Change is happening

Today I start my first class towards becoming a life coach!
This is a giant step for me and a step that I am so excited to take.   I have been dreaming about this change since over the summer and I can't wait to start being active in creating my new reality.

I also have come to a lot of truths about myself lately.   By embracing these truths, I feel like the dark clouds are starting to part.  I have this new level of Joy bubbling up and it feels so good.   I can't keep pretending to be something that I am not.   I know why I have been pretending to be this person but it finally needs to stop.  I am embracing my truth and a funny thing has happened.  Everyone around me is being supportive and loving towards me.  I feel giddy.

I am not ready to fully share this truth with the world so I hold it dear to my heart right now.  But by embracing my true self, I am finally feeling true love and peace about myself and the world.

I am so looking forward to the start on my book club!

Being on the edge of change

I know this feeling.   I have had it before.   It's familiar yet I can't define it yet.

It's the feeling of being on the edge of a major change but not knowing how this change will manifest.   It's not the most comfortable place to be.   I am uncomfortable with my old life and yet I am not experiencing the new life yet.   I am doing a lot of praying and dreaming.   I am maintaining my current life while waiting.  
What is nice is that I get older, I no longer feel the need to be destructive during this time.  In the old days I would have ended relationships, quit jobs and moved across the country just to stop this feeling but not now.  Now I am challenging myself to live in it.   To go deep inside myself and see what my heart is calling me to do.  And to just experience these feelings but I no longer want to be shut down anymore.

I am starting to receive emails from people interested in joining the book club that I signed up to lead.  This is exciting!  
I am preparing to sign up to become a life coach which is a huge change for me.  And I am still focusing on my health and happiness.  

I had one very successful moments this past weekend.  I attended a party this weekend that was thrown by an old friend from high school.  I have not seen any of these people since the day I graduated from high school.   Many years ago I had my 10 year reunion and I skipped it.  I was not in a place where I felt like I was ready to see my classmates.   There were only 37 of us and we had all been going to school together for years.  I was so disappointed with my life and felt insecure that I shut almost everyone out in my life.
Well this weekend was different.   I am happy with my life.  I am relaxed.  I am confident. 
It was so great to see these people that were so important in my childhood yet they don't even realize it.   It was like going home in so many ways.  

I am not where I want to be in life yet but I am finally stepping into my life in a way where I am happy and proud of everything I have done.   And I want to open myself up more to people.  

I think this is my new goal at the moment.  To open myself up more and connect with people.   This feels very right for me at the moment.

The Desire Map Book Club

What have I done?

I just signed up to lead a local chapter of Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map Book Club.  I am so exited for this opportunity to meet with new people, to grow in my life personally and professionally and to start working with Danielle LaPorte's book.   I have a feeling that life is going to grow and change because of this decision and I am embracing it all!


Lately I have been working with my feelings and energy and trying to lead with the feeling of love.   This has been very useful lately as my life continues to evolve and change.   I am dealing with feelings long buried and ignored. I am having feelings surface that I never knew where in me.  It has been strange but very much a process of the storm before the calm.   I know I am ridding myself of things that need to be out of my life but it's so hard right now.

And I have new changes on the horizon that are exciting! 

But before I can get fully excited I have to keep working through my feelings and healing.  It's a process.

Trying to have Faith

My theme lately is one around Faith.   I am struggling with having faith that the right thing will happen.  I want to plan, control and force what I want to happen in my life but right now it's just not working.  
Because of this I have been suffering.   I was feeling upset about my life, my direction, my surroundings but then something clicked last week.

And I just let go!

I realized that the right thing will happen.   I have to stop living in the future or living in the past.  I need to just focus on what's happening in that moment and release the rest.   And with that my pain calmed down.  I felt present again and I am just putting everything into the hands of the Universe.  I will stay active in laying the foundation to the direction I want to go in life based on my feelings.   The details are not something I can control.  I know I want a successful career that I love.  I know I want a partnership with someone that makes me very happy.   I know that I want to enjoy my family and friends.  And that I want to live an intentional life.

Beyond that.   It's none of my business.   My career can be anything that makes me happy and provides for my life.   My partnership is closer than ever because I am breaking down walls within myself and doing my work.  My time with family and friends can be amazing because I actively make these dates fun and open to adventure. 

It's still a daily struggle in many ways but everyday I am a little calmer and trusting faith more.  

I want more fun in life

My soul is screaming for more fun in life.   I am focusing too much on changing my life that I feel like I am not enjoying things enough.  So my goal for the next few weeks is to have more fun in life.   I am in a great place in my life.   Yes there are things I want that I do not have yet.  But there are also an amazing amount of great things in my life that I need to be grateful for.  

So I am going to have more fun.  I am going to write in my journal at a bar all by myself.  I am going to buy some colored pencils and paper and I am going to draw.   I am going to make silly dates with my friends and have some fun adventures.    I am going to let myself enjoy the moment and not focus or talk about all the things I am working on. 

Sometimes I don't sit back enough and love myself.  I push myself to change all the time, passed the point of exhaustion.  Sometimes I just want to relax and have fun.  

And sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I don't realize it until after the fact.  And then I beat myself up over this. This is my theme for today.  Ugh....

But right now I have decided to stop blogging.  To take a long lunch and get outside and be a part of society.  I am too tied to my computer and my Internet and all other things.  I am going to be free for a couple of hours!

Finding my North Star

Almost 4 years ago I closed the door on my candle company.  It was a painful process for me.  I realized at the time that I needed to focus on my health and I was in no position to focus on healing while running the company.  I felt like I was being thrown back into the abyss.  I scrambled while facing some very tough circumstances.  I mourned the loss of my company, my best friend and my long term relationship.  

I was lucky enough to be able to pick up a job in the gaming industry and I focused on making it my life.  I worked hard and did everything I could to keep up with the pace while I returned to a healthy lifestyle.   For the last 3 years I have been happy in my current position but wanting more in life.   I reached out for new opportunities but every time it looked like a change was happening, it would disappear right away.   I struggled with what to do in life and realized that I just needed to sit with my life.  I needed to be still and just wait.  Sometimes spirit works when we focus on other things.

I got healthy, I hired a trainer, I dealt with another breakup, school and family situations.   I gave myself space and tried to remain open.  It has not been an easy process at all.  I feel like I am peeling this onion inside of myself and with every layer I look at my eyes burn.  I am forced to face my shadow and work through the process.  It's so painful!  I never imagined that working on my issues could be such a hard process and yet with every layer, I am happier.  I am more free to be open to life.  Once I get over the pain and the process of dealing with a shadow layer,  I am stronger.  I am able to tackle the next block in life and my path starts to clear up. 

I finally can see my next path in life.   My soul is speaking to me and my vision is clear.   I know what I want to do next.  And I am so excited to finally was able to see my next step.  It makes so much sense to me. Everything suddenly makes sense.  School, work, my relationship and the break up, my trainer.  It's all connected!  All of the confusion I have suffered from over the last two years is replaced by energy, vision and purpose.

The Universe works in mysterious ways.   I have a couple of steps to take before I can start my next adventure but I am closer than ever to creating my life exactly how I want it to be.  And to be in  a place where I can truly help other people create their dreams.  And make a living while being able to live in my sea of passions!

Writing is becoming a daily activity

When I am not blogging, I am deep in my journal writing.  I feel like I am returning home after many years away.  I am sorting myself out.   At this point in my life I might have over 100 journals.  They are all over my room. And yet I never go back.  I never read any of them because I am not ready to return to those emotions.  I am finally at a place in my life where all unhappy emotions are disappearing but I am not yet far enough away to return to that place.
My journaling has changed over the years and is returning back to the place where my life and my desires melt into one. 

I have also been focusing on my health, working out and eating better.   It's bad but all I want to do now is go to the gym, work out and journal.  My main focuses in life are evolving and my idea of what I want to do in life is changing.   I want to be more holistic and healthy.  But I also want to make more money and have a career.  So after many years in the video game industry, I am now thinking about how can I more closer to my path in life.  I love my job and love my industry but I also love being in my body.  And I want to help other people that are overweight and overwhelmed to come to love their bodies as much as I have come to love mine. 

So I am putting this out there.  I don't know if this means a career change or just continuing doing what I am doing now.  But I wanted to put it out in the world and see what happens.   I am ready to open myself up more to changes in my life and see where the Universe takes me.

Cashmere weather is coming

We are slowly sliding into the fall.  Seattle is holding out but there is a feeling in the air.   We are closer to my birthday which usually signals the end of summer, the nights are getting longer, the mornings are a bit colder and darker.   I am starting to slow down and want to rest a little more.  I am looking at my cashmere box and yearning to be able to pull out my sweaters.  And I am getting excited for snowshoeing adventures.

Life lately has coniststed of me going deep into myself and working a lot of things out.  These things do not have anything to do with work or my career.   These are very personal issues that I am ready to take head on and work on.  It has been a whirlwind summer of emotions, memories and healing.  So much healing!
I have confronted myself and people and finally admitted feelings that I now realize were buried very deep in me.   I feel so powerful and happy.  I feel free from confusion and I feel steady.  These conversations were beautiful.  And I will never regret the decisions that were made.   I am leaving this summer so filled with love and joy.   And I am grateful for this.

If only I could figure out how to snowshoe in the summertime!

Cleaning House

Change is all around me right now.  I am cleaning house in so many different ways in my life.  It's a beautiful process.   I am standing up for myself in a way I never have before.  And I am starting to realize that over the last 15 years, I have lived with a lot of limiting beliefs and I am now ready to release them. 

It was a pretty big realization I had last week when it hit me that I had these very deep limiting beliefs.  If you met me in life, you would think that I already manifest big things in my life.  I have a great career and make enough money to really take care of myself.  I have everything I need in life and very little debt.  But deep down I have come to realize that there is a glass ceiling to my dreams.  They only go so far.  They cover my basic needs but they do not push me over into that extraordinary life I long and intend to live.  
I have taken a couple of days to really let this reality sink in.  My life can be so much more once I determine what it is I want.  With my new knowledge that I can create so much more, I want to take the time and space to think about what it is I truly want.  There is a lot of power to this deep realization.  I feel like someone suddenly cleaned a very dirty window and I can suddenly see into a dream world I never knew was out there.

I have started to create a couple of new vision boards for myself.  It's fun to see how different these boards are now than even 1 year ago.  I am so much more open to myself, to God and to the beauty that is this world.   I feel so blessed to be able to take this time in my life to dig deeper into myself and heal.  

Thanks to all this work, I am also going through my room and finally getting rid of items that no longer mean anything to me. I will be donating my books to the goodwill in hopes that someone can use them to get to a better place in life.  I will be donating clothing to a woman's shelter.  I will be throwing away things that are just garbage.  It feels so good to be releasing this energy.

Taking the Power Back

Life is revolving around taking my power back and seriously enjoying my life.   I am swimming in My Sea of Passions and loving every moment of it.

Yesterday my swimming adventures includes my nephew admitting he did not recognize me after not seeing me for a month because of my body changing.  I look different.  I am different.
I also have been swimming in my sea of passions by taking care of myself and my health.  I am moving around more.  I am seeing the people I need to see to help me recover from my car accident and just get back into my body.  I am also shopping for the first time in years.  I am buying small summer dresses that are making me feel and look sexy.  I am being a girly girl and I am loving it.  And I am swimming in my sea of passions by eating wonderfully healthy foods and drinking summer drinks.  I am still working out daily and losing weight but food is suddenly not the enemy.  Food is this wonderful thing that makes me alive and passionate. I am really enjoying the summer bounty and eating less while I am doing it!

I really feel like I am taking my power back.  I am happy.  I am stable.  I am healthy!
There is nothing that can't be done when you feel like this.  I have been telling all my friends about my "Swimming in my Sea of Passions" project.  I am loving this daily exercise that I have started doing.  It feels just right.

Swimming in My Sea of Passion

Swimming In My Sea of Passion is how I am living my life right now.

This morning I found this quote - "One of the secrets is to believe that a good fate is on our side, that the deepest longings of the heart have a special meaning or they would not have arisen within us in the first place" - Marcus Bach, The Wonderful Magic of Living.

Everyday I have started to ask myself "How I am swimming in my sea of passion?". What am I doing that day to make myself happy?  This morning my list includes watching Julia and Julie while writing in my journal.  I am thinking about how wonderful the party I went to last night was.  And I am feeling confident because for the first time in my life, I had a dream last night that one of my Ex's asked me to out for dinner and I turned him down.  I turned him down because I no longer wanted to be caught up in his life or drama.

Yesterday Swimming in My Sea of Passion included brunch on the porch of my new favorite restaurant  Joule.  I was in heaven!  Also included yesterday in my swimming adventures was quality time with my girlfriends that have been coming to my rescue to help me over this painful period.  I have to say that being back in Seattle, being with my friends, seeing my personal trainer and just getting my life back in order has pushed me from being in pain to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!  I am truly getting over my painful period.  In fact I don't even want to speak of it anymore.  I want to speak of "Swimming in my Sea of Passion".  I want to focus on myself and becoming the kind of woman that I truly admire.  Smart, beautiful, passionate, fearless and someone that truly treats herself like she is the her own hero. 

One item that I am truly in love with right now is a wish necklace I was given by the owner of this store Local.  It is an elegant yet simple necklace of red thread with a tiny silver wishbone on it.  You make a wish while you put it own and just leave it on.  At some point the necklace will fall off and your wish will come true.   All day long I am touching my wishbone and reminding me of my wish.  I want to buy one of these for all my friends to share how beautiful this simple idea is but how it has started to guide me all day long.  I am reminded to believe in myself and my dreams.

I think I will order a package of these necklaces for my friends and watch how all of our lives change in a beautiful way.  If you are ever in the Berkshires you should check this store out.  It might possibly change your life!

Returning home

I have been away from my home for almost a month now.  My great uncle died in June and since I already had a vacation planned, I came out early and just stayed.  This has been one of the most challenging decisions I have made lately.
There is no comfort in the loss of my routine.  I feel stuck out here because I am not moving forward back in Seattle.  I watch people that I loved moving forward in their lives and I feel helpless.  I am a mixed bag today because part of me wants to return home and move forward, but a larger part of me wants to stay on the East Coast and just ignore my life.

I am fighting very hard not to sabotage my life because I am emotionally out of balance right now.   It's an old habit that is not going away.  I am working hard to fight it but some days I am weak.   Hopefully the comfort of my routine will save me before I mess up too much.  

Summer of writing

It's with a heavy heart that I return to an old passion of mine.   I have been spending a lot of time these last few weeks writing, reading, dreaming and going inward to reveal the pain of my soul and clean it out. 
I am reminded of periods of my life where with journal in hand, I would write for hours.  I would sit quiet and just pour my soul out on paper.  I had visions for my life that needed to be put down on paper.  I had dreams that swayed my emotions one way or another.  I had broken hearts that consumed my every thought and I had lovers that caused my mind to wander to area's of my soul that they could not touch.  I would write for days trying to calm my mind and my soul. I would put together the pieces of my life so that I could simply wake up again the next morning and do it all again.

Why I walked away from this practice I am not sure.  Life got complicated.  I lost my confidence to push myself beyond the mundane of my daily life.  I learned that I was unlovable and thus my words must be insignificant.  And I shut down to any of my dreams coming true.  I simply had to survive.  But my latest heart ache has ripped my soul apart.  I am consumed between longing for someone and trying to find myself again.  This person has no idea the effect they have had on me. They simply moved on and yet here I am lost at sea and being swept along by the creativity gods.  All because I allowed myself to love someone.

It's been a rough time for me but I feel like I am starting to see the light of day again.  There is an end to this pain.  I can not keep shinning a light in the darkest areas of my soul without clearing out the pain in the process.  I can not shut my heart down again simply because I made a wrong decision. And I can not walk away from my voice again because it deserves to be heard.  My life is so full of pleasure, of moments of happiness and of discovery that I must put them down on paper.    

Four months into my total body change

Four months ago I made the decision to start lifting weights.  In high school and college I lifted weights and loved how I felt about myself but then life happen.  I stopped lifting weights and gained a lot of weight.   The past two years I have been working changing my life and my body is something that I needed to work on but never had the energy to change.

Until now.

I am now down 2 clothing sizes.  I am in the normal section instead of the Women's section for the first time in years.  I am finally fitting into clothing I bought years ago but could never put on due to being the wrong size. I am feeling great!  I am about to get a pixie cut which is a hair cut I loved from my skinny days and I am just happier all around.

I know it's odd to think of weight lifting as a desirable thing for a woman to be doing but the results are beautiful.  My body is really starting to feel like a work of art.   I am more confident than I ever have been and this is translating into how I related with the world.   I am at a place of peace with myself that I have never felt before.

In other news, work has settled for a bit. School is over!!!! 
And I have been talking to a couple of new men.   Overall, I am just relaxing and allowing myself to really take care of myself  in a way I never have.  And I am having fun doing it!

Putting the focus where I need it

Life lessons lately have revolved around Boundaries and letting go.   School, work and my love life are so out of balance.  It's amazing how life can be calm one year and so stormy the next year.

After an exhausting month of trying to juggle everything I realized I could no longer do it.  I broke it off with my partner.  I turned in what was due for school and set clear boundaries that I would not be able to give an extra energy no matter how much my group wanted to over achieve and I decided to just focus on work.

It has been a very tough time for me emotionally.  None of these solutions have been easy for me.  I miss my ex all the time.  I am so torn between really caring for that person and truly seeing the fact that they could not be there for me like I needed them.  It does not help that my ex is super cute and I am sure has no issues moving on.  Which of course triggers my issues from my past relationships and causes me to tail spin into the endless question of ... why am I never the one to get picked.  But this is not healthy for me.  I can't just sit around feeling bad for myself.  I have to move forward.

But there is a small part of me that is fighting the tail spin.  Everyday I am becoming stronger in knowing that there is a reason or this happening.  My Ex could not be there for me or did not want to be there for me.  I could not heal their wounds from their past relationships and thus suffered from the bad behavior.  I don't really need this person in my life to be happy, successful and feel good.  I really liked having them in my life but not at the cost of the damage they were starting to do to me.

So I am healing and focusing on my health. I am still losing weight and getting smaller.  I still have a great job.  I still have a great community of friends.  There is so much to be grateful for.  I don't need to focus on the pain.  Life is too good for me to focus on the bad. 

This lady needs new clothes

I finally hit the moment where I am swimming in my clothing.  There is more fabric than my body frame can handle anymore. 
I have to say that really changing my body shape and size has been a very strange adventure.  In some ways it has made me feel weak and small.  I know this is not true since I am changing my body by lifting weights 6 days a week and I am actually incredibly strong.  But I am smaller and more toned and it's been a long time since I was this size.  It's just weird to feel like the shrinking lady.

I also hired a personal trainer.  It's a large investment and not one I am taking lightly.  I am investing in my health and spending hard earned money on changing my life.   I don't normally spend money on things like a trainer but I realized that I wanted the extra help to really change my lifestyle and to help me train on how to properly lift weights.   Having a trainer has been amazing!  She is tough and yet super fun.  She has helped me to work on some of my problem areas and keeps me moving forward.   At this point I am working out 6 days a week.  2 days a week I meet with  my trainer but the rest of the week it's up to me to not be lazy and do at least 45 mins of work a day.  

Focusing on my health has also allowed me to slow down the stress about work situation.  I am more focused on my life outside the office which allows me to come into the office, perform miracles for the marketing department and then go sweat my tush off.   It's helping me to be balanced and grateful for my wonderful job and company. And to prepare for the right thing to happen next.... Which I know will happen!

Going Strong

I am 5 visits away from Mayorship at my gym on Foursquare! 

That's how often I have been going.  I have not felt this good about myself since high school when I was also weight lifting.  I know it sounds strange to love weight lifting but I truly do.  When I leave work I head straight for the gym.  I know I will be there a minimum of 30 minutes of workout time so it's an easy amount of time to plan for everyday.  Usually I end up there for at least 1.5 hours but I also have my minimum level I require of myself each day. 
When I am not at the gym, I have filled my phone up with tumblr sites for lady weight lifters and healthy positive sites to keep me motivated during the day.  I know I may never look like most of the women posting images of themselves online nor do I want to look like a lot of the women weight lifters but it inspires me that there are other women out there like me that really enjoy lifting weights and seeing how the body responds.

So far I have gone down a dress size and my body looks different.  I am not losing so much weight but gaining muscle and sculpting the body. 

Besides that, not much else is going on.  I am interviewing for other jobs at my company.  I am trying to get out more and meet new people. And I am still in school.  I really look forward to this summer when I will have my life back.

Calming Down

Things have calmed down a bit since I last updated.   Work is settled for at least another year.  While I ended up deciding not to take the new job, I did negotiate a new job title, a new job scope and a raise.  This was a huge moment for me because I have never felt empowered enough in the office to stand up for myself and state that my work level had increased in terms of amount and quality and that I deserved to make more money.  So my manager and I are in a great place right now and I am happy that I was able to find a solution to my flux that leaves me energized and happy.

In terms of my health I am still working out 5 to 6 days a week.  I have not been this focused about health in a long time and it feels great to be back into a routine.  I am still focused on weight lifting and sculpting my body.  I am starting to see real progress as I move into month 2 of this new love in my life.  The first month my scale did not budge.  I could feel my body changing a bit but just in the last week - wham!  I've dropped 10 pounds, 1 skirt size and my body is changing shape all over.   I am really getting inspired by women weight lifting Blogs and Tumblr photo's.  These images provide me enough motivation to get my tush to the gym.  I will never look perfect but the more I can sculpt my body via weight lifting the better I will look.

School is almost over which is good.  I have not been having a very good time with it this quarter.  I am simply too busy with work.  But it has been very interesting and I have met some great people.  I am looking forward to getting my life back once I am done.  

Checking in

Whoa.... It's been a long time.
Life has gotten busy.  What more can I say?  Well, actually a lot.

1.  I am pushing for a new job.  I am ready to take my career to the next level and I am ready to move on from my current job.  I never thought I would want to leave my current job but alas, I do.   It's not that I don't like my job.  It's just that I am ready for more ownership, more opportunity and a new manager.  So I have been talking to other departments and even looking outside of my current company.  I don't want to leave the company I currently work at but for the right job I might be tempted to leave.   This change feels right.  My favorite coworker has moved onto another team and my manager is just not interested in being a manager.   I am starting to feel exhausted from the short deadlines and dealing with my outside creative agency.  I am just ready for a change.
I will say that it looks like I might have a change coming in 1 month.  If i can pull this change off, it would be a very exciting change for me.  Fingers crossed!

2. Because of the change in my work situation, I am in flux.  What this flux has meant for me is a combo of eating poorly and getting depressed with the realization that I need to do the exact opposite of this.  I need to take better care of myself.   So I made the decision last week to detox and take a hard look at out of hand I was.   And then I realized I wanted to start lifting weights again.

3.  I have started to lift weights everyday and I feel amazing!  I realized that the only times I have successfully had the body I wanted were times when I was lifting weights everyday. I am also the body type that makes and sculpts muscles like a pro.  So with the realization that it was time to get my body under control I have started to making working out my priority.  But I don't love cardio.  I love doing things like snowshoeing or paddle boarding but I hate working out on a machine in a room.  However, I love weight lifting.  My body is responding instantly.  I feel strong.  I am able to support my back and I am toning up very quickly.   Plus, lifting weights is so good for me as a female.  Building muscles will improve my metabolism way more than cardio.  

4.  I am still going to school at night.  It has been a handful and I am not able to be as present as I wish I could be.  But I am still doing it.

5.  I am ready for changing my life.  I am ready to get settle down into a relationship and to make my career a priority.  I am ready for stability and for a family.

So much going on!  
And there is more happening that I can't share yet.  But you get the general drift.  It's all about change for me right now.  As exhausting as it has been, this will be a life changing year!

Yet another month

From September to the end of November is the busiest time of year for me.  We are launching new video game titles  while also trying to encourage people to buy...buy... BUY!
So for the last month, I have been heads down working and completing my first quarter of school.

It has been exhausting and almost pushed me over the edge a couple of times.  My work/life/school has been severely off kilter and then come Thanksgiving, I got sick again!  It was just like when I was in college and any holiday that came around gave my body a chance to just shut down.

So I took a couple of extra days off from work.  I completed my marketing plan and presented my product to my class.  And now I have the whole month of December to just to relax and get back on track.  I have been juicing a lot lately and moving back to raw foods.  I will be going to the ladies spa a couple of times in the next month to just detox the last few months of stress and sickness out of me. 

It's time for me to prepare for the New Year.  I love this time of year, not because of Christmas but because I always get very reflective on life and my place in it.  I like to spend the extra hours of darkness to think about what my goals are for the next year and to think about where I have been.  It's my favorite ritual in life and this year is no different.

One last thing, over Thanksgiving I let my family know what I was most Thankful and grateful for.  This was the first time I have ever expressed to my family my feelings about stuff like this.  I have decided for the next month to let people know how grateful I am that they are in my life.  I show how my gratitude and go out of my way to help others.  But for the first time in life I am going to really open my heart and tell them my feelings.  This should be an interesting month!

Guilty!

It's almost been a month!  Where have I been?

I wish I had a better answer for you then work, school and trying to get healthy.  School started last month and I was so excited to be at the Business Grad school.  Life was looking good at work with a possible new position coming into my future and I was back in school!!!!

But then I was hit with Shingles and I had to take a week off of work.  I have never missed more than 1 day of work so this was a bit of a shock.  I then missed one of my classes which bummed me out.  And to top it all off, the new position just disappeared.  It's been interesting around these parts.

I am fine with getting sick.  I was able to bounce back after 1 week for the most part.  My professor has been really understanding about being sick.  My co-workers have been amazing about me being sick and needing help.  And then I came to realize last week that I am not ready to leave my current job.  So I let the new position go and I settled into what I am good at.  My current position.

So now almost a month later I am finally starting to heal from Shingles.  My Marketing class has been amazing and I am so happy I am in the course.  I love my job still and I am happy I don't have to worry about learning a new position while I am still in school. 

So I am relaxing and returning back to my routine.  Work, School, Health, Family and FUN!

I know I have some changes ahead and I am working to stay positive and focused on better things in life.  There is a chance for fear and negative energy to come into my life but I am working hard to keep these things at bay.

Feeling Stronger

I am feeling stronger this week.  I have had a lot of closer about my relationship that just ended and I know I am making the right decision.  I have healed and am ready to move forward.  My feelings of loneliness have decreased and now I am just left with a peaceful and grateful feeling about my life.  I am also left with happiness!
I am now coming into the office smiling and leaving feeling really good.  I am no longer cranky or irritated.  I am happy to see my coworkers, I am rolling with the changes at work and I am getting a lot of work done.  It's a beautiful place to be.

I am also feeling more confident in life and secure in myself.  So many wonderful changes have happen over the last year or two.  I know I keep saying this but it's true!
I am one of those people that decided they wanted to change everything about their lives and then worked very hard to make these changes happen.  Everyday I am closer to my dreams with the knowledge I will one day be living that life I have always dreamed about.  And while I am working towards that day I am going to enjoy every moment of the process.

Tonight I am off to cocktails with my best lady friends.  Then I am relaxing all weekend since I have had insomnia this week and have not had more than 3 hours of sleep each night.  Which has done wonders for me at work.   I am on top of everything.  It's so weird.  But I know I will crash soon and I need that day to be this weekend.

Having a feeling

One of my older lady friends made me laugh really hard this weekend when she described how every time she starts to get upset she thinks "I am having a feeling".  She has to state it to describe where she is at.

I have to state this because I get so cranky and annoyed when I have a feeling other than just Joy.  But I have to say.... This weekend I spent the whole weekend in the depths of  "I am having a feeling".   It was a tough weekend for me. 

The feeling I am dealing with right now is loneliness.  Most of my friends were out of town this weekend and I am still dealing with my break up.  I was able to see some friends this weekend and had a lovely date with my nephew but I had a lot of loneliness to deal with.  I thought the break up would be easier than it has been.  Which is hard for me to deal with. 

I knew from the start there were issues around my relationship.  But I was hoping that maybe I was just being afraid to start something new.  But now I realize that these issues had more to do with my own fear of uncovering what I am currently dealing with.  Which is the fact that in some ways I am lonely in my life.

This is not to say I am unhappy.  No way!  The opposite is in fact how I feel about my life.  I am very happy.  I just realized that I long for someone to share my joy with.  I am up for an amazing dream promotion in the new year.  I am starting on the path towards grad school.  I LOVE my job!!!! (that's right.. I actually truly love my job).  I have this amazing family I am part of.  And I am one of the few people in this world that has fun in life and is fun to be around.

But I have to face the fact that part of me is lonely.  I have been very afraid to admit this for a long time because to me it was like admitting I was weak or something.  But now I realize that I can be happy and lonely at the same time.  That this feeling is not a sign of weakness but a sign that I am human and have a preference of being part of a couple. I never realized that I could be as happy as I am yet also have to deal with uncomfortable emotions.

So I am sitting with the admittance that I am lonely and I am working on ways to soothe this feeling.  I am gently reminding myself that this feeling will not last.  And that I have a part in working to fix this feeling.  I can do things that will open doors to situations which will help me to feel less lonely and closer to my goal of being in a partnership.  And I also have been giving myself props for becoming that person that I have always wanted to be.  I know that when I do meet someone, I am that attractive, interesting, and loving professional lady I always longed to be.  I have a lot of amazing things to bring to my next relationship and I am looking forward to meeting that person that will see how all my hard work has paid off.

Back To My Regular Life

After a lovely summer romance, I have made the decision to end it. 
This decision was not made easily as we were friends before dating.  But in the last month or so I became very aware that this relationship was not in alignment with what I want in life.

It's not his fault nor is it my fault.  It just is. 
I am trying to be as level headed as I can be about the situation.  I am lucky that for the first time in my life I have the confidence and strength to walk away before the situation could do any damage to me.  This is something I have been working on for years.  To put my desires and needs before other people. 

I am now adjusting to being single again.  It helps that I was offered a huge promotion starting next year on a new team but under my same director.  This dream job would involve traveling to major entertainment events all over the country and being part of a marketing group that is doing amazing things.  So I have been turning my focus back to my career.  I also applied for and was admitted to an evening program at the largest University in Seattle.  I will be studying Marketing Management with an eye towards continuing my current career.
There are so many positive things happening in my life that I am able to look at this summer relationship as being a huge growth opportunity for me.  I learned a lot about myself, I learned to love myself more than I ever thought I could.  And I learned that I truly desire a real partnership with someone that is an equal.  I want to be with someone that wants to create a life with me and cherishes our time together. 

So I look to the future, to positive changes and towards a wonderful Fall full of cashmere sweaters, hot tea, warm hats and thick tights under my skirts :)

I have been away

I don't know if you have noticed but it's been a while since I was last on my blog!  Sorry!!!!

It has been a whirlwind of a month.  I spent a week visiting Family on the East Coast.  I was there before the giant heat storm which makes me very happy.  I do not handle heat very well and pretty much just lose my cool.  So I would not have survived that heat and the lack of electricity.  So scary!

But what also happened in the last month is I have started a  relationship.  It's something very new but with someone I have know for a while.  We are keeping it very quite right now as we need to cross over from being friends to being something more.  It has been a lovely month.  He is the sweetest and most lovely person I have ever been with.  He courted me for months before I would attempt a change of our friendship.  Since I decided I was ready to change our relationship, it has been amazing.
We have so much in common and work in the a very similar industry. We are very similar in personality and have a whole lot of fun together and he likes me! Wow does he like me!  It has been a long time for me since I have been with someone that truly likes me, good and bad.  It's so different from my last relationship. And it's about the best change I have ever experienced.  There is so much healing and happiness happening with my new guy and this situation.  I don't know about our future but I am living in the present and just enjoying our relationship for what it is right now.   

All I can say is I am swooning right now and very, very happy.