Gain

So today I am making candles like a machine. They are turning out perfect and I really feel in the flow of life.
I have also started to pack the house I once lived in up.
New year, new life, new home, new me.

I keep thinking about Diving Timing and how perfect the world is no matter how much pain I am in. There is a reason for all of this turmoil. I just have to let life happen and discover what the reasons might be.

I am fighting the sad and lonely side of me. Well, not fighting but saying hello and promising that soon we will not have to return to this place that hurts me. I am talking to these parts of my personality and assuring them that we will not make another mistake like this one. Don't get me wrong, I will make plenty of mistakes in life. But I have also worked very hard to learn what went wrong this time so I can avoid it in the future.

This always makes me feel better. It is amazing to know that I have a wonderful life ahead of me and it is totally open.

I have a lot of orders coming up in the next month. I was going to wait until September to start the candles up again but I missed it. Candle making is such a huge part of me that I can not turn away from it. Especially since it helps so many people. So I have gained that part of my life back. I have gained confidence and strength and I have gained my own respect for myself and my future.

Loss

I seem to have forgotten how to do the one thing I truly love to do.
Well, maybe forgotten is a harsh word but this weekend I need to make a large number of candles for a wedding and it is not going too well.

Maybe it is being in a home I once lived in but no longer feel connected too. Maybe it is all the loss I have experienced in the last year that has me feeling tipsy in life.
Maybe it is the fact that I have not made candles in over two months and I realized this week that I truly missed it. Or maybe it is the fact that I am trying hard to sit in my Yin energy and that is not a familiar feeling for me.

But I feel like a stranger in my life and in my body.
I have lost over 20 pounds. I am now starting to have to wear clothes that I bought in 2000. Good thing I kept them. I feel younger than my age and more unsteady than I should in most areas of my life.

Except for my company and my work. For the first time in my life I am truly happy going into the office everyday, then coming home and working on my projects every evening. No time is wasted for I have too much to do and the desire to see it all manifest. So this is my one area of comfort. My one calm area. The one thing I can depend on. Except of course for myself. Because no matter what changes on the outside, inside I have everything I need in life. In me is a strength and love that is so strong I will never feel alone again.

So I am learning to sit inside myself and only focus on being a strong and powerful woman. This is hard since I am so used to doing, being, changing, working, moving, anything that ends in ING and requires movement of some sort is where I have spent the last six years. But now I am stepping back into my strength and just being. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just being totally present in the moment.

First Steps

Last night I went to my sisters house in the evening after work.
She was on the computer and I was cutting some cheese for a snack. We were talking and laughing and not looking at Dylan (my nephew). I suddenly look down at him to witness him taking his first two steps.

The look on his face was so amazing. It was a look of excitement, fear, concentration and experiencing the unknown. He fell down and then starting clapping at himself. He was so happy to have taken his first steps. I luckily caught him in the act early enough to tell my sister to look down at him so she could see it as well.

I am so proud of this little guy.
He also gave me two of the biggest kisses on my cheek last night.

I feel like Dylan right now. I feel like I am finally taking my first steps in life. I have so much in common with my nephew right now. When I get to see him he brings all my joy out in life. We are on the same ride in this life and I could not have asked for a better companion.

Astral Weeks

My heart is a flutter with love right now.
Love for my life, love for the summer, love for my friends and love for love.
I feel like Van Morrison's Astral Weeks album. The new world is new and I am a young lover experiencing life again.

My weekend get away was amazing. Just what I needed to wake up and bring back all my positive energy. Ahmi my dog, was the perfect guest. She loved her hosts and we took her with us everywhere we went. She was so calm and peaceful.

I have many more adventures coming up in the next two months.
I am feeling such a creative burst of energy that I can hardly sit still. I recently found a novel I started writing when I was 14 and driving across the country. I have started to work on that again along with my other writing I do on a daily basis.

I have also really been opening my heart up more to those around me. I am working on living a more authentic life and that means allowing myself to open up to people more. It feels amazing to really connect with people and be totally present in our conversations. Every time I do this I can feel my heart opening more and more.

My coworker today noted that my true self was starting to come out. The happy, energetic, people loving and positive side that loves to be busy, to spend time with people and to be creative on a daily basis. She said she was really excited to see me coming back into my own world and filling her days up with love and positive energy.

Dreamy Night

Have you ever just had one of those nights when as you are walking home, you realize how amazing life is?

Last night I hosted my AIGA social event and it was awesome. So many wonderful people turned out and I even made 5 new lady friends. I had so much fun and not once was I reminded of the pain in my heart. This is such a great sign. I was able to laugh, flirt and pick records for the DJ all while being totally present in the moment.

Tonight is another busy social night for me as well as my adventure this weekend.

Sometimes the Universe likes to shake things up for us so that we can realize how amazing, strong and beautiful we are!

This weekend

This weekend my dog and I are going on vacation.
I can't wait for the adventure, the open road and a companion that loves to stick her nose out the window.

We are going to stay with an old friend. My dog and I are both ready to receive loads of love from this person and just settle into how amazing we are.

I have a heart that has healed and is stronger and more open than before. I am letting my guard down and letting love into my life. Through all the pain I have found myself, my core and my strength.

Thanks to all who have helped me over the last month or so. Without your help I would not have been able to heal, to be open to love and be able to love myself as much as I do now!

I am finally feeling better

I have been spending so much time in Discovery Park lately that I feel like the park is my home. Everyday I walk in the fields of grass, look at the Mountains and release all of my fears to the Universe.

This weekend I spent all day on Saturday with a very good and old friend. We talked, walked and went to a bookstore.

I am feeling much better and much more grounded. I am living totally in the present and being grateful for every moment. This is a time of healing for me. I know at the other end of this experience my heart is will be even more open and I will be closer to being totally present in my body. My spirit and soul are returning to my body and I am so grateful to be working with such amazing people to help me through this tough time.

I have also been very grateful to all the people in my life that have come out of the wood work to show love and appreciation for me. I could not have done this without the support of all of my lovely friends and associates. I truly feel loved every moment of everyday because of the kind words, actions and hugs I have received from so many. I am truly blessed with wonderful people in my life and I hope one day to provide them with the support and love they have given me.

From Pain to Strength

Sometimes the universe teaches lessons in a very painful way. But once you are able to step out of the pain and see the lesson, life starts to make more sense.

My pain over the last few years has taught me so many wonderful lessons and I am finally able to understand these lessons. I can't believe the feelings of rebirth and freedom I feel now. I have such love and honor for myself. I am a survivor and this lesson makes me want to help others even more than before.

I have recently started to understand the true nature of my old relationship. This is a hard thing to admit and one thing I had been hiding for years. What I have come to realize is that I do not need to repeat this pattern nor take the blame. I am free of the situation and ready to make it to the next level of healing.

This healing will only make my candles stronger and my message more clear.

There is no cosmetic for Beauty like Happiness

If I could hug Dan Baker from Canyon Ranch I might never let go.
I just finished reading What Happy Women Know and I can say with all my soul that this book has truly changed my life and my perspective on life.

If you have a woman you love in your life, please buy her this book right now. Your life will only get better by spreading this book and it's message to all the women in the world.

Tonight I will be doing Yoga and rereading this book.

Starting this weekend I will be working on some business plans and contracts for the future. I am so grateful to have been reunited with a high school friend who is quickly becoming my business partner and biggest supporter in life. She has really given me the strength to look at my life and keep moving forward.
I also have to give a shout out to another high school friend Saskia who has been stepping into her soul's work and life purpose and is ready to learn all about how amazing it is to be a strong and beautiful woman. She started this website on Seasonal Affective Disorder after suffering for many years with the condition. This is her contribution to the the world and bringing together people who need support and can help support others.

Something Big is going to Happen

What a difference a week makes.
Something big is going to happen to Odessa's Herbals and I can't wait to share the news.

I will be hard at work all summer to take the company to the next level. This is by far the most exciting thing I have ever committed too.

I will also be moving this summer to Seattle. This will be truly be a breath of fresh air that is much needed.

I have been hard at work coming up with new candles and new intentions and will be sharing these with everyone soon enough.

But until then, please just know that I am hard at work on myself and getting to the best possible place I can be. The best way for me to share my gift is too be the best person I can on the inside so that you can have the best energy from me.

Happy Sunshine Day!

Time for a tune up

I have filled my schedule with appointments of all kinds for the next month. I am in need of a serious tune up and help.
Ok.... I will now admit it.

I have this wonderful company that helps so many other people but right now I am in need of help. I am physically and emotionally sick. This has been a truly hard month for me. I really never thought I could hurt this much but I hurt way worse then I realize. And it does not seem to stop. My tears are falling so hard and fast all the time. I feel like I am sinking.

Life changes are really hard. Especially when love is involved and commitment. 6 years of commitment where I worked so hard and did the best I could.

Six years to turn around and lost everything including our friendship. Six years to be treated in such a painful way. Six years to just be left and not thought about again.

See, I hurt. This is why I am trying to find a way out before it gets too hard.

Stop those negative thoughts!

Last night was the first Odessa's Girls Night and it was great.
We shared, talked, ate and had nice cocktails.
It was great to be surrounding by really positive and supportive women.

I will let everyone know when the next ladies night is happening.

This week I have been spending a lot of time writing and reflecting on life. I am starting to get into the swing of things and letting go of the need to control or know the future.
One great realization I had was I was giving too much thought and energy to the ending of my relationship.

I need to instead focus on the future. Focus on what I want to create next and what this will feel like. I need to spend time finding out what makes me happy.

I am a little sad but really, I need to focus on what is positive in my life right now. I can not go down the path of self pity! I need to get back my positive energy and love for life. Every time I think about a thought that upsets me I am going to look to the root of that thought to better understand what I want in life. This way I can turn every negative or depressed thought into an action note for my future.

This will also provide a rush of positive energy throughout my body. I will no longer be connecting with the old energy but only with the new fun, sexy, happy, successful, smart and interesting person that I am. I am shedding my old skin to bring out the best of who I am. This person has been in hiding for too long!

Update

Today was a very lonely day for me.
I was reading in the hot tub of a house that I am house sitting and I realized something.

I am a person that enjoys being in a partnership.

For so many years I thought it was silly to be this kind of person. In fact, I loathed anyone who wanted this sort of thing but today I realized, while it is nice to be alone, it is really nice to know there is someone to talk with after a long adventure who adores you. Ie. A relationship.

So while I get used to the feeling, idea and reality of being alone.... I can't help but think about what I like about relationships. Why I like relationships and what I hope will happen in the future.

I feel so weird, girly and weak just admitting this but it's true. I am embracing this side of myself. My shadow side I call it. For so long I have had to be tough and never need anyone but lately I have come to realize that I am so happy and in love with my life that I would like to share all the amazing things happening to me with someone. I don't feel the need to be saved or supported. I just would like to share my world with someone.

I do miss my old friend. He helped me so much in the last five years but alas, if you love something you must set it free. Only time will tell. I will always love this person and be friends with them. There is no question about that.

Intention, blogging and blue moon

I keep wanting to blog but then I get scared.
Why am I scared? Well, that is a complex question with about a thousand answers. My life is totally up in the air now and as much as I would like to be in control, I am not.

I am a roller coaster of emotion and sometimes this scares me. I know all of this change is truly for the best and I know I even had a large hand in creating this change but when faced with change, fear can get the best of us.

And some days fear has such a hold on me that I have a hard time breathing. And some days I can laugh in the face of fear and scream " You can't get me, I am ready to fight you". But then I sometimes feel like a mad woman explaining it all. How can I appear sane when my heart feels like it is pounding 100 miles per hour and I don't know what I feel half of the time?

But there is this core strong part of me deep inside that is calm, relaxed, prepared and ready to move forward. It is this part of me that is starting to take over and let all the fear and anxiety go. This strong woman is stepping forward and I know that I will be OK. I just have to trust the part of me that is quiet and still and allow it to work it's magic.

This week marks a Blue Moon. For anyone who does not know what a blue moon is, it is the 2ND full moon in one month. This day will have a lot of energy surrounding it and will be a good day for setting intentions and making a treasure map of what you want to create. I will be celebrating this full moon by creating my dream board and spending as much time as I can outside.

Skee Ball and Black Pepper Cheese

Today was a good day. I hung out with a new/old friend who was visiting from LA. We walked, talked and admired about how different yet the same life is for us now versus 13 years ago.

I sometimes forget that I have not seen some people since high school and they know nothing about what life has been like for the last 13 years. These are people that have never heard my stories, nor my adventures nor have any idea how I got to this place that I am at now.

Of course, what is a spent with me that does not involve some sort of game where I can pretend to be really competitive and bring the kid out in me? This day it was skee ball. We played $10.00 worth of games, each games being a quarter. He remarked that it was almost like a work out. His heart was racing from all the action.

We then sat and talked. He told me more about LA. I talked about what it was like to be single after so many years. He talked about working towards a career yet feeling lonely because in LA finding a really smart woman is somewhat hard. We talked about the book he just wrote and I told him my idea about the book I want to work on. It was truly an interesting and fun day.

Sometimes I forget about all the amazing things I have done in life and how much fun I can be. Today brought back those feelings for me. I am serious about my business and career and in no ways am I a flake but sometimes I let the kid come out and dazzle even myself. It is so few and far between when you meet people that you can walk and talk with. Conversations that include everything from good smelling soaps to learning to be grounded to new products I want to create to how to find love in a modern world, these are the things that give me energy and make me love life. This friend is a kindred soul that I hope to continue my conversation with and visit him sometime in LA.

Loss and asking for help

Wow...
What a week it has been. So many emotions, so little time.
Once thing I am excited to announce is that I have lost 5 pounds on my weight loss journey.

Another thing I am excited to announce is the 1st ever Odessa's Herbals Girls Night Out.
I will be making candles and holding a large table at the Black Bottle in Seattle the night of June 7th for any lady that wants to stop by and get some support in life. This plan was created by some friends with my planning, to help me deal with the loss of my relationship. I am so excited for this night, I am even going to make a special candle for the event!

Please email me if you would like to attend or just send some positive vibes my way.

I am also going to start working on a handbook of rituals to help heal the heart, let go of old emotions and create the life you have always wanted to live. I will provide more details when as they come.

So much is up in the air in my life yet with everyday I feel stronger. I am just letting the Universe work it's magic and focusing on the future.

In the middle of the night

I am awake. I am not sure why I am awake but alas, I can not sleep.
I woke up after dreaming that there was some sort of fish in my bed and I was creating fish food for it.

Welcome to the world of my dreams. After some research I pulled this up about what the fish symbolizes:

There are numerous species of fish, but the creature in general holds some prime symbolic meanings:

• fertility
• eternity
• creativity
• femininity
• good luck
• happiness
• knowledge
• transformation

Well, this is true for me on so many levels.

Here is another meaning for the Fish symbol:

Lastly, in Norse and ancient European cultures, the fish had symbolic meanings of adaptability, determination, and the flow of life. It was observed by these cultures that fish often display enormous attributes of adaptability in the wild, and they adopted these characteristics for themselves. Salmon were commonly revered for their determination in their annual pilgrimage to their spawning grounds – the entire journey swum against the current.

More on this to come.

New Crush

Last night my good friend Adam took me to a special screening of the new movie "Knocked Up". This movie was written and directed by Judd Apatow, who is also the co-creator of "Freaks and Geeks", my favorite TV ever.

I love the movie! I would recommend this movie to anyone who likes comedies about life, real life, the good and the bad.... And the Friends. This is what I admire about Judd. He always casts his friends and in his projects and seems like a great friend. So one of my new goals in life is to become friends with Judd. Not to be in a movie, I have no interest in that, but I would like to interview him about how he has become such an amazing friend. You can feel the energy surrounding all of his projects about what a fun friend he is.

So my new crush is Paul Rudd. He is funny, sweet and an amazing actor. I have netflixed a whole bunch of his movies this weekend for my self care weekend. It will just be me, the animals and Paul Rudd.

Have a great weekend!

Change is in the air

My life is changing right now. Everything that I have come to know as my life for the last five years is now gone or going. Ok, not everything but my partner and I are ending our long term relationship.

This is a good thing in the end.
But I am not there yet. Right now I am sad, confused, heart broken, excited and feel like I am losing my best friend all in one.

I am preparing for a weekend of comfort. I am going to wear my PJ's all day, work in the garden and close down for 48 hrs. straight. I need some me time. I need time to readjust, get ready for the change, figure out what is mine and what I want to keep or get ride of. Including material, emotional and everything else under the sun.
I am also going to have a fire in the fire pit and let go and let my faith take over.

Last night I had the bed to myself for the first time in years. All my animals joined me for a very peaceful night of sleeping. I am so happy to share my life with these little ones. I know they will help me through this and be able to comfort me when I need it the most.

Today I feel cranky - Yesterday I was in a dream state

I have been in a dream state this last week. I saw an old friend on Sunday night and it has caused me to be transported back 10 years ago when we first became friends.
How in so many ways I miss those days. I miss spending all my time with friends. I miss feeling like the world was one big small college campus. I miss feeling excited about what my future would be.
But, there are things I don't miss as well. I don't miss the confusion and heartache. I don't miss the Midwest or trying to be friends with people who are not good for me. I don't miss feeling lost or powerless.

Things are so much better now. Life is finally in full color for me and I love it.

The other strange part about my friends visit is that he is on tour with a very famous band. I went to the show, could not make it to the end since I had to get up early, but took part in a bar/show part of Seattle I never see anymore. It was kind of sad for me.
I remember going to shows or bars to see friends. It was like a family reunion of sorts. Not everyone drank, I rarely did. But we all went to the shows to spend time together.
Seattle has changed so much in my time away. I did not see anyone I knew. I did not feel the energy that was once the Seattle music scene. This crowd felt too big, too much like a meat market, too much like a large university instead of a small liberal arts college.


Today I feel cranky. I want to get in my PJ's and climb into bed. I feel a little scattered with my energy. There are alot of changes happening right now in almost every area of my life and I am ready, but I also get tired as well. I also need to start making better decisions for my life on all area's in my life. I guess I am getting cranky because I am starting to put myself first and this is changing so much and at times it makes me want to resort back to my old ways. However, I have come too far to allow this to happen. So I must just ride this cranky energy out today and realize tomorrow is a new day.

Thread Show Seattle

Thread Show Seattle

Hey everybody!

I was interviewed for this video by some old friends. Ahh... It's good to know people!

Please watch the video and let me know what you think. I am the third vendor they speak with.

So much fun!

What are you doing on May 14th?

I know I will be at the Shop/07 conference in Seattle. I can't wait for the day long conference for anyone in the retail business. This conference was put together by the lovely Melody who was also the leader of the Ladies who Launch incubator I took part in. This incubator has really helped to change my life, pushed Odessa's into something that is more than just a dream and has introduced me to some really great friends.

This day long event has so many speakers that I admire, I feel almost giddy for Monday.

In other news I am working on getting the shopping cart system set up so that my customers can order on line. I am also starting to create gift baskets with special products made by me.

This weekend will be dedicated to the farmer's market, my garden and spending time with my mother.

Take a deep breath

Yesterday was my last candle show for awhile. It was a very special event held in Bothell for the non-profit A Common Bond. It was such an honor to be a part of this fund raiser and to watch how tragedy was able to bring these women together to support each other for the rest of their lives.
I look forward to donating more items and helping to create a candle for this organization.


I was also able to debut my new palm wax candles.
Palm wax is so different from any of the other waxes that I use, I was slightly unsure of what people would think. Turns out they loved it! I got special orders just for the Palm wax candles.

So it looks like I will now offer candles in Soy and Palm wax. I will post some pictures soon!


I am cleaning house and taking it easy today. To say I am exhausted in an understatment! I love running my company but sometimes I get so tired I must take a day or so off.

Odessa's Herbals is going to start offering house party deals. I have not figured out all the detais but I love a house show and I love really being able to connect with my customers. House parties are also good excuses to talk girl talk and bond over candles.
If anyone is interested in helping me plan some of these events, please let me know.

Have a great week!

Things I love

Because I run my own company producing products and thus, I think about products all the time, I thought I would share with my readers some things I love and how I use them in my daily life.

Whether it is a company or product, I think everyone deserves to be in the spotlight. I try to be a aware and conscious shopper. I don't like products tested on animals and I try to shop for products made by smaller companies. So think of this as a consumer guide to things I have loved, just started to love or know that I will love soon enough!

SHIKAI - I feel like my home is becoming a shrine to this company. I use almost all of their products. They are all natural and never tested on animals. In the morning I use their henna shampoo to bring the red notes out in my hair. I use the Sandalwood and Amber body wash to take long bubble baths in and when I really need it, I will use the lotion on my skin. However, the body wash is so gentle it actually makes me feel clean and soft. No more dry skin for me!

Weleda - After spending an afternoon at my local herb shop I realized that this company is what I dream to become one day. They have an organic farm on site where they grow the food that they serve in their cafeteria. There is a school on the "campus" where the children go during the day and are so close to their parents that they get to have lunch together. The products are all natural. I use their deodorant spray in Sage which not only works but has helped calm my hears about breast cancer. I also use their face lotion and Skin food on my my delicate parts, face, hands, feet.

Frans- Their salted caramels are divine. I never knew I could like chocolates so much. Not everyone can handle the sweet and salt of these but that only means more for me! Fran's is a local Seattle company and I hope one day to meet the owner so I can tell her that only valentines day, I only request Fran's salted caramels.

Gaiam - Their organic bedding is amazing. I have yet to buy a set but I am just waiting for this summer to come around. I plan on fixing up my house to make it truly a place I love!

Moon Scents and Magical Blends - (closed ) This company was my favorite catalog when I was a teenager. I loved the shop and always had dreams of visiting it. A few years after learning about the store, the owner decided to just focus on custom blended oils. I have bought a couple of her oils and they are lovely. I do really miss the moonscents store because they always had such wonderful items that I can no longer find.

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab - Ariel introduced me to this company and I am now obsessed. Oh, this brings the old Goth girl out in me. I love the website and I will be ordering some oils this weekend. I love supporting a company that is only opens their doors to the public on full moons! One day I will travel to LA around a full moon so I can see the real deal.



I will keep updating my blog with more items I love but this is a good start for now.