I worked with a woman who was able to hold the space for me as I worked towards leaving a very dark period of my life. It seemed like every time we talked something magical would happen before I saw her next. Every issue or person I spoke with her about had a way of showing up within days of our meeting. I have never been able to have another person hold space for me like this lady did. So after almost two years I have started to visit with her again. I am ready to tend to my garden again. I am physical getting stronger everyday and my company is healthy. I am now ready to make room for love and relationships in my life. Much like my theme for this year "love" this room I am working to create is much more than just a romantic relationship. This love is about self love, family love, friendship love, etc.... This is about opening my heart and allowing love in my life.

So I am feeling good after my start to this new healthy phase in my life. I just took a relaxing Orange and Linden berry aromatherapy bath and now I am resting in my bed after a long day of making candles. I am so happy to be home and warm right now that I can not think of any place I would rather be! This is called being completely present in the moment. I have no desire to be or do anything that exactly what and who I am right now.

One step back

This week is turning into a very slow week for me. As I mentioned, my pain has come back a little more than I thought it would. My doctors have you on rest this week so that my nerve can rest. Of course, resting is hard for me. I like to do things and see people but alas I am resting a little more than I have in the past few weeks and it seems to be working.

One thing I have been thinking about is how much love and gratitude I feel towards my back right now. I have had my heart blown open by this injury and I have such a deeper understanding of myself. I also have such a sense of peace about this whole experience. It's like a reawakening in many ways, no more room for drama, sadness or excess (not that I had much of this in my life). This life is too short and fragile to not follow your bliss. I intend to spend everyday happy, healthy and successful!

I just finished Martha Beck's "Steering by Starlight: Finding your Right Life, No Mater What!" This book has been an affirmation for me in so many ways. It is a little more wordy than most books about finding your bliss but I really enjoyed that part. The author is a Harvard educated writer and it shows. I loved her style and the stories she weaves as she talks about the magic that we all experience in life if we are just able to open our eyes. I was so excited by this book I could barely put it down. I did most of the writing and exercises in the book and I plan on rereading it to just let it sink again. It has been a good early year read, definitely setting me up for a wonderful year ahead. But I must also note that in some ways, I am already living the exact life she was talking about. I think about someone, I get an email. I worry about finding the answer to something and suddenly the problem is gone. It is not always this way, but for the most part life is steered by starlight for me and I am happy about that. But my belief is we are always the student and never the master so I am forever reading and learning, changing and adapting in life.

I am working with my good friend Jennifer at a coffee shop by her house. I just dropped off her new love candle and she is so excited! I can't wait to watch her story unfold... That's the best part about my candles.

One man I adore

Today I had coffee with JJ McKay. He is a man I truly adore. He always makes me laugh, smile and be happy I am located in Seattle. We are such a lucky city to have him here and I know the local business community would agree. He made Seattle Business Magazine's top 5 list of networker's to know in the city. And let's add matchmaker to that list, I am waiting for my new husband to come to me via JJ!

I was given the bummer news today that I need to cut down on my swimming for a couple of weeks. It has increased my pain and this is something that is not getting any better. I am bummed but also a little relieved. I am exhausted! So every other day I will be swimming and then cross-training on my off days.

I am working on a new love recipe for Valentines day. I am so excited about this new blend and I made myself a huge pillar. Of course, my candles work amazing for everyone but me so I will just enjoy the smell. But I am excited to give this candle as a gift to friends!

I am so grateful

Even after so much change in my life over the last two years, I am so grateful for where my life is right now. Today I was able to spend some quality time with a friend who has been having a hard time this week. I took her to some of my favorite stores in Seattle. I know that this may seem like such a small thing, but for me after this last year of sickness. I would not have wanted to be anywhere else. I was able to help someone who has really been for me over the last two years and someone that has really been kind to me while I was so sick.

I am reading a couple of books right now. The new book I am reading is by Martha Beck. She is a life coach and contributor to the O magazine. The best part about this book so far is that I know I do not need to read it. The book is all about finding your essential self and your "north star". I have found this in my life. I get to spend my days the way I want, I get to have fun or work hard and I am my own boss. But I am reading the book none the less because as Oprah talked about this week, sometimes we fall off the wagon but we never stop evolving.

I am taking the evening off from social events and just spending it with my animals and father. This weekend I will be in the studio all weekend with breaks for swimming!

Exhausted!

I have been going to the pool 6 days a week and I have to tell everyone, I am exhausted! I always go into the pool thinking, oh I will just do a light day. Well almost two hours later I have pushed myself hard because it feels so good to be moving again. Of course, when I get home I can hardly stay awake but my body is getting stronger so I will keep it up. My back is actually doing a little worse right now but this is OK. The nerve is not used to so much movement and it has to adjust accordingly. I can feel my nerve from my leg all the way into my foot. It's weird to be able to feel something like a nerve under my skin but I can feel it.

Tomorrow is the start of candle making for 2009. I have a lot of work to do. Last year was a hard year for a lot of my friends and I am making candles to help bring in 2009 for them. One candle I create this week is an education environment candle. This is a great candle for parents with young children that want to create an environment that will foster learning. It is also a candle I create for my cousin that is doing a PHD program at NYU. She needs a little boost to create a good study environment to keep her brain active. I can't wait to send this candle to her!

I am off to have dinner and then it is to bed. I am reading a new book for my book club and this book is amazing! It is nonfiction and so far I really like it. It is called Sin in the Second City. If you live in Seattle, shoot me an email if you are interested in joining the book club. It is located on Queen Anne and so much fun.

My name is Aunty!

Today brought a great morning with my nephew. He was so happy to see me and was really excited when he realized I wore my PJ's up there. He loves his PJ's and it is hard to get him out of them in the morning. I was just happy to be snuggling with him on the couch while my sister was able to read the paper and wake up.

I went swimming today and what was supposed to be an easy day in the pool turned out to be a good but very hard work out. I thought I would just hangout in the deep end and do little exercises but then I just got so into what I was doing and pushing my body that after an hour I was exhausted! I felt great but very tired. I went into the sauna with my hair conditioner and applied it to my wet head. My poor hair has been suffering from all the chemicals in the pool. One of my first days at the pool I met a really nice lady that had conditioner in the Sauna with her. She said that she loved to put it on her hair in the sauna because it made her hair so soft afterwards. Well I can confirm this today. My hair is so soft today and curly. I think I will put it in my hair every other day because I no longer have the frizz or funky feeling hair that comes with spending everyday in the pool.

Tomorrow marks my return to the studio since the holidays. I am very excited to get back to work. I just received a large order from Glassy Baby and I am excited to make tea lights again. Plus, I need to get started on product development for the new year. I will keep you all posted on my new candles as I create them.

Drinking Coffee

Today it's sunny and I am out enjoying the weather. After a long morning of being in the pool and pushing myself to the next level, I am at a coffee house enjoying the afternoon. I feel like now that I am getting better and have more energy, there is so much to do. I will share my list with everyone to inspire you all to get all those little things done that need to get done.

1. Make labels for my candles - this is something I am on the fence about. On the one hand I would like people to know that they are my candles, on the other hand, I do not want to ruin the beauty of a product with no advertising on it. It is a fine line and my labels will be as minimal as possible so that my customers still feel like they are buying a piece of art.

2. Contact my ever growing board of directors - This has been something I have struggled with since last summer. Because I could not walk and I was to embarrassed to be scene in public when my nerve was dieing, I have meetings that still have not happened. Lucky for me everyone has been so wonderful about the delay and my nerve has almost fully healed and I no longer appear to have serious nerve damage in my legs.

3. Clean studio - I am in product development mode so it is time to be out with the old, in with the new. Plus, I already have dates filled this month of people that have reserved my studio to come and learn how to make candles, learn about intention work and just have a girls night in.

4. See all my friends! - This is the most fun of all my things to do. I can't wait to see all those people that I have been unable to visit with while I was sick. I have new and old friends that I miss so much. January is my month to let my hair lose and have a good time.

5. Set up my shopping cart online and my Etsy account - I am now in possession of a digital camera and a lap top so what out. My candles will be live soon enough! I will keep you all updated when I go live. I can not wait to be able to start shipping orders from strangers and dear friends alike!

6. Exercise 2 hours a day - This is a direct order from my Physical Therapist. It is the only way I will be able to keep the disease in my back from causing more damage as quickly as it has progressed in the past. I can not stop it but with moving around at least two hours a day, I can slow down the damage.

7. Try to blog 5 times a week - I know I was a total slacker in the past but I can not blame it on all the medications I have been taking. I am on a medical detox with my doctor and have cut down on almost all of my medications. I still have the nerve blocker, which is what has caused my brain to slow down but at least my energy level is raising and soon I will be off the nerve blocker.


I think this is it for today. I am so happy that it is 2009. I already feel better. Last year was a tough year but I am at a very good place with my health right now and I know 2009 is going to be a great year! I even have come to peace with my sickness and feel like I understand why it happened and I am starting to get ready to share my experience with everyone. This has been something that I have thought long and hard about and feel wiser and know that I am now a better person because of this whole experience.

2009 is Divine

The theme for this year is LOVE!

I thought long and hard over the last few days about what is most important in my life for the next year. In the past I have focused on success, my company and friendships. And all of these area's are thriving beyond my expectations. The one area I must focus on is love in all it's forms. Self love for my health, love for my family and friends that have been so wonderful to me, love for that special someone in my life, love for my candles, my customers and love for my life.

In the last year I have been working hard on creating the best life I can, I was hit hard with my back injury but as the year comes to an end, I realized that I loved my life. I love my injury because it has taught me so much, it has helped me to slow down and really take care of myself. My injury has changed my direction and focus in life in a really good way. I love my candles and my company. I love that I can make products that truly have meaning for people, some I have not even met. I love that I am now in charge of my schedule and can take the time I need to work out everyday. I love that I have a team of professionals that I see on a regular basis who have helped me heal and thrive. I am so grateful to the new additions to my board of directors who are helping to move my company forward and into the next and much larger phase. I love my animals that have been with me for the last 8 years and truly love to spend time with me. Whatever room I am currently in, they all end up there wanting my attention. Or they just want to be close and feeling the positive energy. I love my changing body as it becomes smaller and stronger. I love my wonderful friends that make everyday a joy to be a part of.

Yesterday I spent the day with my good friend Jennifer while I taught her to make candles for her new book. She is calling me her Wax expert and professional candle maker. This title she gave me made me laugh! I never thought i would be an expert in any area. We spent the afternoon catching up, making candles and enjoying each others company. The best part was the two gold NEW YEARS FORTUNE candles I made. These are are like wish candles and are only made once a year. I took my candle to dinner with another friend and we made a wish at the table. Once I got home I lit the candle before midnight and it is still lit. I am going to keep it going until it is done so I can release all the love and gratitude I have towards the world and my life. It is glowing gold and my room smells magical.

This year is also about me opening up to love. I have had a very unusual life and love is something that has been hard for me. Moving around so much I could not get attached or I would end up missing that thing horribly when I moved again. So while I understand the idea not to become attached to material objects, attachments to people have been hard. But I am now opening up to love in all it's forms. This summer would have been so much worse if I had not been so down that I realized the only way to survive was to open up and let people love me. I am continuing this quest as my life becomes richer with meaning and more beautiful. One way that love has changed my life is that I can now allow people to just be themselves in whatever phase they are in. No more judgment or fear, I can stand strong next to someone and hold space for them to be whomever they are. This has been a lesson that I am completely grateful for, I don't want to have to change for someone and I want them to feel the same way around me. This has allowed for deep connections and meaningful experiences.

So I hope that everyone has thought about their personal theme for the year! 2009 is going to be so much better than 2008. I hope everyone has a great year.

New Years Eve

Tomorrow is a very exciting day!

New Years Eve is the time to put the past to rest and look towards the future with excitement! I will be spending the morning in the pool which is my new favorite e thing to do. Then a lovely afternoon of candle making at my studio which will end with a new years fortune candle for the both of us and lastly, I will make my intention list for 2009.

My health has been improving lately. I have been trying to get to the pool everyday. It has actually been going really well. Much like walking this summer, I am now trying to spend a few hours a day in the pool. Not only does it warm me up so that I can get through this winter, but it has also helped me get over the latest pain hump. So I am happy to go swim with the older ladies that make up my senior citizens class. Yeah, I may look like a youngster but my spine is the spine of a 90 year old!

Life is changing and my outlook has changed for the better!
I can't wait for the new year.

2008 coming to a close

Even though the Solstice already happened, 2008 is almost over according to our modern calendars. This last week that I have been snowed in has been a tough week of reflection. So many things have been going through my mind. I am ready for a fresh start!

This year has been physically and emotionally tough yet I feel more enlighten and clear on what is truly important to me. I have learned that my body is the most important thing to me right now. I am in a race against time because of my spine. It is daunting to realize that one day I will not be able to walk or move around like I do now. Yet, through all this health madness, I have come to realize how simple I want life to be. I have a clear vision of what I want to do with my life and it revolves around my health, my family, my friends and my candles. Everything else is just noise and distraction to me. In the past I put other people and jobs before my health and happiness. Not anymore! When I am on my own life becomes easier, more magical, lucky and meaningful. I am no longer confused or depressed. I am in focus and very happy to be exactly where I am right now.

I have learned, I have changed, I have grown up and matured into the person I always wanted to be. It is a great feeling to realize that with intention work, life has a focus and dreams do come true. Someone told me that the stage I am in is like a butterfly before it comes out of the cocoon. I have to do this process alone so that I when I come back into society I will be more beautiful and peaceful than before. My injury this summer has allowed for me to work through the emotional aspect of learning that I will not always be able to run around like I once was able too. I have come to peace with my situation and allowed myself to grow into a very positive space. Self love and care is the most important thing to each of us. Without this balance I have suffered and watched other's suffer as well. This balance is something that is so delicate and hard to achieve but once I got there, miracles happened all around me.

I want to share this balance with all the people that I come into contact with. I have learned what the extremes look like on both ends and now I know what the balance looks like and it is wonderful. My spine injury has been the best thing that could have happened to me. In many ways it has taught me the importance of being alone but also the importance of community and being able to depend on loved ones. This summer without the help from my father and other very close friends, I would not have been able to move. On the other hand, I spent a lot of time alone this summer coming to peace with myself. I now understand how important living a healthy lifestyle is, everything from yoga, swimming, fresh fruits and veggies to clean air and living life in the slow lane. I still have ambition and dreams, I still want to make the best candles out there and to grow my company into a large and stable company but I will do it a very different way from now on. My company will be built on balance and self care. I must practice what I preach and I am finally at that point. I was so excited to see the Cover of O magazine all about balance and self care. I read the magazine with an eye of self reflection and I am proud to say that I am finally able to say that my life is balanced and full of intention and peace.

2009 is going to be an amazing year!